Crowded

by Jesse Coffey

Nine

One morning, I'm watching television. I see a commercial come on the set. It's for one notable contractor. The person in that commercial is the head of the company that would build houses. She seems relatively calm and stoic.

Hello.

I'm Margaret Algorithm.

I am the head of Algorithm Contractors Limited.

Are you or your family members struggling to get along in an area that lacks in space? [at which point I yell at the TV, quote ''YES WE ARE!'']

Algorithm Contractors Limited can give half of your family a new house for under 300 bits, whether it'd be 2 of 4, 5 of 10, or even as far as 10 of 20. We're located at 18 East Gable Avenue in Manehattan. And you can call us at 500 555 116. We'll be happy to see you!

[Mrs. Algorithm sings] Wunderbar, wunderbar! Algorithm Contractors Limited builds your house from top to bottom in a manner so wunderbar!

---

Countess and I arrive at Algorithm Contractors Limited, and promptly enter the building. There we meet Margaret Algorithm there to see us.

We hear the distinct, familiar air of ''Tie A Yellow Ribbon'' at mid-level volume in the background. I ask Mrs. Algorithm what it's by. She says, ''It's a recording done up by Babs Seed, one of my favourite singers.''

I say, ''Oh, OK.''

After 12 seconds I say, ''We got a problem.''

Margie turns to me and says, ''What's the problem?''

I say, ''Well, it's the problem addressed in your little TV commercial: we have a crowded family.''

Margie says, ''Ah. Well, let's see . . . how crowded is your house exactly?''

I say, ''Quite crowded. We have 16 family members in our pegasi family, and this house can house only room for 8 ponies.''

Margie says, ''Hrm . . . I say, give us 150 bits and we'll be on your way.''

I say, ''150 bits? I don't have that kind of money!''

The Countess says, ''I do'' and pays her 150 bits. I breathe a sigh of relief at that. For a minute I thought I was getting sent to the poorhouse.

Author's Note:

WUNDERBAR
by Cole Porter
Alternate lyrics written by Jesse Coffey

TIE A YELLOW RIBBON
by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown
Performed by Babs Seed
Courtesy of Warner Bros. Records, Inc.
by arrangement with Warner Special Products