A new time and a new world
I slowly awoke from, what I could imagine, being unconsciouses. Not sure how I got this way, but I decided to try and sit up and take a look around. However, my head was aching and my legs were sore.
"Ugh." I weakly said, shaking my head. I tried to take a look around, but my vision was blurry and I was unable to hear well. From what I could see, it was a forest. The forest itself didn't seem like one I knew, but it was still hard for me to see. I tried to stand up, doing it very slowly.
I was in pain, and was wondering how I got here.
"First things first, find out where I am." I thought to myself. I waited until my vision returned. Once my vision returned enough to see, I looked around and saw the forest I was in. It was a forest that was blanketed with trees and I wasn't able to see the sky. It was quiet with no sound, and it smells like wood and leaves. It didn't look like a forest I've seen, but it was dark and hard to tell.
"First thing's first Twilight. Find a landmark." I told myself out-loud. I started to walk, trying to find a path to follow, with no luck. I kept walking, trying to remember what happened. I'm just guessing I got here due to something happening, perhaps a prank from Pinkie? My memory was really hazy, and all I see is a bright flash of light, then nothing. I continued to walk until I saw light, which I assumed was the end of the forest.
"Thank Celestia", I said under my breath. As I walked towards the end of the forest, my hope was shattered. What I saw, I didn't recognize any of it. At first I thought I was in the Everfree forest, but I realized that this wasn't it. The landmarks were all wrong! I've never seen any of these! I started to panic and hyperventilate. No, this can't be. Where am I? I didn't see this place on any of the maps. Something was very wrong. I then slapped myself.
"Calm down Sparkle! Think logically. There has to be a reason for this!" I told myself. I manged to calm down enough to try and think about where I was. However, before I could continue thinking, I noticed a small village. This village was not like any I've seen before. It was very old and rustic, and the buildings were much different then I've seen. It looked, old and out of place, like it was out of time. Maybe who ever lived in this village could point me to where I needed to go. I begun to walk towards the village, hoping to finally get some answers.
The area around the village was covered with grass on a plains, and I could see the forest I came out of behind me. Something about this place looked familiar, but very different at the same time. I saw a sign outside the village. It said, 'Aeston'. That must be the name of this village. I entered Aeston, and I saw ponies of all kinds. However, the clothing they were wearing was, strange. It was made of what I thought was cloth, metal, and a bit of other kinds of fabric. I entered the town, but then I realized how bad of an idea that was.
"Why is everyone starting at me?" I thought to myself. They were looking at me as if they have never seen an alicorn before. And then it hit me.
"What if this village is isolated and they never seen an alicorn?" I thought to myself again. Just then, I saw what I assumed were guards walking towards me.
"Buck!" I said and I started to run. They begun to chase after me. \
"What did I do! Why am I being chased by guards? Do they not know who I am?" I questioned while I ran. Maybe it was because I was an alicorn and in a strange town? I begun to look at several signs and I wasn't able to read half of them. I kept running, ducking into an alley way. I hide and saw the guards run past, giving me a short break. I looked on the ground, and saw what appeared to be a newspaper. I wasn't able to read all the words, but one thing caught my eye, a date. It wasn't the right year. As a matter of face, it was over three thousand years before Celestia's reign!
"But, how? What? How did I get here. This can't be right?" I said, starting at the date, hoping my eyes were playing tricks on me. To my dismay, it was the truth. I have no idea how I ended up so far back, but it would make sense. The landmarks being wrong, the village looking so old, and being chased by guards for being an alicorn. I needed to get some of my priorities straight. I needed to hide the fact i'm an alicorn if I wanted to get any where without being chased. So, while inside the alley I was in, I looked around for something to cover my wings. The only thing I saw was an old cloak sitting on the ground. It was raggy and old, but also had a hood to cover my face. I quickly put on the old thing and left the alley. There were still guards all over the place, so I kept hidden and kept walking. It was slowly becoming night, which, without the princesses controlling the moon, I had no idea how. But I needed to find a place to sleep. I knew I didn't have any money, but I found a small bridge that I went under for the night. The underside had a small stick, about walking size, and several old boxes and rags.
