How to Escape from Tartarus

by The Engineer Pony

Chapter 1 - The Idea

“Hey, I have an idea!”

Rainbow Dash turned to gaze wearily at the excited pony sitting next to her. Pinkie Pie jittered with barely-controlled energy, her eyes bright with the joy of whatever strange, new thought had wormed its way into her mind. Her mane quivered even more than her body; it twitched delightedly almost as if it were alive. A broad smile completed the typical cheerful image of Equestria’s happiest pony.

Even though she was chained to the floor of a dungeon in Tartarus.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash sat atop a jagged spire of stone amid the massive cavern of the prison. On two sides, the rock formation rose to sharp pinnacles high above the round plateau on which the ponies rested. In the other two directions they could see the steep drop down to the unforgiving floor of Tartarus far below. Only a narrow pathway of crumbling steps provided access to the secluded tower.

Dash sighed. “Pinkie, I told you already: I’m not going to listen to any more of your ideas.”

“But this one is super-duper amazing!” Pinkie started jumping up and down in her excitement, seemingly oblivious to the weight of the chains clamped to her hooves.

“That’s what you said about your last idea.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes in exasperation. “And look how well it turned out.” She raised a hoof and rattled her shackles loudly.

“But this one’s even better! And it makes up for the unfortunate—and completely unforeseeable—consequences of my last idea.”

“Seriously?” Dash asked. “Let’s see. You convinced me to help you kidnap Twilight, which led to us being chased down not only by our friends, but also by royal guards and two very angry alicorn princesses. Yeah, there was no way I could have seen that coming. I don’t know why I ever let you talk me into something so stupid.”

“You forgot to mention,” Pinkie added eagerly, “the fact that when we were captured, Twilight suddenly vanished right under our noses, even though the poison joke should have kept her from using magic, causing everypony to worry that something really bad had happened to her and making Celestia mad enough to lock us up in Tartarus!”

“Right, I forgot,” replied Dash. “That makes your idea sound so much better.”

“Really?” Pinkie Pie tilted her head in confusion. “I thought it showed a curious lack of foresight on my part for the legal ramifications of our actions.” Pinkie paused for a moment, lost in thought. Then she shrugged and continued, “which is why I’ve come up with a new plan! One that will get us out of our current mess and has zero chance of causing us any new problems.”

“You’re not going be quiet until I ask you what your idea is, are you?” Dash asked irritably.

“Nope!” came the happy reply.

There was an awkward pause as neither pony spoke. Then, as Pinkie opened her mouth and took in a huge breath, Dash finally gave in.

“Okay, Pinkie,” she said with exasperated deliberateness, “what’s your idea?”

“We’re going to break out of Tartarus!”

Rainbow Dash smacked her hoof into her forehead.

---

Few creatures could match the power of the immortal alicorns that ruled Equestria. Of those that could, even fewer would ever dare to set themselves against such strength and seek to wrest control of the kingdom for themselves. And only a handful of beings could boast that they had, however briefly, triumphed over the fearsome might of the princesses and become the sole power in Equestria.

Lord Tirek was one of those select few. For a short time, he had taken the magic not only of the princesses and of Discord, but also that of every pony in all the land. There had been one shining moment when Tirek had reigned supreme, without equal, without opposition. And even if his time as Equestria’s conqueror had been short, still the memory of his victory haunted the nightmares of his enemies.

And yet here he was in Tartarus, forced to listen to the incessant babbling of an over-excited, silly, and altogether insane pony.

“So you’re the only pony I know who’s ever escaped from Tartarus,” the pink pony rambled. “Well, I guess technically you’re not a pony, you’re more of a centaur. I could say you’re the only centaur I know who’s broken out of Tartarus, but I guess that doesn’t have the same impact if you’re the only centaur I know. Ooh! Are there other centaurs besides you? Are they also really good at breaking out of prisons? Is that like something all centaurs are good at?”

Tirek gave a low snarl. The bubbly pony staring at him through the bars of his cage fell momentarily silent in response. “Are you trying to be humorous?” Tirek growled.

“No, I’m trying to be Pinkie Pie,” she cheerfully responded.

“And does being Pinkie Pie involve making the most despicable location in Equestria an even less tolerable place to be?” Tirek took two deliberate steps forward. He leaned toward Pinkie Pie until only the bars on his cage separated the two. His eyes bored into hers with all the malice that a millennium in prison could foster.

Pinkie Pie did not even blink. She merely reached a hoof behind her and grinned.

Then she abruptly stuffed a cupcake in Tirek’s mouth.

“Mmph!” The centaur jerked back in shock. He swallowed and then continued, “What is this?”

“It’s a cupcake,” said Pinkie Pie. “I keep them stored all over Equestria. In case of baked-good emergency.”

“How did you do that?” Tirek demanded. “No pony can use magic inside of Tartarus. Princess Celestia herself placed a disabling spell on this cave.”

“Really?” Pinkie Pie tilted her head in curiosity. “I didn’t know that. Ooh, maybe that’s why it didn’t affect me. What else can you tell me about this place’s security?”

“The chains used here are made of the strongest metal in Equestria and are enchanted to be nigh unbreakable,” Tirek said. “I doubt even dragon fire could melt through them.”

“Interesting. So how come you were able to escape?”

“It took all of the strength and cunning of—hold on.” Tirek frowned. “Why should I reveal to you the secret methods I discovered throughout centuries of concentrated effort? Why should I disclose to you the subtle arts of the greatest being in Equestria?”

“Because then I’ll be quiet and stop bothering you?” came the reply.

Tirek paused for a moment. The offer was tempting. “As insufferable as you are,” he said carefully, “I refuse to aid one of the ponies who returned me to this prison. Be gone, you worthless creature!”

“Okie-dokie,” Pinkie said, without a trace of insincerity. “Thanks for all of your not helping me.” With that, she turned away from Tirek, skipped forward, and jumped off of the stone precipice before her.

Tirek gaped in astonishment. He squeezed his torso through the bars of his cage and tried to peer down into the depths beneath him. All he could see was the lifeless gray floor of Tartarus barely perceptible through the darkness. There was no sign of the suicidal pony.

With a scowl, Tirek pulled his head and upper body back into his cage. His absentminded gaze happened to fall on the next stone tower over, the home of Tartarus’ newest inmates. There sat a lonely blue pegasus, who no doubt was still trying to comprehend the sudden demise of her fellow prisoner. Tirek listened for the inevitable anguished scream that would come when the pony saw her friend had tragically fallen—no, had jumped unashamedly—to her inevitable doom on the ground below.

But next to the pegasus stood a happy pink earth pony. Despite the shackles binding her hooves to her stony prison, she laughed without a care in the world.

There was no indication she had ever come over to bother Lord Tirek.

Comments

[superfun]

I hope this story involves RD and Pinkie Pie somehow getting Twilight to tell the others the truth of what she did.

[Raistlin]

Foolish Princesses, no prison can hold the Pink One

[Born-From-Black-Lightnin]

I really don't know weather to be Amused, disappointed or insulted that the Alicorn sister thought that they could keep Pinkie locked up in Tartarus for very long.

[Kevin Lee]

Pinkie Pie: "Of course, I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. "
Rainbow Dash: "Now why didn't I think of that?"

[BringBackSonicSatAM]

“Okay, Pinkie,” she said with exasperated deliberateness, “what’s your idea?”
“We’re going to break out of Tartarus!”

They're Pinkie and the Dash!
Yes, Pinkie and the Dash!
One is insane, the other is brash!
They have so much at stake, with this prison break!
They're dinky, they're Pinkie and the Dash, Dash, Dash, Dash, Dash!