Tessereact This

Rainbow Dash took the last bite of her sandwich. Man, that was a good sandwich, she thought. I’d say that was my best one yet!

Her doorbell then rang.

“I’ll be there in a sec!” she shouted before rushing towards the door and opening it. Her bright expression fell away; there, standing on her doorstep like it was the most natural thing in the world was Princess Celestia in all her radiant glory. Next to her, Princess Luna grinned and waved with both hooves.

“Greetings, Rainbow Dash!” Luna said

Celestia nodded serenely. “Yes, hello. May we come in?”

Rainbow stood there for a moment before taking a sharp breath. “Y-yes! Come right in!” She stepped out of the way and waved at the princesses, who trotted past her. Luna’s head twisted from side to side as she took in the house. “D’you guys—er, I mean, do you princesses want anything to eat?”

“Please!” Luna leaned in for a close look at Rainbow’s trophy case. “The decorations in this cloud home are simply marvelous. Would you not agree, Sister?”

“Indeed I would, Sister.” Celestia nodded again. “Indeed I would.”

Rainbow couldn’t help but stick her chest out. “Yeah, I did it all myself!”

Luna hummed as she walked through the house. “Is there no end to your various talents? Athletic prowess, interior decoration…”

Celestia glanced sidelong at Rainbow and gave a gentle smile. “Pranking.”

Rainbow gulped, then pranced after Luna. “Listen, Princess,” she called back over her shoulder, “I’m really sorry about that. My friends had a talk with me about my pranking and—”

“It’s no worry, Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said as she strode into the kitchen. “I can appreciate a good prank as well as the next pony. You need not worry about that.”

Rainbow let out an explosive sigh. “Okay, cool, because I was really worried you were going to give me some kind of lecture or something like that.” She shivered. “I’ve totally learned my lesson.”

Luna stopped in front of the refrigerator and poked at it. “Pray tell, what is this mesmerizingly rectangular contraption?”

Rainbow was about to answer when she heard a snort from Celestia’s direction. However, when she looked over, the princess had her attention focused squarely on an empty pizza box. Rainbow’s eyes narrowed, but after a moment, she shrugged and turned away.

“Sorry,” she asked, “what was the question?”

Luna pulled open the refrigerator door. “I simply wish to know the purpose of this cold-box.”

“Cold-box?” Rainbow lifted an eyebrow. “That’s a fridge.”

Luna looked at Rainbow Dash, doe-eyed. “A… fridge? What manner of device is that?”

”Luna,” Celestia said through a chuckle, “a ‘fridge’ is a refrigerator.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. It keeps your food cold.” Rainbow opened the door to the fridge, which pummeled both her and Luna with a blast of cold air.

Luna shivered and wrapped her forelegs around herself. “I-it certainly seems to ch-chill the air well enough.” The door closed, and the tension fell from Luna’s shoulders. “Thank you.”

Rainbow nodded. “No problem!”

“Normally I keep my food in a box of ice in my bedchambers,” Luna said thoughtfully. “This appears to be a most useful invention.” Celestia snickered, and Luna’s head snapped around. “And what, exactly, is so amusing about that?”

“I just find your utter fascination with modern technology delightful, is all,” Celestia said with a placating wave. She turned her gaze onto Rainbow. “On that note, I was wondering if we could borrow your refrigerator.”

“Yeah, sure—” Rainbow started before missing a beat. “Wait, what?”

“I was wondering if we could borrow your refrigerator,” Celestia said again. “So that Luna might study it. It’s far cheaper than purchasing one, and we’ll return it in a few hours after my sister dearest has learned the ins and outs of it.”

Rainbow bit her lip. “I…guess so? Anything to help Princess Luna. Just make sure to return it in one piece, alright?” She scuffed a hoof against the floor. “I kiiiinda maybe sorta drained my bank account pranking the entire town.”

A golden glow surrounded the refrigerator; the room shook and a terrible crunching noise made Rainbow wince as the device was torn out of the wall. “Great! We’ll return it in a few hours!” Celestia said as she strolled out of the kitchen, Luna hot on her heels.

