• Member Since 13th May, 2016
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

TheOneWithoutAName


Towan for short

Comments ( 71 )
Comment posted by King_Platypus69 deleted Sep 30th, 2016

Its a really great story idea and story but you might need a proofreader just to get all the little mistakes but other than that its a great story and i hope you keep writing also the name is perfect couldnt of made it any better

Good story! Will there be a sequel?

Shining of course instantly panicked. No amount of drilling could a soldier prepare for this after all.

This was a funny paragraph.

Can we please get another chapter or story? This was great.

i agree we do need a Flurry Heart tag. and an ember tag as well

Do you have the link of original picture?

A year and 3 weeks of grounding! Wow, seems like there could be more chapters where she could be "disciplined".

It's just like how my ex would describe it: "Too many promises to fulfill and too short to enjoy".

7609027 Nah, that would be even remotely original. Can't have that!

Luz

that cover art though :v

Who did the cover art? Btw nice story bro.

After reading through that I have one main thought.

How the hell is Shining going to explain this when Cadence eventually catches him? Or if Cadence will castrate him if Flurry gets knocked up?

7610332 are you kidding me click " more " it says the artists

WHERE'S Cadance during all of this? Does she ever find out?

7607706

It is currently being edited, so someone is working on that! Also glad you liked the story and the title! :yay:

7607885
7608405

I was honestly thinking about it, but have others stories who need sequels too, so that a sequel might take its time.

7608232

Woah good, or woah bad? :rainbowhuh:

7608694

Exactly! Makes me also wonder if we have already a Starlight tag, since she is one of the maincasts now! Anyway, we really need a lot of new tags for a lot of new characters! Also some groups could also open some folders for her! I don't know which group any more, but under Princesses Flurry Heart is always missing! At least I haven't seen a folder for Flurry in the sections of such groups yet! :raritydespair

7609027

Yup! A lot of naughty playtime there! :rainbowkiss:

I was only unsure about the ending. I was tempting to write that she would be a bad girl to be disciplined but went with the good girl route. Not sure if that was the right way to go about this. :rainbowhuh:

7609328

I assume that this was negative critique. I personally didn't quite understand it. Could you elaborate? :rainbowhuh:


7610769
7611261

Time for some behind the scenes! :yay:

It was originally planned to mention Cadance peeking behind the door at the ending. I didn't use it, because it might sound too cliché. But to be honest, I'm not so sure about it anymore.

Anyway, I could imagine Cadance either:

1. Spies on them in secret while masturbating to the secret and taboo pleasures of her husband and daughter, until she has either the courage to join or will get found out.
2. She accidentally walks in on them and to the panicking Shining's surprise joins in on the fun.

In any case I imagine Cadance growing a Futalength so that they can 'discipline' Flurry together. Besides, it would make for some great bonding time, considering they have in this story familial problems.

7611436

*no futa flurry*

0/10!! WORST FIC EVER!! :raritycry::raritycry::raritydespair::raritycry:

7611434 What I meant was that you have a great premise for a story, but you wasted it on a short quick fuckfic that could have been a great emotional story with a much larger payoff. Now Shining Armor's change felt way too sudden, his actions more akin to a brainwashed rape victim than an actual lover. I wouldn't be surprised if there was even Cadance-style love magic involved, making the situation even more disgusting. I have nothing against two consenting adults (family or not) doing what they want together, but there were so many different rapey overtones in the fic that it mostly felt me feeling disgusted. You could have written more about it, have Shining Armor have time to go through with his emotions during the first three weeks of Flurry being grounded, maybe approach things more maturely than the horny 13-year old he seemed to be in the fic, and most of all, find a more consensual middle ground than the disgustingly cliche double whammy of "rape always turns to love" and "rape is totally okay if it's female on male". Heck, just making Shining Armor walk out, then return some time later to actually give that spanking to Flurry and then things turning to lust would have been better, even if just slightly.

7611529

Well, I didn't mention it along the fetish list in the description, so technically you shouldn't have been surprised. I also don't think that Flurry always should be futa. Or at least I know more Flurry futa fics than others, not that I know many to begin with though.

In any case there wasn't even a proper place for a futa Flurry, alone when it comes to the characters. I mean, where should her dick end up in? Consider hereby that I'm straight and Shining getting a dicking is not something I would write.

7611613

You are making some rather interesting points, and I thank you for sharing them with me. Truth be told I'm just now trying to get more into dialogue writing and have no idea how to write an emotional story with such a large payoff yet. If you have seen my work you probably noticed that I get to the sex scenes rather fast, showing that such a large conversation like here was rather new for me. But I honestly would like to try a fic with a mentioned payoff sometime in the future. I just have to get the right idea for it.

