• Member Since 28th Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Saberking2012


Would love to have more followers, readers and (constructive) criticism. Please and thank you.

E

*Takes place with Kid Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash*

When your only friends are animals, you don't know how to deal with someone helping you. Cold and scared, how will she reply to a gesture?

*I would like to thank sevenofeleven, Sparkletop Rainbows and NaiadSagalotaOar for pointing out the mistakes. It means a lot.*

*Has a Dramatic Read-GumBall2*

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 45 )

The title is misspelled or is it a pun?

7596483 Misspell. Sorry about that:facehoof:

Short, but very sweet. Stories with a sisterly relationship between these two are always able to warm my heart.

7596517 The ironic part is, that's what I go for. I'm glad you liked it

7596526 How could I not? It's a very good and very sweet little story!

Oh my gosh, that was so cute! Sisters forever! :yay: :rainbowkiss:

7596574
7596579 Thank you. Glad you like it.

7596605
You're welcome. I expect more stories like this one. :twilightsmile:

7596616 Well, I do have 2 other stories similar to this(plus countless of other unpublished stories)

7596618
Cool. Can't wait for reading them. :pinkiehappy:

This story is very cute! :twilightsmile:

Well done author!

7596661 Thank you for reading it:twilightsmile:

This is a Twilight's Review review.

"N-No, your fine." I replied.

I think the word "it's" sounds better there.

"Hey, you know, there's a storm coming

You don't need that comma.

The next thing I knew I was running to find some shelter.

You need a comma after "knew".

Anyways, the grammar was okay. I saw that at the end of the quotes, there was a period or there wasn't anything at all. Next time, try putting a comma at the end of them when a character is speaking. I also noticed you used a lot of semi-colons. I think you should recheck your story and put commas instead of semi-colons in a few places. Other than that, the story was pretty decent. It was cute and sweet. But perhaps you could add a few more details like these:

the sky was a shade of light blue.

You could instead say, "the sky was an ocean of light blue."

I could make out a shadowy figure through the rain.

You could add the word, "obscure", or "nebulous", since they're more advanced vocabulary.

looking around for anything that seemed interesting; something for me to get.

You could also add the word, "intriguing", or "distinctive", since they're more advanced vocabulary.

That's just a few, but I'm sure you could come up with more.

7597009 A)Thank you. B)I lowered the grammar for them since they were kids. Not an excuse. Just wanted to explain why. C)Thank you the info(Seriously, I need to start doing better).

*edit- I added the changes*

One day, I'll get on the best reads(even great would be nice since eat least then, I will be worth the read)

7597022

You don't need to lower the vocabulary for the whole story because their kids, you just need to do it for the quotes.

7597058 Ah. Sorry then. I understand.

7597062

Actually, while normally I'd agree with what Sparkletop said, I don't in this case because this story is written in 1st person from Fluttershy's perspective. It'd be frankly jarring to see a supposed little kid POV saying something like "I saw a nebulous figure". If this was third person omniscient? Sure. But it's not so I actually think you're fine keeping the language and structure simple.

7597398 Ah. Thanks. I usually write in 1st POV so that's a reassuring thought.

That was a really sweet scene. :twilightsmile: A bit on the short side for my tastes, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. :raritywink: It left me wanting to see more by the end, which is always a good sign.

You also somehow managed to put 29 semicolons in there, by my count. Now, I adore semicolons, so I'm not saying you shouldn't use them, but there were some that were used incorrectly and some that were thrown in where you didn't need any punctuation. Plus, semicolons stand out a lot more than commas and periods, so they should generally be used sparingly. I can easily overlook a few grammar mistakes, but when you have six or seven semicolons in one paragraph it gets really distracting. I don't know if you'd rather check yourself or not, but I'd be glad to suggest corrections if you want me to.

7607751 That would be great. If you can pm them to me, that would be helpful. I'll change them when I can. I am glad you liked the story though. I didn't realize there were so many mistakes though

Cute story. I can totally picture Kid Rainbow and Flutters meeting like this. :twilightsmile:

The only negative I really have, is that some dialogue doesn't quite match up with what I typically hear from Fluttershy; but that's just me nitpicking about words like "critter-friends vs. animal-friends, or saying that it "sucked" being caught in the rain. Know what I mean? It doesn't take away from the story, but one's inner-critic can't help but notice. :P

7768995 A) Than you. Glad you liked it. B)Noted and I probably should have fixed it a little but the impact hasn't changed so overall, I say it still works

Now I had to pay the price for leaving and be stuck under the cold, hard rain. It didn't make any sense; the sun a few moments ago was bright and the sky was a shade of light blue.

