Chapter one: Introductions, Honest Laughter.
The light of the full moon graced the city that laid bellow, it was a metropolis even in this times of horror, the city was in a very open region with tones of clear water streams and small hills but the most noteworthy was a large seemingly endless forest to the west of the city. The city itself was mostly of buildings, even businesses, only three or four stories tall with only a handful of six or seven story buildings. Within the center of this city was a thirty story tower designed to look like a castle, the base of the tower was the thickest part stretching fifty feet wide, the taller the tower was the thinner it became creating sections and with every section there was a balcony that.
In one small part of the city two women walked the streets talking and laughing just enjoying the night and bars.
“So that fire was from one of those things.” The green haired woman asked her friend who nodded.
“I saw it, it was horrible. To think THAT was human at one stage, by the goddesses its terrifying to think anyone of us could become something like that.” The red haired woman shuddered at the memory, her friend nodded in agreement.
“Just don’t think about it, just live your life otherwise your just going to size yourself up for more fear then you can cope with.” The red head sighed, nodding her head. The two continued to talk about other things in an attempt to settle their fears and worry’s unaware of what was up ahead.
A sound emanated from farther up ahead causing the two women to stop. Further up there was a man stumbling forward, the darkness of the night obscured most of his body, specifically his right side.
“Hay sir, are you ok.” The green haired woman called, but the only reply was a... Growl of sorts, it sounded like a beast trying to roar in water. The street lights began to illuminate the man’s body.
What the women saw made them shake in fear.
The man was a ghostly white and even from where the women stood they could tell the man’s mussels were tense to the point the flesh looked as solid as stone, giving the man the overall appearance of a moving statue. The fingers and thumb on his left hand where covered with a strange crystal like rock that the women know could rip them apart easily. The man beard his teeth, revealing the enamel to be made of the same red crystal rock that could easily tear flesh from bone. He's colorless eyes glared at seemingly nothing, looking this way and that coming to a stop on the pair of trembling women. He roared a mechanical screech as he moved his right arm from the shadows into the light to reveal it to be covered in the same red crystal like rock, he's upper arm was covered in spikes, including the shoulder, his lower arm was, instead of a hand, a long blade a little longer then his height.
The monster roared as it charged to the petrified women. The red haired quickly recovered from her shock, grabbed her friends hand and ran down the way they came, the monster hot on their heals. They turned left down another street then left, left again and then a right, by this point the green haired women was running on her own. She stole a glance behind her hoping they lost the monster, her hopes where shattered as she saw that not only was the thing still following them but it was even closer.
The green haired women turned to face forward, the red head turn down another street, she turned to follow but she couldn't see her. She stopped running, heavily breathing in and out feeling without her friend she had no hope. She screamed when she felt a hand grab her arm and pulled her into an alley and squirmed when she felt another hand cover her mouth.
“Lyra clam down its me.” Lyra looked towards the voice verifying it was her red haired friend. The red head quickly pushed herself and Lyra to the wall, the horrid sounds of the monsters growls became louder and louder. The two women forced themselves not to shake, in hopes of making as little sound as possible.
The monster ran past the alley, racing in the direction it thought they went. The women resisted the urge to sigh in fear it would hear them, quietly they ran down the alley appearing in a crossroad's. Just as they stepped into the center of the crossroad Lyra screamed as a searing hot pain emanated from her leg, losing her balance she landed head first into the cement, losing consciousness. The red head turned around and sprinted to her friend’s side, an expressing of horror as she looked on at her friends still form, but a smile of relief creep as the gentile rise and fall of Lyra's chest indicated life.
A metallic screech resounded from the alley the two women came from as the monster walked towards the two women, seemingly savoring the moment of its well-earned hunt. The red heads expression stretched to one of horror, and confusion when she saw the middle finger missing. An idea formed and confirmed when she saw the missing digit imbedded in Lyra's leg. Her expression grow to one of pure terror when she looked back at the monster to see the finger growing back, it was slow but she know it had four more shots left before it had to worry.
The red head didn’t know what to do, she couldn't leave her friend, she couldn't carry her and out run the monster. She had one option left.
The red head hugged Lyra deeply as tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked up to see the monster raised its arm overhead, and like an executioner the blade dropped, the red head braced herself for the pain.
“Ha!”
