Canterlot High and new friends(rewritten)
In the Hoenn region, on the middle of route 114, a rocky road with grass fields around. two pokemon trainers were walking through. The first one is a boy with brown hair, wears a white hat, black shorts, and a red shirt. The girl has also brown hair. She wears a red ribbon on her head, a red shirt, and double shorts(for unknown reasons). And they each held a mega bangle around their right arm. Their names are Brendan and May. They both live in Littleroot Town and are both around 18 years old. They have been close friends since childhood, and have traveled through the large pokemon world together, starting with their home region Hoenn.
"So May. It's nice journeying around Hoenn again right?" Brendan asked his best friend.
"I know right? We've started our journey 5 years ago. It's nice to back at our home region." May cheerfully replied. Her and Brendan has traveled together for a total of 5 years. They started their pokemon journey at the exact same time, and since they are best friends, they decided to travel together instead of individually, Neither Brendan nor May have set a foot on Hoenn for almost 1 full year.
"Yeah, you and me both May." Brendan said with a smile. "It's nice to be back in our home region, after battling an entire league in the Kalos region."
"Not to mention performing at those wonderful pokemon showcases." May said. "By the way Brendan. It's actually getting a bit boring traveling around now, and find the same contest or gym. We haven't found anything new, since our trip to the Battle Frontier. Both of us could need a little excitement." May said a little tired. They have traveled for weeks, finding something new to find. But currently to no avail, since all they found were ordinary pokemon battles. Although Brendan never said no to challenges, he also wished something new and exciting would happen.
"I know May. But you shouldn't give up trying. If something slows you down, you just speed it up! That's what my dad taught me." Brendan proudly said, while rising his fist up in the air. He remembered the good times he had, with his father Norman. May sighed, since Brendan was just like his father. Confident, Cocky, and enjoyed pokemon battles. But made up with a cheerful, and kind hearted side, which May was proud of. "But we should be close to Fallabor Town. We can take the night there."
Sure." May said in agreement. And just as Brendan said, they have just arrived to Fallabor Town. May remembered the time, where she competed in a pokemon contest there. They walked to the closest Pokemon-Center to rest for the night. They looked inside, and saw numerous Pokemon Trainers were discussing about something. While it looked normal at first, they quickly noticed that each of the talking duos, were a boy and a girl.
"Hey. Are you going to enter the tournament?" A boy trainer asked a girl trainer.
"Of course i am. But only if you join me." The girl cheerfully replied to the boy, who blushed in respond.
"Tournament? What tournament?" Brendan asked in confusion. The two trainers looked at Brendan.
"Haven't you heard? There will be a pokemon tournament."
"Yes i just heard that. But where?" Brendan asked.
"You should ask Nurse Joy that. She knows all the info." The girl responded, while pointing at the Nurse Joy, at the Pokemon Center counter. Brendan ran over to Nurse Joy in a hurry, while May is simply walking over to her.
"In a hurry as always." May muttered while face-palming. She knew that Brendan loved Pokemon battles, especially tournaments. Just hearing the word "Tournament" will make him eager to find out more about it. Brendan was now close to Nurse Joy.
""Pardon me Nurse Joy, but someone told me that there was a Pokemon Tournament somewhere, and that I should come to you if I wanted to know more about it." Brendan asked the nurse, with an excited expression.
"Of course." Nurse Joy chuckled. "You see, someone named Principal Celestia has just announced a Pokemon Battle Tournament at her school on the TV. She said that she has seen many pokemon trainers in love with each other, and decided to see their close bonds more, by announcing a little pokemon tournament. Others worldwide may join as well."
Brendan thought a little to himself. Should he join? Or should he decline? He and May are best friends, but they're not lovers. That made Brendan a bit nervous.
"Just one question. Is it necessary to be lovers, in order to participate at the tournament?" Brendan asked nervously. Nurse Joy chuckled a little at his nervousness.
"Many nervous trainers have asked me that question. But it's not necessary to be lovers, in order to participate. You can also invite your best friend, right behind you." Nurse Joy cheerfully said. Brendan was quiet, and turned around, noticing May right behind him.
"Oh... Hi May. How long have you stalked me?" Brendan asked while scratching the back of his head. May snickered at Brendan.
"For like only two seconds." May snickered. Brendan innocently smiled at her. "But anyway, this tournament sounds very interesting. Do you have any plans Brendan?" May asked her still blushing best friend.
