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I'm interested in where this is going, but...
It seems like a big crux that Twilight was rude to Blueblood for the majority of the two hours and wasted his time, and you haven't really explicitly said why...
She had wasted two hours doing what? It looks like not discussing things with him, since later you said she hardly said anything. If he was ranting at her, then it would be his fault...
What were the two hours spent doing?
was this a one shot or several chapter short
this is a great idea, but there's no explanation. Why is Twilight with Blueblood for two hours not talking to him? I mean initially I thought she was kept waiting for two hours but that doesn't seem to be the case.
And what's with Celestia insisting on first name basis but also chiding her for not knocking. Plus her trickster mento thing didn't work to well int hat situation
Another strange piece is
So Twilight took 2 hours of Blueblood's time, but got the idea to ask for his approval only 1.5 hours ago.
I imagine the situation in this way: Twilight noted that Sweetie Belle is not up to standarts, she found out that unicorn colts and fillies everywhere don't have good magic education, she created a proposal with solid numbers, then she somewhy went to Blueblood - actually, she must have gone to him without notice, as he could not incorporate a place in his schedule and had to delay some meetings, and then - I guess she was talking about it like "I'm a princess of Friendship and Magic and I cannot stand this so this is my idea" and ranted like that for two hours straight, without listening what he has to say. Maybe she even drew the proposition during this time. The question standing is why Twilight went to him at all, not to, say, Celestia.
And overall, I like the idea. This even looks like a friendship lesson: a) Everything has another side. If you think somebody behaves bad, maybe he has a sound reason for doing that, and b) Even if you don't like somebody, you still might need to work with him, and maybe try to improve relations with him for that.
So, it's like Blueblood might be not a friend-for-all character, but he's a professional, and he's not a bad person, just having a different view on the world. Like "I don't like him, but he's right in it".
Blueblood seems like the hard-hearted judging type. Good story. Please, go on.
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Several chapters. For a quick prediction (based on what I've already been writing for this chapter and the next two) maybe 20,000-30,000 words, but likely on the lower end of that.
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To address what went on in the two hours, and why Twilight was with him for two hours...
Yeah, I completely left that out and failed to notice. I dance around the topic without really saying what or why. I am going to spoiler tag it just because I'll be writing up a quick update (and doing some corrections), and you may rather read it instead.
Twilight came to Celestia to ask for help with writing a bill for education reform. Rather than help her directly, Celestia asked Blueblood to help Twilight with her bill, thinking it would be better experience for Twilight. He set aside two hours for her, altering his schedule to fit the meeting with the usual pardons to the dignitaries.
They meet, however Twilight is quickly is put off by his rather abrasive character (among other things), and very very quickly moves from looking for his input, to not wanting anything of it and working on it alone. It leaves him with nothing to do for that time, save some odds and ends of paperwork. What the story starts out on is at the end of the two hours, just prior to which she asked his opinion on her finished proposal.
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With regards to Celestia's comment about knocking, it was more of a deflection of sorts to make Twilight take a step back and calm down. Trying to reason with someone who is very outraged rather than just angry or irritated is often a losing proposition. Besides, knocking is polite compared to slamming open doors.
It's no wonder Twilight is upset. Look at how often ponies interrupt and talk over her: Literally every other character interrupted her, including the butler. Blueblood being a douche on top of things probably didn't help.
The delay of this chapter was due to a lot of things. Partly university midterms and projects, but also due to reworking this chapter a bit from its initial state. It kept getting longer and longer, and if I wanted to cut it at a reasonable length, it would have ended a bit disjointed (nevermind it seemed to ramble on). Part of me isn't entirely happy leaving at this point, because the interpretation people may have of it may come across wrong until later chapters. But, it's easy to keep going back an editing and at a point it has to stand on its own, so...
7703618 Its all cool man!! It was a good spot to end off at. And I look forward to reading the next chapter that comes out!!!
I think it's an interesting story so far I pose to see more soon.
