A British Army Royal Engineer is met with a peculiar phenomenon whilst on tour. Unknown to him, he will find himself stranded in a strange new world which seems to be shifting around him. Will he be able to adapt to this new world?
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I feel as though there are some missed opportunities in this interlude. It's not bad, I don't want to give that impression, but we get very little impression of what John's observer thinks or feels about the situation, the vast cultural, technological, hell, even sexual differences between the two species. Perhaps this is an artifact of how the information is being transferred, but it feels slightly disconnected.
Again, this is only an opinion, but a couple of things I thought of were...
The rate at which modern battlefield combatants have to process vast amounts of information is pretty stunning, and would be particularly bewildering for someone trained in the kind of engagements that ponies would be expected to serve in. This would be good to elaborate on.
Modern combat is hours of boredom connected by scant minutes of pants shitting terror. I'm not saying Pre-Industrial combat was any less brutal mind you, but on the modern battlefield people die FAST. You did a good job of illustrating the frenetic pace of modern combat but the stark difference between Pre-Industrial fighting (where typically each combatant is a warrior and individual skill plays a great deal into who lives and who dies) and modern fighting (where combatants are soldiers in the truest sense of the word, trained to operate as a unit who's sole purpose is to kill the enemy like a murder factory, and where a single mistake from an experienced combatant can result in a 7.62mm retirement plan). Hell, none of these ponies has even seen a combat situation. It would be interesting to see if some of them develop mild PTSD from having it thrust on them.
Emotional overtones could bleed through. I mean, we get bits of his thoughts, certainly emotional overtones would be interesting to see. How an alien processes emotions, love, friendship, fear, so on... these are things that ponies could compare and contrast. How alien it is. Herd vs. "tribe". You know? One idea that I had and implemented in QC is that in a herd the individual sacrifices for the greater good, whereas with human, "tribal" reaction is the exact opposite it seems. Fifty people will put themselves in personal danger to save one individual that's part of the tribe. Individuals OUTSIDE the tribe can become almost dehumanized. Think about how ALIEN this would feel to ponies. It makes for interesting material.
Anyway, like I said, there's nothing wrong with what you wrote. These are just some thoughts I had, and I figured I'd share with you since you voiced an interest in improving your story. My intent is merely to provoke thought that may translate into ideas you can turn into good writing, use as many or as few as you wish.
Thanks for writing.
7623524 Thanks very much for your feedback, I do appreciate it.
I have some thing in mind in order to develop from this and am currently working on it.
Hopefully what I'm working towards will improve on some of those issues.
Man the gas chamber, my god the gas chamber
7754038
Best nasal decongestant I ever had.
7913798 watching those that used to smoke was the best seeing them cough up all the tar. I was unfourtunate enough to be immune to CS gas which earned me special treatment from the DS in the form of getting smoked till my asshole was sucking buttermilk
love if they saw a10 warthog, and m1 abrams in dream.
Seriously missed the opportunity to just blow John's mind:
Luna: "So, you really don't think I can control the moon? Why not Just point to where you like me to move it? "
John: ""
8344523
What’s that noise, *looks up* BBBBRRRRRRTTTTTTT