"Not really May. Why?"
"Because maybe we should enter it together." May cheerfully stated. That statement made Brendan quiet. "You know, just like best friends do."
"Uuhhh... Sure sure. If you're in May, i'm in as well." Brendan stated, stopping his silence. "But we still don't know where it is yet."
"No need to worry. Principal Celestia has also announced where it is." Nurse Joy stated. She then pulled out a piece of paper. "It's in a new region called "Equis"" She said.
"Equis? Never heard of that one before." Brendan said. He knows about Kanto, Johto, Hoenn(which is where he and May lives), Sinnoh, Unova, and the Kalos region. But Equis is new to him.
"That's why she said it was new you dummy." May chuckled, while giving a weak punch on Brendan's arm.
"Oh right."
"Your friend is right. Equis is a place, not many knows much about here in Hoenn. But it's said to be a beautiful place, filled with Pokemon and friendship." Nurse Joy stated.
"Sounds like a nice region." May said. "But the question is, how do we get there? And what town is it?"
"I have heard of a plane, flying to Equis will fly tomorrow. And the town is just nearby the place where the plane lands. The plane will be set, at Lilycove City."
"Lilycove City? That doesn't sound so bad. Skales can just fly us there." Brendan said.
"Skales sounds like a good choice." May said. Skales is Brendan's Salamence.
" Yup. Skales is strong, and he can easily fly us to Lilycove City in no time." Brendan said, before turning back to Nurse Joy. "But anyway, me and May want to sleep here for tonight."
"Sure. Please enjoy the tournament tomorrow. You may become more than friends there. Unless you already are." Nurse Joy said with a friendly tease. That made Brendan and May look at each other for a few seconds, and then looked away.
"No no. She's not girlfriend." Brendan said. "Just my friend."
"You got it all wrong. He's not my boyfriend." May said. "And just like he said. We are just friends."
"Sure, whatever you say. Anyway enjoy the night." Nurse Joy waved to them, while the two trainers were walking to their lent rooms. But they haven't noticed, that two mysterious persons has heard their conversation, from outside the building. They were both silhouetted.
"So they're entering the tournament?" The silhouetted man asked.
"Yup. With our pokemon training, and our newly improved technology, we can beat them for sure. We just need to follow them to the new region." The silhouetted woman confidently said.
"Well... That does sound a little too dangerous, if you ask me." The man said, before getting whacked in the head, by the woman.
"Ow. That hurt." The man said, while rubbing his head.
"Then shut up, and just follow my lead." The woman shouted at her partner. The two then disappeared in the shadows.
The next day Brendan and May were outside, while Brendan was holding a poke-ball.
"Skales! Let's go!" Brendan yelled, while throwing out the poke-ball. And out came a blue dragon, with red wings. It was Skales, Brendan's Salamence. But despite his intimidating look, he was actually quite gentle. "Skales, can you fly us to Lilycove city?" Brendan asked.
Skales nodded his head, smiling with the warmth of a sun. Then Brendan walked up to the blue and red dragon Pokemon, and Skales promptly crouched down, allowing his trainer to climb up onto his back. Brendan felt the scaly hide of the blue and red dragon Pokemon as he sat down. May followed suit, climbing onto his back and sitting behind her best friend.
It brought Brendan much joy yet much awkwardness to be in such close proximity to May, but he actively shoved those thoughts to the back of his head and kept his focus on the task at hand. Skales slowly got up, and brought up Brendan's anticipation, and by extension heart rate with every passing inch. Skales then stopped when he got up fully, and Brendan couldn't help but smile as he braced himself with the excitement of soaring through the Hoenn Skies.
The blue and red dragon Pokemon emitted a bark, asking Brendan and May if they were ready.
"Yes Skales! I'm ready!" Brendan replied to Skales.
"Same here." May reported.
With that information, Skales crouched for one second, preparing himself to take off, and making Brendan's heart beat even faster in anticipation. The next second, Brendan suddenly felt the wind blowing in his face and his heart practically bursting out of his chest as Skales lept off the ground and flapped his wings hard, leaving the crusty and hard ground of Fallarbor behind and taking Brendan and May closer to the blue sky with him.
"Woooooooo!!! It's fun riding you again!" Brendan yelled, while rising his arms in cheer.