The monster stopped mid-swing shifting its gaze towards the voice, the red head looked up then followed the monster's gaze. Standing in one of the streets a few feet from the them where two women. They both wore the same style of clothes, short heal thigh high boots with mid-length skirts that hugged their bodies and military style jackets. The one on the left, standing at six feet in height, was a freckled faced blond with a western styled hat, her expression was a stoic one but held a cold air, and a merciless gaze in her emerald green eyes. The one on the right was a smooth skinned young looking girl with a full head of curly bright pink hair, her expression was one of joy, yet in her baby blue eyes there was only a warning of pain. She was around the same height. The red head found herself more afraid of this two then the monster.
The monster was about to screech only to be stopped when something rammed into it with enough force it tumbled down the street. The red head watched the monster roll across the street till it stopped then shifted her gaze to wear it stood not even a second ago to see the pink haired woman standing there. The red head was about to have a panic attack.
That was until she saw the badge sewn into the fabric on their shoulders. It was small, cycler in shape, with fourteen spikes of different colors. respectably, antque ruby, anti-flash white, bronze, amaranth pink, electric yellow, electric blue, electric crimson, deep violet, earth yellow, deep sky blue, dark gray, cyber yellow, camel and emerald with a gem in the center that seemed to glow with all the colors at once. A gold ring was attached to the ends of the spikes but split to two half’s, both half’s where engraved. The top half read 'Infection Control Watch' the bottom half read 'Section: Gray'.
The red head smiled in pure joy knowing she was safe, she wanted to hug the two women and thank them for saving her and her friend but froze when the blond woman walked into view, she know she was safe but the mere sight of the blond woman seemed to force some primal fear to scream at her to run and never look back. The blond looked to the red head sighing in annoyance at the fearful look.
“Ya mite want ta leave, this things can get a bit... messy.” She spoke in a thick Texan accent. Smiling with anticipation for the fight, which did little to calm the terrified red head.
The pink haired woman chuckled. “You might want to go.” She advised, her voice full of joy, but there was an under tone of... malice that made the red dead shiver.
“W-what, what about Lyra, she's hurt!”
“Don't worry she's over there.” The pink haired girl replied pointing down the opposite street.
The red head gave the woman an odd look. “What are you talking about she's right here-.” The red head looked down to see nothing but air. Panic filled the red head as she looked this way and that till her eyes fell on the still form of Lyra in the opposite street, right where the pink haired woman was pointing. Her leg was bandaged and the blood spatter was cleaned from her clothes. The red head looked at the pink haired woman in shock. "How did you do that?"
“Questions, questions, questions, just go already so we can do are job.” The pink haired woman commanded, her patents all but gone, a heavy frown glared daggers at the red head.
The red head flinched but crawled to her feet running to her friend’s side. The blond haired woman watched her then looked to the pink haired woman. “Was that really necessary Karen.” The pink haired woman, identified as Karen, scoffed.
“Sorry Hope, it's just so frustrating when people just stare at you like dear in headlights when not even fifteen feet from them is a blood thirsty monster ready to turn them into dinner! No they find it more important to sit there and ask questions, for fuck sake people are stupid, I mean I can understand being too scared to move, but when theirs someone how can help them they just sit there and get in are way, that just drives me up the fucking wall!” The blond haired woman, identified as Hope, rolled her eyes as Karen continued her rant knowing that when Karen got this way nothing she say will clam her own till her long awaited point is voiced.
“Which takes like twenty bloody years. And yet people are afraid of me it's Karen they should be weary of.”
The monster weakly stood up then roared in anger, but the two woman didn't even look at its direction.
“Remember that time in the Everfree when those kids where just sitting there as a Goliath, a fucking GOLIATH was charging towards them, we had to convince them to lesion to us. But when the hydra came it was like nothing we did they just wouldn't lesion! I don't condone child abuse but those kids just made me want to slap the stupid right out of them!”
The monster roared again but louder.
“SHUT UP BEFORE I STAPLE YOUR MOUTH SHUT MYSELF” Karen practically roared at the monster, but the thing didn't lesion, it charged, it's blade arm high in the air. The pink haired woman trembled in frustration and anger but before she could twitch a leg muscle Hope placed a hand on Karen’s shoulder.
