Chapter 18: Round One!
Chapter 18
Round One!
On the porch, the old mare looked at the faces of her young audience. Each one of the foals had their eyes popped wide open and their tiny hooves were slightly trembling.
"That shaking. It's not Rex, is it?" the unicorn filly asked.
The old mare didn't answer immediately. It was true that even though Theronicus Rex was not prominent in the story as of yet, he was still a frightening villain for the foals. He had already murdered a king, threatened to take the crown, foalnapped ponies to force them into the fight, destroyed the bodies and spirits of anypony who challenged him, and was on his way to becoming the king.
"Maybe we should take a break from the story," the old mare said.
"What?" her grandson asked. "But, they just found Rainbow Dash! And then they get ready to fight in a 'hassle-tude' to save the kingdom! You can't stop now!"
"Yeah! It's like the story just got started, and now you want to stop!" the pegasus filly added.
"Come on, grandma! What about where the Goof Knight defeats Rex with a feather duster and becomes the king of Trottingham? You haven't even gotten close to that part yet!" the earth pony colt said.
The old mare sighed when she heard her grandson speak. He loved the stories he read about the Goof Knight so much, and didn't know if she had the heart to tell him the reality of the ending. But, the eagerness of the foals convinced her to finish the story. And if she was going to finish the story, her grandson was going to learn the truth sooner or later. It may as well have been now that he knew how the Goof Knight in the Kingdom of Champions ended.
"That's another major detail that the stories got wrong about the Goof Knight. You see..." The old mare paused, seeing the eager look in her grandson's face, and knowing he would be crushed by what he was about to hear. "The Goof Knight never became the king of Trottingham."
"What!?" the foals all said at once.
"You mean, Rex won!?" the pegasus filly said.
"But, he's the bad guy! He's not supposed to win!" the unicorn filly said next.
"He couldn't have beat the Goof Knight! The Goof Knight fought enemies a hundred times stronger than him! There's just no way!" the earth pony colt finished.
"He did. To put it bluntly, the Goof Knight had his clock cleaned by Theronicus Rex," his grandmother confirmed.
"No! He couldn't have lost! You said that he beat Rex!"
"Now, stop that sniffling, colt!" his grandmother admonished when she saw tears welling up in the colt's eyes. "I said that he fought Rex with a feather duster, and he was defeated with relative ease. The Goof Knight was defeated, but that didn't mean that he lost. Rex got exactly what he had coming to him. And if you quit that blubbering, I'll tell you how."
The foals all sat perfectly still before the old mare. They had never known her to be stern or forceful before since they had known her. They desperately wanted to know how the story ended. Steeling their nerves, the foals steadied themselves and sat quietly for what was next.
The old mare smiled at the sight of such stalwart young foals. She cleared her throat, and continued the story.
The wall rumbled loudly, and the ponies in the lounge all took cover. Most of them hid under a cot or a bench. Some even tried to duck into a corner and hoped they wouldn't be seen.
Goofy still had his head stuck in a bucket, and was pulled by Dash and Pinkie underneath a bench with them.
"Come on, Goof! Fit!" Dash said, as it turned out that Goofy's legs were too long to fit beneath the bench.
Her mouth was covered by a neighboring hoof. Glancing over, Dash saw the hoof belonged to an earth pony mare with a cinnamon-colored coat and a red mane.
"Quiet! He might hear you!" the mare fearfully whispered.
The wall cracked open, shaking debris loose from the ceiling. Once it was open enough, two enormous hooves reached through and clasped onto the inside. Once they gripped the walls, the entire wall itself was pushed to either side, revealing Theronicus Rex standing there. Briefly, the draft horse huffed and shook any debris from his mane before he scanned the room. Everywhere, he saw ponies trying to hide themselves in the most obvious places. His eyes lingered on the ponies who tried to hide in the corners, making them all push into the wall as if they were trying to pass through it.
"That's just pathetic," Rex muttered. "Should've picked a hardier crop. I'm starting to wish I tried conquering the Dragonlands."
He walked into the room on two legs, rearing himself to nearly nine feet tall. He analyzed the new meat for the Hastlitude. Then, he caught sight of something quite unusual. A pair of long, gangly, non-equine legs was sticking you from underneath a bench, their knees shaking with fear.
"Hm...One of these things is not like the others," Rex said, before tromping toward Goofy.
He stopped right in front of the goof’s legs, towering over him.
"D'yuh think he saw us?" Goofy whispered to his friends. "WHOA-OW!!"
Goofy shouted as he was pulled out from under the bench by his ankles. Slowly, he lifted the loosened bucket from his head, and was greeted by the sight of Rex glaring intensely at him. A shiver went down his spine as he slowly pulled the bucket back over his eyes.
Much as the goof hoped Rex would leave him alone after that, he was instead lifted off the ground by the bucket on his head. His head slid out of the bucket, and his chin caught on the handle, suspending him in midair as he was forced to lock eyes with the champ.