Lookin forward to more!!
This adds an interesting dimension to Blueblood's potential disdain for the programs that Twilight might have proposed. (Although I could see it being subverted.)
Also I am happily surprised at a discussion about Spike's future and place within Twilight's family.
If the entrance exam is based on putting out incredibly high levels of magical power, how in the world did Sunburst get in?
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Writing that little bit made me sort of think of my head canon of Spike's upbringing. I'm thinking of doing a little short story in the future expanding this a little more.
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I held off about explaining a little more about the test in the interest of brevity.
/headcanonactivate
I sort of viewed the test as a way to see how much raw power a colt or filly can muster. The most fundamental magic they can use is holding a field around an object, followed by simple spells like light or telekinesis. To be able to hold a strong field (even if no spell is being cast) around an object that majorly rejects magic and actively breaks down spells is considered the sign of a promising student. The adjudicators might also accept a weaker field at their discretion. Being able to cast a spell, even with a very minor effect like barely nudging the egg would nearly guaranteed.
As spells move away from from the basic, they do so through different procedures and casting methods. Each of these steps lessens the efficiency and increases the difficulty in a manner of speaking. So while Sunburst may have formed a field or nudged it through basic telekinesis, Twilight was trying to hatch it. In the show Sunburst seems to have managed a lot more than Twilight (before she got her mark), stopping a falling tower of books among other things, while Twilight is shown to work at turning the page. Offscreen, IDK, though I would assume she improved a fair bit beyond that point. Being fairly complex, there was no way her initial spell would work. With her theoretical knowledge, rather than start looking at simpler spells to try and get their magic to hold like most foals would (eventually working down to just trying holding a field rather than hatch the egg) Twilight was refining her casting. She never deviated from the goal of trying to hatch the egg and just modified or adjusted parts of casting on the fly. Technically, what she was doing was very advanced, but too much was being lost to the casting process and the properties of the egg to it have any visible effect.
Then the rainboom happened.
/headcanonoff
Great to see another chapter of this interesting story, I always love BlueSparkle shipping and especially with BB being antagonistic with her at first. I wonder if we will see more of the kirin ponies in this story. For the guardspony that stole something of the crown, just I can't remember his because it's been so long. I will be looking forward to seeing more of this again.
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In chapter 3.
“Yes, a bat pony by the name of Thistle Down. Do you know him?” (Luna)
She (Twilight) nodded. “Assuming it’s him, I’d consider him an old acquaintance. We first met at the playground when I was a foal: before I was Celestia’s student. Me being myself back then, I was there reading, or at least until I was until he stole my book away from me so I would play with him and his friends.” That day had ended with Twilight begrudgingly admitting she had had fun.
if you want me to edit your story send me a pm
do you remember if you knocked?
I really like the pace and conversations her. You're balancing the ponies and politics nicely, keeping the intereste and not overwhelming readers. I also really enjoyed your take on Luna and Celestias relationship.
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Thanks, it really means a lot to hear that. It is something I agonize over: trying to get the pace right.
Great to see an other chapter of this good story again, I was really missing it. I am sorry to hear that you got one of your fingers, I hope the recovery is going rather well at least. Being an artist myself I know how annoying having your hand in pain while doing what you love in life. Looks like Twilight read got had this time around and it is interesting to see how they have managed to pick off where they left sense their foalhood and it's going well so well between them. I wonder what Blueblood is up to at the moment, I though he was going to take a more center stage role in the story but I guess you are going with the slow burn on the buildup of the story. Still it is a nice slice of life story so far. I wish you good recovery to you.
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Thanks.
I'll be swinging back towards Blueblood in the coming chapters. There's sort of two sides to this story, one being Blueblood, and the other Twilight's interactions with respect to the education reform and her development as a Princess. This chapter swung a bit away from either I'm sad to say (I dislike resorting to what could be seen somewhat as filler), but I felt it was a little necessary to line things up for coming chapters if I didn't want to make it too abrupt and convenient. I'm sure the two months between chapters didn't help my pacing either. Everything is pretty well in place now, though, and the main aspects of the story (especially Blueblood and Twilight's interaction) are going to significantly ramp up from here.
