• Published 24th Sep 2016
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Ogres and Oubliettes: Roll The Dice - Bucking Nonsense



In a world where evil reigns supreme, a small band of warriors stands tall against the darkness. This is... Ogres & Oubliettes. For realsies

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Rolling New Characters

"Oh rut, what now?"

It should be mentioned that the life of a gate guard at the last city left on the continent is much more hectic than one might normally assume. Stalwart Sentry had found this out the hard way when, after making the terrible mistake of "spending the night" with the commander's daughter (They were both incredibly drunk, and neither one remembered any of it... which was a terrible shame, since she was quite lovely) and eloping with her, he'd been permanently placed on guard duty for the front gates of the constantly harrassed city. From the outside of the city. Where all the monsters were.

His life had, ever since, been a rutting nightmare. Seriously. Monsters were trying to eat his face every day. Not hyperbole: There were monsters that considered pony faces to be a delicacy, and many of them came directly to the castle's front gate, drawn by the smell of the thousands upon thousands of ponies within. In fact, most monsters seemed to view ponies as some sort of sweet, delicious candy that complained loudly when eaten. And Stalwart Sentry was the most delicious of them all, it seemed. Every day, he fought from sunrise to sunset, until his relief of thirty guards came to hold the gate at night.

And all of this for a salary of a meager five bits a day. A pittance. He and his wife (The previously mentioned commander's daughter) could barely make ends meet. His commander had mentioned that, if he were to simply divorce her and forswear ever seeing her again, there might be a promotion in it for him, or at least reassignment. However, as mentioned, the commander's daughter was very lovely, and they were both very much in love. Plus, there was now a foal on the way, although they hadn't shared that bit of news with the grandfather to be yet. So...

Well, he hardly had time to be thinking on such things, given what was now walking up the road towards the city gate.

It was a mass advance of goblins. At least fifty of the green-skinned, foul-smelling creatures. Even a dozen of the blighted things could be dangerous, but fifty of them could bring down even a skilled adventurer, let alone a poorly equipped, underpaid gate guard. They were armed with various crude weapons. Swords, spears, knives, torches, axes, daggers, halberds, slings, bows, arrows, a duck, crowbars, blackjacks, and lead pipes. Fairly common equipment for a horde of goblins (Except for the duck. What the rut?). And worse, there was something larger and more menacing behind them.

The creature advancing behind the goblins was at least thrice the height of the tallest of the foul beastss (And the average goblin was as tall as an average pony), walked on two legs, and was garbed head to toe in steel armor, with a decidedly deadly looking sword in its left hand. The cut of its armor implied a saurian figure underneath, but not a square-inch of its flesh was visible to confirm its race. The figure advanced in a stance that indicated a strong sense of combat readiness, and the quality of its gear indicated that it would be a terrible foe to face.

So, in addition to a dreadful murder-mob of goblins, Stalwart would then be faced with this terrible foe... if it didn't decide to just jump in and aid its advancing underlings.

Oh well, it wasn't as if he hadn't fought worse, and just within the last week.

Stalwart took a fighting stance, and prepared himself for the charge that would soon begin, once the goblins came close enough. They were advancing steadily, but not running. After all, the city was situated on a grassy plain, with no trees or cover for miles and miles. This was a tactical advantage, technically, since it meant that nothing save the occasional invisible monster could take the city by surprise. Of course, this was a double-edged sword, since this meant that there was no means of ambushing any advancing army of monsters. Thus, monsters could advance upon the city with confidence, certain that nothing could take them by surprise.

Then, the figure advancing behind the goblins made a gesture with one hand, a "shush", as if to indicate that Stalwart should remain silent. As the earth pony stallion tried to overcome his confusion at this sudden movement, the steel-clad creature seemed to take a deep breath, and then gave a mighty shout.

"ADVENTURE... AND... GLORY!!!"

The goblins jumped in the air in surprise, almost in unison, an almost comic expression of confusion on their faces. Before they could recover, the armored figure was in their midst with sword and fist, laying about the goblins with an almost demented enthusiasm, laughing all the while.