"Look at this. The dogs have come home for a beating," Rex scoffed. He looked at the clothes Goofy was wearing, and scowled. "What are you supposed to be? Some kind of half-flanked knight's stand-in?"
"Uh..." Was all Goofy had time to say, before Rex shook him.
"I'm telling you, they're not making knights like they used to," Rex said, as he shook Goofy. "I remember a time when a knight was something people feared and respected. The kind of a guy that made mares glad they were mares and made stallions wish they were mares instead. But you: you look more like something that congealed in the dirt where I beat the ever-loving blood and sweat out of one of these boned fish."
Goofy looked to where Rex was indicating, and saw the battered pony hiding under his cot.
"Uh, that ain't a fish. It's a pony," the goof answered.
"I KNOW IT'S A PONY, YOU UNCUT BEEF SHANK!!" Rex yelled, before he dropped Goofy to the floor.
The bucket on Goofy's head fell back over his eyes, and he struggled to pop it off again. With one forceful push, Goofy fell over backwards and hit his head on the bench, right above where Dash and Pinkie still hid.
"I don't know why the boss ever thought you'd be any trouble. Here I was thinking I was given the highest honor of fighting his prize student. Instead, I get the class clown," Rex said.
"That's what you think, meathead!" Dash said, as she crawled out to confront the champ. "You haven't seen the kinds of crazy things he can do with a bucket on his head! I saw him take out a whole gang of weasels and not even know it!"
"Yeah! And we did it together just before we came in here!" Pinkie added. "Me and Goofy partied our way through at least a dozen of them, and still had energy to spare!"
"Party?" Dash wondered aloud.
"Well, it felt like a party," Pinkie answered.
"Nice!"
Dash high-hoofed Pinkie. It seemed like her friend was learning how to party without magic. Now, Dash herself had to learn to perform without magic. That in mind, she turned back to face Rex.
"You hear that? She pounded your goons just by having a party! Face it: the three of us are way too much for you to handle," Dash said.
Goofy reached up and clasped both his hands around Dash's mouth. If there was one thing he didn't want, it was to provoke Rex. But, it seemed he was too late.
Rex lowered himself to all fours, removed Goofy's hands from Dash's mouth, and stared Dash, Goofy and Pinkie squarely in their eyes.
Dash was always up for a challenge, but without her magic she felt that she may have been in over her head against a behemoth like Rex.
Pinkie too felt a pang of fear. Granny Pie told her to giggle at the ghostly, but Rex was no ghost or other imagined spook.
Goofy slowly shrank to the floor and shuffled back under the bench, only to be stopped by Rex's hoof on his back.
"So, you think you three goofs are too much for me to handle, eh? I think I'd like to see how," the champ said, in a low voice.
"Okay. You asked for it," Dash said, spreading her wings, but not sure what she would do, now that she was unable to use them. Instead, she just stood there sweating with her wings outstretched.
Rex responded with an amused huff and swatted Dash's wings back to her sides. "Not in here, hot shot," he said, "I want the pleasure of squashing you in front of a thousand ponies, and cleaning up the stain that's left of you with that mop on your friend's back."
Goofy sweated nervously at the mere thought. To his relief, Rex reared back to walking on two legs and headed for the wall he had ripped open.
Rex stopped in the opening to say his farewells.
"I hope you have a long, refreshing rest. Because it's going to be a quick, painful end for you."
He grabbed the walls and pulled them together, closing them up once more to one solid piece. All that remained was the crack where he broke it in two.
Slowly, the ponies in the room all came out of hiding. The danger had gone.
"Gawrsh. I don't think he liked us," Goofy said.
"Don't worry about him, Goof. I know we can take him, if you show us how to use your magic," Dash said.
"It won't work," said the cinnamon-brown mare, as she came out of her cover. "You don't know what that tyrant can do. I was one of the first ponies he foalnapped for his fight. I watched helplessly from the carriage as he went from town to town to find more of us! It didn't matter who stood up to him! He fought them all off like he was swishing flies with his tail!"
Dash was left speechless by the mare's recount of what happened. Still, she managed a bold face.
"Well, he just hasn't met anypony like us. I demolished a barn with my bare hooves once," she said. There was a spark of confidence in her mind, but it faded slightly when the other mare shook her head.
"I don't suppose you've tied a cannon in a knot and ate it like a pretzel? Or defeated three ponies at once just by flexing? How about lift an entire building by its foundation and break it over your head, then plow through the rubble like it was water to pull out anypony who was inside?" the other mare said.
"That..." Dash paused to think of a word to use. She tried to think of some word she learned in a book to convey what she felt, but only came up with one very accurate word. "That's unbelievable!"
"Yeah! Cannons are for throwing parties. Not munchies," Pinkie said.
"Believe it. Rex has done all of those things, and worse. All to find some random, unfortunate pony for his fight! I don't even know what he'd want with me! I'm a novelist, not a fighter!" the mare said, showing her cutie mark to be a quill in an ink pot, next to a blank page.
