• Member Since 5th May, 2013
  • offline last seen January 27th

PegasusMesa


Every time you read one of my stories, an orphan is allowed to be happy. Do it for the orphans.

E
Source

Rainbow Dash has a wonderful life. A great job, wonderful friends, and a beautiful mare she loves to come home to. At least, she used to love coming home to her.

What do you do when it feels like the chain has slipped in your relationship? Rainbow Dash doesn't know, and until she finds out, her wonderful life isn't quite as wonderful as it seems.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 24 )

Not big on mane 6 pairings, but this one is relatively unique. Good job, but...

when it feels like the chain his slipped in your relationship?

Is that a typo or just advanced word usage I'm not aware of? :P

7609687

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

You like your Raridash, do you?

You just had to enter, didn't you? Why do you have to be such a good author?:raritydespair:

I did it for the orphans.

Neat story, well written.
8/10

7609690 I like it if it's good. #truth

7609712

You give me too much credit :)

huh
This was something a bit different. I rarely run across stories with this theme.
Beautifully written too.

7610127

Well that's very kind of you to say! Thanks for reading!

You're just going to end it without us knowing how Rainbow and Fluttershy work things out? :rainbowhuh: Do you know how much of a tease that is? We don't even know why Rainbow was trying to distance herself from Fluttershy. Still, that was an interesting talk between Rainbow and Rarity.

Comment posted by Voreafillyia deleted Oct 2nd, 2016

I've decided to comment with my thoughts on the story as I read it.

Hovering above Ponyville, Rainbow Dash wiped the streams of sweat from her brow and floated back to examine her work.

A picturesque frame of clouds, both wispy and thick, lit and shadowed, hung over Ponyville and framed the setting sun, catching the brilliant oranges and reds cast out in all directions. The clouds circled the sun in near-perfect symmetry almost like a foal’s cradle. Rainbow stared it for a long moment, and then frowned. Her wings brought her soaring to the cloud frame and she lashed out a few times with her hind legs, sculpting and pushing the fluffy shapes into increasingly complex and intricate patterns. A few moments later the clouds seemed less like actual clouds and more like lovingly crafted lace and cotton, arrayed with an artist’s hoof and a perfectionist’s deliberation. Once more, she moved away to look over it.

This almost sounds like you're beginning with a weather report, especially the setting sun bit. But I suppose it could also be Rainbow just taking special detail with her job.

Scattered applause from below caught her attention, and Rainbow glanced down into Ponyville’s town square, which lay a hundred feet beneath her. A small crowd of ponies had gathered and stared up, stomping their hooves in scattered tandem. Her ears lay flat, and she gave an awkward wave. Suddenly, a gust of cold autumn wind blew by, tugging at her mane. With a violent shiver, she waved once more and glided away on her tired wings.

Boy, I sure do love it when small crowds applaud me for doing my job. Wait, they don't. When does this happen, again?

Another gust of wind went unnoticed as her path meandered through town, as did the full crunching of autumn’s brittle brown leaves under her hooves.

This isn't a nitpick, I just love how you manage to include so much detail without making it seem overly convoluted.

That something was a mare’s low, sultry voice. “Rainbow Dash!” the voice said, crashing through her trance. “How wonderful to see you!”

sul·try
/ˈsəltrē/
1.
(of the air or weather) hot and humid.
synonyms: humid, close, airless, stifling, oppressive, muggy, sticky, sweltering, tropical, heavy; More
2.
(of a person, especially a woman) attractive in a way that suggests a passionate nature.
synonyms: passionate, attractive, sensual, sexy, voluptuous, erotic, seductive
"a sultry film star"

well, she certainly didn't say either of those things in either of those ways if both of those lines of dialogue have exclamation marks at the end of them. and I doubt she said anything hot or humid, or seductive given that they're still in view of the public eye. Odd phrasing to use.

Honestly...I thought this comment was going to be a lot longer, but I couldn't find many more significant issues after the near-beginning.

Uh...

Um...

...

0/10 mention of best pony but she doesn't show up. Any good piece of literature should have 100% more Fluttershy.

Good fic, Mesa

If I had not seen that this story was part of the FlutterDash group before reading it, I would initially assumed this was a RariDash fic. Not only because of the character tags, but also because of Rarity's sultry voice toward Dash. And of course because I'm a sucker for RariDash.

Anyways, great story! The intense build-up of Rarity's pep talk followed by an open-ended ending makes it more interesting.

7612084

I like defying expectations : )

Thanks for reading and commenting! I appreciate it very much!

7610517

Whether or not Rainbow has it in her to effect a real change is something I wanted to leave up to the reader. I felt like giving it a definite ending did a disservice to the fact that fixing a relationship is incredibly difficult to accomplish. Thank you for reading and for commenting!

7610774

Yeah some of my word choices weren't the best. Thanks for the in-depth comment, and thanks for reading in the first place!

*cough* Weather report *cough*

Aside from that, this was a fun, light read.

7612354

Yeeeeeeeeah, I kinda bungled that one, didn't I? Thank you for reading, though!

I will do every story you write during this one-shot-tober silliness.

Put that gun away.

7618527

Well that's one mediocre day that got a helluva lot better. Woo! Thank you!

7618752 You're very welcome!

Hopefully the both of us will still be alive by the end this.

Until then, enjoy some delicious pringle crisps.

7618764 FUCKING GOD DAMMIT WRONG ACCOUNT I'M SO STUPID.

Nicely minimalistic. It could have been expanded so much, but it didn't need to be. The focus was on one very small, very specific, very important change.

I wrote a review of this story in Read It Now #93.

My review can be found here.

“I took Tank’s shell and made an absolutely delightful soup bowl out of it,” Rarity said brightly. “The poor dear’s remains are buried in the back yard, but I doubt you’ll ever find them."

I like how THAT failed to get a reaction from Dash. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

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