Rainbow followed as well. “Are you sure she can’t just study it here? I mean, you can stay for as long as you like.”

“If only it were so easy, Rainbow Dash,” Celestia said as she approached the front door. “I’m afraid my ever-curious sister needs to be in an environment conducive to retaining the information, and while your home is lovely, it is a bit… distracting.”

“I… I think I understand,” Dash said with a slow nod. “It’s like how I learn best while flying.”

Celestia smiled. “It is exactly like that, my little pony.” With that, she spread her wings and flew away, fridge in tow.

Luna walked up to Rainbow Dash. “You are performing an unprecedented service for your nation,” she said before flying off herself.

Rainbow Dash exhaled, pleased to have done her duty as a citizen of Equestria. Then she felt a bump against her hind leg; irritated to be interrupted in the middle of her sense of accomplishment, she turned around to find Tank nudging her.

“You must be hungry, little guy. Let me get you something to ea—”

It was then she remembered that her refrigerator was missing. Rainbow Dash rubbed her face and sighed, then patted Tank’s shell. “Just wait a moment, Tank. I’ll get something from Twilight’s house. Castle. Whatever, you know what I mean.” Tank nodded in response and smiled. “That’s why I like you. You’re as smart as I am.” With that, she took off for Twilight’s home.

On the way there, her mind wandered a bit.

I just wonder what kind of stuff they’d learn about a fridge that they’d need to take it home with them. I mean, it’s just a fridge. You put food in there to keep it fresh. It’s not weather science. Oh man, weather science was so hard. And boring. Just sit in a classroom for hours on end listening to this old guy talk—actually, that was Fluttershy’s dad. I shouldn’t be mean to him. He was pretty cool about letting me come over and hang out with Flutters, like, all the time. Her mom made good food. Maybe I should go over there later for dinner. Actually, maybe I should—

She almost missed Twilight sitting on her balcony next to Spike. But she didn’t, because she was Rainbow Dash, and Rainbow Dash doesn’t miss anything. She looked down and waved.

“Hey! Twilight! Can I come over for dinner?”

Twilight looked up from her notes for just a moment. “What?”

Rainbow Dash cupped her hooves around her mouth. “I said—”

“Come down here if you want to talk!”

Rainbow groaned and landed next to Spike and Twilight. “Hey. Twilight.”

Twilight’s eyes were fixed on her notepad as she scribbled furiously. “Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

“Could I borrow some lettuce for Tank?

“Of course,” Twilight said, waving distractedly behind her. “It’s in the refrigerator. Help yourself.” After a moment, though, she frowned and glanced up. “Wait, why do you need lettuce? I thought you already had some.”

“Well, about that.” Rainbow cleared her throat. “I maaaaybe let Celestia and Luna borrow my fridge.”

“You let them borrow your refrigerator?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said with a shrug. “Luna said something about learning about modern-day stuff. I guess my fridge is pretty cool. Heh.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Cute. So you let them take your entire refrigerator.”

“Yup.”

“Without taking out any of the food first.”

“Uh,” Rainbow said, “yeah, I didn’t think that through, did I?”

“No, you didn’t.” Twilight pursed her lips. “That’s strange, though. I could have sworn that Princess Luna has a refrigerator in her private chambers. In fact, I know she does—that’s where she keeps all her milk.” She lowered her voice and whispered, “By the way, if Luna ever offers you milk, do not drink it.”

Rainbow blinked. “But she said she kept her stuff in a box of—”

A hacking noise cut her off; near the door, Spike had grabbed his throat as he fought to retch something up. Twilight dropped her quill and moved over to Spike. “Spike, what’s wrong?”

“It looks like he’s hacking up a lung!” Rainbow said. “I’ll go get—”

Spike gave one last heave, and a chunk of metal the size of a pumpkin came roaring out of his mouth along with a jet of green fire. Both mares stared at it for a moment while Spike took long, deep breaths and collected himself, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I thought…” he wheezed. “I thought…we agreed on… a size limit…for that sort of thing.”

