I'll be getting angry letters for this one...
Two brothers some how wake up in the land of magic and ponies. But these aren't you're average brothers, these are two bonified gangstas. This is the tale of Mo' Kong and Rex Abbadon. With the help of various characters from our beloved show these two "men" begin to live and learn in a place they want nothing to do with. Through perilous adventures and wacky antics Mo' and Rex might just learn the Magic of Friendship and perhaps they'll just find their way home in the process.
Chapters (4)
you know who's gonna get letters for this? fucking me
THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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If you'll excuse me I'm going to go drown myself.
Okay, uhhh... I don't even know where to begin with this... Look, it was a respectable attempt, and it wasn't horrible but it certainly ranks along with below average. Okay, I get that you were trying to write "gangstas" so to speak, but every outlandish act the performed had absolutely no driving force rhyme or reason behind it. To put it simply, you gave them no street background, no... well anything. The character type you've opted to slap on these two (as much as I hate using this word is): nigga. It was as though you just cobbled up an amalgamation of black stereotypes and slapped it into Equestria.
Now, don't get it twisted, there were certainly a plethora of errors in the tet alone, almost as though you couldn't be bothered to go through spel check for some minor, yet frequent mistakes. I won't point them out, but they're certainly in there. Also you don't seem to grasp the concept of "tense" if you will. Most of the story is written in past tense, but there are numerous occasions where you've opted to slip into present tense, and some of it quite badly orchestrated at that. Now present tense isn't wrong by any means, but in a story, you should stick to one type of voice so as not to irritate the reader. I recommend you go through and fix that... like nowish. Aside from that you surprised me by having a decent grasp of written english bogged down only my a multitude of minor crap.
I won't vote your story up or down, but you receive a generous "meh" from me. Stop abusing the word "nigga" as well, it makes you sound ignorant via your writing. As a black man, let me tell you that we have other words to refer to members of our skin color persuasion, I reccomend you find out what they are.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist.
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The next thing you should publish is a book of letters about this.
Aw sheet neighga, dem folk up in da stables, runnin' that hay.
809830
Did...did I just get an actual crit for this?
But to confirm your suspicions, yes I do not spell check. I also didn't proofread because I hate reading. A lot. =D
this is the first ganster HiM iv seen keep this up
lol keep these up
For those of you that aren't being Haters: I might be able to get Chaptah 5 out in the next day or so. However it might be a week or more til Chaptah 6 since I'll be away at Bronycon. Who knows, maybe Lauren Faust and other writers will give me some tips on how to make it even more offensive. =D