"I am the Aloof Hermit, the Lord of the Empty Seat. I am the Alpha and the Omega"
While stargazing one night, Rainbow Dash spots a suspicious creature sneaking into Sweet Apple Acres. Upon pursuing it however, she comes across a familiar face... who seems to regressed to her little batpony phase...
My entry for the third FlutterDash group contest.
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Way, way too much 'cyan pegasus'. You call her that three times before actually giving us her name. Just call her Rainbow Dash, otherwise how are we to know who you're talking about?
Other than that, a cute lil story!
cute story thoe an explanation of what happened would be nice
Just to let you know, this is is below the limit for word count to enter the contest
Some comments:
* I see you're submitting to the latest FD contest, just so you know minimum word count for that is 1750, you're currently at 1648. (I know this rule because I was working on my own contest submission.)
* In general, the story is OK, but not great. It's flat. There's a lot more 'telling' than showing. Here's a small example:
What exactly is she seeing? How is the sneaking happening? Flying? Crawling? Running? Going from shadow to shadow? Directly aiming for a barn? What? Expand things. We don't need every minor detail, but this needs just a pinch of salt to bring out the flavor. (And I think you can easily extend it out to both meet the 1750 count and to increase the enjoyment of the story.)
* Another good example of where to add some description is during the chase scene. It's a chase scene, give us some action! We don't need a 45-minute pegasi chase, but one paragraph of,
is kinda... dull.
* "at least twenty percent more effort" -- eh, that joke is worn and tired. I can't say don't use it if you really want it, but for me, it's more annoying. Personally, I'd just go with, "I know I was putting in more effort"
Overall, I was happy with the story: the plot is solid and the core execution is well built, but I think it just needs some polish to really shine.
Good Luck.
7611583
I added a little extra content in certain places. Hope that helps! 
7611615
Thank you both for the advice,
Either great minds think alike, or monkey see, monkey do, cause my entry in the FlutterDash contest also deals with Fluttershy still as a batpony. Of course, like has been said, your entry is a few words short of the minimum necessary. That said, I did enjoy the jokes you made. Your story was definitely bigger on comedy than mine was.
7611615
Uh, I wrote a story with a similar premise. Have you seen it yet?
two
off
I like the additions you made. Definitely helps things a lot.
7611658 Fixed, thanks again!
7611660
I figure if I can't get past my own writer's block for this challenge, I might as well help somepony else.
TEM??
Waaaaaiit you mean ten
Shipshipshipshipship
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipp
I wrote a review of this story in Read It Now #93.
My review can be found here.
got off of her friend
7698096
Only in American English. Other countries don't use the extra "of".
Cute little story. I wouldn't mind seeing a continuation of it.
Cute story
Maybe a sequel?
never expect flutters to read manga!
8280630
Neither did I.
That was a good story.