The thing was cube-shaped and perfectly smooth on all faces. Two pieces of paper were taped to the sides. After a moment of staring at the foreign object, Rainbow broke the silence. “What do you think it is?”

Twilight walked over to it and tugged off the two pieces of paper attached to it. “Well, one of these appears to be a check for fifty bits, and the other appears to be a message.” Twilight cleared her throat and read:

“Dear Rainbow Dash,

“My wonderful sister has learned everything she needs to know about refrigeration units and wished to return your fridge. However, I distinctly recalled your instructions to return it in one piece. Seeing as how it had so many moving parts—drawers and shelves and butter dishes and what-have-you—we were left with no choice but to melt the entire ensemble down into an ultra-dense brick. Please find the attached check for fifty bits; you did say you were low on funding, and we are nothing if not very considerate of how this might inconvenience you. Thank you; as always, your service to Equestria is appreciated.

“Sincerely yours,
Princess Celestia.”

Rainbow Dash’s breathing shallowed. “They… melted… my—”

“Wait, there’s a postscript,” Twilight cut in.

“P.S.: Thou hast been pranked.
Luna.”

“I have been pranked?” Rainbow gasped.

“Well,” Twilight said, “actually, every single letter is capitalized, and there’s an exclamation point after each word, so I guess it’d read more like THOU! HAST! BEEN! PRANKED!” She glanced at her red-faced friend. “Rainbow Dash, are you okay?”

Rainbow’s face screwed up. “They… melted… my… fridge… that’s… the…” She fell to the ground and rolled around, laughing. “That’s like the greatest prank ever! I never saw it coming!”

“I don’t know why you’re laughing,” Twilight said flatly. “Fifty bits isn’t nearly enough to cover the cost of a new refrigerator.”

“You wouldn’t understand.” Rainbow laughed again, then reached both hooves towards Twilight. “Hey, lemme see your pen and paper.”

Twilight passed her things over. “It’s a quill and parchment.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Rainbow Dash scrawled out a messy note and passed it to Spike. “Here—here, Spike, send this over.”

Spike nodded and let out a puff of flame over the note, whisking it away to Celestia. “So, what’d you tell them?”

Rainbow stood up. “Oh, not much. Just that they should be ready for the best prank ever! They’ll be walking through the castle all princess-like, with their big hair and their metal shoes, when all of a sudden—bam! Prank in the face!”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said before burying her face into her hoof, “you’re dealing with two of the most powerful beings in Equestria. They control the sun and the moon. Not five minutes ago, they cubed your fridge for fun.”

“Yeah, so?” Rainbow shrugged. “The bigger they are, the harder the fall. Daring Do said that, and if it’s good enough for Daring Do, it’s good enough for me.”

“Well, the cubing of your refrigerator is just the beginning. Do you really want to see how they’d tessereact to another prank?”

Nobody answered.

“How they’d tessereact,” she said again.

Rainbow Dash blinked. Spike scratched his ear.

“Tessere—”

“Okay, yeah, I heard it,” Rainbow snapped. “Geez.”

“But you aren’t laughing.”

“Laughing at what?” Spike asked.

“At tessereact,” Twilight said, head cocked.

Rainbow peered at Twilight. “Why would I laugh at a word I don’t even know?”

“…I don’t even know why I try,” Twilight said as her head drooped. “So, what’s your master plan to get back at the princesses, who if they wanted could probably send you hurtling into the sun without breaking a sweat?”

Rainbow Dash grinned viciously as she rubbed her forehooves together. “Something that’ll blow them out of the water!”

“Well, what is it? Spike asked with a wide smile.

“You’ll see,” Rainbow said. “It’ll be the prank to end all pranks! Ponies a hundred years from now will look back and say… er… ‘that was the prank to end all pranks!’ ”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “You’re planning something obnoxious, aren’t you?”

