• Published 22nd Sep 2016
  • 879 Views, 29 Comments

Illicit Snacks - tosety

Human snacks are illegal. Thus, there is now a black market for snack food.

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“The War on Processed Foods” Part 1 (by Discord’s Advocate)

You sat down after your evening dinner, the Pony News Network was just finishing today’s weather. Finally, everypony’s favorite reporter, Lars Lars Pantsonfars started his show. It would always be a few minor segments of news, followed by one major long news segment about a very important subject.

“I am your host, Lars Lars Pantsonfars, and thank you for tuning in. For tonight’s program, we will be looking into the long-term effects the Elements of Harmony have had on debatably-human and celebrity, Donald Trump, the infamous creature who first stepped through the portal into Equestria, presumably because ‘he got dibs.’”

The segment displayed the image of a pig with a very nice toupee.

“As we all remember, the Elements of Harmony took one look at the creature stepping into the portal and presumed he was some evil beast invading their realm.”

The picture showed the well-dressed human being blasted by the Elements of Harmony before cutting to another image.

“For our second segment, we’ll be looking into the Equestrian space program, with an exclusive interview with Equestria’s first astronaut.”

You watch the screen cut to a preview of the interview with the famous ‘Rocketcolt.’

“Aaaaaaaaaagh!” he screamed into the microphone in sheer horror before running back into his house, the door slamming on its own, leaving several bewildered reporters looking at each other.

The screen cut back to Pantsonfars. “Ha ha ha. What a brave guy. But in our main segment, a in depth look into the war on human snacks.”

Dun dun duuuuun! The program sounded as it displayed a fiery computer graphic with the segment title.

As Pantsonfars spoke the background displayed several related clips of video footage. Blurred pictures of candy bars, coated candies, and a variety of melty delicious chocolates.

“It is still unknown how these highly restricted products are making their way onto Equestrian soil, despite measures to intercept smuggling through the portals.”

The segment displayed a picture of the portal to the human world as what was obviously two humans in a two-person horse-costume exited the portal. The lead human controlled the front legs and head, while the rear human controlled the back legs and barrel. They near-stumbled to the security checkpoint. The costume had a goofy face and unmatching scribbles on either flank displaying a mock cutiemark. The false horse carried two overstuffed saddlebags, one displaying an extra large roll of sweet-tarts sticking out the side. As it approached the guard whom normally inspect the bags, a hand reached out from the back end of the costume, giving a guard a Mars Bar before continuing through security uninhibited. In the corner of the screen, the words ‘A Dramatization’ were displayed unobtrusively.

“Truly a mystery. Like an invisible smuggling operation, and all we know is they are being found, consumed, distributed, and hoarded by ponies all over the nation.”

The segment then displayed everyday ponies from various backgrounds being caught by guard raids into their homes, by arrests on the street, and with one pegasus being chased in the sky as she consumed a 5th Avenue bar. A thestral being escorted off a college campus holding an empty jar of Jif peanut butter like her life demanded it after accidentally burning down the school building when she performed a live demonstration of her research.

“Of all the threats facing Equestria. From Changelings, Tirek, King Sombra, the Spice Girls reunion, this confectionary invasion may truly by the darkest days Equestria has ever faced. More after the break.”

You leaned in to watch today’s show. The ‘War on Human Snacks