• Member Since 27th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen February 15th

Jay David


Just a guy from Britain who loves MLP.

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Thorax, the Changeling, is enjoying his time in the Crystal Empire after having been accepted by the ponies there. But, among all the smiles and welcoming greetings, there is one pony who has some rather pointed questions to ask.


Possible spoilers for "The Time They Are a Changeling"

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 110 )

A simple story, but well written.

This is good, and I mean REALY GOOD!!!

nice epilogue

You rely too much on ellipses. It breaks up a lot of your sentences and leaves the dialogue feeling rather stilted.

Other than that, decent yarn.

Wow, a fanfic about S06E16 only hours after the episode came out?! :pinkiegasp: I know this fandom is known to produce fan works at lightning quick speed, but it never ceases to amaze me.

Great story, I did not think a story like this would be out so soon.

:derpytongue2:My Queen was quite impressed with your brother when he defended Canterlot, you know a few of my younger siblings have blue frills and spines!
:twilightoops:

7497668

Apparently, they have too much time on their hands.......AND I'M SOOOOOOO ENVIOUS! :rainbowlaugh:

Congratulations on being the first to get a Thorax story through the door.

What I like about these stories is that it adds depth to the characters that normally wouldn't fit into the normal 22-minute setting of the series.

Not to seem like a downer and all, but Shining in this story is right for his part. Prejudice and racism issues aside, for ANY friend, trust takes a time to develop, and even people you met for the first time, it takes a while to build up trust instead of just universally accepting him as a friend, because like how Shining mentioned Discord, sometimes friends who you think you know may have tendencies or commit actions that you may not approve of. That's why trust is such an important factor in any friendship, new or old.

Like this fic addressed this issue, I really hope in a future episode they address this realistic idea, that while the Crystal Family may accept him at this point, there would be still those who would be distrusting of him at first glance, only I hope that the writers do it right, like Zootopia did. It would be a bit harsh, but it would be realistic showing that not everyone is going to warm up just in an instant. Sunset Shimmer herself had to go through a period of regaining trust with her new friends, though in this case, it would be an issue of preconceived notions of changelings instead of past sins.

Awesome job Jay, and I look forward to more stories of Thorax. :)

Damn, you work quick. Good work here.

Awesome!!!

you are not the first former foe my sister has accepted as a friend. The first...he was a somewhat...unpredictable individual. And there came a day..."
He looked away yet again, his expression one of restrained anger.
"...when Twilight's acceptance and trust was thrown back in her face."

Who was it?

Um, I think you mislabelled this story. It says it's "complete" but you clearly want to write more. Right! :pinkiecrazy:

When we get a follow-up episode, you need to write a sequel.

I'm honestly curious—do you have any interest in improving as a writer, or are you content with the sub-par quality of this story?

I felt like the episode itself just...lacked something in its ending.

Thank you for filling that empty space with this talk.

7497882
Do you think about if your comment is constructive at all before saying it? At least say something that could count as polite or constructive instead of being a total jerk.

This fic was very good, and a great follow up to the episode

Simple and straight to the point, I like it. You see, I really think a scene like this was sorely missing from the episode, a scene where the pony characters themselves actually get to talk to Thorax and rightfully confront him on his past like Shining does here (as nice a person as he is, Thorax's role in the Canterlot invasion can't just be ignored).

And as I said on your review on DeviantArt, I do like that Shining and the Crystal Guards weren't portrayed as any more antagonistic than the episode really needed them to be. They were high-handed in their approach, but it didn't come out of some racist blood hunger, rather a strong sense duty to protect their kingdom and their Princess (Shining's CHILD!)

7497904

I've left a number of constructive comments on Jay's stories in the past. He's never responded, so I'm asking if he even cares or not about improving. If so, and he is getting use out of the comments, I'll keep making them. If not, then I'll stop wasting my time.

I haven't been anything but polite.

Nice follow up. I wonder if you're going to write about Thorax meeting the main 6.

Excellent job on this story.