As for the rapey parts. I marked this story as 'Dubious Consent', so at least people were warned about this issue in the story. The whole unsure consent issue is not for everyone, and I might not have pulled it off perfectly, seeing as I was puzzling around with dialogue I wanted to use in this story, so I guess I need to work on that too. :twilightsheepish:

7611694 It's far from easy to write clop that isn't just mechanical thumping, so you're on a very good track. Just remember that food tastes better when you're hungry, and sex is better when you're horny. Foreplay, mood, setup, emotions are 90% of good sex. You can make all the fantastic descriptions of slippery squishy splashy noises and lewd smells but after you've read a few sex scenes, you've pretty much read them all.

Dubious consent is fine, rape is fine, but Shining Armor's change of attitude from HELL NO YOU'RE GROUNDED to "tittyfuck me plz oh daughter of mine" in some 500 words was sudden to say the least. :twilightsheepish:

Also, not trying to push my fics, but if you want to check some of my more cloppery stuff, I'd be happy to talk with you about them, or feel free to PM me if you like.

7611434 It was good. Somethings were a little too cliché but good nonetheless

This story has 6969 words. Hue.

Why are people on this site so obsessed with incest?

Basically what was going on in shining's mind right before the sex:

[youtube=fvhqUwokTUs]

7611434

So it's all good in the Cadenza household. Good. I was a bit worried.

7611066 oh my fucking...I feel like an idiot...

7613134 don't worry I'm kinda derpy too

7612746 we all have our likes and dislikes m'kay if ya came here to bitch about why they like this kind of stuff get out,i hope you slam your BALLS on the way out m'kay. :ajbemused:

Oh god damnit I just realized that the word count is 6969 I see what you did there...

So naughty

7613211 derpy actions brofist?

7613274 Derpy Action Brofist
/) /)/)/)/)/)/)/)/)

I want every body in comments to spam this…

Hope you have fun ThouWithoutThouName :D

Edit: why does this comment have 2 dislikes ;-;

Re-Edit: "ACH... It hurts so muuu-"

THUD!

"Why does thou hate us so much"
WASTED

7612370
7613227

Funny thing is that this was an accident and just happened to be that word count after editing. I only noticed it because you two mentioned it! :rainbowlaugh:

Well, let's call it fate. Or maybe if god exists he has an interesting humor?

7613134

Don't feel bad. You are not the first who asked such a question, so it is no problem. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed my work! :yay:

7612746

It's a taboo, and taboo's tend to be more exciting. Try to forbid alcohol for example, but this only makes it attractive to people. At least that is my theory. The forbidden just gives sexual acts an additional thrill. And the spanking in this fic only makes it kinkier in my opinion. :ajsmug:

7613989 hmm but anyways G8 story 10 outs 10 I totally did NOT Drink Clorox bleach after I read this

Also I can request stories? SWEET! OK so here's the story i want you to make next...

I want you to ponify The shrek is love, shrek is life it can be like celastia ( or any pony) is shrek or celastia ( can be any characters of your choice ) is the little boy who worships shrek ( or other pony)

7612870 i didnt even read the story but thanks for the summary

7613989 It was great I loved every second of it.

Don't tell my mother.:twilightblush:

Some times I have to take a step back and think to myself, "What did I just read?"

I ask that because my mind is telling me no. But my body, my body is telling me yes.

That was pretty cliché.

...But they're good clichés, so it's alright.

7613989 You can not compare having sex with your farther to prohibition.

7615804 Probably one of the weirdest out of context statements ever.

7615804 That is my favorite line ever

It really bothers me that a story with an egregious error in the synopsis is featured on this site. It's like spelling and grammar don't even matter anymore.

7616829 Then point it out and help them fix it. Complaining won't do anything, and it's not like the story itself is riddled with an obscene amount of errors.

7617361
Eh, true I suppose. I was really tired yesterday. Thanks for the reply.


That said, the story actually is riddled with errors. Not obscene, but more than should appear in a story that's been proofread.

Her father now understandibly wants to have a serious talk with her.

Understandably is misspelled, and the sentence containing it is written in present tense. This would be fine if the rest of the synopsis were written in past perfect tense, but it's not. It's written in simple past tense, which doesn't allow mixing with present tense.

Heading into the story, there's a big spoilery author's note at the top, so either the author enjoys ruin their story for the reader, or still hasn't bothered to check how the formatting turned out after nearly a week of their story being in the feature box. And even if it was intentional, the blasted thing is so bloody long I got bored just trying to scroll past it. Not a big turn on toward the story.
Now to the actual story and its many errors.

Shining Armor sighed, as he walked along the crystal halls of the castle.

Why in blazes would you put a comma there? There's no call for a dramatic pause, and there's only one clause in the sentence and no purpose for splitting it in half.