Quick note: When characters address one another by name, writing conventions put a comma before the name to avoid misunderstandings on part of the readers. For Example:
means something quite different to
Hoh. I see you already fixed the issue I pointed out last chapter for the latter ones. Disregard it then for every chapter after this one, including the chapter itself.
Actually, you might have a shorter life in politics if you keep antagonising Equestria's most popular princess like she's not worth the dirt under your hoof. You belittle her and talk over her, and you only get away with it because she's so nice.
I'm not saying she's going to do something—again, too nice—but if this is any indication how you negotiate, you are probably burning too many bridges to be effective for long.
Interesting to see that Twilight generally horribly boring reform proposal being suddenly into the news media. If anything, I think it was Bleublood how leaked it to the media to get a leg up on her,
If it's not even taught at high levels that "there is a general equation, you just don't use it because it's too difficult for daily use" then there is, in fact, need of reform, because while those equations wouldn't help most unicorns, that is an essential equation for unicorns deriving new spells and theorems.
The fact that Twilight had to learn this by following suspicions and looking in a book, and she is the kind of pony who would have learned that sort of thing, indicates it probably needs to be reformed. At least in how they present it.
Anyway, stolen manuscripts are pretty bad, especially since Blueblood found exception himself in it. I agree, though. Blueblood needs to hold that press conference. The reporters will probably come there looking for controversy, and Twilight would be rather hapless.
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There was a real struggle for me to stay succinct in that part of the chapter, simply due to the length and complexities of the topic matter. The idea for it though, an equation being taught in a simplified manner versus a general form, came about in one of the classes I was taking last semester: Thermodynamics 3. Take a fluid moving through a pipe. Heat can be generated simply due to friction ) in the fluid and with the fluid and the walls of the pipe (viscosity and velocity primarily along with other factors). In many cases, the heat generated from this is minuscule by comparison to other factors, and might not even affect the final answer by a tenth of a percent. Even for higher level calculations and computational fluid dynamic simulations, it can be often considered negligible.
With my idea of how the magic would work (and often does in fiction) the spell and theory behind the spell has to be understood in order to be cast. Compare that to the knowledge needed to design a car, versus operate one. Therefore, I don't believe it would be unreasonable for the magic education system to have gradually favored teaching simplified forms over general forms. From there any amount of stagnation could have resulted into more advanced teachings not being dropped, but needed to be sought out.
The idea of magic is something that the caster needs to understand how the spell works, rather than the same level of understanding only needed to construct it (such as designing a car versus operating it)
I wonder what went down at the Gala for Blueblood to have been so different from how he's presented here.
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Yeah, physical modeling is a good metaphor where a simpler model will do most of the time, but occasionally it will not.
And, well, an overwhelming amount of models are like this. To be bold, all models are simplified for human use in this way.
And, well, I can understand how magical education would trend to simplifying it, but it does need a little star saying "there is a more complex and general form that is harder to use." I suppose it's not like we teach people here in this world that very broadly, though.
I don't buy it
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Neither do I, to be honest. I mean, it was clear that's what it's building up to, but it's so tiring to have Twilight pushed around, belittled, then pushed around more, then attacked by a guard, and generally be wrong about everything and all in the universe so the ponies being jerks to her are justified in the end.
Worse, now she'll probably have to crawl to everyone for forgiveness, from Blueblood to Spanner to Celestia and the way things are going, even the guard who punched her in the face, because evidently it's okay as long as it happens to Twilight Sparkle, judging from the reaction of the other guards. The one time she stands up for herself, of course it had to backfire. Twilight can't have anything in this story.
