• Member Since 1st Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen March 27th

IronPiedmont1996


Brony since 4th of April, 2016

Sequels1

T

Twilight has been only a Princess for a short time and still hasn't gotten used to it. When she and her friends take a trip to the Crystal Empire for a visit, Twilight faces a new challenge, her crown getting stolen. The Culprit: Sunset Shimmer, former student of Princess Celestia, who takes the crown through a strange mirror. Upon that mirror is a strange world where she meets alternate versions of her friends. Their names are Florence "Flutters" Shepperd, Alison "AJ" Jackson, Rachel "Dash" Danshov, Rarity Hotchkiss, Pinkie Peirce, and a familiar looking boy named Bradley "Flash" Shields. With their help, will Twilight get her crown back from Sunset Shimmer, or will she be trapped in this world for thirty moons?

(Note: This is pretty much my version of Equestria Girls. I'll try hard as possible not to completely copy the movie. Stealing is wrong people, don't do it)

Update: I had made several changes to this story. If you have any question, please comment below and I will address them.

(Second note: I rated this as teen because there will be some cussing in this)

Click here for the cover art:
http://fav.me/dc4osp7

Chapters (17)
Comments ( 52 )

Three chapters, and one substantial change, with Spike (Sunset bullying Fluttershy had no effect in the plot). I'd put the major changes you've planned in the summary, to demonstrate that this isn't a rehash of the movie. And there need to be major changes from the movie, or we'd do better to simply watch the movie, not read the fic.

7634844 I was going to put the major changes in the description, but I wanted them to be a surprise.But I can tell you two of them: right now:

1. The characters are going to have normal human skin and hair colors, and have actual first and last names. If you want to find out what the names are, go and check out my DeviantArt.

2. Giving Flash Sentry more character. This may sound surprising, but I actually like Flash Sentry. My biggest and only problem is how little character he was given and how underutilized he was. The most character we did see of him was in the First Movie and in Legend of Everfree (BTW Great Movie). but even then it wasn't enough. So this is pretty much one of my goals for this fic: For Flash to be more involved, instead of being a side character at one point and a background character the next. Why do you think I had Sunset blast him in Chapter II?

And in regards to Sunset and Fluttershy's encounter, yeeeaaah, I admit that was pretty pointless. That was essentially the result of my trying to differentiate it from the Movie.

If you have any more suggestions, concerns, or observations about the fic. Please feel free to voice them. I'll take all the criticism I can get. :twilightsmile:

(Also, sweet avatar bro)

You can surprise people once you've given them a reason to read your story; I'd put the changes in the description, the bigger the better. Human!Spike is quite significant because the talking dog was the only sensible reason Twilight's friends had to believe that she might be a pony princess. Maybe she doesn't tell them, they clean up the dance hall just to get back at Sunset for having it wrecked, and they don't find out until the demon business?

The real substantial change seems to be Flash Sentry. Maybe write a story focused on him?

7637137 That sounds like an interesting idea, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

A story about Flash? Now that sounds like a challenge.

Not bad. Sorry to point out flaws but it's "self conscious" not "subconscious"

Awesome having Spike stand up to Sunset.

Comment posted by IronPiedmont1996 deleted Oct 29th, 2016

I read through this story and it has quite a number of spelling mistakes. They aren't dishearteningly bad, but it does annoy slightly. You should try to get an editor or work on your editing skills. Anyways, other than that the story is good and it does have certain features I liked (namely Spike the Human and human names). It's worth a thumbs up and I really want to see how it will continue to differentiate itself from Equestria Girls (because I didn't like the first one's plot, the songs were good though).

7758365 Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Despite how much I loved the first movie (of which had got me into the fandom in the first place), their were some flaws.

“Um, pardon me, I’m really sorry to interrupt…” Rarity said as she entered the living room. “…but, Twilight is your book supposed to do this?”
Twilight looked over at what Rarity was holding.
If her heart could drop any further than it already had, it did as she saw that her book was glowing and vibrating in Rarity’s hands.

Wow, and I thought my sister had bad timing when she wants to call me.

your plot is broken first you state shimmer was an old student way before twilights time but then celestia says she left 30 moons ago when the portal last opened if thats the case it was only a little over 2 years earlier it opened last time and twi was celestias student long before that

7837510 Fixed, I changed it to Celestia saying:

...Until one day she disappeared into the mirror. And that was so many moons ago.”

I just realized, Shining Armor wasn't in the movie. Nice touch.

I see you're trying to avoid copying the movie, but that moment with Sunset and Fluttershy was a tad forced. I'm still interested though.