The loud clopping of his heavy hooves could be heard as he stomped along the floor and towards his daughter’s chamber as only the moonlight seemed to illuminate his way.

First of all, loud clopping (as opposed to regular volume clopping) already indicates he's walking loudly, so there's no need to mention that he's stomping. Doing so actually makes the sentence redundant, overly wordy, and distracting. But if that wasn't bad enough, there's a completely irrelevant, second sentence added on, and it's not even a participle. No comma, no em dash, nothing. It's just there, and it doesn't belong there.

And then the author places a return at the end of every sentence. Have you even heard of paragraphs? This author clearly cared very little about this story, and probably just released the first draft of what they'd written hoping it would get lucky, which clearly worked and that's what bothers me the most about it.

7615804

I hadn't a better example at hand at the moment, so there's that. I honestly also can't think of something that would fit better. My statement merely is that taboo equals excitement in a sense. And excitement when it comes to clop is a rather big magnet. Or that's how I see it. :twilightsheepish:

7618037

Understandably is misspelled, and the sentence containing it is written in present tense. This would be fine if the rest of the synopsis were written in past perfect tense, but it's not. It's written in simple past tense, which doesn't allow mixing with present tense.

I thank you for pointing this out. It is not my mother tongue, and even though I have a good grasp of the language, I'm still having trouble in some areas. I had no idea that present tense shouldn't be mixed with simple past tense.

Heading into the story, there's a big spoilery author's note at the top, so either the author enjoys ruin their story for the reader, or still hasn't bothered to check how the formatting turned out after nearly a week of their story being in the feature box. And even if it was intentional, the blasted thing is so bloody long I got bored just trying to scroll past it. Not a big turn on toward the story.

I'm just normally writing Author's Notes at the top. I just forget here about the spoiler alarm and didn't mean it. :twilightsheepish:

Why in blazes would you put a comma there? There's no call for a dramatic pause, and there's only one clause in the sentence and no purpose for splitting it in half.

Because as is a word that binds sentences together, and where I'm from you always put a comma at such a place. Of course I'm not writing in my language meaning I should try to be more careful with it. My bad. :twilightblush:

First of all, loud clopping (as opposed to regular volume clopping) already indicates he's walking loudly, so there's no need to mention that he's stomping. Doing so actually makes the sentence redundant, overly wordy, and distracting. But if that wasn't bad enough, there's a completely irrelevant, second sentence added on, and it's not even a participle. No comma, no em dash, nothing. It's just there, and it doesn't belong there.

Why not? Well, to the second moonlight part. I actually added that later on, since I wanted to describe the surroundings more. I don't know how I could improve that. The first one I have to correct. I simply wasn't aware it would be redundant. I hereby will have to think about how to keep my 6,969 words or abandon the glorious word count in order to correct it. But that's something I will figure out over the course of the week.

And then the author places a return at the end of every sentence. Have you even heard of paragraphs? This author clearly cared very little about this story, and probably just released the first draft of what they'd written hoping it would get lucky, which clearly worked and that's what bothers me the most about it.

I don't see what you mean. Some paragraphs are longer and some shorter. I mean, to use return is common, isn't it? I don't see the difference from this and my other stories, so I'm confused right now. :rainbowhuh:

Also the way you say it, it sounds like I had some evil plans to take over fimfiction...even though that would be awesome! :rainbowkiss: But to get back to being serious, this story was just a request written for another. I didn't plan on it featuring even, so I was never ever hoping to get lucky. I just was doing someone a favor, which isn't something bad. There's nothing more to it. And I do care for my work. If I didn't care, I wouldn't read my chapters and stories over after finishing them to try and eliminate all of the most obvious of mistakes. Sure, I might miss some things, but I think I get the most of them, to actually make my stories enjoyable for others! :yay:

In any case I thank you for helping me out! :pinkiesmile:

7619407
Wait, you intentionally made it 6969 words? Man, kudos for that. This story still bothers me a lot simply for what it is (senseless clop, written for content over quality, aged up, anthro) but the mere fact that you managed to keep a 6969 wordcount is actually impressive. Nice job.

And I really admire your positive attitude despite my less than forgiving demeanor. If I finish up some other projects by the end of tomorrow, I'd love to go over this with you and help you iron out a few wrinkles.

7619506

The word count was actually...luck. Yup. It kind of went there after editing and users noticed it and commented on it, which made me notice it. And after discovering that lady luck seemingly loves me at the moment, or at least on fimfiction considering this story somehow got featured and has a great word count I want to keep it. :twilightsheepish:

And I'd love the help! Only problem is that my internet isn't as good as it should be at the moment. Considering when I woke up I didn't have any connection, but now have one. So I will have to see if the internet stays. We could do it sometime on the weekend though. Saturday and Sunday, if the internet doesn't cause anymore problems. :pinkiesmile:

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