Pokemon trainers Brendan and May are still traveling around the region. Although not exactly a couple, they have been mistaken for a couple sometimes. During their journey, they arrive to a place called Canterlot High. Where they will start a Pokemon couple tournament, where a boy and a girl must become a duo, and fight double battles. Brendan and May both decided to enter, and perhaps find love there.
Sci-twi will be called Twilight here, and has the same design as pony Twilight, except with slightly different clothing. Pokemon crossover, mostly with ORAS.
Chapters (3)
Omg Love this so far keep up the amazing work!
also can I ask a couple of questions that might help out with the book of your if you don't mind that is
7615357 Sure. Ask away.
7615375 ok thanks
The question I would like to ask is
1.do you take ideas from others for your story to give you a good idea for future chapters
2.do you accept OC's for your story
And 3 (this depends on what your answer is for question 2). Do you and willing to do OC shipping with a cannon character
7615379 Here are my answers.
1: Future chapters can be suggested.
2: I don't mind OC's
3: As long as the shipping doesn't involve any of the Mane 6, or Spike then it's alright.
7615390 ok
1.Yay
2.
And 3. Does that count for Sunset Aswell?... or no
7615396 I never mentioned Sunset. So no, Sunset doesn't count.
I think this looks good so far. I'm guessing Flash and Sci-Twi will be a couple, full support there, I hope Soarin and Rainbow are a couple too.
7615399 ok then well that case
1. For future chapters a couple should have Pokémon like NindoKing and Nindoqueen,Mewostic male and female and Galie and Frosslass and Gardevoir and Galade any Pokémon that has a Evolution deepened on gender it is
2. I have 2 OC who my Fav and mane OC's Arctic Ace Specialist at Ice and dragon type Pokémon and sweet kind and friendly there is and Shadow Thunder Older brother of ace specialist at Electric Dark and ghost Pokémon and sweet kind and friendly like his younger brother Ace but likes messing with him from time to time
3.Shipping SunAce=Arctic AcexSunset and StarThunder=Starlight GlimmerXShadow Thunder
7615418 Okay. I will see to it. But the OC's may probably lose to either the Mane 6 shippings, or Brendan and May.
7615429 kk
I'm liking this story already
7616731 the story has just begun. My OC's background are not done yet. This is my first story of both romance and pokemon. I get your point altight, but please chill out.
7616755 maybe i should yeah. Sorry if i sound offended, i'm just a little stressed. But once i have time, i will upgrade my first chapter.
7616757 Good! I wish you luck!
7616800 thanks. Will you read the updated version once it's done? And check if they're more errors or something.
7616811 Sure thing! I'll check in and let you know if I notice anything.
It's definitely an improvement. Firstly, I have to commend you for pretty much eliminating the blatant copy-pasting of the anime. The characters and roles they fill are certainly more distinct and have some sort of identity. The characters have also improved somewhat. Brendan is not nearly as idiotic or annoying as before and has a more established backstory and personality and May seems to exist a little more as her own character rather than just a foil to Brendan. The relationship between Brendan and May is also handled a little better, with them exchanging friendly teasing in some instances rather than say May just shooting him down all the time. Another thing I liked is the fact that you threw in the fact that Rob and Stella actually have a new employer. That's a very interesting and attention-grabbing detail and can get readers interested in the story.
With all that being said there are still several problems. The writing style still feels rather mechanical and the descriptions are still rather bland.
"Brendan commanded, while he and May jumped on his back. Skales obeyed, and begins to take flight. Skales flapped his large wings, and flew at high speed."
It's just kind of stating what's happening as if this was a biography, when it's supposed to be a story. A story is written in a narrative style, this is an expository style. Here's how I personally would have written that part of the scene:
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"Skales, can you fly us to Lilycove city?" Brendan asked.
Skales nodded his head, smiling with the warmth of a sun. Then Brendan walked up to the blue and red dragon Pokemon, and Skales promptly crouched down, allowing his trainer to climb up onto his back. Brendan felt the scaly hide of the blue and red dragon Pokemon as he sat down. May followed suit, climbing onto his back and sitting behind her best friend.
It brought Brendan much joy yet much awkwardness to be in such close proximity to May, but he actively shoved those thoughts to the back of his head and kept his focus on the task at hand. Skales slowly got up, and brought up Brendan's anticipation, and by extension heart rate with every passing inch. Skales then stopped when he got up fully, and Brendan couldn't help but smile as he braced himself with the excitement of soaring through the Hoenn Skies.
The blue and red dragon Pokemon emitted a bark, asking Brendan and May if they were ready. Brendan answered:
"Yes Skales! I'm ready!"
"Same here." May reported.
With that information, Skales crouched for one second, preparing himself to take off, and making Brendan's heart beat even faster in anticipation. The next second, Brendan suddenly felt the wind blowing in his face and his heart practically bursting out of his chest as Skales lept off the ground and flapped his wings hard, leaving the crusty and hard ground of Fallarbor behind and taking Brendan and May closer to the blue sky with him.