"A novelist? Wow! Dashie likes adventure novels. Do you think he brought you here to aggrandize his slaughter to--" Pinkie began, before she felt her hoof surreptitiously kicked by Dash.
Pinkie didn't know why she was stopped. She was only trying to help this pony through her hard time with her usual antics. What was so bad about that?
Goofy heard the mare's story, and felt nothing but sympathy for all of the ponies in the room. Like them, he too was far from his home in a dangerous place. Only, they were brought there to fulfill some tyrant's ambition. It was then that Goofy thought that maybe he was brought to Equestria for this reason: to help the ponies of this place defeat their cruel oppressor.
"Now, don't yuh worry 'bout ol' Rex. Dash here's right about us cleanin' his clock. I don't right know how, but I'm bettin' th' three of us could put together sumthin' that'll show him whut for. All we need is some inspuh-ration," Goofy said.
The ponies in the room focused on what the strange, dog-creature said. If inspiration was all it took, if it was that simple, then why were they still held captive.
The cinnamon-brown novelist looked at Goofy disbelievingly.
"I make a living off of make-believe. And as an expert on the subject, I can tell you that it won't do us any good in a situation like this. But, I guess you of all creatures have more reason to think so than anypony here," she said.
"Whut d'ya mean?" Goofy wondered.
"Aren't you related to the other one?"
In the halls just beyond the tiltyard, the emcee chuckled over the bits he had won from taking bets with his cohorts. He placed all the coins in his hat, and was about to walk away, when with no warning at all, the wall behind him exploded as an enormous hoof broke through and grabbed him by the neck. He was pulled right through the wall and brought face to face with the champ.
"How's it going, Sneek? Enjoying your fringe benefits?" Rex asked.
"Wh-What? This?" the weasel asked, showing the hat full of bits to the champ. "I was gonna give you a cut! I swear!"
"I don't give a dead weasel's bloated pelt about your chump change. I'm here on business. And business means me winning the crown. Understand?" Rex said, as he rattled the weasel like a maraca.
"Yes, sir!" the weasel said.
"Good!"
Rex dropped the emcee to the ground.
"Now, listen up. There're some new fighters in the ranks, and I want you and your buddies to make sure they go down fast and hard. Like a rat in a salad bar. You hear me? Do everything you can to make sure they get permanently 'disqualified.'"
"I think me an' the boys can put somethin' together," the emcee said. "Which ones do you want outta the picture?"
"You'll know them when you see them. And, if you want, feel free to make some extra scratch from their matches,” Rex said.
"Can do, boss."
"Perfect. Now, get back in that weasel hole of yours, and get ready for the next match!" Rex said, as he threw the emcee back into the room he was taken from, and placed the concrete wall back to its original place, as though it hadn't been broken at all.
The emcee left the room, and set to work rounding up his gang to prepare the arena for the oncoming suckers.
In the fighter's lounge, Goofy stared confused at what the novelist had told him.
"I don't unnerstand. Related tuh whut?" Goofy wondered.
It seemed that this dog-creature was clueless to what was happening that moment. The novelist decided to elucidate the matter.
"You mean, you don't know? There was another dog on the carriage with the rest of us that looked like you. Only, he was much younger. I thought you might have known him," she said.
Dash's eyes lit up at the description. There was only one creature that she knew who could fit that description, and she reached into Goofy's pocket to confirm her suspicion.
"Hey!" Goofy yelped.
Dash fished out the goof's wallet and opened it to reveal the picture of Goofy and Max on their fishing trip.
"Does he look like this?" Dash said.
The novelist looked at the photograph, and answered. "That's him! That's the other creature that was with us in the carriage!"
All the other ponies looked at the picture and affirmed the same. Goofy, however, was not so easily convinced.
"Naw. Couldn't be Maxie. He's visitin' his granddad back home," Goofy said. Things quickly fell into place in the goof's mind. From the weasel from before saying to leave the kid on the carriage, to what he was told in just that moment, he nearly snapped completely.
"Are you alright?" the novelist asked.
"They got my son..."
It was every parent's worst nightmare. Somehow, someway his son was abducted, taken to this unknown land, and was in the clutches of the monstrous Rex.
Quicker than anypony could comprehend, Goofy ran to the door and started frantically trying to open it. When turning the knob failed, he resorted to banging his fists on its surface.
"Lemme outta here! Lemme out! Gimme back my son!!" Goofy shouted. "OUCH!!!!"
The door was promptly thrown open and a weasel walked in.
"Alright, ya barnyard mutants! Change o' plans! That guy in traction over there is officially disqualified! The new guy's gonna take his place!" He looked behind the door, finding Goofy smashed flat against the wall. "This's gonna be easier than we thought. Then he spoke aloud. "Okay, you're the schmuck what's going to fight. Normally, you'd just go out there, but a guy like you's gonna need a mount. So, start pickin' from this bag o' candy-flanks. Then, you're gonna need a squire. And I think your mount's gonna need one too. Got it? Good."