The purple girl also, to Spike's surprise, seemed to be missing part of her leg, as from the knee down on her left leg looked to be a metal rod with a shoe at the end.

Don't you mean "purpled haired girl"? Also, Scootaloo with a metal leg? That's new.

That was a decent question. What was Spike going to do?

“Keep messing with her and you will find out you mean bitch.”

I got to say, I thought the addition of that message book thing was pretty cool.

Comment posted by Napoleon1800 deleted Feb 19th, 2017

Twilight staying with Flash? Derpy as Flash's sister (or half sister)? Celestia replying to Twilight's message only for Rarity to find it? Niiice...

“Well ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?” She responded with vinegar. “And I must say that Hell must’ve frozen over that you actually came when you said.”

“As if AJ really needs your help.” Flutters butted in. “I think she can be dishonest on her own.”

Daaayuuum!

7870938 Yeah I know, even after the end of Season Three.

Hurry up with the next chapter! :pinkiehappy:

“Sure I might be a retard, but thank God I’m not you.”

That ending was the greatest fucking thing ever typed out. Ever. Of all time.

7970782 I'm glad you like it. I'm pretty proud of it myself.

Funny enough, when I finished typing what Derpy said to Sunset I had THIS playing in my head.

Step mom he had..... I'm guess hsi father learned how bad she was to his kids and kicked her out of his house, but not before calling the cops to catch her and drag her off to jail?

Wonder in this story, Susnet be running off as fast as she can, to get away running in terror and fear and shame.

But first thing is first...i'm sorry to say it feels rushed still, not sure like how Sunset transformed, did make her look worst then ever then inthe orginal.
Struting off after draining life force energy from Lun and Celestia and then Spike.

8125902 Well Sunset doesn't look like the demon she was in the original movie (seriously, how did that design get passed?). Essentially, Sunset at that point was trying to trap them so she can drain them of their energy. And also, the transformation will be explained in a later chapter.

8125902 If you have any ideas or suggestions of how to make this chapter better, feel free to express them.

8127953
Well the transformation was different but can respect that. My only complaint was it feels rushed.
Like it should built up more or so.

I feel like things were solved so easily glad Derpy got her licks in, and all, but feels everything got over with so fast.

I'm hoping the next chapter deals with the aftermath in more detail and do want to hear the story about Flash's step mom and what happened.
Also if Sunset will be made to stay there or taken away to redeem herself...because while Sunset could done worst she done plenty of damage still, and feel if she winds up staying, she in for a Bad Time soon as Twilight leaves.

8127965 The aftermath will be dealt with. And I actually plan on making a whole story about Flash and Derpy's upbringing and what went on with the Step Mom.

Twilight’s skin and hair turned into the colors of her true self and grew he own pair of wings

when did twilight turn into a guy?

Think Celestia is also to blame, wodner if she put everything on Sunset thinking she be the oen to repesent Magic....

8344356
It's true, in canon how many students did Celestia ever take................two and only two Sunset then Twilight Sparkle, both had huge magic surges as fillie, both were being groomed for some destiny or to ascend, but was it for the same reason?

I bet Celestia thought Sunset would eb the element of magic, she built her with all that hope and ambition, and set her on a path to power, only to change it when she screwed up.
Worst yet she fail to notice Sunset plight the same way she failed her sister, what she do she banished her from the castle her only home she truly known.


Did she do this with Twilight nope, she taught her like a real teacher suppose to do, guide her not control her like she did with Sunset, and she didn't misgude her ethier.

I hate to say it but that letter Celestia wrote is utter Grabage, because the way it written it Celestia saying the reason Sunset went down a dark path is because

IT ALL SUNSET FAULT FAULT FAULT FAULT fault fault fault echo echo echo.

That how it feels, and reads, While part of it is Sunset fault Celestia shares the blame as well!

Comment posted by IronPiedmont1996 deleted Aug 5th, 2017

8345999
Thank you for the input. Expect a change in this chapter. :raritywink:

8346035
That was really good. Like to read Celestia realized her mistakes immortal or not every being makes mistakes.
I can see her falling out with Sunset made her realize she can' treat her students like she would with the scheming nobles.
Unlike them they do trust and love her not because she a Princess but because she was like a second mother figure to them and someone they really trust.

Great change inthe chapter, the elements showed what Sunset path would lead to but in the end left the choice to her, ad she choose the right path.
An Celestia admited her wrongs and help to make peace for Sunset.

8346789
I'm glad you like it. I also gave you a shout out in the author's note as well.

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