7497843
There's only one person who can be labeled as unpredictable: Discord.

7497941

Wow. Someone's full of themselves.

This was a really good follow-up story. I suppose it makes sense for Shining to still be a little cautious, but at least he's giving Thorax a chance to prove himself.

Pip gives a hoof's up to this. I know what trust takes. When in the wasteland your friends needed to trust you to help them if in need the same they would do for you. ;)

7498148 Technically, no. They're just being a massive asshole.

Well done! I could definitely see this as an epilogue like another commenter said.

Nice filling of blank..

7497941 I can't speak to the character of your other comments, but your original comment on this story seems it would be better served by using PM considering it isn't relevant to this story in particular. Also, I'm not sure whether you're being oblivious or disingenuous if you believe your original comment wouldn't be seen as rude in its current writing.

huh, that was fast:derpytongue2:

have your damn upvote, and if you continue, then have another

The episode could have focused more on such personal notes as this... and been far better for it. These are the sorts of issues that would come up in the circumstance, naturally and understandably, yet the the episode all too quickly glossed over them when in truth they would have made for a much deeper and more meaningful story.

"...you are not the first former foe my sister has accepted as a friend. The first...he was a somewhat...unpredictable individual. And there came a day..."
He looked away yet again, his expression one of restrained anger.
"...when Twilight's acceptance and trust was thrown back in her face."

Never happened. And apparently What About Discord and No Second Prances, which beat us about the head with the fact that it never happened, never happened either. Nor Bridle Gossip. Continuity is a mirage, the past is a dream, nobody ever learns anything.

Not a bad story. I'd probably expect something of this sort to actually happen.

Very well-written, and makes a perfect epilogue to the episode. Yes, I thought the crystal ponies (and Shining Armor most of all) were very quick to overcome their well-earned prejudices and make friends with Thorax, but this is a kiddie show, and Spike's song took the place of a longer and more detailed explanation in the mundane world. Still, it seems to me this one would have worked better as a two-parter. Still, it offered a very good lesson.

Your story straightens out all the kinks. Good job! :twilightsmile:

I think the thing that surprised me the most about Thorax was that his voice doesn't have that flanging quality that Chrysalis' voice had. It's kinda weird hearing him speak normally... although his frequent involuntary hissing in an intimidating fashion helps even that out.

I'm keeping ahold of this fic, by the way. I really like the message about trust, and how Shining pulled him to the side for a man-to-man talk. That he was able to put aside his fear of changelings and place some level of trust in Thorax says a lot about him, especially with all the abuse that guy's taken from mind-controlling evil queens, magic-stealing centaurs, etc.

All right, so I read the story, and Shining's quote to Thorax in the story reminded me of Pinkie Pie's quote to Twilight in S01E20: "Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend forever, " except that it was presented on a more serious tone.

However, considering the fact that Thorax is a changeling who is very willing to make friends and not lose them no matter the cost, I have faith in him that he will not lose anypony's trust. He's gonna have to control his hissing problem, though. That's going to creep out a bunch of ponies.

pre03.deviantart.net/e0a5/th/pre/i/2016/233/a/d/episode_sketch__hissing_problem_by_silfoe-daerfv1.jpg

7498592 she didn't have it in the changeling-takeover timeline, IIRC. Maybe she only put it up during the wedding to be dramatic?

7498940 Twilight's face in 0:06 :rainbowlaugh:

This is a very good one-shot.

Well it looks like Thorax is officially fan fiction fuel, thanks for writing it.
I am glad that your story was the first to come out it was simple and well written epilogue piece.
Thank you

Yes let the changeling fanfictions begin!

7499425 Time warped in on itself! They've been coming ever since we first saw changelings!

I loved this episode, and this story. I'm so glad the actual show is finally showing that some changelings can be good, and incorporating them into the plot, even if it's just one episode. I love changelings.:derpyderp2:

7497941 "I was nice in the past so that means I can be a dick now."
...
Well then...

7497843 Discord in Twilight's Kingdom.

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