• Member Since 24th Sep, 2016
  • offline last seen Oct 2nd, 2017

Red The Mel

And now I feel overwhelmed, in a home made for someone else... now I feel overwhelmed come with fear, for someone else's tears.


RedVelvet Melody and a bunch of her friends, including well known Bronies/Pegasisters Vanilla Mocha, Galaxy Nebula, and Fallout, go through the memories of the old times to figure out where everything went wrong and right, but as they do this, old scars are opened and secrets are revealed. But under all of this, something is quietly ending their lives...
So does their time truly leave them? Or was the time never there's?

This is an OC story, so healthy criticism about anything is something I'd very much appreciate.. There will also be a lot of references you may not get, so like the great Doctor said....Google it!

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 27 )

I mean, it's okay, but I'd like to point some things out. Present tense atories are always tricky to perform, and as of right now, blending the first chapter with present tense that looks like past tnse makes it harder for the reader to get his attention. All of the speeches should be in separate paragraphs except if only one person is continuing to talk.

A couple of typos here and there, and some pronouns need to be capitalized.

7636818 you're one of those people, but I did as healthy criticism so I'll try to fix those mistakes, I mean I'm nothing like Edgar Poe or JK Rowling

I want to be in here too. But I know I can't:fluttershysad:
Good story either way:twilightsmile:

I would like to be in the story. My Changeling OC bio is on my user page. I hope I won't get in the way of the story-line though. Also:

you're one of those people

What did you mean by that? To me, he was just trying to help.

Are you gonna continue this story? Its not bad to read.

Aww!~ I look forward to the next chapter :yay:

When is my OC going to be added? (Just asking)

A mistake I noticed: How old are Scythea, Galaxy, Crystal, and Vanilla? When does this takes place?

This is confusing. With the first chapter being that their in School, and now their married and such, the readers would think like "Wait, Galaxy Nebula and Crystal Harmony, are married? While their at School?" If you want the readers not to be confused about the timeline, I recommend you do something like this for example:


That way, the readers don't get confused and... ask the Author when the story takes place.

7675106 it's called infrencing that it takes place at a later time after the school days from how the second chapter starts.

7675113 Still, I recommend it, because the story doesn't say when they grown up, and timelines are important to a story. Besides, its just a few letters, it wouldn't hurt to edit for around 2 seconds.

I know it wouldn't take long but I like to make my readers brains work. It's fun

7675128 ... Of course you would. Its up to you weather or not you would take my suggestion.

Comment posted by Rose the Changeling deleted Nov 21st, 2016

7730882 I'm gonna....I've just been planning my OCs backstory and all the characters all at the same time

Comment posted by Rose the Changeling deleted Nov 18th, 2016

7731133 actually, I think I'm doing pretty good speaking how many fucking people think this story has already flopped. Plus this is the first story I'm fully committed to, so I'm sorry you think it's horrible and that I rushed it and everything has gone wrong with it. But the last time I checked, I'm one of the best writers in my grade, and I think the only one has a book in the works of being published.

So thanks for the telling me things I already know.

Comment posted by Rose the Changeling deleted Nov 21st, 2016

Should the v in RedVelvet Melody be lowercase? I mean, unless that was intentional...

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