The weasel left the room, and Dash helped Goofy off the wall. One look at him, and she could see not the pain of being smashed, but something more anguished.
"Are you okay? Say something," Dash said.
"Maxie's just a little boy...What'd they want with him...?" Goofy’s mind snapped completely when a horrible thought occurred to him. "What if they want him for their hassly-tude!? He'd be creamed by a guy like Rex!!!"
"Goofy!!" Dash said, stopping her friend from continuing. In any other situation. Under any other circumstances, she would have run out gung-ho and knocked out every weasel there without a second thought. That was before her friend's son was held hostage by the enemy. Even though it went against every fiber of her being, she had to think of a plan before taking any action. "Okay...right now, there isn't anything we can do. We're trapped in a room with no way out. What we need to do is get ready for your next match. I'll be your mount for that."
"And I'll be your squire, Dashie," Pinkie volunteered.
"See? We're both behind you on this. And when we get out there, the first thing we're going to do is find your son and get the hay outta here," Dash finished.
Of course, Dash didn't know how she and the others would pull off such a plan. One look, and she knew that neither of them knew how either. But, at least something she said seemed to get through to Goofy.
The goof stood back up from the ground and put his hand on Dash's shoulder. "Alright, Dash. I'm'-a gonna trust yuh on this, seein' how yer my pal an' all. But, sumthin's still missin'."
"What's that?" Dash wondered.
"I still need me a squire."
"Me!!" the novelist immediately volunteered. "There's no way in Tartarus I'm fighting in this charade! Just leave all of your needs to me!"
"Then, I guess we're set, "Goofy said.
He, Dash and Pinkie put their respective hand and hooves in the center between them all.
Pinkie began a cheer for the group.
"Leeeeet's--"
"--Get ready for some carnage!!!" the emcee said to the crowd from his podium.
The preparations had been set, and everything was ready for the unwanted guests. All the accommodations were made to see to it that the next contenders didn't live to see another match.
"Place your bets here! Place your bets here! Odds-on favorite to win: the stranger from far, far away! 50-1, his favor! Who wants a piece o' that?" shouted a weasel who was taking bets with his cohorts. As it always was with their lot, they were rigging the whole thing. In truth, they planned for him to lose, and cash in big on the ponies' losses.
"Alright! Sit down, an' shaddap, ya grab bag o' marshmallow rejects!" the emcee said to the crowd. "Here we go! The next match is underway! Comin' in from the white door, we got Theef Lolyfe!"
From the white doorway, there came a weasel, who was wearing a full suit of armor. His helmet, however, had an extra slot for the toothpick he was chewing.
The crowd booed emphatically at the weasel.
"Aw, put a salt lick in it!" Theef yelled at the crowd.
After him, there came two more weasels, who took their spot next to some equipment by the jousting lanes.
"And his steed, comin' here from the Happy Hooves Bakery and Confections in Yokeshire: Cream Filling!" the emcee continued.
The stallion Theef was simply a cream-colored stallion with a green mane, and a pastry as his cutie mark, who looked nervously around the tiltyard.
"And from the black door," the emcee continued, "We have us the goof on the loose! The strange creature never before seen by pony-kind! He's name is unknown, but here in the Hastlitude he's known as The Goof Knight! And his steed, comin' from right off the streets of Trottingham: Rainbow Dash!!"
From the black door on the other side of the jousting lanes, Rainbow Dash trotted in with Goofy on her back. Looking at them, nopony thought they looked anything like a viable challenge. Not with their scrappy equipment and unrefined appearance.
Behind them, Pinkie Pie and their new novelist friend took their positions by another set of equipment on their side of the lanes. However, instead of weapons, they were given a set of cleaning supplies, like the ones that Goofy currently had equipped.
"This is madness. We're all going to get pummeled! I know it!" the novelist said.
"Don't be such a worrywart, Miss Worry Worryson," Pinkie said.
"My name is Quick Quill! And I have every reason to worry!" Quill said, holding up a bar of soap for Pinkie to see. "The deck's been stacked against us! And I can promise you: that weasel isn't going to play fairly."
Dash and Goofy went to their spot in their lane and waited for the signal to begin.
"Don't just sit there, Goof. Work the crowd. Wave, or something," Dash said to her friend.
"Uh, alright," Goofy answered. He started by waving at a group of ponies in the front row, "Hiya, folks!"
"Ugh..." Dash said, dragging her hoof down her face. "Like this."
Dash was something of an expert with crowds. However, without her wings, she knew she would have to get creative. She started by jumping, only to forget that she hadn't compensated for Goofy's extra weight on her back, and fell flat onto her face.
Goofy too felt the force of the landing, and fell forward, pressing Dash's face into the dirt.
The crowd winced loudly at the blunder.
Dash picked herself up and grumbled.