I used the old boxes and rags to make a bad, and I decided I would take this stick with me in order to blend in with my disguise better. I begun to fall asleep, as I knew I would need the energy. I had a very long day beginning tomorrow, and I wasn't sure what was going to happen.
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Not bad, but not good. I would have liked to see some more conflict with the inhabitants of this timeline; if this is so far back, common Equestrian language probably doesn't exist anymore, and we can certainly see from the show that Equestrian has evolved over time because of Luna's 'ye olde' speech patterns.
Basically my only complaint.
That said, I kind of want to see how this goes.
7518916 I would have loved to, but I can't, for the life of me, type that. I could try and edit it and see if I could
good start, part of me hopeing it end up with twilight being mother of both princess,
I hope you keep this story going, I watt to see where its headed.
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Maybe ye'olde speech is just royal speech? Not something ponies use in everyday life?
7520647 What I was getting at, is that if Twilight is back a full like 2 thousand years, because Celestia's probably that old seeing as her appearance during her dual with Nightmare Moon and her appearance in current times are the same, then those ponies back then probably speak something that is the language that Equestrian came from. Basically, they'd all be speaking old Frankish or fuckin old English.
That's just my idea, and that's what I would have done because it would have given a real idea of how long ago it was and added a nice tone of mystery, since she can't talk to anyone.
This is a fantastic story concept, and if you keep at this, you could have an awesome epic story on your hands. However, get yourself an editor as soon as possible. Something as simple as grammar can make or break a story, and yours is unfortunately subpar. I have definitely seen stories go from bad grammar to masterpieces, though, so keep at it!
The story seems rather rushed and lacking on detail. I like the idea and it's a good base for a story, maybe have a look at some of the older terms used though? From what the shows writers have said the time before the princesses was based on the dark ages from our own time though loosely many of the terms apply.
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Thank you! After I have read over it a few times, I do agree I rushed this first chapter. I'll try and find me an editor
Not bad, a little bit more of detail would help, like the contents of the newspaper, or of what was made said newspaper considering the time, that helped detail the date. Also, it would be a good idea to see a little bit more of this world, how the species treat each other out, social castes, etc.
So far you have the idea and now the structure, all you need now is the world building.
There's a couple spelling errors, like this.
Celestia, and breath. Breathe is spelled right, but you meant breath. All in all, good so far though.
7527662 Oops. Thanks
7527693 If you need aan editor still I recommed editors r us because instead waiting for them to reply to an editor request you can contact them directly. https://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editors-r-us
Well, I basically played spin-the-bottle and read this one.
Some thoughts starting off. The beginning is rushed. Very little description is given to anything, leading barely any pictures being formed in my head as I read. I'd definitely consider slowing things down, spending more time giving us an idea as to what things look, what her surroundings are like, and so. As it stands now, it feels mostly empty, without anything to really provoke our imaginations.
Aside from that, the only other thing I'd like to address are a few awkward sentences and the like.
You say indicate her vision even though you just explained that it was her vision she was waiting for, so you really don't need it the second time.
I think that bit at the end is a typo.
This sentence is present tense, yet everything else is past tense.
Anyway, I'll take a look at something else of yours some time soon as well.
7669157 Thanks for that. Chapter 2 should hopefully feel less rushed :)
god I hope this updates!
7692369 Dont we both hope
*Cringe* I know first-person stories can be difficult to write, but this is very stilted. It seems more like Twilight is simply reading a script than actually narrating what's happening to her. As such, it feels devoid of personality. If I had to provide an example, I would think "The Slayers" novels would be a great example of first-person, magical, adventure writing. Now I want to read a Slayers crossover with Twilight Sparkle as Lina Inverse. Can you imagine instead of using the Elements of Harmony, Twilight just threw a million fireballs at Nightmare Moon until she gave up, lol. Anyway, I'm sure it's nothing a bit of practice won't fix.
Would ponies even have newspapers three thousand years ago? I mean, humans invented it in 1440. Maybe in the Age of Discord, Discord literally nuked civilization to the stone age. I guess it would mean the Age of the Two Sisters would be like a Rennasance. Never mind, it can make sense if you play the history right.
You misspelled "unconsciousness" in the first sentence.