“Simmer down sis let me deal with the swordman, just breath ok, remember what Jewel taught you.” Reluctantly Karen nodded, she walked to the sidewalk and sat cross-legged inhaling and exhaling deeply.
Hope turned her attention to the monster, which had almost cleared the distance between them, but she wasn't scared, for she know how to deal with this thing. With a thought her arms and legs turned into tendrils of red and black meat for but a second, in place of her human limbs her arms where covered in a black rock like cartilage as well as her legs with a gantlet design to them. This change made the swordman stop and for the first time that night, it backed away from its target, knowing full well what she was. Hope grinned in a way that would make an alpha predator wiper in fear.
“So you know what ah am. I guess you’re not a marron.” The monster turned and ran down the street in a vain attempted to escape, Hope got into a crouching position and lunched herself at the monster, her acceleration far too high for any normal human to reach. In less than a second she cleared the distance and rammed into the monster, she stabbed her fingers into its back and held onto its spin with a vice grip with her feet planted firmly on the ground, her momentum treasured the body was lunched forward, the spin remained. The body tumbled down the street until it smashed into a pole, it body twitched with whatever muscle function it had left before finally going limb. Hope held the spin in her hand, a sick smile of joy plastered on her face, then as if her body reacted on instinct, several tendrils of red and black flesh shot out of her back several coiled around the spin and the head of the monster wail the rest covered the body and any part of the street that had blood on it. As fast as they appeared the tendrils reseeded back into Hope, any evidence of the monster ever being there was gone, absorbed by the tendrils.
Hope covered her mouth as a small belch escaped, sighing in content. “Hmm, he didn’t taste that bad.” Turning around Hope walked down the street to her sister, who had visibly calmed down from her little anger episode.
“Ya ok sis.” Karen breathed out.
“I’m good, I’m chill.” She stood up. “Come on, we need to check on the civis.” Hope nodded. The two walked down to the two women, Lyra was still knockout, the red head sat next to her. She looked up when she heard foot steps to see Hope and Karen standing in front of her.
“Is it gone?” She asked, her attention was solely fixated on her injured friend that he missed the monsters demise. Both sisters nodded, the red head sighed in relief.
Karen spoke first. “Excuse me miss… “
“Beth.”
“Miss Beth, how did you encounter the swordman?”
“Me and Lyra where going to head for my sisters place to see how she was ok, she got burned a bit by that fire last week. Just as we were half way there we saw that thing walking the streets, then it saw us and gave chase. It chased us down a few streets then down that alley, then that thing shot its middle finger at Lyra’s leg. The rest you where there for.”
Karen took a thoughtful look. “Thank you Miss Beth, and apologies for my less then professional approach, we will call the hos-.”
“I’ve already called the ambulance, and don’t worry about that, you were trying to do your job but I was in the way, you have nothing to apologies for.”
With that don Hope and Karen nodded to Beth and walked a little bit away to discus in privet. Hope was the first to talk.
“Another wonderer, ever since that fire last week thrive been more and more frequent, we need to get someone to investigate this.”
Karen nodded. “But that’s not are thing, will need to get Rachel and Rose to investigate, I’ll call base, right now we can’t leave this two alone.” Hope nodded, she turned and walked over to the two distressed civilian’s wall Karen called the base.
“Luna do you know were Rose and Rachel are.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.025 seconds
Total duration
712 users online
1,208,311 hits today, 2,539,878 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2023
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2023 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Sounds interesting. Will be keeping an eye on this one.
I hate Displaced stories. In fact, I often downvote them without even reading them because Displaced fics have a 99.99% chance of being horrible pieces of shit. I do, however, make exceptions for Prototype stories.
That said, this story was about as good as I expected: IT SUCKED. I don't even know where to start with specifying the mistakes. Maybe the horrible grammar? No, the pacing was way worse. What about the poor detail that had me hitting my head against my desk? I had to reread parts of the chapter because they were so poorly written. How is this even a displaced story (of course if it's not that's a good thing)? The only even remotely good thing I could see out of this first chapter is the potential for a decent story. Of course, considering how poor this first chapter is, coupled with the fact that it's a displaced story by a clearly amateur author, I would be more than surprised if it got better.
