Flash Faceplants the Floor of Friendship
Twilight just stared at the sight before her. It was indeed Flash Sentry. She’d recognize that blue mane and orange coat anywhere. And since Cadence had decided tease her by sending her those pictures of Flash without his armor, Twilight recognized his cutie mark as well. Not to mention she was fairly certain that the muffled groan coming from the pony in front of her sounded a lot like him. Twilight had little to no doubt that this colt was who she thought he was. So, the question wasn’t “Who is he?” it was “Why is he here?”
She knew that her doors and windows were usually open when she was there. She knew that anypony would be able to enter and exit the castle at will while she was there. It was no secret that Twilight was happy to say hello and enter a conversation with anypony that caught her while she wasn't doing anything. Unfortunately, there were several reasons she believed that Flash wouldn't show up just for her. Firstly, Flash doesn't live in or anywhere near Ponyville. Secondly, she and him barely know each other, so he probably wouldn't show up to say hi. Lastly, If he was actually sent to deliver an urgent message from the Crystal Empire, then Cadence would have probably sent more than just him.
As Twilight approached Flash to help him up and get some answers, the pegasus pushed himself up. She watched as he shook his head, and begun looking around. He looked around with a bewildered and curious expression, which was strange, since Twilight thought he would have been used to seeing crystal walls by now. She attempted to step closer, trying to ask if he was okay, but for some reason her words were caught up in her throat, and her cheeks began heating up. The only thing she could awkwardly utter was,
“Uh…Hi, Flash.”
The pegasus turned his head toward twilight, and immediately upon seeing the alicorn Princess, his head flinched back, and an expression of surprise spread across his face. He took a moment to just stare at her, which made Twilight's cheeks heat up even more, and her thoughts were jumbled even more. She didn't know what it was about Flash this time around, but for some reason she just couldn't figure out what to say to him. For the life of her, Twilight just didn't know why she was feeling this way...until the next few moments played out in front of her.
Flash began laughing. A small, quiet chuckle at first, but it quickly grew into something more. It wasn't a crazy laugh, nor a light-hearted one, but rather a pitiful-sounding laugh. The type of laughter usually used by a self-pitying individual, after realizing that they had been the cause of their own misfortune. Rather than say anything in response, Twilight simply stood in place, observing.
When Flash finished his moment of laughter, he looked down at the ground, and spoke to himself.
"Great job getting over her, Flash. Even in your craziest dreams she still shows up."
Flash looked back up at Twilight.
"Still, I wonder if this is how she looks in her world?...Huh. She still looks cute."
Flash attempted to get up, but instead of simply standing on all fours, he tried to stand on his hind legs. Of course, he had some trouble, and ended up catching himself before his face hit the floor again.
Truth be told, Twilight figured it out the moment he talked about her being in a different world. The problem was that she was frozen in place at the thought of the human Flash Sentry going through the portal. Several thoughts were rushing through her mind. Thoughts such as "How did he get through the mirror? The book's not even powering it!" and "That explains why I'm blushing so much" for example.
Twilight could've taken a minute to sort through and organize all her thoughts, but at the moment, she mustered much of her willpower to focus on addressing and fixing the problem. First things first, she needed to talk to Flash and find out how and/or why he was in Equestria. So, she cleared her throat, and approached Flash, who was currently trying flap his wings in an attempt to fly, only to fail, land on his face, and get up to try again and again. He stopped when he noticed Twilight come closer.
"Alright. I'm going to need you to tell me what you can remember before you found yourself here."
It was difficult for the Princess to keep a steady voice, but this was important. She had to know as much as she could about the events that may have led him through the mirror. Flash, still thinking that he was still dreaming, had decided to roll with it, and responded to the best of his memory.
Apparently, he was walking around holding a picture of himself and Twilight at the Fall Formal, and that he was trying to get over her like Sunset advised. He stopped to talk with Applejack and Pinkie, when all of a sudden, AJ looked annoyed, and just picked him up with her super strength, and threw him. Next thing Flash knew, he's in the dream world.
