- Member Since 14th May, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 29th, 2023
Patriot Pony
I’m a Brony since the late of April 2013. I love Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Flitter, Cayenne, and Moonlight Raven. I love metal music and getting along with others.
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Well, that's probably the bluntest intro I've ever read.
Also, the rest of the story has about the equivelant flow of a puddle.
7545752
You shouldn't talk shit about puddles like that
7545785 Why?
All they are are shallow pools of water that will never be big enough for someone to swim in. They're just the leftover remains of a rain that came and went, and they're just going to sit there and evaporate until they never even existed.
#fuckpuddles
7545806
Haha, you're a seal
7545821 I knew that was going to come back and bite me.
7545830
Also I now want to visit the fuck puddle
I'm not feeling it. As fetishes go, I've seen a lot more fringe and perverse, but that's not the problem here. Erotica and porn rely very heavily on language and mood, and neither is being set up properly here. Their dialog is dull and stilted and doesn't lend credence to this being sexy.
It's just narration. Porn is just sex, and erotica is sex with a plot. This is very firmly in the former category, but if porn is not sexy or fun to read, it has nothing else going for it. Dialog doesn't flow and there aren't many descriptors for sights, sound, and smells. No mood.
Regular stories have a character-driven focus and mood is secondary. With porn and erotica, the reverse should be true. The act is more important than the characters. Gleaming Shield could have the personality of a body pillow and it wouldn't matter if it was fun to read. Sadly, due this story's basic construction, word usage, and no mood, I'm gonna pass.
I made a little bit of adjustments with the plot of the story.
I don't feel it, at all.
The dialog is dull and emotionless. I can't believe what's going on and it feels overall opposite of what this is tries to deliver: being sexy.
But hey, learn from this and better yourself for next time.
What`s missing? And I`ll try to write something I miss.
secure.static.tumblr.com/9369fd94d851066f039415d96032d8e1/cz7plmj/UORnukupq/tumblr_static_filename_640_v2.png
Despite the fact he was literally just fondling her, he has to stop! Because reasons...
7546113
This was an interesting story. I liked it!
I find it truly amusing that so many people are trying to justify and criticize a pony porn fic.
Just some more changes. Hope it goes well!
7546258
Downvoting somebody because they like something you don't is not cool, guys, no matter how badly written it is. :/
7553738 That is a good line. I hadn't actually even known that people were upvoting or downvoting my comment. Still, this was a good story. Respect it.
You appear to be in need of an editor, might I offer my services?
nice cover art
7609999 It`s not mine, it`s from Indigosfm on e621 and Derpibooru.org.
I'll say this about this fic: it sounds really funny when you type it into a text-to-voice program, like this: link
Can i plz get the link to the pick plz
7659607 It`s from the artist Indigosfmworks on Derpibooru.net.
Dont you mean little sister?
there is no ponies around.
mouth pulling gently on her tit,
causing her to moan a little loud, giving her a tease.
Gleaming moans a little loud, as if she`s still trying keep quiet.
Michael wraps around her, and felt her body had gotten warm from milking her tits.
7661917
Can you make a sequel to the story that involves impregnation and pregnancy