7636277 I hate unnecessarily rude comments. There's a 99% chance they can be written better in so many ways. Like, there's literally no excuse for them. I mean occasionally I let them slide, but not always
Throwing around insults instead of suggestions is both lazy writing and a clear attempt at taking out one's anger on another innocent person. I don't know where to start with this comment. The unnecessary rude sarcasm? No, the utter lack of basic human compassion is way worse. What about forgetting that everyone has their start and may simply be unaware of what they're doing? I had to reread parts of this comment because seeing borderline bullies online always gets my blood boiling. What is even the point of this comment? The only thing even remotely good, is the fact you at least point out what is wrong. It has the potential to help the writer. Of course seeing how blatantly rude you're being, I doubt it is. You could destroy a new writers will to keep trying with crap like this. How many great fanfic writers on here would have stopped trying if they got feedback like this on one of their first stories? Considering you care more about being the "online toughguy" instead of an adult, means there's little chance your tiny brain will grasp what I'm getting at. Be constructive, not destructive, or fuck off.
7636277 Looks like someone's T R I G G E R E D.
Really, though:
7636277 I agree with a lot of points that you are raising, but I think that you are putting it across in the completely wrong fashion.
7636277 Rather than bashing on the author you could, and I'm just spit balling here, offer to help them out a little. After all if you're claiming to know all the worst parts of it, then perhaps you have a few good tips for them. Or even help to teach them so they can do better?
After all, if this fandom supports and helps one another. Then wouldn't make sense for you to do just that, rather than hate on someone for giving it their best shot?
Careful of run-on sentences, they’re very overwhelming.
“
.”
Good way of starting off your chapter with a chase scene. Watching two normal people run from a monster is always exciting. I’d suggest sprucing up your action though. Describe what they do while running, or what else might be happening. Like perhaps the creature swipes a vegetable cart out of its way that slams into a parked car, setting off its alarm.
Careful about continuity. I’m guessing you never re-read your stories for editing/proofreading. I know it’s taxing, but that’s how you get better. It’s one of the less glorious parts of writing. You said they weren’t together, then they suddenly are. Or did you mean the creature wasn’t chasing them anymore?
There’s a lot of wrong tenses, or words that sound similar to what you meant. That’s usually called writing phonetically. It’s what happens when you’re focused on typing out the story, and not the writing itself. You got a decent plot here and do well with scenes, but you need to work on the actual writing part. I’m sure you’ll make a great storyteller!
I’d also recommend using the women’s names sooner, accompanied by their brief descriptions; it makes it easier for the reader to keep track of who is doing what.
“
”
I’d specify what the exact injury was. The image in my head is her leg was hurt and she fell down. It’s not until a few sentences later that I imagine there being some type of claw in her calf muscle or something that the creature shot.
I’m also liking how the creature is more than some random slashy monster. Giving it a projectile attack was a nice touch.
“
“
I’d do less telling, and more showing. Like let the characters actions show what she’s thinking. For instance(Gonna call the nameless red haired woman sally): “Sally’s helpless stare trades off between the creature, and her motionless friend.”
“
”
While it’s a run-on, that’s a badass description of AJ and Pinkie! Although…six feet high? That’s pretty darn tall. And a few feet away is like…right next to the monster and Lyra. As I said, continuity. But it’s your story, if you want them to be that tall, your choice.
“
”
Daaaaamn! Nice! Once again, maybe add in some parts of what the monster does as it’s tumbling. Even some examples of sounds and actions as well. For example:
“The monster was about to screech only to be stopped by a ferocious flash of color. The pink girl had instantly closed the several meters between her and the monster. Her fist slams into its gut with a thunderous crack. The creature howls as it is sent back with enough force to make it helplessly roll backwards down the street.
Car alarms go off, as the monster’s arms crush through various shop windows and windshields. It lies facedown, as a nearby streetlight falters a bit before collapsing to its side. The pink haired girl stands there with a triumphant smirk on her face, as steam rises off her fist.” This has examples of sound effects and what happens to the environment as well, giving a more clear picture of what exactly is going on.
The rest of the story is really fun and exciting. My former criticism kind of keeps repeating itself. I’d recommend tossing your story into Microsoft word to help catch most of the grammatical errors. You have the makings of a brilliant writer, and I hope to see more!