Twilight was surprised that Applejack would take such an unnecessarily rough action for what seemed to be little to no reason, but at the moment, that didn't matter. What mattered was getting Flash back home, and he was less likely to go back through the portal if he kept thinking that he was in a dream. So she had to convince him that he was wide awake, and in other world (not entirely difficult, since her human self went crazy), or otherwise render him unconscious and ask Sunset to pick him up. She hoped things wouldn't come to that last part.
"Okay, Flash. I hate to disappoint you, but you're not dreaming."
Flash just laughed at that. He thought the dream was getting a bit too ridiculous for his taste, and attempted to wake himself up. The long moment of silence that followed this attempt ensured that he realized that Twilight's words were completely and utterly true. Flash stared at Twilight for a moment, and asked,
"This is all real?"
Twilight nodded in response. Flash took another moment to let it all sink in, then spoke again.
"...I just made myself look like an idiot, didn't I?"
Twilight giggled before nodding in response. Flash blushed when he realized he probably looked like a dork.
"So...You still have that picture, huh?"
Twilight honestly thought Flash didn't care much for her after the whole Siren incident happened. They never really got a chance to talk before she went back through the mirror portal, and Sunset never said anything about him asking about her...not to mention that she assumed her human counterpart would be into him just like she was. Some part of her was relieved that he still had feelings for her, and not the other Twilight. Another part of her felt as if she didn't have the time to actually address their current relationship. The latter was the more dominant of the two.
She walked up to the mirror portal, and put her hoof to its surface. What was supposed to be glass reacted to her touch as if it were still water. The portal was indeed open, but how and why? Twilight didn't know. She'd have to investigate it later, but for now, Flash needed to return. He walked up beside her, and had an uncertain look on his face.
"Don't worry, Flash. It's completely safe to go through."
Flash nodded in response, and prepared himself to go through. Before he did, though, there was just one thing that he needed to say.
"Hey, uh, Twilight? Do you think we could...you know...hang out sometime? You know, just to talk?"
Twilight was caught off-guard with that question. She had been doing an okay job keeping herself together thus far, but now that he was asking her to what seemed to be, in her mind, a date, she lost control of her words, and responded by saying,
"Y-Yes! Of course!"
"Uh, cool! Where should we-Woah!"
Now panicking that she had accepted his date request, Twilight picked him up with her magic, and threw him through the mirror portal, back into the Human world. A moment passed in silence. Then another. And another, until finally Twilight found a moment to calm herself down. She took some time to inspect the
Dear Sunset Shimmer,
I know I haven’t written in a while, but I’ve been busy! My duties as Princess of Friendship finally caught up with me, so I’ve been spending the last few months traveling beyond the borders of Equestria and teaching Starlight Glimmer about the magic of Friendship. I’d ask how things have been going in the human world since my last visit, but this is actually somewhat important, so I’ll just get to the point.
I think that there is something wrong with the mirror. Flash Sentry (the one from the human world) was apparently thrown through it, despite the fact that it was not powered on by my book when he went through. Unless thirty moons have passed by without my realizing it, this might be a problem. I already sent him back through, but I'm going to need your help for this.
Your Friend,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Can you apologize to Flash for me? I may have sent him flying through the portal.
Meanwhile, in the Human World
Sunset was busy trying to understand Applejack's side of the story. The farm girl was slightly embarrassed to say anything, but knew trying to make any other excuse would just delay the inevitable.
"I'm sorry, it's just that the portal was open, and he just looked so depressed, and...I dunno, it just bothered me that he didn't just go see her in person!"
"So you THREW him?"
"That wasn't me! I don't know how to control my magic! It just happened!"
Sunset just pinched her forehead. She was glad that her friends embraced the magic, but she really needed to start teaching them how to control it better. Maybe she'd even try to figure out if their magic was affecting their actions, as no one in their right mind would go and do what Applejack did.
After a moment, Sunset reached into her bag, and grabbed her magic book. She was about to start writing to Twilight, when suddenly the book started vibrating. Words started appearing on the blank spots of the page. After reading what Princess Twilight had to say, her attention immediately went to the portal, which began to quiver before launching Flash out of it.
The poor boy landed on his face.
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One issue already here. Twilight is not the source of power for the mirror. The mirror is its own power. She merely unlocks it with her device, using that book as the key. So, that alone in the description irked me just slightly, having a clear mistake in just the summary alone.
Concept isn't bad though by the summary overall. But that bit there I'd suggest rewording at least.
