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When Spike runs away from home, he wanted to leave alone and have nothing to do again with Twilight Sparkle. When he came into the Everfree Forest and met Mesme Rize, the Lamiapony shows him that not everything is always bad.
Thank you to my friend Lunahazaookie from Deviantart, for that great pic: http://lunahazacookie.deviantart.com/
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Wrong form of the root word. Awkward phrasing. Improper tense.
...I don't know if it was the intention, but I liked how the somewhat creepy tone at the beginning hid the nicer (if still somewhat creepy tone) at the end. There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but I rather liked it.
How did you get into contact with Lunahazaookie?
7612876
Like, creepy in the sense that Mesme was a bit spying on Spike? Or do you talk about like the twig breaking and Spike thinking a Monster would attack?
7612930
Me and him go a bit back. We broke up contact for a bit, but now we see again from time to time. :)
7612937
Creepy in the sense of, viewing it either from Spike's perspective or someone who may not be familiar with Mesme Rize's character, it's unknown what Mesme's intentions are which makes it hard to predict what he'll do. The "nice" part comes in when, instead of acting like a predator like most do, he helps Spike out even though the methods may be considered unorthodox.
EDIT: This includes the fact that, if someone read a fiction I saw over on deviantart that contained Mesme Rize in a more villainous context before this one, they could interpret his intentions wrongly. The only way I figured his true character out before this fic was looking at the in-character "ask me anything" forums over on that one MLP forum site.
7612974
Okay, i gotta admit it. For a guy, that dosen't know the intentions of Mesme Rize, it could be considered kinda creepy. But at the same time, for the people who don't know him, i accidentally builded a bit of suspense.
I made this Fic with the fact in mind, that Mesme is a well known figure, over on the MLP Forums, since i am staff there. So no, it was never my intention to be honest.
7613024
Well, it worked out for you in the end. I liked it a lot.
Oh, Hypno, what hast thou wrought?
I'm sure Dr. Wolf wouldn't mind the help in his office from Mesme Rize
7613668
Vintage Mesme, of course.
7613711
Hey, if DrWolf wants help from me, he can always give me a call.
Yeah. The cover art makes me think otherwise.
7613711 I agree. Last time I went to his office, he had fleas all over the place. Dog needs to bathe more often.
Prose needs to be integrated better with the feelings of the characters, as well as the description of the forest; keep everything smooth and consistent.
Kinda like the idea of a snake pony, as it's not an overdone character due to its weirdness, but the sssss during dioluge is tedious to read.
Overall, not bad, but forgettable story. I'd keep writing and reading if I were you, and questions myself two things:
1. Am I able to add more tension anyway possible?
2. Is what I have written believable?
May you keep flowing, my fellow writer.
tl,dr
seems cute though
When I read the first part, I envisioned a... less nice way of using hypnosis to make spike go back and serve Twilight ^.^ But, good story all the same!
I just want to make an official comment on your story:
It's refreshing to see a snake-like creature like you that most people would believe to be dangerous is actually a nice creature who wants to legitimately his "victims". So sweet of you to help remind Spike of his friendship with Twilight, Mesme.
See you around the MLP forums.
I thought it was very cute! My only complaints were the fast pace and a few grammar/spelling errors. I will outline the errors in the spoiler here, but great job writing! Don't be discouraged by the errors, it happens a lot to everyone! :)
He was atleast 30 feet long, had scales and coils that reminded of a Snake, which where brown and had black spots all over it. (atleast should be at least)
His upperbody looked like that of a Pony though, with brown Fur, hoofs, a yellow mane and Green eyes. (upperbody should be upper body, hoofs should be hooves, and pony, fur, and green should not be capitalized)
Mesme Rize usually liked to stay up most of the night, because he was a sleeper for most of the day, where he could enjoy the warmness of the sun. (warmth instead of warmness sounds better)
He saw all sort of things in the forest, Manticore, Hydras, timberwolves, but not Dragons. (inconsistent capitalization)
A Timberwolve? (should be timberwolf/timber wolf)
Spikes Dragonheart was pounding hard and he sat down. (Dragonheart should be dragon heart)
He didn't realize though, that from out of the leaves, a long brown and black spotted snaketail was coming carefully down. (snake tail is two words)
While Spike calmed down little by little, he didn't notice that the Snaketail, was coiling around his little waist. (snake tail is two words and shouldn't be capitalized)
Spike Panicked. (panicked doesn't need to be capitalized)
Spike saw how the Snakepony was shifting his elastic coils around and pointed his snaketail at him. It was fascinating, but also scary at the same time. (snake tail is two words)
Well...i-i Just felt like doing a little...late Night walk." (the i's should be capitalized, while the words just and night don't need to be)
Mesme could see that he was lieing and he was lieing like a little colt that just ate all of the cookies in the cookie jar secretly. (lieing should be lying)
S-She raised me up and l-lives with me...b-but She just treats me like a S-Slave who wants to do her w-work...i-i am better without her." (she and slave don't need to be capitalized, but the i's in 'i-i am better off without her.' need to be)
He dosen't know why though, as he hated Twilight...did He? (He at the end of the line doesn't need to be capitalized)
His Coils also started to wrap around the helpless dragon. (Coils don't need to be capitalized)
"Yessssssss...good Little dragon...you're sssssssso ssssssssssleepy...your Little eyessssssss are ssssssssso heavy..." (Little doesn't need to be capitalized in either case)
"mmmmmmm..." His mouth was closed, turning into a cute smile. (Beginning of the sentence even if it is a sound should start with a capital [the m in mmmmmm...])
"That'ssssss good...clossssssse Your eyesssssssss now...time To sssssssssleep...you Can trusssssssst in me..." (Your, To, and Can don't need to be capitalized)
"SSSSSSpike...relax...dream Of your passssst...dream Of the good timessssss that you had with your caretaker...timessssssss You felt ssssssafe and comfortable...with No worriesssssss..."( Of and No don't need capitalization)
"Then I´ll huff and I´ll puff and I´ll blow your house in!." (typo with a period/full stop after the exclamation point)
"I-I am so so-sorry...i Didn't mean the-these things..." (i neds capitalization and Didn't doesn't need it)
Spike was bawling uncontrollably into Twilights Shoulder.(Twilights should be Twilight's and Shoulder shouldn't be capitalized)
"shhh, it's okay. I am also sorry." (shhh should be capitalized)
"But...what About Mesme?" (About doesn't need to be capitalized)
Spike was about to tell Twilight, when he suddenly saw high in the trees Mesmes face pop out of the leafs. (Mesmes should be Mesme's and leafs should be leaves)
"Well...just A silly dream I had about Snakepony." (A shouldn't be capitalized)
8358272
Thank you for your fair criticism and your help. I am glad that you where still able to enjoy it.
Not bad, not bad at all. Mesme is such a helpful little lamia, and the standout scene for me was when Spike had his memories of growing up with Twilight, that was very nicely done. Grammatically and as far as its spelling is concerned it's a bit rough around the edges, but I'm giving you a lot of a pass on that, buddy, since I know you're from Germany and English is not your first language. Overall a very nice fic indeed with some very cute moments, thank you so much for submitting it to our contest!
8368926
I am also thanking you for enjoying the story so much Bats.
8369740
Of course, and thank you again for submitting it (even though obviously it was written some time ago, not for the contest). Keep on writing my friend, you definitely have a solid idea of what makes for good storytelling.
There should be a sequel where Twilight figures out that Mesme's real.
Can I say something?
8503575
I was just thinking that