"Don't worry, Dash. Yuh get used tuh fallin' eventually," Goofy assured her.
"I don't want to get used to falling. This is a joust. If we fall, we lose!" Dash answered.
Goofy knew that was no option. If they lost, the ponies of the land would be at the mercy of Rex.
"Jousters, take your mark!" the emcee said.
Dash lowered herself for a charge.
Theef was tossed a lance by his squire team.
"Before you start, there's one last minute change to the rules you should know about: this match is going to go until knockout," the emcee said.
"Knockout!?" Dash, Goofy, Pinkie, Quill and Cream Filling all said at once.
"That's right!" the emcee affirmed. "Each of you's gonna keep on chargin' until one member on a team's takin' a dirt nap. So, if you're ready--"
"This is it, Goof! Start working 'em with your war cry!" Dash said.
"My whut?"
"GO!!" the emcee shouted, as a bell rang.
Theef and Cream Filling charged forward.
Dash whinnied fiercely and ran as quick as her hooves could carry her.
Goofy was completely unprepared, and took off with not a war cry, but, "AAAAHH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOY!!!!!!"
The match was underway. Dash's mind was completely focused on her opponent, and the positions she would take to give Goofy the optimal attacking edge.
"This is it! Get that lance of yours ready!" Dash said.
"I ain't got a lance!" Goofy answered.
"What!?!"
"I ain't got a shield, neither!"
Dash suddenly realized what a disadvantage they were at.
In seconds, they were facing Theef's lance.
Dash saw that the weasel was aiming right for Goofy's chest. She bucked Goofy upward, making him jump right over the attack. The sudden momentum of her movement forced her to run ahead on her front hooves, while Goofy's feet landed on her flank. The two continued on for some distance, until Dash was able to drop her rear hooves to the ground, and Goofy fell back onto her back.
The crowd cheered at the spectacle, and the combatants reached the ends of their respective lanes and turned around.
"Focus, will ya!" Theef said to Cream Filling, who cringed slightly from the weasel's reprimanding.
At the other end, Dash consulted Goofy.
"What do you have to topple that weasel?" Dash asked.
"Uh...Closest I got's this," Goofy answered, taking his mop and washtub off his back, holding them like a lance and a shield.
"Good enough for now," Dash said.
They took their marks again, and charged valiantly.
Theef signalled to Sneek, and ran off on his steed.
The emcee took the signal, covered his mic, and stomped his foot on his podium.
"Cheepskate! Creep! You guys are up!" he said.
Down below, two more weasels worked in the area underneath the tiltyard to make things difficult for Dash and Goofy. They started by cranking a lever that would set up a nasty surprise for the two goofs.
Dash ran down the lane, keeping her eyes on Theef and Cream Filling. Once they were close, she picked up her speed.
Too fast for Goofy, as he lost his balance and ended up leaning far backwards. Far enough to watch Theef's lance go right over his nose. However, his weapon arm reached over the side of the divider and his mop caught Theef right in the face.
The weasel was knocked off his mount, but his foot remained caught in the stirrup, forcing him to be dragged at high speed back to his starting point.
Goofy and Dash were almost about to savor their victory, when a section of the divider sprang up on its own support over the rest, and started spinning like a propeller. Just low enough to hit Dash in the face and suck her in like a tornado. After her, Goofy fell in and was battered with her. After so much abuse, they were spat back out right to the start of their lane.
"Are you alright?!" Quill asked, as she checked them for injuries.
"No problem. Piece of cake," Dash said, slowly getting to her hooves.
"Gawrsh...cake sounds good..." Goofy said, dreamily.
Normally, Pinkie would have loved to accommodate, but without her magic it was impossible. She thought she could substitute with another cake.
"Here you go!" Pinkie said, as she piled a mound of soap cakes into goofy's arms. "I know they aren't good for eating, but at least you'll smell fresh!"
"It's supposed to be a squire's job to help!" Quill said. "But, as long as we have that, let's get those scrapes cleaned."
Quill and Pinkie had just set to work quickly cleaning the scrapes that the fighters had taken from the spinning section of rail. Looking at them, and at the box of detergent in his pocket, Goofy got an idea.
"I know how we're gunna get 'em!" Goofy declared. "Rainbow Dash, we're gunna need tuh do a little choree-ography."
Back at the other end, Theef was getting equipped by his squire team with a set of javelins.
The emcee covered his mic and shouted to a group of other weasels on the sidelines.
"Hey! You boys get down below and help the others! We gotta make this show interestin', don't we?"
The weasels nodded, and set to work.
Now they were ready, and the fighters took off down the lanes again.
Dash did her part, and ran slightly slower to allow her opponent closer.
Goofy readied the box of powdered detergent in his hand, and took aim at the spinning rail when Theef was starting to get close.
Up ahead, a pair of holes was dug out, and a weasel's hand popped up with a length of rope. It tossed the rope to another waiting weasel hand, and the two hands pulled the rope taut for the oncoming Dash.