I think it's pretty solid- seemed a little meandering in the beginning and probably could've been a little longer (maybe more Flash still thinking it's a dream shenanigans?), but other than that very enjoyable
A thing of important note a reviewer pointed out? No one bothered to ask PRINCESS TWILIGHT what she thought of human Flash! (When it's clear she likes him!).
O_O'
Okay. I honestly did not expect people to comment on this yet...In fact, I wasn't expecting anyone to notice so soon.
7616300 You're right. I do have to blame it on my own mental shortcut, though (which would still mean that I'm blaming myself...Huh...Okay then). I always thought that the machine acted as a means to repurpose the power of the book in order to force a connection between worlds through an item with a similar ability, so I kinda just assumed that the book, when used to open the mirror, would technically be "powering" it.
7616305 There's only so much I can do with a guy who has absolutely no experience flying or walking on hooves without the assistance of harmony magic. Besides, I think if I made Twilight blush any more, her head would either explode or turn into the kind of tomato that grows around Discord's place.
7616342 Shippers be Shippers...but the story's not quite ready for romance. Heck, given what we've seen of Princess Twilight whenever she sees Flash, I'm not sure if SHE is ready for anything more than a dance.
7616385 That's a distinct possibility, sure. But, the way you worded it in the summary made it sound like Twilight was powering it herself.
This is going to be a fun little story. I love the idea of characters beside Twilight, Spike, and Sunset going through the portal. I hope we do see more of Flash in this story though, even if he isn't the focus of another chapter. Glad to see he isn't over Twilight.
It's kind of nice that not all of the girls agree with Sunset's claim that Flash needs to get over Twilight. Plus I love it whenever more characters travel through the portal. Hope that actually happens in future films.
Also, you should indent all of your paragraphs, not just the ones with dialog in them. It looks silly the way it is now.
I'm wondering if the Element of Honesty was using Applejack as its physical avatar at that moment? The Powers of Harmony had simply got enough of Flash being all mopey and emo and decided to just force him to confront his problems head-on and resolve them.
One thing I would suggest:
Slow down. Flesh scenes out a little more. Show versus tell is important for writing. For example, the story told us Flash Sentry's side of what happened with him in literally three sentences and no dialogue. If you skim things like this, your readers have a harder time getting invested. That doesn't mean you have to spoon-feed them everything, of course, but, well, I would've liked to read Flash explain what happened.
7619670
At that moment, Human Applejack became the Element of "Oh for ****'s sake I'm so done with this crap!"
7623113
I tried making a Flashback scene, but I couldn't quite get it down in a way that I was satisfied with. Still, I'll take your advice...I think some of the transitions will get iffy, but I'll try my best.
The second sentence feels off. Besides missing a "to" between "how" and "control", what does not knowing how to control her magic have to do with an impulse to chunk Flash through portals? If she said it's like her magic made her do this, it would make more sense.
Other than that, an interesting start, although there isn't much more to comment here. Although I did particularly enjoy the comment on Cadance sending Twilight pictures of Flash without his armor on.
who next go to equestrian?
I was hopping to see as story with Flash Sentry of Canterlot Hight come visit Princess Twilight in Equestria for a while now and now am happy to see it. I think the story premises of Flash going to Equestria by accident is interesting, but feel that the passing of the story is just way too fast and there could have been a lot more fun things that could have happened while Flash could had wandered in Twilight's castle and into Ponyville before Twilight manages to get him back to the mirror porthole, and could have done a lot more character development developed to it. I think it would have been great if narration shifted between Flash wandering in Ponyville, interacting with the ponyvillian and telling them he is dreaming, having fun and Twilight trying to get him to see sense again, no doubt Flash has suffered a concussion from being pushed in the porthole and and isn't completely himself. I hope you will manage to write a good story out of this.
I think your basic premise is good, but there is plenty of room to expand on it. If Flash stays while longer how will he be loging there would he stay with Twilight or would he be forced to stay at AJ and do work for her to pay for the dates he want to have with her? If he decides to stay for goo what will he be doing for work in Equestria?
I Swear by all that is holy that I will post the next chapter soon!
If was flash I stay there with twilight once life time.
I like this story from just reading this chapter. I wish it continued.