• Member Since 2nd Aug, 2015
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vorxil


T

Princess Luna was looking forward to seeing the changes in Equestria since her banishment and Nightmare Night seemed like a good place to start. Unfortunately, fate had other ideas and now she finds herself stuck in Tartarus-knows-where with an insufferable slob of a creature known as a human. Worse, he refuses to tell her how he knows her name and threatens her with the box if she misbehaves.

At least until Saturday, or so he has promised.


Rated Teen for Language.


Originally one of my emote prompt stories, now expanded upon.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 26 )

This story is great so far. This also reminded me of a gif of Luna in a box on deviantart. Also, Is Luna her full size or the smaller light blue version in this story?

I figured I'd give you a review because I really enjoyed reading this. Like, I have a pretty high standard for fics. Having read so many BadFics, I've gotten more and more critical and read less stories because I can't seem to like them as much. But this was a pretty good and original take on this type of story. I like it. So, have a review, and if you update frequently I'll probably fav it. Pls do.

Anyway, let's get the bad stuff over with. I think you're fine with grammar and don't necessarily need one, or a proofreader too, but I still recommend one. Which, by the way if you need either I could probably help. An editor can find those errors that you look over, which I can tell you there was a few. And a proofreader will help get the story going to the right path. Also, I think you should double space, it's slightly irratating to read as most of the readers on the site are used to double spacing.

I think you're idea isn't really original at all. It's basically taking inspiration from one of the most well known stories in the fandom. So, almost anything you do won't be that original. Like, readers'll see that it's a pony in the human world story and be turned off from reading it. Since they don't read it, they won't do anything to help the fic. With this happening, nothing will really happen to your story. And I assume you'll eventually loose interest because of it. I would.

Now, on to the good parts. I definitely think you put a good twist on the concept. It's something that isn't a pony turned human, isn't some sad story, doesn't have romance, and so on. You're doing well take on an overused concept and making it your own. Trust me, it really is hard to get this right. I've had to deal with plenty Hie and, while not as much, I'd say a few of this kind. My creditials basically force me to look at them (Admin of The Badfic Bin and Overly Stupid Fanfiction, along with a long list of other stuff, so I'd hope I know something about what I'm saying).

You're characterization of Luna is spot on and helps a ton to get this story where it is. Really everything after you're writing after the first thousand words of world building is great. Which could probably have been done over time. But it's still fine. Oh, and the balance of dialogue and description isn't too shabby, so keep that going. Just remember to get you're surroundings in there occasionally.

Lastly, I'm gonna talk about your execution. I think you did it correctly. But I do want to add something I said in a thread about a bad displaced story.

I think one of the main problems about Displaced is execution. Ninety percent of Displaced is some new brony who just joined Fimfiction and wants to include himself/herself in the MLP world. Five percent is just trollfics and military armies or something of the sort fighting them. Then there's like five percent good ones. Like, for example you have this one idea where some guy gets Displaced there and somehow gains immortality. But the kicker is that he somehow misses every event that happens. This gives a more in depth explanation of what would happen.

But, like I said, one of the main reasons they get hate so much is not because its a necessarily bad idea, it's the execution. Having someone who knows everything about MLP and is very intelligent would be great to have there, say Shiro from Log Horizon as a brony. He's an excellent strategist and would have any problem over with in a cinch. But you have so many stories, like the story this thread began off of, giving it a bad name and so everyone generally avoids writing it. Because only a few skilled authors are able to pull off a successful one.

Tl;Dr

Execution is a main mess up in Displaced stories. Every one that does it wrong makes us go:

media.collegetimes.com/uploads/2014/07/buffy-vampire-slayer-eyes-staring.gif

Most stories that are Displaced, whether it be Hie or ponies/human ponies on Earth, usually fail from execution. They put too much focus on one thing, say, how awesome their character is, how much theirs and a mane six character love each other, or just not doing the correct writing things with their story, i.e. writing less than a thousand words per chapter, having their character be OP, writing something original, etc.

But this story doesn't do that and that's great. You've done a fine execution of a new version of an overused concept. That's creating promise, which is something every other needs in a story to make it popular. So, I think (personally), that you should focus on writing this. Don't rush it, let it go as long as you can and keep going with fun and new things to do with each of the characters. There's almost limitless possibilities that you can do here, don't squander that.

7554316 Thanks for the review! A good author responds well to criticism, I believe.

Also, I think you should double space, it's slightly irratating to read as most of the readers on the site are used to double spacing.

Yeah, now that I look at it I see what you mean. After comparing the spacing on FIMFic and OpenOffice Writer, I think the problem is that Writer doesn't use a uniform spacing. The spacing is larger if there's a paragraph change, whereas on FIMFic it's the same all over. So it's very readable in Writer but not as much on FIMFic.

I'll get around to changing that before the next update.

As for proofreading, I usually proofread each chapter twice. Once in Writer and once on FIMFic when formatting. I like to think it catches most errors, but every now and then something slips through. If it persists, I'll consider getting some additional proofreaders and maybe an editor.

I think you're idea isn't really original at all. It's basically taking inspiration from one of the most well known stories in the fandom. So, almost anything you do won't be that original. Like, readers'll see that it's a pony in the human world story and be turned off from reading it. Since they don't read it, they won't do anything to help the fic. With this happening, nothing will really happen to your story. And I assume you'll eventually loose interest because of it. I would.