I normally like Blueblood as a character, but it's difficult here. He's got little from the foppish prince we've seen at the Gala. He's an *sshole, but every time he gets even the slightest pushback, it's like the story comes down with a raised finger going "Tut, tut!" and slaps Twilight for good measure, who can do whatever she wants, it'll always be wrongbad in the end.
If I were Princess Twilight, I'd just say screw it all and let them do politics. It's not like they even tell her anything, as this chapter showed. They treat her like she's stupid, but she's wrong for being angry about it. No thank you, take and leave it, I'd be done with this crap. Let Blueblood do it, and let him keep the guards who are so happy to assault girls after that long speech about how one shouldn't do that.
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As a side note, Onyx Chalice, the pony who struck her made an appearance in the first chapter (granted it was a long time ago as I've lagged behind in finish this story). He's not a guard, but a butler, a very senior one with a history with Twilight.
That aside, I'm glad you're feeling like that. Blueblood is not meant to be likeable in his portrayal (more specifically what has been written so far), but there is more to the story. Not to spoil anything, but it would be a poor story if it ended being nothing more than pushing around Twilight without giving her a chance to push pack (and accomplishing it). I knew this would be somewhat of a controversial chapter, but I ask that you bear with me a little longer.
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I want to. It's so deep a hole things have fallen into, though, that I honestly don't see how things can be resolved in a satisfying way. The deck is stacked against Twilight too much, and she gets treated with contempt by almost everyone around her. The reveal that her work is basically worthless was just another kick in the teeth for a character who had her teeth kicked in pretty much since the beginning.
And it's not just Blueblood who isn't likeable. Onyx and those cowards calling themselves guards can all jump off a bridge. Onyx apparently demands Twilight be a mind-reader, because as always, Blueblood told her jack of what he was planning on doing, but nobody thinks it's up to him to clear things up, it's all up to Twilight to guess his intentions (of course she guesses wrong; Twilight here can't do anything right). Anyway, when she's justifiably outraged she gets assaulted over it.
Every single one of those ponies deserves to lose their jobs immediately, and if Blueblood's words aren't just meant to be worth crap, Onyx should be arrested. He expects better of her? Screw that, screw him, and screw those useless excuses for royal guards. They fail at the one thing they're supposed to do, which is protecting the princesses.
So... yeah, I'll read on.
On the one hoof,
On the other hoof, punching a friend in the face is the fastest way to lose a friend… derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/9/19/982793.png
(And, it should be obvious, but using physical violence as the very first resort to get someone's attention who quite obviously has no clue what you're upset about is not OK. And the level of disrespect shown here — to one of Equestria's greatest heroes, to one of its highest rulers — is truly remarkable, and despicable.)
I see some criticism here, but as an author, let me note that I think a lot of it is predicated on what is a typical narrative structure, intrinsic to most normal storytelling. This particular chapter is that "low point" that we encounter in most stories and media, you all know the one, where the hero or heroine has a moment of doubt or makes a mistake near the climax? This is the low or false climax, prior to realization and then catharsis.
I don't mind it myself, but I can't say I'd bite an author's head off for basically writing a story like a story is technically supposed to be written following genre conventions that are as old as the Greeks.
And this story has merits and fascinating bits to it, which is why I'm here and commenting. I like the worldbuilding and attention to detail here. I like the attempts to explore a difficult and often flanderized topic and scenario (bureaucracy, politics, legislating). I can honestly count on my hand the number of fics I've seen try and tackle these things with any detail, rather than use them as an oblique reference.
Much of the dissenting issues, I think, can be solved (if you want) in two ways and with minimal disruption.
A. Remove the rebuke from a guard bit
B. Have Twilight, either before or after telling off Blueblood, just find a stack of papers herself rather than be given one.
B1. If the former, above, you may say it rushes through the "low" of the story, but that's a subversion people also enjoy. It is generally enough that Twilight doubts, then Twilight learns. It doesn't have to be drawn out. You can also insert tension in other ways, for example, by having Blueblood just storm off rather than talk to her at all after the conference.