7636409
s2.quickmeme.com/img/de/deaead51e2af2fef61c85c3be4f83b5fff6ad1747cfc71adf4e191ecfec42d6d.jpg
7636277 I throw out half of the resumes this company receives
I don't want unlucky people working for me
7636277 Yo, lad. If you don't like Displaced stories, then get out. No one needs your opinion. Especially a very rude one such as yours. I honestly hope that you never write a story because it would be cyanide to the eyes, just like your words are. This guy had a good idea, and worked on it. They put their time, heart, and thoughts into a thing that meant something to them, and your shitting all over it because you think you can. Fuck you, asshole, if I had a sliver of respect for you, its gone now. Of course, I would never respect someone such as you.
You and the four who upvoted your comment can shove it.
Slan.
Hello good sir or madame, I am your friendly neighborhood feline Schrödingers Katze and today I am here in my official function as Displaced story reviewer. So let´s get this party started ya?
For a start, let´s look at that flavour text of your hn? Aside from the fact that it is edgier than all the Hot Topic stores in the US combined, that you misspelled "Celestia" for "Celestiea" and that you gave away who the heros in this little play are right of the bat (boo, good author, boo), I can find little to no flaws here.
Let´s get into this then. Right into the first few paragraphs and allready I am stumbling over the first grammar error. I do not want to asume stuff but I spotted two full stops where it should have been questionmarks, the word "Hay" instead of "Hey" (unless of course it was an intended horse-pun that flew right over my head) and the word "mussles" when you without a doubt meant "muscles".
Now, as a purr~son who´s native tongue is German, even I found this slightly off-putting but then again, mistakes can happen and depending which program you use to write, even your otherwhise helpful auto-correct can throw the odd monkey wrench into your gears. Still, you might want and go find yourself a proof-reader because these few bloopers were just the tip of the iceberg. There are a few groups around on FimFic for just that, if my memory serves right. Two sets of eyes detect more errors than one pair after all. Trust me, I know from personal experience.
Well, onwards. You seem to be suffering from the infamous "Purple Unicorn" syndrome, seeing as you refer to Beth as "the red head" time after time after time after time. Likewise with Lyra. Now, a very easy way to avoid this is simply call them by name. Sure, it might feel strange for some to just announce "Bob and Betty strolled down the street" but it greatly helps avoiding aforementioned syndrome (which, I admit, I suffered too in my first time as a newly minted author).
Next, let´s see, oh yes, descriptions. Let´s take the section with the badge. It is nice that you gave it so much thought but like some other in the comment section mentioned before me, you tend to build tapeworm sentences. These are kind of tiring to read. So instead of listing each and every color of this badge, maybe just go with a description of how it seemd to change colors depending on the view, with naming only a couple of colors? The transformation scene and the following fight scene are pretty solid per se and it might just be me, being spoiled by professional epic stories but I think you could add a few more details in there.
Also, try to break it up a bit more instead of two solid chunks of text. Several small sections are easier on the eye and make reading more comfortable too.
The bit with Karen raging about people being stupeed when facing a deadly monster made me snicker because it is true. Good job on that one.^^b
Now for the pacing. This chapter is barely worth three thousand words, so it feels quite a bit rushed. It may just be me again but I felt like you could have put some more "meat" into this, if you know what I mean. Maybe a section from the POV of this, Swordsman, you called this beastie? Having some sort of insight into the monster as it stalks its prey, following their scent, heat signature, noises or whatever and anticipating a proper, bloody meal could serve to build up tension for the readers as well as being a opportunity to deliver some light fluff.
Ya, I think that was all there was to say so far. Now, my personal final verdict is that please, with sprinkles on top, get yourself a proof-reader or change your writting program at least. The continued HORRIBLE grammar mistakes make this painfully hard to read and are the most obvious reason people think all Displaced stories are shite in general. Get rid of those and I see no problem that this could be a good story in the future and something that deserves a place amongst good Displaced stories.
Thank you for your time and effort. m(_ _)m
Katze out!
7636561
Oh sweet Celestia!
I can't feel my sides!
7637013 I laughed.
7637178
Happy to provide amusement.^^
7636277 Wow, way to give feedback. Not. And you're calling the author an amateur.
You guys want a full blown editorial? Well, like I said, I don't even know where to start as it's so poorly done, but let's start with the description that's meant to pull us in as readers:
Of course, that's just the introduction and it's only my first impression of how to fix it. Any real attempt to remedy this would require days or even weeks of editing.