Theef armed a pair of javelins to throw at his opponents, and hurled them with all his might.
Dash veered to one side, and then the other out of their path.
Theef readied more javelins.
Goofy stood up Dash's back, opened the box with his teeth like he was pulling the pin from a grenade and reared his arm back for the throw. With a mighty toss, he threw the box right into the spinning rail, creating a cloud of murky, white mist that obscured everything.
Unfortunately, it obscured the tripwire the weasels had set up as well. There was no way that Dash could possibly notice, before her hooves were suddenly entangled in it, making her fall head over hooves forward.
"HWUP!!"
"WO-OW!!"
Goofy was thrown up into the air, right over the spinning rail, while Dash rolled right under it.
Theef was not so lucky. With his and Cream Filling's vision obscured, neither noticed where the spinning rail was. Fortunately for Cream Filling, he tripped and slid under the danger, while his rider was caught right in its reach.
Theef went spinning round and round, until his javelins caught into the ground and jammed the spinning mechanism.
The weasel went flying, while down below, Creep and Cheepskate went spinning around the handles that they used to operate the spinner, until they broke off, rendering their trap useless. Near them, two more weasels got ready for the next trap, carrying a large, heavy jackhammer, which they quickly stretched out like taffy, and set against the ceiling.
Goofy had landed on top of the rolling Rainbow Dash, his feet scrambling to remain on top of her. They were nearing the end of their lane, and crashed into the wall there.
"I'm starting to see a pattern here," Dash muttered.
All around, she could hear the applause of the crowd. The same applause as the first time she and Goofy performed a blunder.
"They like the show..." Dash thought to herself. It wasn't the same as stunt flying, but she thought maybe she could start a new kind of performance with her friends. "WHOAH!!"
A javelin flew past her, brushing through her mane.
"AH-HOY!!" Goofy shouted, as a dagger flew between his head and his bucket when he ducked.
Theef's squire team had taken the initiative to attack them both with whatever equipment they had.
"That's not allowed! Ref!! Do something!" Quill demanded.
"Ref rules: no foul," the emcee chuckled.
"So, that's how it is, huh?" Pinkie said, as Theef and Cream Filling came sliding up to greet them.
Pinkie started by picking up a squeegee and hooking the weasel around his neck to pull him closer.
"What are you doing!?" Quill asked.
"Playing the game by their rules!" Pinkie said, as she thoroughly scrubbed Theef's giant nose with steel wool.
At the other end of the lanes, Dash and Goofy fought back against the weasels squires. Dash knew that the audience wanted a show. And they were going to get a show.
She began by bucking Goofy over her back as he held his mop, and sent the screaming goof out of the path of a swinging sword.
Now that she was in front, Dash grabbed Goofy's mop while he was in midair, planting the bundle of yarns on the ground, while Goofy, still holding the handle, went spinning around. With each spin, the goof kicked the two weasels square in their faces.
When Goofy started losing momentum, Dash swung the mop so that Goofy landed between the two weasels.
Goofy tried to swing Dash around, but they were both taken by a surprise hit.
Both weasels started attacking, pummeling Dash and Goofy until they were pressed back to back.
Before the beating became too much, Dash and Goofy both kicked their legs out, getting their respective attackers in their chin.
The weasels backed off, and allowed Dash to buck Goofy over her back again. This time, she took the broom off his back and used it to fight off her attacker. Goofy landed behind her, and went to town on the other weasel with his mop.
At the other end of the lanes, Theef had escaped from Pinkie's grip by throwing her over his shoulder. When she landed, Theef thrusted his sword downward to stick Pinkie to the ground.
Pinkie walked her hooves along the ground from her prone position to avoid his attack.
Theef pulled his sword from the ground and swung at Pinkie again.
Pinkie pulled back and looked around herself. There was a party all around her, but she had none of the usual supplies. But, that hadn't stopped her before. All she had to do was make do with what she had, like before.
Theef swung his sword again, now aimed to cut Pinkie in two.
Quill shrieked and closed her eyes, only to hear a loud clang. When she looked, she saw Pinkie holding a large washtub like a shield.
"Shell game!" Pinkie said, as she hid under the washtub, between two others. Her hooves shot out, and in a messy blur she shuffled them all.
Before she even finished, Theef swung his sword at all three, overturning them and finding them empty. He never knew what was coming when a bucket was stuck over his head.
"Blind pony's bluff!" Pinkie said.
Theef spun wildly with his sword outstretched, hoping he would catch his pink opponent.
Pinkie put one end of an extension rod into Quill's teeth, held the other end in her own, and the two mares crouched.
"Try that crazy new dance! Limbooooo!" Pinkie called, as she and Quill tripped Theef.
The weasel fell over backwards, and went flying into the air with a loud, "YAH-HAAAAA!" When he landed, it was seen that a brush with metal bristles was stuck to the seat of his pants.
"And a round of pin-the-tail-on-the-pony to grow on!" Pinkie said.