B2. If the latter, it has a benefit of Twilight essentially being responsible for her own realization rather than another driving it home. She sees her own mistake, and we assume, moves to correct it. This is empowering for a character, generally. You would likely have to tweak the conversations, though.
Write on, Ogo. You got a thumbs up from me, at least.
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Writing (or attempting to write) something a little different is a big part of the reason I took up writing this story. Over the years I found myself gravitating away from ideas with more physical conflict and more towards personal conflict from differing ideals and personalities. Of course one often follows the other as a cause or an additional result, but I wanted to try something else. I'm happy you think I'm doing good world-building as well, as its something I've tried to include. Although I suspect trying to give every character a story even if less about it is written about it is something which may be stymieing me a smidge.
I'm assuming you mean Oynx Chalice, the butler? I'll admit the bit about the guards departing which didn't really serve much purpose in hindsight (and recently removed). The part about giving every character a story is what might be giving a bit of difficulty here; he has his own causes and reasons for doing so even if they are somewhat hidden. With primarily a third person POV on Twilight through the story, the suddenness of it I struggled to handle.
This is what I've been more thinking and toying with in drafts of the recent edits (on google drive) since I've picked back up writing. Chapter 10 is almost entirely completed right now barring chapter 9 connections, and its mostly me just fiddling with this chapter to work in this "low point" better. Another difficulty is probably where I chose to cut this chapter off. A part of what you've mentioned in B2 (sinking in) is touched upon in chapter 10 which takes place almost immediately after this one.
Nothing will ever be perfect.
This chapter was in a mostly completed state two weeks after the release of the previous one on the 31st Jul 2018. It really should have been ready to be released four weeks after the previous ones, but then came the matter of trying to continually improve which turned into excuses. Excuses after excuses after excuses. Concerns over small things which really should have remained small things, being "tired" after my new job where I spent time writing reports and performing testing, wasting time on games with no substance, and on and on for something that I genuinely enjoy doing. The whole "days turned into weeks, weeks into months" feels cliche, but looking back now it feels fitting.
Seriously, my edit history for this chapter is hilarious. I’ve made changes to things to improve them, and many subsequent changes, only to find during a number of times writing it I revisited the same identical, word-for-word, comma for comma idea. And I don’t mean “a number of times writing” as in different spots, I mean the same spot I’ve made and altered the same thing over and over again. It took an out of the blue comment for me to finally take a step back, read my story from cover to cover, having spent so much time (a year) away from it to realize two things:
*Chapter 9 needed changes, much to the same tune as those I first made in Chapter 1 shortly after releasing it, though far more substantial.
*Editing chapter 10 had become looking for and finding ghosts where they don’t actually exists.
There are still things I’m not 100% by any stretch, but I am simply not a good enough writer currently to get it to where I (currently) think it needs to be. Naturally, even if I was a better writer I’d probably find something else to pick apart and get hung up. So, with this out of the way, I plan to have the next chapter finished being written in two weeks (its largely done but I need to redo several large components with the changes to chapter 9), with a third week to edit and publish. After that, one more chapter remains.
Next time: the second part of the Blueblood “reveal”.
Before I read this, I must know: Why would Blueblood want to keep Twilight from passing an education reform to aid foals with the study of magic?
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It's less about the idea of a reform itself for while he's trying to stop it, but more of the politics associated with the first significant government proposal of Twilight being flawed in a critical aspect while maintaining his own political position.
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Twilight is an alicorn now, but she's been born a unicorn and thinks like one. so, when she thinks of magic education she thinks unicorn foal magic education first, and even when confronted with the topic of other races and sub-races of the kingdom, she still uses that as a baseline. And that turns out to be a problem.
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Is the story discontinued?
11354652
Been a tough couple years for me and sorting some stuff out with my writing. Its not cancelled and at the very least I'd post the next three chapters I have written out with a quick ending.