I can personally relate to Fluttershy in this story because of that line. I live in Utah and we have a saying about how rapidly our weather can change. "If you want the weather to change, wait five minutes or drive five miles."

7898375 Thank you and i'm sorry to hear that. If it's OK to ask, how was the story itself?

7898539 I liked the story. Fluttershy and Rainbow happen to be two of my favorite characters from the franchise (the third is Sunset), and friendship is one of my favorite topics to appear in a story.

7898653 Ah. Well, i'm glad you liked it.

Hey!

I liked this story. It was a short, sweet read. I also just finished the Constructive Criticism you requested.

Keep up the good work!

Linkity Link

but at least the wind wasn't wasn't blowing hard, that was a good thing

Alright First off Spelling errors you have a redundant repetition of the word wasn't in the first paragraph. The next sentence I think the in was meant to be an "on"

Sadly, the trail that I was in didn't have anything to stop the rain from hitting my body; sending a chill down my spine on how cold it was

.
Alright now to the critique first of what worked. I liked the characters it was a nice and short story and you used your characters very well. You also had a good use of dialog and internal monologue. I liked that it helped me get a fill for the characters. I also liked the environmental conflict as it symbolized FS's internal emotional conflict. Also RD finding her like she did, that was nice.
Cons. So yes this is a short story not a lot of words to work with, but still I wasn't sucked into it. Though this was a nice story I feel it had potential to be a great story for me the emotional punch was weak there at the end or not as strong as it could have been, I feel that if you make a distinction between tears of joy and tears of woe you may get a better response.

8055676 A)? B)Not sure if you placed a dislike or not but this was considered my best short thus far considering the 62-5 ratio. So does it make you walk towards or way from my work?

*edit* huh... not sure how I missed that part. Guess when I re-fixed it, I forgot to remove that since I was fixing that line.

8055733 No dislike like I said it was good just good. I'll give your other works a look also I told didn't I my deals are never free. Not all that sure what the A)? meant that'll be fun to decipher.

8055744 it's was ? Because I was confused but after checking the story, I realized the mistake. Well, there is one story that I particularly like and I feel I did well in. Should you get a chance, herehere. Hopefully, my work will not be disappointing. I'll admit this is old but I feel for the most part I have improved.

8440655 Thanks. Unfortunately, none of my other work has come close to that

8441124 I haven't written anything close to 76 likes. The closest thing I've gotten is 51 and that was my oldest story. The next one is from my mother's day story witch has 47 days as of right now. My apologizes for the confusion.

8441138 Unfortunately... no. But I hope to change that witch my new stories(or if my stories get noticed in popular groups)

I can't imagine how you found my dead review group, but you're in luck because the stories you submitted are short and I'm bored. So you get reviews!

Aaand, there's not much here to be honest. I don't know what you expected me to say about this story.

What you have here is a type of "quiet climax" scene which could be emotionally moving if set into a larger story at a highly suspenseful point. As a standalone story, though, it's much weaker.

I'll note first a few things that could make this better as a standalone story and then give a couple of more general tips for scenes like this.

First, please notice that all of your paragraphs except for the dialogue parts are pretty large and blocky. Shorter paragraphs are generally preferred in most cases, for a few reasons. First, they're easier on the eyes. Second, they give a more consistent sense of progress as you're reading through them. Third, since paragraphs usually mark units of thought, shorter paragraphs help the reader to think more clearly about your story by taking smaller mental bites at a time; additionally, the ends of paragraphs give your readers' brains a break. This goes to readability rather than storytelling but it's still important.

By paying attention to the lengths of your paragraphs, you can manipulate the emotional pace of your story by altering longer and shorter paragraphs in waves to give larger-scale feelings of progression, by going from a longer-paragraph section to a shorter-paragraph section and back. That's more a tip for longer stories though. I just mention it because it highlights that paragraphing can also be a storytelling issue. It's not just an irrelevant grammar rule, in other words, and looking into techniques to improve your paragraphing is almost never a waste of time.

Moving on, you've got the whole extended metaphor thing going with the weather reflecting Fluttershy's interior state. In fact, that's really all this story is: You have the surface level of the events and dialogue, and then besides that, the only other thing going on is the weather extended metaphor. I'm pointing this out as an observation, not a criticism.

One mark of an interesting story is that, in general, whatever it spends the most time talking about is not what the story is actually about. If a story is predictable—and I don't just mean the ending, I also mean from one part to the next, and in terms of overall arcs too—the predictability almost always takes a lot away from the reader's experience.

This is why misdirection is a crucial tool for an author who wants to make his readers feel something strongly.

I recognize that it can be tough to make a 1,300 word story contain much in the way of misdirection. This is a big part of why someone might want to write a longer story! With more words, you can more reliably settle the reader into frames of mind which are different from the frames of mind you are going to try to end by putting him in.