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Now what I've written here isn't perfect, but it follows a more narrative format. Taking it's time to vividly describe the events that are happening, really getting inside the character's head, and making you feel like you're really there experiencing those events. It also showcases character through thoughts, actions, and dialogue. Establishing that Skales is gentle despite his intimidating appearance by having him show signs of caring about his trainer and May by smiling, making it easy for them to get on, and making sure that they are okay. Also helping to establish the fact that Brendan likes May a lot as a friend while also secretly harboring a crush for her. It's showing us these things rather than telling them, and I really think that's what your story needs. You have some decent Ideas here, but your communication of them is severely lacking.
Some other more minor things I would suggest would include:
- Brendan being enthusiastic and cocky are decent idea for character flaws, but since he's more of a veteran trainer who has traversed many regions, battled many Pokemon Leagues and has no doubt had to deal with the consequences of his character flaws many times, I think that Brendan should be portrayed as someone who is painfully aware and not proud of his mistakes and gets irritated with himself for repeatedly making them. Perhaps after he yells on the plane and gets shushed by everyone, he sighs irritably thinking 'I did it again didn't I."
- I've noticed some errors in the tenses. Many times you've written a word in present tense when it should have been past tense.
"They both quickly buyed a ticket from a ticket shop nearby"
It should have said "bought" the ticket, not "buyed" the ticket.
Not only that, but there were also some statements that the characters said that were something no sane human would ever say.
"Excuse me Nurse Joy. But i have heard of a Pokemon Tournament. Can you please tell me more about it? They said that you knew all the info."
This sentence is awkward because of the way it's worded. The typical way you would word a sentence like this would look more like this:
"Pardon me Nurse Joy, but someone told me that there was a Pokemon Tournament somewhere, and that I should come to you if I wanted to know more about it."
I get that stuff happens and mistakes are made, but a lot of them are present here I just thought that I would point out two examples in hopes that it can help you weed out similar mistakes.
- Despite what I said at the beginning, Brendan and May's relationship still needs a bit of ironing out. It feels like Brendan is just being shot down by May a lot and not a ton of just the two exchanging friendly teasing or having fun interplay. There is some of that stuff here, but I feel there isn't enough to make this feel like a true friendship. Try having Brendan making comebacks to some of May's teasing or have May make some mistakes too and Brendan point them out as well. Make the two feel more even and not just have one beating on the other.
-May doesn't feel like she has too much of her own character yet. There are glimpses of it here and there, but I still feel she's too much of a foil to Brendan rather than her own person. It's not as bad as it was before, but it's still a problem. Try to establish some flaws that May might have as well, like for example, perhaps she's afraid of heights and is a little nervous about the idea of flying on Skales' back and yet be fine with a plane because planes have walls and seat belts, and Salamences don't. You don't have to establish absolutely everything about her in the first chapter, but It would be a good idea to show off a few traits to make her seem more like a three dimensional character and to help convince people that this story might be worth reading.
And that's all I have to say for now. Sorry that this post is a little long-winded, but I just had a lot to say and go through and I want my information to be as detailed and helpful as possible. I hope this information helps you and that the story improves.
Also, I'll be deleting my previous comments as I feel that they are outdated and irrelevant at this point.
7648224 I will see to it. Who do you think Rob and Stella's employer is? You don't mind that i use your suggestive dialogue?
7648862
I have no idea who Rob and Stella's secret employer is or could be. My first guess would be Giovanni or something cliched like that, but I have a feeling that it could be someone else I'm not expecting, maybe even a new character entirely. It could be anyone really. I suppose I'll have to find out later. And yes, you may use the provided examples of dialogue I suggested in your story. Try to use them as examples to follow while revising the rest of the narrative.
Omg love this so much! It was worth the wait for the next chapter to come out and I love it keep up the good work and amazing job
7650022
Why? Try to give reasons why the story is good or why you liked it, and also point out things you don't like or that could be improved on. Just saying "OMG I like this story" isn't helpful on it's own.
Sorry to say dude, but this chapter is just as bad as the previous one was before it's revision. I'll list down my problems as I usually do.
- The writing hasn't improved. Once again, it's too brief, bland, and uninteresting. It's incredibly expository and not nearly as narrative as it should be. It's difficult to get immersed in the story if the writing is so flat. Not many spelling or grammar errors this time however, which is good. I'll have to explain how to write correctly elsewhere, but this chapter has other problems unfortunately.
- The dialogue is god-awful. So much of it is expository, pointing out the bleeding obvious, are things that no human on earth in their right minds would say, or things that are contrary to events that happened or was established earlier in the story. To bring up just a few examples:
Brendan was excited to be at Canterlot High, due to it being the place where the pokemon tournament is held. While walking through the halls, the four teens were talking with each other.
"Whew. It's exciting to be at the tournament." Brendan said.
"You sound excited.
