Element of Conflict

by bnewton

The Ali-Earth Colt

It was a bright, midsummer's afternoon. The CMC Hospital (Colt + Mare Care) only has one patient today, she is laying on a white hospital bed, caressing a little colt that was just born. The mare-turned-mother, holding her little filly, had to look away when her son's eyes opened, for his eyes were shining a little too bright to be natural.

Ten years pass...

Two foals are fighting over a ball, which is designed to show the sky's appearance during all hours of the day/night cycle.

"Hey, that's my ball!"

"Not anymore it isn't, Freakface!"

"HEY!"

The two Schoolfoals looked up to see a disgruntled Pinkie Pie glowering down at them. The one who was so hatefully called Freakface brushed his flowing sunset-orange mane out of his eyes, making sure to stare into Pinkie's eyes. The other one had a tiara on her head, which was slightly off-center, noticing this, she straightens it. Pinkie pie says "That's no way for little foals to behave! In fact, that's the opposite of what you should be doing!"

Diamond Tiara says "Well, excuse me, but sunny eyes over here tried to take this ball from-"

The glowing eyed colt uses this excellent opportunity to swipe the ball from Diamond Tiara, saying "My name is Setshine, miss Tiara. And if you don't mind, I'll be taking MY ball back now. If you want it, you're going to have to play a little nicer than that." And with that, he walked away, kicking his ball with a nasty look on his face..

"Pinkie pie?"

"What is it Cheerilee?"

"I'll handle Diamond Tiara's punishment from here. I suggest you look for Setshine."

"Okie dokie lokie!" And with that, Pinkie bounced away, looking for Setshine, who, for all his brightness of eyes, had managed to sneak away.

I brush my dirty yellow coat with my hooves in the river, shivering. How DARE Diamond Tiara even think to touch my sky ball. Nopony will touch it, much less take it from me without being even close to family! Nopony has touched my ball after my parents died in the sun's fiery depths! Nopony... but me...

Urgh, I hate dwelling on things, it just makes me angrier. I suppose I'll take a look at my sky ball, and see if I can't devise a plan to take down the sky-born sisters. Of all the mistakes they may have made in their lifetimes, I bet this will be the one they'll regret most. They will regret sending my parents to burn for protecting me! To BURN. BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!!!" I turn around, and OH MY BLANK FLANK THERE WAS A PONY LISTENING! I turn my head forward and run, run faster than I ever had before.

By the time I look over my shoulder, I realize I'm no longer being followed by that pink pony. Okay, where am I now? Apple trees, Apple trees... Sweet Apple Acres? I turn my head to the right, well, there's a dirt road now, uhm... I guess I'll follow it. A few minutes pass and I meet a clearing with a tree house in it. Seems legit. Okay, maybe if I back away slowly, I can manage to not disturb the occupants inside...

Clearly, the cosmos hates me, for three fillies jump out yelling "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DETECTIVES, YEAH!" They stop dead in their tracks as a pink pony jumps out of the house at me.

"Hey Setshine, you forgot your ball!" I look up and see the pink pony, won't she ever leave me alone? Wait, did she say something about my ball? She... has my ball?!

...

...,I really, really, REALLY hate mondays. Did I mention today was monday? Sorry, but my life is bound to be bad on a monday for whatever reason. So I better just-

"Helloooo? It's really rude to not say anything when somepony is trying to talk to you." So says little miss Pinkster.

"...Ugh. Can I have my ball back, Stalker-pony?"

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say her, as she throws the ball in my face. Rubbing my face with my knee, I find her in my face with that very age-ist look on her face, you know, the one where adults look at a child who's done nothing wrong except be themselves, or tell the truth. I decide against saying anything at this point, deciding instead to stare into her eyes, just for kicks. This staring contest goes on for about 2 seconds. She backs up screaming, with her hoof over her eyes. Hmm... I think I took it a little too far, that, or she's an idiot, either one works.

"Sorry about your eyes, Miss, uh..."

"Pinkie Pie..." she groans.

Oh-kay then, she's gone ahead and got painfully blinded by the miniature suns I call eyes. Did I mention I never lost a staring contest? Well, heh, can't say that was very smart of Pinkie Pie here... Still, she does need some help getting to the hospital now...

The three fillies came bounding over to Pinkie Pie. The orange one with a purple mane looked at me, and wisely looks towards my hooves and not my face. She says "What did you do that for? Freak!"

Well that seals the deal. "I WAS going to lead her to the hospital but just for that, you can do it yourself, Jerk!" I say, turning around and wrapping my tail around my sky ball. With that, I walk off, feeling quite angry.

Of course, foul mood or not, this would still have been a bad day. I think I'll just go rest somewhere I won't be disturbed for the rest of the day.

So off I trot, on a path only I go across. Fortunately, the day will turn to night soon, as the setting sun makes way for the shining moon. That rhyme was also very much intentional, as it was often part of the lullaby my mother used to sing. You want to hear it? I bet you do. Here goes.

Setting sunshine, little one.
Setting sunshine, ball of fun
Show all your friends the reddening sky
In this twilit lullaby
For the sun shall set soon
To make way for the shining moon.
Once the sun touches down
There'll be no reason to frown
Go to sleep little one
As you're our perfect son.
Your eyes so bright, they shall stay
Even ponies passed away,
use your light to banish decay!

Comments

[ThreeZeus]

Uhh... alright. Interesting.

I actually almost want to see where this is going. I can see this becoming either awesome or a brutal train wreck. I really don't know which. A little bit of grammar here and there, but overall that aspect is pretty good.

Writing in a cynical, satirical first person is a huge red flag. Yes, it can be funny, but it's been done to death. Of course, if you can do it well, then you deserve praise, since it's hard to pull off.

And as for the titles... The Element of Conflict and The Ali-Earth Colt are both very cliche sounding. A seventh element is a common recipe in bad self-insert fics.

Admittedly the Ali-Earth thing is new to me, but just because an idea is new doesn't mean it's good. OC Alicorn stories are almost always bad. It's just a topic to avoid... but maybe you're doing that on purpose?

All in all, I think this could actually work if the story doesn't take itself too seriously. But if you were actually trying to write a serious story then uhh... maybe this isn't the best subject matter.

[bnewton]

1175705 I'm sorry good sir, but there is no self-insert, nor is the element of conflict an element of harmony. This is one story of, oh, I don't know, six? These stories in question take place around the same time-ish, and when all of those stories get finished. There will be a finale of sorts, where all six befriend one another, and face an unnamed threat.I'm obviously awesome as Dashie times infinity, so I can't be in a story.