Let me tie this back into the weather metaphor. The way you have written it, it's pretty clear from the beginning that the weather is a metaphor. Why? Because you don't focus on anything else. There's no misdirection to make me think otherwise. What you should have done was to incidentally mention the weather a couple of times throughout the story, briefly and in passing, while describing other things at the forefront of the story. You could then let those other things fade gradually into irrelevancy, and then end right when it becomes obvious at last that the weather is a metaphor, and you have the cheesy line about the raindrop and the tear, yadda yadda yadda. Nothing wrong with a little cheese. The main issue here is that I could see it coming from so far away that it lost any impact it could have had.

Usually when readers say, "you should be more subtle", what that means in real terms is, "you should use more misdirection".

Moving on.

The characters are cardboard cutouts. They could be anyone. Nothing in the story besides the names you've given the characters lets me know at all that this is supposed to be related to MLP or Equestria Girls. Moreover, there's just no personality to them. This is the type of problem where I've seen it so often, I can't even get upset about it any more. If I had to give some advice on overcoming this and writing better characters, I'd just say, try not to be so dramatic all the time. The flair for the dramatic can lead to sharper story composition, which is probably this story's strong suit, but you end up with weak characters who were meant to be profound by representing too many things and they end up being flabby and generalized.

(On the other hand, there are a lot of stories with really fun characters, which are just terribly structured stories and horribly boring to read because they have no sense of drama anywhere. Try to avoid both extremes, and pursue the golden mean.)

I don't do grammar stuff, but you had enough tense inconsistencies to where I thought I should mention it.

And that's all I've got for now. Peace and good luck.

-

The Cringe Review

8466609 A)I just found it by chance. Nothing more. Nothing less. B)That's a lengthy review I did not expect(witch isn't a complaint). If anything, that's a good thing. C)Yea, this was my early work so I do see the issues but I thank you for pointing them out as not many did. D)I take it that you disliked the story?

In any event, thanks for the review.

8466672
I did not really feel anything strongly one way or another about the story, so it would be hard to say I disliked it, but I didn't like it either.

Or if you are talking about the voting, I don't downthumb stories that have been submitted to me for review.

8466820 Mainly the former. Sorry the story wasn't to your liking.

Hello. Recently, I noticed this fic in the Tear MY Story to Shreds folder in Rage Reviews, and after seeing a post from you saying you were hoping for a review of it (or rather, your submitted stories in general), I gave this story a looksee to see if it was something I'd be able to work with. Sadly, I don't think that this story provides enough material to make a Rage Review out of, as about 80% of this story has little to nothing worth pointing out without coming across as redundant. Like almost anything, it has problems, but many of them either aren't readily apparent until near the end, or are the same problems constantly reappearing, making the process of writing a Rage Review that's entertaining to read without devolving into simple riffing an extremely challenging prospect. Unfortunately, there's a surprisingly large amount of fanfics that are like that, which is part of the reason why most stories in that folder go unreviewed by the group; some stories just aren't a good fit with the 'point out problems as you go' style that Rage employs.

However, because I'm not a huge jerk (only a moderately sized one), I've decided to give you some critique on the story while I'm here. Hope you get something out of it.

I feel I should start this thing off with my overall opinion: While this story is by no means terrible, it's also nothing special. It's just kind of mediocre and flawed. Why? Well, several reasons.

1: It doesn't flow very smoothly

The pacing in this story is pretty rocky in general. A lot of events don't fit smoothly into one another, and especially in the early paragraphs, the story often reiterates what has already been said, and occasionally also says one thing only to contradict itself soon afterwards. A few examples of these include:

The teachers told me not to go, but I wanted to see my animal friends... I wanted to see my critter friends before I went home.

Redundant 2nd part is redundant. It also makes the beginning of paragraph 4 redundant:

It was a cold feeling to be alone. I should've listened to the teacher.

The figure was carrying an umbrella and from the looks of it was a kid my age. What would someone be doing around here? The figure was standing in the rain protected by an umbrella; looking around.

The first and third sentences both reveal the exact same information, making one of them entirely unnecessary.

Suddenly, I realized the clouds had turned gray; I didn't notice them change.

How did she realize they changed if she didn't notice that they'd changed?

A flash of lightning came from the distance; the sound of thunder felt like it was amplified because it echoed on the walls around me. The next thing I knew, I was running to find some shelter. 

It echoed on the walls around her? But if there are walls around her, wouldn't that mean she was already in shelter by definition? Why would she immediately leave that shelter to find other shelter?