“This’ll teach them to melt my fridge,” Dash said with a cruel laugh. “I’ll show them the meaning of—”

Suddenly, a loud boom sent them all crashing to the floor. Ears ringing, Rainbow glanced up to see that a hole had appeared in the air above them. A pony shot through and circled around above them before landing on the balcony. She had both wings and a horn poking out from under her ridiculously poofy pompadoured mane, and she wore a one-piece bodysuit with bellbottom sleeves.

“Who are you?” Twilight said, voice barely audible after the deafening noise.

“Rainbow Dash,” the stranger said, ignoring Twilight completely, “you have to stop! You’ll doom us all!”

Upon hearing the familiar voice, both Rainbow and Spike glanced at each other before returning their attention to the “stranger”. “Twilight?” they said in unison.

Pompadour-Twilight nodded. “Yes. I am Twilight Sparkle, come from the future with a dire warning!”

“A warning of what?” regular-Twilight asked. “What does Rainbow have to stop?”

Pompadour-Twilight looked at regular-Twilight. “She’s going to rainbow the moon!”

Regular-Twilight stared at her future self. “She’s going to what now?”

“I said, ‘she’s going to rainbow the moon!’ ”

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow whined. “I wanted it to be a surprise!”

Regular-Twilight shushed her friend. “Rainbow the moon? How would you even do that?”

“Pegasus magic,” Rainbow said, pouting. “Like how I moved Applejack’s bed without her noticing.”

“Pega—” Regular-Twilight shook her head. “We’ll talk about this later.” She turned to pompadour-Twilight. “So what, exactly, happens after Rainbow Dash rainbows the moon?”

Pompadour-Twilight bit her lip. “The Rise of Disco Moon.”

“Question.” Spike held up a finger. “What’s a Disco Moon?”

“Disco Moon,” pompadour-Twilight said, visibly shaking. ”The alicorn Princess of Flashy Dancing, Shiny Spinning Balls, White Jumpsuits, and Moussed-Up Pompadours. She overthrows the Equestrian government and turns the entire world into one big dance party. If you rainbow the moon you will herald her coming, and the funk shall last…forever.” She spun in a tight circle and threw a hoof into the air, then shuddered. “I’m sorry, I—in the future, the funk is conditioned into us. It’s horrible. Please, Rainbow Dash, please stop this from happening!”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I don’t see the big—”

“Also you die painfully.”

“And that,” regular-Twilight said smugly, “is a tessereaction.”

Rainbow pursed her lips. “So, uh, I guess what you’re getting at is I shouldn’t rainbow the moon.”

“Pretty much,” pompadour-Twilight said.

Rainbow paced back and forth. “But I already promised them the prank of their lives!” She bit her lip. “What do I do now?”

Pompadour-Twilight waved her over and whispered something into her ear. Rainbow’s eyes widened, then she snickered. “It’s a bit unorthodox,” pompadour-Twilight said, “but if anyone can pull it off, it’s you.”

Rainbow Dash pulled away. “I never would have thought of that! Thanks, pompadour-Twilight!”

“Anytime, still-alive-Rainbow Dash!” pompadour-Twilight said with a smile before her horn flashed, blinding everyone. When their sight returned, she was gone.

Rainbow shuddered. “I hope nopony ever calls me that again.”

“Well, that crisis was averted,” Twilight said as she rubbed her face. “What did pompadour-me suggest?”

Rainbow giggled. “Oh, you’ll see.”

Rainbow Dash lay in her bed reading the latest Daring Do book when her doorbell rang again.

“Come in,” she called out. She heard hoofsteps, then a weight fell onto her bed next to her. She looked over to see a bunch of opened scrolls and a glaring Twilight Sparkle standing at the foot of her bed. “ ‘Sup, Twi? What can I do for you?”

“What’s all this?” Twilight snapped, gesturing at the scrolls.

“All what?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “I just received a mass of letters from the princesses Celestia and Luna. It’s been six months since they mailed you your refrigerator and they’re demanding to know when you’ll prank them.”

Rainbow Dash chuckled and went back to her reading. “They’re already being tessereacted and they don’t even know.”

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