"Just remember not to fall off." May reminded him. Brendan immediately took his arms down. They then arrived in Lilycove City in just 15 minutes, due to Skales great speed.
"Good job Skales. Return!" Brendan yelled out Skales roared happily, while being returning to his poke-ball. They then saw a large plane, which was taking some pokemon trainers with them on board.
"Ready?" Brendan asked his best friend.
"Ready." May responded with a nod. They both quickly bought a ticket from a ticket shop nearby, and entered the plane. One hour later or so, the plane took flight towards the Equis region.
"I'm so excited for the tournament. I hope i will meet some strong opponents there." Brendan almost yelled in excitement, before getting shushed by the other passengers.
"Shush Brendan. I'm sure we will meet some powerful trainers." May said, while dragging Brendan back to his seat. Brendan blushed a little.
"Sorry about that May."
"It's alright, just remember to keep it calm." May replied. The two trainers couldn't wait to meet some powerful trainers there.
After three hours of flight, the two trainers have finally arrived to the Equis region. Once the plane landed, all the passengers exited. Brendan and May left the airport, and was standing in front of a Taxi station.
"So where is the tournament?" Brendan asked May, who in respond took out a paper, which Nurse Joy from yesterday gave them.
"It's located in a place, called "Canterlot High" which is located in a town, called Maretropolis."
"Maretropolis? Sounds funny." Brendan chuckled. They both walked over to a nearby Taxi.
"Yes, what can i do for you two?" The Taxi driver asked.
"Please drive us to Canterlot High, in Maretropolis please." May replied, while showing the driver the paper.
"Okay you two lovers, jump in." The Taxi driver said, which made the two blush.
"Were not lovers. But anyway just drive us there." Brendan said while blushing. The two entered the Taxi, and were driven over to Maretropolis. After thirty minutes of driving, they drove into a semi-large city. Brendan and May were amazed by it. It was almost like Castelia City, except smaller, and shorter buildings. They then arrived to a large school, in the middle of the city. They both got out, and paid the driver.
"Were here May. But i can't see any trainers nearby." Brendan said, while looking around the place. He has expected some trainers nearby. But saw no one, but himself and May around.
"Maybe they are inside Brendan. Let's check it out." May stated. They then walked over to the entrance, of the school. But just before they could get near the entrance, they were both surprised, at an upcoming capture net, capturing them.
"What the?! What's going on?" Brendan yelled confusing. Then the man and the woman from before, appeared from the bushes. They were now visible to the view. They were both around 30, the man had grey hair, and a white grey suit, while the woman had red hair, and also had a white grey suit, except more feminine. And they are someone, Brendan and May both know too well.
"Why hello there Brendan and May. Long time no see... Right?" The man nervously said.
"We have so waited, for finally attempting revenge on you two." The woman said in delight. Both May and Brendan gritted their teeth in anger.
"Rob and Stealla. Haven't seen you for a few years." Brendan said. The last time they met, were when they fought Team Galactic together back on Sinnoh, and defeated their boss Cyrus. Rob and Stealla were two high ranked agents in Team Galactic, and has followed both Brendan and May ever since Cyrus's defeat.
"Are you two still mad, about Cyrus's defeat? Don't you know something called, "the past is the past"?" May said in annoyance. The two trainers tried to get free from the net, but to no avail.
"Oh no, we don't work for our former boss Cyrus anymore. But we found a new employer, and has paid us really well, in capturing you two." The man named Rob said.
"New employer? You got a new boss?" May asked in confusion.
"Yup. And did i also forget to mention, that we have gotten stronger, since the last time we fought." Stealla said while taking out her poke-ball. Rob did the same, while also taking out a poke-ball.
"GO GOURGEIST!"
"KROOKODILE COME OUT NOW!"
Out from their poke-balls, a pumpkin ghost like pokemon came out of Stealla's poke-ball. While a large red crocodile like pokemon came out of Rob's. They both looked like, they were ready for trouble.
"You remember my beautiful Gourgeist?" Stealla said in vain. "It's now much more beautiful than ever. Not to mention way stronger." She said, while Gourgeist was cheering behind her.
"And you remember my Krokorok?" Rob said with huge pride. "He is now a bigger, badder, and stronger Krookodile... Hopefully" He said, while Krookodile showed it's muscles to them.