P.S. In case this point has been drowned out from my original comment: NEVER WRITE DISPLACED STORIES!!!! Most of my venom comes from my hatred for Displaced stories and I'm not the only one who considers them to be universally bad.
I'm not going to go over the whole chapter as that would take too long and require too much effort for what amounts to spite, but I will do the first paragraph as it is critical to open the story well:
Now I can't actually edit this anymore because the last sentence is an incomplete thought (among the many other grammatical sins it commits). But, like with the introduction, this would require significantly more work than someone's follow up comment.
7637676
>> Voices his spite for both the story AND the author
>> Edits the story
Cyanide.
7636294
You know, I had some respect for you. I saw that you had actually taken the time to come to the aid of a new author against someone who had legitimate criticisms but worded them harshly. Then I saw this:
Help me talk down this meanie pants who hurt someone's feelings!
You actually called in your followers to help you fight your battle. You can go ahead and take the moral high ground all you want but the fact that you called in reinforcements says that your confidence in yourself was so low that you had to call for help. That is so pathetic.
You know, you accused me of "borderline bullying" in your first response to me. What's closer to bullying? A single, not very influential, unpopular user harshly criticizing another user on a similar level? Or a much larger, significantly more influential, relatively popular user calling in his followers to help him talk down to a much smaller user he doesn't like?
The fact that most of the criticism against me is a result of someone tampering with the viewership means that your criticisms ring hollow. You can go ahead call me every name in the book, rest assured I don't have a dozen guys I can sick on you whenever I want. But also know that I do not regret anything I've said: I hate Displaced with a burning passion and, as you yourself have pointed out, my complaints are legitimate.
7638007 You are made of cyanide. No wonder you are so sour.
You know, I gotta ask, laddie. Why you being a dickhead to everyone? I mean, seriously. Does that get you off?
I like how your calling him pathetic, but then you go and insult someone such as Lockgate. You, my good man, are pathetic
.
That was not criticizing, what you were doing. That was declaring your spite for both the story and the Author for doing the story.
Ok, and thats fine. I hate Futa stories that somehow make it to the fucking Featured Box every fucking week but you don't see me going onto those stories and declaring my hatred for those stories and the Author for doing it (I only dislike some of the authors, most of them are actually pretty decent). No, instead, I keep my damn opinions to myself because its better for everyone that way.
7636277 you my friend are a dick! Dammit I don't have a richard nixon picture... Ah well.
7638218 nice man! Damn! You ripped into him like I rip in to donuts! I love donuts...
7638007 you know, everyone has to start somewhere. At least HE has two stories while you have none. So shut your fucking mouth about your fuckin criticism. He at least tried. A bet you weren't so good during your first time at ANYTHING. Much less Stories. Or sex.
Sooo.. I read the story. Yeah, you could use an editor. But good job none the less. Keep on going man! You have my attention!
>> Tamerlane1405.
You dare insult my reader's, the one's who came here for a good story, even if it is badly written they came here to be entertained. NOT to be insulted by some fuck nut who thinks he's King of the hill!
Criticize me in anyway you like; brutal honesty, rude, gentle, subtle I don't care. But don't insult my reader's.
You dare call Dark Chocolate pathetic! He has thirteen story's under his belt! How meny do you have? NONE! So don't go around insulting people for what they do or what genre they write! You knew what you where getting into when you saw "Displaced" in the description you've said it yourself you don't like them, how dare you walk in here and lashout because of your own stupidity!
And you don't even check the situation or the circumstance's of the author. I have to use notepad, NOTEPAD! Not everyone has the luxury of Microsoft word and it's autocorrect you toff nosed git! So I think for someone who didn't use autocorrect I think I did a pretty good job!
So before you run your mouth like a dick head you should get your facts straight, or better yet, DON'T BE A DICK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
>> Dark Chocolate
>> The Dark Soul
And all of those who defended me you have my up most thanks and my respect, if any of you need any help with story idea's or how to continue the one's you got now or just need to talk to someone don't hesitate to PM me and I'll reply with the speed of the gods (which means when ever I get the time. Life and it's constant drilling's tend to get in the way)
7639002 Well said. And no problem, lad. I got your back
.