As Mark Twain once said, "There is no such thing as a new idea," and after six years and hundreds of thousands of fics, we're reaching that point on FIMFic, I think. So I can definitely see people getting turned off at another Human story.

I'm personally trying to avoid going places where other fics that I've read have gone. I know that "pony in a box" is not unheard of, My Little Dashie's one of them. I should really get to reading that one at some point.

But at the end of the day, the original prompt was basically "pony in a box." Any success hinges on people liking the twist I put on it.

7553914 Full, dark-blue size with her royal old Equestrianism and antics.

Well, something you have to think outside the box to get the best results.
Even if you have to put the pony inside.

But say, how big is Luna in relation to Sebastian and the cat?
You said "full size", but how big is "full size" in this context?
Are they, for example, on the same eye-level? (That would result in a big box...)

Nice story.
It's on my tracking list. I'm curious to see where it goes.

7555885 Sebastian's about six feet tall, the cat's head reaches up to slightly below his knees and Luna's eyes are about chest level.

The box doesn't have to be big. Humans can curl up into a ball, after all. Ponies can curl up into a smaller size as well.

7555941

Wait, I'm about five foot eight and a cat's head only reaches to about a foot under my knee. Oh, never mind I think I get the idea. It's their actual size, right? Not something like the size of Dash in My Little Dashie?

7556237 Well I know that if my cat stands on all fours with his head in an upright position, his ground-to-head height is about 16-18 inches, and whenever he strokes my leg he reaches just below the knee.

So about up to the neck of a foal in the show, assuming foals are 2 ft.

3.bp.blogspot.com/-Tq_cz8wV0Q0/U0jztYgNECI/AAAAAAABv2Y/AGbGhZ17pA8/s1600/my-little-pony-%D1%84%D1%8D%D0%BD%D0%B4%D0%BE%D0%BC%D1%8B-mlp-art-696908.png

I think I enjoyed this.

His brows furrowed. "Beast of Nightmares? It's a vacuum cleaner, Luna!"

And I lost it. For over a minute! Thank you!

"Then thine own government. We art technically a foreign diplomat."
"You're far more likely to end up vivisected on a table somewhere than that happening."

Sadly this will even be true...

"Oligarchy with plutocratic tendencies, all disguised as an indirect democracy in the form of a republic. But that's just my opinion."
"How doth thy nation even function," she gaped.

That is actually a very interesting way to describe it.


Nice chapter.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

So I switched over to double spacing instead of inline for paragraphing. Is this more readable for y'all?

I don't see any difference. What exactly did you change?

Other no difference between the spacing of the first and second chapter.
Anywho, I want another chapter. Carrot or stick?

just show her a globe of earth! then show space on internet. then nasa history with travel to space! that high tech we are.

She will have the bed, and commentertainment on the sheets,smell.

Yay, you put out another chapter! I suppose I'll do a review of this too, I need some prime procrastinating material for my own writing.

So I guess I should get the bad stuff out of the way, starting with my confusion with Luna and her holding that knife. I don't know if I just skipped over it or something, but I don't recall there ever being a solid description of how she held it. I would assume that she did so with magic, but I just can't seem to recall any specification to confirm or deny that. So, it's just something small I noticed (or passed over). I also feel like Luna is a little too behind on everything, like I guess I would get it with a regular pony, but she's a Princess and should have a ton of knowledge and commen sense and she's the one afraid of many things throughout this. Though it's fine and all, it just seems like she is getting continuously suspicious and slipping up.

Anyway, let's get on to the good stuff. First off, I wanna give some props for double spacing 'cause it definitely looks and feels better. I especially liked that you didn't reveal what had caused the situation, or even really slightly mentioned it, until like over half way through. It's great that you're taking your time getting through the plot and not doing quick thousand word chapters to get it moving. Having this last will help in the long run since then it'll read a lot better compared to something that was rushed for quick posting and easy stats.

I'm curious how you'll continue with Luna being oblivious to the Brony fandom and the show, while I don't think you should do anything with that yet I do think it would be interesting to see her react to the show itself. Maybe even one of his Brony friends if he had one. Keep it for later if you are going to do it, you're doing a good job of having her experience the world around her. Use that for a bit, like the television or say, that circle thing that cleans your floor (I can't recall what it's called right now).

Keep it up! I'm really enjoying reading this and I hope you will continue to make me laugh with these horse words!

-Till the next one

Rules for Ponies
Don't drink my Coke and don't shit on my carpet
Rules for Ponies

The internet should be a jaw dropper for her.

7623298 i agree with these rules

Nice chapter.
And no, I didn't think it is too cheesy.

Did he take a look at the toilet after Luna used it?
Otherwise he might have an 'interesting' surprise next morning.

But somehow I didn't understand what happened in the ending of this chapter.

confusing ending but awesome story!!!!

I believe I would act more suicidal and less patient if I were experience such things.

Your stories are good.

Well now, colour me intrigued. Good story, good writing, and some excellent plot hooks.
I'm definitely following this one.

More please

Just noticed there was a chapter update - from 2017! I enjoy seeing snarky, Old Ponish-accented Luna interacting with a genre-aware human, so hopefully you'll continue this at some point.

"How doth thy nation even function," she gaped. Inwardly, though, she was hoofpumping for having proven Ares Trot wrong. A diarchy was evidently superior to a democracy.

Because we have grabbed the world by it's balls through OPEC and only a revolution or nuclear war will change that!

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