"Yeah. They look like even bigger punching bags than before." Brendan joked. While May chuckled at the joke, Stella and their pokemon, glared at Brendan in anger.
"Did you just insult us?!" Rob asked in anger.
"Maybe. But i have to agree with Brendan. They don't look much different than the last time we fought them." May said, with a chuckle. That only made the three of them angrier.
"Enough of this. We are wasting time Rob. Let's get them out of the way, so they can't enter the tournament." Stealla ordered, with Rob calming down a bit. Brendan and May then tried to take their poke-balls, but was stopped by a electricity shock, coming from the net.
"Ah-ah. The net has shocked your poke-balls. Which means that you can't touch them, unless you are free from the net." Rob said. The two criminals walked closer to the two helpless trainers in order to steal their pokemon. But then they all heard two voices yelling out.
"CHESNAUGHT USE PIN MISSILE!"
"DELPHOX HIT THEM WITH FLAMETHROWER!"
The two agents and their pokemon looked at where the voice came from, and to their shock saw some upcoming green missiles of energy, and a large flamethrower towards them. Their pokemon were hit, and send towards the wall. Rob and Stealla looked, and saw a Chesnaught, and a Delphox standing there, with two trainers near them. The first one was a tall light skinned boy, with blue hair, with a lightning shield sign on his shirt. The other was a girl, with lavender skin, purple hair, and a sparkling star sign on her skirt.
"Who are you two? Why are you interfering us?" Rob asked in confusion.
"We saw you try to steal from those two." The girl said.
"And we were going to help them." The boy said, in agreement. While Brendan and May looked in amazement at the two trainers, the two agents, along with their recovered pokemon looked at them in anger.
"Then prepare to be taken down. Gourgeist! Hit Delphox with Flame Charge!"
"Krookodile! Give that Chesnaught a taste of your Crunch!"
Gourgeist and Krookodile obeyed, and launched their attacks at the pokemon. Chesnaught and Delphox however both looked very calm at the situation.
"Chesnaught! Spiky Shield!"
"Delphox! Reflect!"
Delphox created a square barrier, which made Gourgeist bump directly to the barrier. Chesnaught meanwhile was creating a shield with spikes on it. Krookodile bit the spiked shield, and comically jumped around in pain, while rubbing it's tongue. The boy and the girl both looked confidently at each other.
"Let's finish this." The boy said to the girl.
"Right. Delphox use Mystical Fire!" The girl ordered to her Delphox, who made some fire orbs, and shooted them towards their two opponents.
"Chesnaught follow up with Seed Bomb!" The boy ordered to his Chesnaught, who in respond shooted out some bombs out of it's mouth, which hit Delphox's Mystical Fire, and made it look bigger and deadlier.
"That doesn't look good." Stella nervously said, while Rob was cowering himself in fear at the upcoming attack. Krookodile and Gourgeist held each other in fear. The combined attack hit them, and smoke occurred. When the smoke ended, Gourgeist and Krookodile were both knock outed, and has landed on their respective unconscious trainer, thus making neither of them unable to escape. The boy and the girl along with Chesnaught and Delphox walked over to Brendan and May, and removed the net from them.
"Are you two alright?" The boy asked in concern.
"Yes were both alright. Thanks for helping us. Who are you two?" Brendan asked.
"My name is Flash Sentry. And this is Twilight Sparkle." The boy known as Flash Sentry introduced himself and his friend.
"We just arrived here to meet with some friends. But then me and Flash saw you in trouble. And then we send out our Chesnaught and Delphox to help you." Twilight said, while Chesnaught and Delphox smiled towards the two trainers.
"Good to meet you, and thank you for helping us. I'm May." May said, while introducing herself.
"And i'm Brendan." Brendan introduced himself. "And you both seem to be really strong trainers here."
"Well... I wouldn't call me and Twilight strong. But were quite good here." Flash said bashfully.
"Yeah, what Flash said." Twilight said. "By the way, are you two going for the tournament too?"
"We sure are." Brendan stated.
"Then why don't you come with us? We can show you the way." Flash offered.
"Sure. We are here for some time. So we can know a little more about this place." Brendan responded.
"But what about those two?" May asked, while pointing at the still unconscious criminals.
"I don't think those two will wake up anytime soon. Besides, me and Twilight called the authorities, before we engaged in the battle." Flash said, while he and Twilight took out a poke-ball each.