7639002 NOTEPAD?! Dude I'm so sorry, you have my respect for sticking through it. However you can make a google account and use google docs editor, it's not the best but its something. Also there's a group on here called Struggling Author and also Looking For An Editor. Both groups might be willing to edit for you given the circumstances.
7639002
So you have been reduced to name calling! You know, you should really be thanking me. Without me this story would've gotten just as much attention as your other story: none. Now, 100% thanks to me, you're getting editing offers, support, and a lot more ratings than most new authors can dream of (even if a lot of them are still negative).
Weird how everyone who has commented against me has attacked me for my tactics, not the fact that this story was poorly written. I'm more used to defending myself against people who say stuff along the lines of "you're wrong because..." not the simple "fuck you." These attacks get less and less coherent as time goes on. Then again, you're all only here because some guy saw a single harshly worded comment and decided that it was pressing enough to let the world know about it. Imagine if the entire internet was like that, oh, wait.
By the way, that double arrow button at the top right of my comment is what you press in order to respond to me directly. And before you jump on the self righteous bandwagon that everyone else is on (which you already have), just remember that no one has criticized my points, only my tactics. Your story was not well written. My argument, whether you want to accept it or not, has been universally accepted. I'm only being attacked because apparently I was mean about it, in other words, ad hominem attacks.
And google docs is free. I suggest you use that.
7639526
>> Attempts to end an argument
>> Incites another argument by insulting both parties.
More Cyanide.
7639279 An argument is like a Democracy. If the majority is against you, then you lose.
Get out.
7640073
Since when has this been an argument? No one has argued against the points I brought up. It is now and always has been you and a series of other FIMfiction users throwing insults at me. Weird because I never broke any of FIMfictions rules. You, however, have:
General rule #1:
No personal attacks, in public or otherwise.
Please point to a single response where you did something BESIDES directly insult me. The fact that you're now telling off someone who's trying to mediate the disagreement speaks volumes.
7640127
This whole sentence right here is an insult to the Author himself. Ill refer you to my last, now.
7640152
Although I'm just as eager as you to put this behind me, I feel like I should respond as this is the first time you have tried to objectively attack me with something besides "fuck you."
This is attacking the story, not the author. You yourself along with everyone else who decided to cyberbully me into silence has universally agreed that this statement is true.
The author himself has said this is a Displaced story. God forbid I hold a negative opinion of Displaced.
So when you say that I'm insulting the author I assume this is what you meant. Let's look at the dictionary definition of "amateur" shall we:
a person who engages in a study, sport, or other activity for pleasure rather than for financial benefit or professional reasons.
Unless this guy's getting paid, which I can personally guarantee he's not, this statement is objectively accurate.
And now we have my opinion, one stating that, thanks to all the elements working against the author, his story will likely not work out. According to you this is the worst sin I could possibly commit but hey, that's just your opinion.
So, unlike you, I have not openly attacked another user for committing the sin of using strong words. I use this site under one simple rule: if you can get reported for doing it, don't do it. Harshly criticizing a story is not against the rules so I am well within my right to do it. Cyber bullying is not.
7640302
I don't remember ever agreeing with you. Also, we are not cyberbullying you, we are defending this dude from your cyberbullying.
Then why did you fucking read it, pendejo? Seriously, you knew what you were getting into when you clicked the damn first chapter and began reading.
Now your just covering your ass. You know how you meant it, your just trying to seem innocent in front of anyone late to the party. You actually meant it as an insult, especially with how you worded it.
Fucking hell, your bringing my headaches back. I am not even gonna say anything about this one because it brings out your retardation and actually boosts my side of the argument even more as you just admitted to bullying the dude.
7640419
Your attacks have devolved into nothing more than insults, strawmen, self-righteousness, and utter contempt for someone who has committed the sin of wording his argument in a way that hurt your feelings!
We're done here.
7640651
7640419
7639181
7639158
7639002
7638376
7637260
7636660
Enough. This is done. Either ignore the people you don't like or be polite with your disagreements. Next person to try to get the last word in and continue arguing like this gets a short ban.
7639526
This guy gets it.
7640663 aight. No prob.
Aw crap... I'm not gonna get banned for saying that, am I?
7640663 Very well then. I shall move on.
PlsdontbanmeIamnotarguinganymoreIamsimplytellingyouIunderstandandwillcomply.