You established the fact that Brendan was excited three times all very close to each other. We can tell that he's excited already by his actions. You don't need to reiterate that fact twice. To put it simply: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBhR4QcBtE
"Those two have tried to defeat us, numerous of times. And trust me, they always fight dirty." May said. She remembered their many dirty tricks. Like power restraining armor on their pokemon, too warm areas, or attacking them while hungry
This opens up a plot hole: If May and Brendan have been ambushed and challenged by these two for this long, then how did they fall so easily to their trap set up in the previous chapter? If this is a common occurrence, then surely Brendan and May would watch their backs more carefully. Instead they got defeated as easily as if it was the first time it happened to them.
Right. I'm so sorry May. You see i'm a fashionista. So i care a lot about clothing styles." Rarity apologized.
The use of the word "Fashionista" is completely out of character for Rarity. She would never say that word because it's a word commonly used by informal people with informal speech patterns. Rarity has a much more formal speech pattern and a more formal vocabulary, and the word "Fashionista" is not formal.
"She thinks that she's so tough, just because she defeats a bunch of little girls?!" Brendan said in irritation. If there is one thing he can't stand, it's bullies and meanies. "That's it i'm going to put her in her place." Brendan said, while beginning to jump towards the football yard.
"What are you going to do?" Cheese Sandwich asked him.
"I thought it was obvious. I'm challenging her to a pokemon battle." Brendan replied. That made the others look toward him in surprise. But understood, since they can see his reason for challenging Trixie.
"Brendan doesn't like bullies and mean egomaniacs." May explained. "Whenever he sees one, he will stand up to them."
May is stating the bloody obvious here. We can tell that Brendan hates bullies and egomaniacs it was firmly established by his response to Trixie's actions and by his actions afterwards. And it's not like this is something that May needs to explain to the other characters because this is something they should be able to figure out on their own. Your audience is not comprised of idiots. They don't need to be told the same fact over and over for them to understand it. By stating it over and over again you are insulting their intelligence, and people on the internet REALLY don't like having their intelligence insulted.
"May. Was it wise of Brendan to send out a bug fire type pokemon against Blastoise?" Fluttershy asked in concern. "You know that fire types are weak against water types."
"How... How is that possible?! Hydro Pump should have dealt lots of damage to your Volcarona about now. How is it still standing?!"
"Simple Trixie. I simply made Volcarona use Sunny Day. Which everything becomes hotter, and makes Blastoise's water type attacks weaker." Brendan explained.
Once again, this is stating the obvious, or at least something that should be obvious to the characters. Since Princible Celestia is inviting trainers around the world and it's likely that there will be at least few participants that are ludicrously strong and experienced, I don't feel it's too unreasonable to assume that most of the students at Canterlot High know quite a bit about Pokemon battling. Type matchups like Water<Fire and the fact that Sunny Day weakens water-type moves should be basic information to these characters. Never mind the fact that this dialogue is incredibly expository and therefore cringe-worthy, these are things that the characters should know and yet they're surprised like they've never seen them before. Your making the characters look like idiots by doing this. And to further rub salt in the wound:
"Wow. A very smart strategy he came up with. So that's why he used a fire type like Volcarona against Trixie." Twilight said, surprised that Brendan knew such a smart strategy against water type pokemon.
"I must say that he's very impressive." Flash complimented Brendan's battle skills.
"That was so awesome." Rainbow Dash cheered behind Brendan.
Why are these characters so impressed? Using Sunny Day to weaken Water-type moves is a basic tactic that anyone who's had at least a moderate amount of experience with pokemon battling should know. These characters shouldn't be so impressed unless they've hardly ever participated in a pokemon battle in their lives, and I'm assuming that wasn't supposed to be the case because you never establish it and Brendan and May never react to it.
And these are just a few examples. The Dialogue overall is incredibly cringe-worthy and tedious to read through.
- You know, for a tournament that supposedly allows both couples and friends alike to participate, the tournament seems to be comprised of strictly couples so far. And if I'm going to be honest, it's making it blatantly obvious that you're going to push the romance aspect of Brendan and May's relationship. It's horribly unsubtle and I honestly think you should tone it back and throw in some participants who are just friends. I've observed that you seem to be into the whole shipping thing and this is your method of expressing which pairings you like, but you're going overboard and it's distracting. Have a balance of both couples and friends and try to make the tone not so heavy-handed.
- This may seem like a nitpick, but Blastioise using Withdraw to protect against Baltoy's Ancientpower was a stupid move, because Withdraw only reduces damage taken from physical attacks and Ancientpower is a special attack. Blastoise should've just used protect or evaded instead.
To put it bluntly, this chapter is extremely flawed needs serious work and heavy revision.
More?
What is ORAS?
7904315 It's short for Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. The remakes of Ruby and Sapphire
It's very fast-paced and exposition-y, but it sets up the story nicely.
So, who are you pairing Trixie with for the tournament? The pacing is still pretty fast. A little more dialogue between the characters should slow it down a bit.
So, I guess that takes care of the exposition. Now comes the rising action.