Quill stared dumbfounded at Pinkie.
"This isn't a party. This is the product of some obsessed imagination! This is--It's--" she struggled to find the words.
"Make believe?" Pinkie suggested.
Quill stopped talking when she heard that. She made a living on the subject, and didn't even realize when it was staring her in the face.
Pinkie victoriously twirled her extension rod, nearly hitting Cream Filling, who was cowering nearby.
"Not me! I'm just a baker!" Cream Filling begged.
"Really?" Pinkie said. "Me too! Tell me, what do you think about cupcakes?"
"Cupcakes?" Cream Filling said, with a sudden loss of apprehension. "I love them. They're not the most difficult thing to make, but I love them for the sheer versatility and room for creativity they allow."
"And parties?" Pinkie asked hopefully.
"My absolute favorite thing. Every time one happens, I'm at my baking best."
"We should talk after the match," Pinkie giggled.
While a new friend was made at one end, at the other there was nothing but enmity.
The weasel squires were gaining the upper hand. They punched and kicked with everything they had, sometimes attacking each other's opponent.
Goofy blocked an attack with his mop, and swung his washtub around his back to cover Dash from attack.
Dash pushed the shield forward, knocking a weasel back.
Goofy spun around and knocked the weasel facing him in the nose.
The weasel retaliated by hooking two punches into Goofy's sides.
Goofy wound up his arms and thrusted his mop backwards, attacking Dash's opponent, then thrusted forward to attack his own.
Dash spun the broom she got from Goofy around from side to side, striking at the weasel with the straws and the handle.
The weasel was knocked back, and picked up a spear from the weapon rack beside him. He jumped forward and thrusted his spear at Dash.
Dash ducked underneath it, opening a path to Goofy.
Goofy jumped over it, opening a path to the other weasel.
The other weasel leaned as far back as he could go, the tip of the spear going right over the tip of his nose.
The spear was retracted. The weasel snapped upright, and knocked Goofy out of the air, into Dash, who rammed the weasel with the spear.
The crowd cheered at the sight.
Dash was filled with more ideas to win from the cheers of the crowd. She began by winding up to the side, hitting the weasel behind herself, then swinging to hit the weasel before her.
The weasel before Dash blocked her attack, but was hit by Goofy raising his mop over his head.
After winding up, Goofy slammed his mop down on his opponent's head.
The goof stood on his toes and allowed Dash's broom to pass between his legs to hit his opponent.
Dash ducked low to avoid Goofy's mop thrusting over her head to hit her opponent.
Both weasels were stunned by the blows, allowing Dash and Goofy to finish them off. They placed the handles of their weapons on the ground, clasped hand in hoof, and jumped past one another to kick each other's opponent in the face. They grabbed each other's weapons and knocked their respective opponents over their heads.
The two weasels spun around once, and dropped to the ground.
The crowd roared at the sight, thrilled by how the weasels were taken out in a spectacular fashion.
Dash could feel a familiar feeling growing within herself. The energy from the crowd reached her, and filled her with new ideas to thrill them.
Goofy, however, felt none of it. He was scanning the crowd, looking for any traces of his son. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be seen.
At the other end, Theef took the bucket off his head, pulled the brush off of his pants and grabbed Cream Filling by his tail to get back in their lane.
"Stow the goo-goo eyes, loverboy! We got us a match to win!" he reprimanded.
With a spur of his heels, Theef forced Cream Filling down the lane.
"Wait! We haven't discussed hot sauce yet! Cream Filling! Cream Filliiiiiiing!!" Pinkie yelled longingly, with her hoof reaching out to her new friend.
Dash took her place in her own lane, followed by Goofy jumping on her back. After recoiling from the goof's weight, she took off like a zipping parasprite.
Goofy took hold of a bar of soap that he received from Pinkie earlier, and took aim for a toss at Cream Filling's hooves.
There was a terrible shaking beneath Dash's hooves, as the tip of a jackhammer came rocketing out of the ground beneath her. She managed to dodge it, and keep her hooves on the ground, but another jackhammer broke through.
As it was, it was actually one single jackhammer held by two weasels below the lanes. They quickly zipped down the line with their tool, punching holes into the lanes in the hopes of taking out Rainbow Dash and Goofy.
They thrusted the jackhammer up again.
Dash leapt over the tool that had popped up in front of her.
Goofy jostled hard, and lost his aim with the soap he was holding.
Theef was growing closer with his lance drawn.
Dash could hear the ground breaking beneath herself. She readied to jump again, but it was too late.
The jackhammer had already been thrusted into her stomach by the time she was in the air, making her flip forward, tossing Goofy off her back.
Goofy shouted loudly as the bar of soap flew from his hand and landed on the divider between the lanes. As it was with such goof-ish luck, he landed right on top of the soap and slid careening down the divider's length.
"AAAAH-HOO-HOO-HOOOOY!!!!"