"Chesnaught/Delphox return." They both said, while returning their two pokemon back to their balls.
"Then that sounds great. Please follow us." Twilight said. Brendan and May followed Flash and Twilight, who walked into Canterlot High. Brendan began to look in excitement.
"I can't wait for the tournament, and their opponents." Brendan thought in excitement. He was now more eager, to face the strong opponents there.
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Omg Love this so far keep up the amazing work!
also can I ask a couple of questions that might help out with the book of your if you don't mind that is
7615357 Sure. Ask away.
7615375 ok thanks
The question I would like to ask is
1.do you take ideas from others for your story to give you a good idea for future chapters
2.do you accept OC's for your story
And 3 (this depends on what your answer is for question 2). Do you and willing to do OC shipping with a cannon character
7615379 Here are my answers.
1: Future chapters can be suggested.
2: I don't mind OC's
3: As long as the shipping doesn't involve any of the Mane 6, or Spike then it's alright.
7615390 ok
1.Yay
2.
And 3. Does that count for Sunset Aswell?... or no
7615396 I never mentioned Sunset. So no, Sunset doesn't count.
I think this looks good so far. I'm guessing Flash and Sci-Twi will be a couple, full support there, I hope Soarin and Rainbow are a couple too.
7615399 ok then well that case
1. For future chapters a couple should have Pokémon like NindoKing and Nindoqueen,Mewostic male and female and Galie and Frosslass and Gardevoir and Galade any Pokémon that has a Evolution deepened on gender it is
2. I have 2 OC who my Fav and mane OC's Arctic Ace Specialist at Ice and dragon type Pokémon and sweet kind and friendly there is and Shadow Thunder Older brother of ace specialist at Electric Dark and ghost Pokémon and sweet kind and friendly like his younger brother Ace but likes messing with him from time to time
3.Shipping SunAce=Arctic AcexSunset and StarThunder=Starlight GlimmerXShadow Thunder
7615418 Okay. I will see to it. But the OC's may probably lose to either the Mane 6 shippings, or Brendan and May.
7615429 kk
I'm liking this story already
7616731 the story has just begun. My OC's background are not done yet. This is my first story of both romance and pokemon. I get your point altight, but please chill out.
7616755 maybe i should yeah. Sorry if i sound offended, i'm just a little stressed. But once i have time, i will upgrade my first chapter.
7616757 Good! I wish you luck!
7616800 thanks. Will you read the updated version once it's done? And check if they're more errors or something.
7616811 Sure thing! I'll check in and let you know if I notice anything.
It's definitely an improvement. Firstly, I have to commend you for pretty much eliminating the blatant copy-pasting of the anime. The characters and roles they fill are certainly more distinct and have some sort of identity. The characters have also improved somewhat. Brendan is not nearly as idiotic or annoying as before and has a more established backstory and personality and May seems to exist a little more as her own character rather than just a foil to Brendan. The relationship between Brendan and May is also handled a little better, with them exchanging friendly teasing in some instances rather than say May just shooting him down all the time. Another thing I liked is the fact that you threw in the fact that Rob and Stella actually have a new employer. That's a very interesting and attention-grabbing detail and can get readers interested in the story.
With all that being said there are still several problems. The writing style still feels rather mechanical and the descriptions are still rather bland.
"Brendan commanded, while he and May jumped on his back. Skales obeyed, and begins to take flight. Skales flapped his large wings, and flew at high speed."
It's just kind of stating what's happening as if this was a biography, when it's supposed to be a story. A story is written in a narrative style, this is an expository style. Here's how I personally would have written that part of the scene:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Skales, can you fly us to Lilycove city?" Brendan asked.
Skales nodded his head, smiling with the warmth of a sun. Then Brendan walked up to the blue and red dragon Pokemon, and Skales promptly crouched down, allowing his trainer to climb up onto his back. Brendan felt the scaly hide of the blue and red dragon Pokemon as he sat down. May followed suit, climbing onto his back and sitting behind her best friend.
It brought Brendan much joy yet much awkwardness to be in such close proximity to May, but he actively shoved those thoughts to the back of his head and kept his focus on the task at hand. Skales slowly got up, and brought up Brendan's anticipation, and by extension heart rate with every passing inch. Skales then stopped when he got up fully, and Brendan couldn't help but smile as he braced himself with the excitement of soaring through the Hoenn Skies.