Goblins, while dangerous in a group, are individually very weak, cowardly, and none too bright. When they have the advantage of numbers, and are feeling confident, they can be a force to reckoned with. While they don't usually wear armor, this makes them nimble and harder to hit in combat, and while their weapons are crude, they're also often fouled or poisoned, so that even a small scratch can do a great deal of damage over time if left untreated. However, a surprise attack can easily rattle them, destroying that feeling of confidence, and whatever advantage they might have had due to their high morale. And when the one springing the surprise is encased in high-quality armor, and swinging around a sword easily as heavy as a goblin itself, the mob quickly goes from a single, united army to a mass of scared, screaming individuals trying desperately to escape the monstrous thing that was slaughtering them wholesale.

Within seconds, the will of the goblin horde was broken, and they started to retreat. Within seconds, only a scattered few who'd either been too brave, or too stupid, to run.

And then there was this guy.

"MON CANARD EST EN FEU!!!" a goblin shouted, chasing around a duck that was flying about crazily while on fire. It was difficult to say which was stranger: That the duck had somehow ignited during the fracas, that the goblin actually cared enough about the duck to try and chase it down while it was burning, or that the goblin actually knew Prench...

Regardless, its concerns were put to an end when the armored figure separated the goblin's head from its shoulders with a casual backhand slash, while the duck flew away to parts unknown, trailing fire all the way.

After taking a moment to clean its sword of goblin guts, the threat now dispatched, the figure approached, and with a salute that involved a flourish of his sword, the armored warrior announced, "GREETINGS, FELLOW ADVENTURER, I AM GORETHYNDRYLLOS, OF FAR OFF DRACONIAPOLIS!!! I HAVE VENTURED FAR TO REACH THIS PLACE!!! TELL ME, WHERE MIGHT I FIND A TAVERN, SO THAT I MIGHT SLAKE MY MIGHTY THIRST WITH THE FINE BEER OF THIS DISTANT REALM!?"

Quite the voice on this guy, and a little bit overdramatic for a greeting. Still, he'd just done Stalwart a solid, so the least he could do was give the guy directions.

"Okay, first off," he began, "I'm a guard, not an adventurer. If you're looking for adventurers, you can find them at the local guild. It's near the market square, just follow the signs and you'll find yourself there pretty quick, the guild will be the largest building. If you're looking for beer, I'd recommend the Feed Trough, it isn't too far off the market square, anypony or anybeast at the guild can give you directions there: It's more or less the official tavern of the guild. The beer's good, but a little bit pricier than most taverns, but at least you won't end up with something that tastes like a tankard of moose urine."

Gorethyndryllos looked around in confusion, at the dozen and a half beaten to death monster corpses that littered the road leading up to the city, that had been there well before the goblins had arrived. It had been a slow morning, normally Stalwart had to deal with thrice that many before noon, most days. "ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT AN ADVENTUERER!?" he asked/shouted, taking in Stalwart's hoofwork. "I HAVEN'T YET MET THE GUARD WHO COULD HANDILY DEAL WITH SUCH BEASTS!!"

Shrugging, the stallion said, "All in a day's work." Signalling to the guards that manned the high walls of the city, he said, "The gates'll be open in minute or so: It takes a bit to get them moving. They'll stay open just long enough to let you in. Best behavior, please: If you cause trouble in town after I've let you in, the commander will have the skin off my flanks for a new coin purse."

"OF COURSE, NEIGHBOR," the armored saurian agreed. "I WOULDN'T DREAM OF CAUSING ANY TROUBLE IN YOUR FINE CITY, ESPECIALLY IF SUCH MIGHTY HEROES GUARD THE STREETS!!!"

"And, um, keep the shouting to a minimum," Stalwart added as an after thought. "There's no law against it, but it's more an issue of courtesy. You're a little too loud."

Looking a little abashed, Gorethyndryllos said, "Sorry. My bad. Force of habit."
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With Gorethyndryllos shuttled quickly inside of the city and the gates shut and re-secured, Stalwart Sentry resumed his post, and prepared to spend the rest of the day fighting monsters for a pittance. As he did, a few thoughts kept bouncing around in his brain pan.

"...I HAVEN'T YET MET THE GUARD WHO COULD HANDILY DEAL WITH SUCH BEASTS!!"

"...ESPECIALLY IF SUCH MIGHTY HEROES GUARD THE STREETS!!!"

"...FELLOW ADVENTURER!!!"

"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT AN ADVENTUERER!?"

Had anyone mentioned the idea of becoming an adventurer to him before, he'd have laughed it off as too dangerous. Who'd want to go out and risk their life fighting monsters all day?

...But, wasn't he doing that already? And if he was going to fight monsters anyway, maybe he ought to take a job that had him do so and paid better than this...