Theef was almost upon him, and didn't even have a chance to thrust his lance, when the yarns of the goof's mop were wrapped around his head.
The weasel was pulled off his mount, and was dragged once again through the dirt.
At the end of the divider, Goofy spun through the air, taking Theef with him. Finally, he landed on his feet, while his opponent was slammed headfirst into the ground.
With one last groan, Theef fell limp on the ground with Goofy-looking birds flying around his head, saying in high-pitched voices, "A-hyuck-A-hyuck-A-hyuck"
"And...Well, whaddaya know? The Goof Knight's the winner...Fancy that..." The emcee said.
"That's it!! All bets are off! No refunds!" shouted one of the weasels who had been taking bets in the crowds.
It did no good. All of the ponies who had placed bets rose up like a tsunami to take every bit they won. And then some. When the wave of ponies receded, both weasels who were taking bets were left with nothing but their underwear and hats.
Nobody was happy with the results of what happened. Especially not Goofy, who threw himself onto the podium, and was scrambling to climb it.
"I won yer match! Now, gimme back my son!!" Goofy shouted.
"Get lost, goof!" Sneek said, pushing Goofy off with his foot.
Down below, Goofy was caught on Pinkie's back, and she and Quill were led back to the lounge area, while Dash was carried on a stretcher.
"Wait! I still need tuh get my son! Maxie!!" Goofy shouted.
Back on the podium, Sneek sighed loudly and wiped his head.
"I don't know how much more o' this garbage I can take,” he muttered.
It turned out that he would have to take much, much more, as Rex appeared in the doorway across from him, and motioned for Sneek to approach him. Something that was noticed only by Quick Quill.
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I was hoping all the weasel scumbags were beaten to the point that they can’t move or speak. It would be even better if their hats were taken or the morons were tortured by being bathed in hot oil, but I guess being reduced to their underwear is good too. Then again, it’s not everyday I get to see well-written villains, even the mooks. Am I the only one who wants fatalities for the villains?
8737327
Bloodthirsty, are we? If it makes you feel better, the badger was crushed under a thousand pounds of metal, The Massster was blown up, and the sheriff was impaled on an I-beam.
8737757 Yeah, I can be, especially since I’ve been reading a lotta fics with heavy violence. I can tone it down so I won’t scare others, if that’s what you’re asking me to do.
8738058
Oh no, no. No need to tone down anything. I'm just saying that if you're looking for a blood n' guts demise, you may be out of luck here, given that it's an E-rated story. Not that the villains here don't suffer violent ends, mind you. In fact, I have a rather special end in mind for the villain in the next Mickey story arch.
8738084 That’s good. Wait, is Max still a child or is he college-age here?
8738133
Max is a child here. Five or six years old.
That was so fun. I think they may regret getting Goofy mad by taking his son. A parent out to save there child is someone to be feared. Now it's time to get serious!
8744845
Glad you thought it was fun. My brother and my friends were wondering how a jousting match could be any fun to read. Guess I showed them.
And, I can't really comment on Goofy being feared on his mission to rescue Max. But, I'll say that there's something to that particular idea.
Ah. I had imagined that Pete was going to show up as a villain since the ponies were talking about somebody who looked like Goofy, but I guess not. He probably would have crowded out this arc if he had showed up, as Rex probably makes up enough of a villain on his own that we don't need the cast to be crowded out like that. Instead, it's Max.
Still, it certainly gave Goofy the motivation he needed to fight (and win). The weasels played themselves, too. Nobody with even the slightest bit of intelligence would put extremely long odds on something that has a chance of happening just because it hasn't occurred before. Case in point, Leicester City in the Premier League or the Vegas Golden Knights winning the 2018 Stanley Cup in their inaugural season (they didn't win, but they did make it to the Cup Finals, and even that had pretty long odds). So giving all the ponies a 50-to-1 payout for Goofy winning will definitely take away all the money they got extorting the ponies and then some. Then they'll probably go for broke later trying to win it all back.
The last line stops after one word.
Okay! Whoah! So, that light that Yen Sid sent to Mouseton kidnapped Uncle Scrooge and Max! That bastard's gonna pay out the nose for that!
Rex just called them all goofs. This makes sense bcause Dash is pig-headed, Pinkie's a loon, and Goofy is goofy. Did you have these three travel together on purpose?
9400190
That is exactly correct. I did purposely put Dash, Pinkie and Goofy together, because they are the goofs of their respective groups of friends. Good eye for catching that.
I'm glad RainbowDash is able to have Fun while trying to help Goody.
But it made me sad 😔 and worried for Goofy's Son
Since they didn't care how old the creature was, their willing to kidnap a Damb Child.
To continue their Sick Twisted Game 🎮
HECK!
I Bet Mortimer Mouse have Damb Standards unlike these Weasels.
11842842
Oh, yes. Mortimer's end game is to break up Mickey and Minnie so that he can have Minnie for himself. But even he wouldn't resort to murder and kidnapping.