And then there are some bits that just don't make a whole lot of sense even in the story's world, like this:

"That was...my real reason for trying to find you. I thought I met you before." She said, looking at me.

I didn't know how to reply; now that she mentioned it, she looked...familiar? But why?

That's a very good question, Fluttershy. Why do they look familiar to one another, even though the story has implied that they've never met one another before? I don't know, the story kinda just dodges clarification.

Even without these reiterations and contradictions, the story's pacing is often too fast, mostly due to many scenes being very poorly described. There's not a ton of sensory descriptors in the early segments, which would be a good addition to help make the scene where she's trapped in the rain more immersive, and in later segments where Rainbow and Fluttershy interact, not only is there not much description given to things like tone, body language, or Fluttershy's thoughts at the moment about the whole situation, but Fluttershy seems to join up with Rainbow far too quickly, given how she has been clearly shown to have somewhat severe anxiety around other people/ponies she doesn't know, especially early on. As I said earlier, the pacing of the story as a whole feels very rocky, which just makes it come across as awkward. Speaking of...

2: The characters are about as stock as they could possibly get.

While it's hard to say that the portrayal of Rainbow and Fluttershy are OOC (for the most part), they're also written incredibly generic. There's very little portrayal of their personalities or ways of speaking here, to the point where you could change their names to pretty much anything and it would fit just as well. Fluttershy only gets a line about wanting to see her animals and an extremely brief moment where she hesitates speaking to Dash, and Rainbow Dash doesn't even get that much, coming off as a generic nice girl with none of the edge of her canon counterpoint. I'm not saying I need some sort of deep character analysis in a fic like this, but it would be nice if the characters were written a bit more interestingly, y'know? I also don't believe that someone as anxious as young Fluttershy would be this quick to join a girl she doesn't know, at least not without some more information.

3: It's emotionally stagnant.
For a story tagged as 'Sad', it sure doesn't do much to take me to either end of the emotional spectrum. This is primarily because the story telling is rather dry. The emotions the main character feels while each of these events occur is almost never brought up, which makes the idea that her emotional state is being physically represented by the weather around her feel kind of like conjecture. More importantly, however, it makes the story feel rather uninvesting. The ending (which is coincidentally about half of the story) seems like it's supposed to be a sort of pick me up 'aww, that's so sweet' kind of scene, but because it comes so quickly, and is told in such a dry way, it doesn't resonate very much with me. As a whole, the story is never particularly sad and never particularly happy; it's just kind of there.

4: Plenty of proofreading problems.
I noticed a plethora of proofreading errors as I read through this, ranging from minor things like Fluttershy being inside the path she's walking on:

Sadly, the trail that I was in didn't have anything to stop the rain from hitting my body;

to more major issues like semicolons being thrown everywhere they don't belong:

{...} didn't have anything to stop the rain from hitting my body; sending a chill down my spine on how cold it was. It was freezing even without the wind.

Hugging my knees close to me, I shivered inside; trying to keep myself warm as the wind blew a little stronger,

I paused; thinking whether to really tell her or not.

Moreso than anything, however, this story's tenses swap all over the place, sometimes within the same sentence. To cite a few examples:

Now I had to pay the price for leaving and be stuck under the cold, hard rain.

Fortunately, I found somewhere to stay for a while before the rain lets up.

I didn't want to attract any attention right now. I don't want someone to see me like this

Since this story is talking about an event that happened in the past, try to keep your tenses consistently in the past. Otherwise, the story reads like it's skipping around in time, which can be distracting. While the grammar here isn't terrible, it's also, like most of the story, rather flawed, which ultimately hurts the product.

On the whole, this story isn't horrible, it's just flawed and kind of bare. There's nothing here that's particularly hate-able (Everything I've pointed out is kind of just irritating), but on the other hand, there's nothing here that's particularly good either, and the story as a whole is over too quickly to get much momentum going. As such, it just comes across as a bit of a wash.

8580449 Yea, this is an old story and most of the problems you pointed out have already been said(although I thank you for still pointing them out. When I first read though your comment, I assumed you meant 80% of my other stories overall but he-read it and noticed you meant this one. In any event, I thank you for taking time out of your day to do this(To be honest, I can't tell if it's a good thing or not that you didn't get mad at this since it means the story doesn't get much notice beyond that). If you like(or have the time), you can check out my other stories and see if they're worth your(or the group's) time. My apologies for the late reply.

I figured I should post this here instead of on my user page.

Thank you for favoring my story. May I ask what you liked about it?

I thought it was really cute, and it sits on that edge between narrative and mythic that I find really moving.

Laughter...even though was short, it made me smile.

You should probably put an it between though and was.

Cute story.

9529745 I'll fix it in a moment. Also I'm glad you liked it.

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