The blue and red dragon Pokemon emitted a bark, asking Brendan and May if they were ready. Brendan answered:
"Yes Skales! I'm ready!"
"Same here." May reported.
With that information, Skales crouched for one second, preparing himself to take off, and making Brendan's heart beat even faster in anticipation. The next second, Brendan suddenly felt the wind blowing in his face and his heart practically bursting out of his chest as Skales lept off the ground and flapped his wings hard, leaving the crusty and hard ground of Fallarbor behind and taking Brendan and May closer to the blue sky with him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now what I've written here isn't perfect, but it follows a more narrative format. Taking it's time to vividly describe the events that are happening, really getting inside the character's head, and making you feel like you're really there experiencing those events. It also showcases character through thoughts, actions, and dialogue. Establishing that Skales is gentle despite his intimidating appearance by having him show signs of caring about his trainer and May by smiling, making it easy for them to get on, and making sure that they are okay. Also helping to establish the fact that Brendan likes May a lot as a friend while also secretly harboring a crush for her. It's showing us these things rather than telling them, and I really think that's what your story needs. You have some decent Ideas here, but your communication of them is severely lacking.
Some other more minor things I would suggest would include:
- Brendan being enthusiastic and cocky are decent idea for character flaws, but since he's more of a veteran trainer who has traversed many regions, battled many Pokemon Leagues and has no doubt had to deal with the consequences of his character flaws many times, I think that Brendan should be portrayed as someone who is painfully aware and not proud of his mistakes and gets irritated with himself for repeatedly making them. Perhaps after he yells on the plane and gets shushed by everyone, he sighs irritably thinking 'I did it again didn't I."
- I've noticed some errors in the tenses. Many times you've written a word in present tense when it should have been past tense.
"They both quickly buyed a ticket from a ticket shop nearby"
It should have said "bought" the ticket, not "buyed" the ticket.
Not only that, but there were also some statements that the characters said that were something no sane human would ever say.
"Excuse me Nurse Joy. But i have heard of a Pokemon Tournament. Can you please tell me more about it? They said that you knew all the info."
This sentence is awkward because of the way it's worded. The typical way you would word a sentence like this would look more like this:
"Pardon me Nurse Joy, but someone told me that there was a Pokemon Tournament somewhere, and that I should come to you if I wanted to know more about it."
I get that stuff happens and mistakes are made, but a lot of them are present here I just thought that I would point out two examples in hopes that it can help you weed out similar mistakes.
- Despite what I said at the beginning, Brendan and May's relationship still needs a bit of ironing out. It feels like Brendan is just being shot down by May a lot and not a ton of just the two exchanging friendly teasing or having fun interplay. There is some of that stuff here, but I feel there isn't enough to make this feel like a true friendship. Try having Brendan making comebacks to some of May's teasing or have May make some mistakes too and Brendan point them out as well. Make the two feel more even and not just have one beating on the other.
-May doesn't feel like she has too much of her own character yet. There are glimpses of it here and there, but I still feel she's too much of a foil to Brendan rather than her own person. It's not as bad as it was before, but it's still a problem. Try to establish some flaws that May might have as well, like for example, perhaps she's afraid of heights and is a little nervous about the idea of flying on Skales' back and yet be fine with a plane because planes have walls and seat belts, and Salamences don't. You don't have to establish absolutely everything about her in the first chapter, but It would be a good idea to show off a few traits to make her seem more like a three dimensional character and to help convince people that this story might be worth reading.
And that's all I have to say for now. Sorry that this post is a little long-winded, but I just had a lot to say and go through and I want my information to be as detailed and helpful as possible. I hope this information helps you and that the story improves.
Also, I'll be deleting my previous comments as I feel that they are outdated and irrelevant at this point.
7648224 I will see to it. Who do you think Rob and Stella's employer is? You don't mind that i use your suggestive dialogue?
7648862
I have no idea who Rob and Stella's secret employer is or could be. My first guess would be Giovanni or something cliched like that, but I have a feeling that it could be someone else I'm not expecting, maybe even a new character entirely. It could be anyone really. I suppose I'll have to find out later. And yes, you may use the provided examples of dialogue I suggested in your story. Try to use them as examples to follow while revising the rest of the narrative.
It's very fast-paced and exposition-y, but it sets up the story nicely.