This is my story of how I went to the land of Equestria and lived out the brony dream. Yet I wish I didn't
Chapters (2)
Bright_Star
Joined 15th Mar, 2012 ·
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There are lots of grammar and spelling errors. Ask someone to edit your stories for you and proof-read it.
and it's not a very original concept you're using. But I wish you good luck.
I stopped reading when you used "cause" outside of dialogue. That isn't a real word. You also need to format this correctly with paragraphs.
As Negatorian07 said, the concept isn't very original either, but keep trying!
yeah well good luck.
Desperately in need of a proofreader. Good luck trying to be unique, you have a LOT of competition.
its ok, but it needs work. i really like the concept though.
Please get a proofreader.
...
Self insert.
Poor spelling/grammar.
Seems to me like it MAY be wish fulfillment.
Oh lord... Please, for everyone's sake, improve your English skills, and TRY to be original, and for the love of all that is holy, DON'T MAKE YOUR CHARACTER A GARY STU.
Imma gonna let you finish, but I feel it's necessary to add some constructive criticism here.
First off, learn to use the spellcheck. Seriously. There are too many spelling mistakes in your work.
Secondly, the wrong words being used for the wrong thing. "Your" & "you're" mean two different things. One implies ownership, the other is a contraction meaning "you are". I'll leave it up to you to figure out the difference.
Thirdly, you need a proofreader. The language used is a little clunky and there are major structural issues. Properly used, language should flow. At the very least, you should read it aloud after writing. Anything that sounds unnatural should be changed.
And finally, this is seriously coming off like a self-insertion fic. You know the kind. Person loves a certain show / book / movie and then totally goes Mary Sue all over the place.
Now for the good parts. So far, I like the idea. It's not necessarily the most original out there but it does show some promise. One thing I will ask is please do us all a favour and don't finish this off by using the cop-out ending of he wakes up at the end of the story and realises it was all a dream. That's story writing 101 that should never be done unless you can completely justify it and the main character learns something from this.