• Member Since 30th May, 2012
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thatguyvex


T

Years after the Stable Dweller's journey to restore Equestria the world is still slowly recovering. Many parts of the world remain radioactive Wasteland despite the efforts of the NCR. In the far flung northeast region around the former city of Detrot the land remains a harsh, violent place. Living in a secluded mountain valley at the edge of this region, Longwalk is a colt ignorant of the larger Wasteland. His tribe has lived in isolation for generations, and he knows nothing of the world beyond the ten miles surrounding his remote mountain village.

All of that is about to change. Dragging a friend along to explore beyond the boundaries his tribe's laws allow, Longwalk makes a startling discovery; one that prompts a journey of his own out into the Wasteland with a mysterious unicorn filly at his side. Before he knows it Longwalk is caught in a dangerous web of Wasteland politics, powerful pre-war organizations, ancient death-filled ruins, and a growing cadre of unusual companions... each with secrets of their own.

Based on the wonderful Fallout Equestria by Kkat, and the Wild Arms video game series by Media Vision.

Pre-read by Doomande, an all around awesome dude.
Cover art by SpyroConspirator, a very talented artist.

Completed side-story featuring Crossfire found here.

Chapters (37)
Comments ( 436 )

You wrote an foe fix.

Welcome to the dark side. We've been expecting you.:trixieshiftright:

woh a double crossover, now this is going to be interesting

You know, I'm surprised the slavers or that merc didn't cause trouble over Arcaidia's Starblaster (yet), or anyone try to buy Longwalk's spear from him (yet), after all Star Blasters are extremely powerful, and Longwalk probably doesn't have much idea of the value of caps. Of course Crossfire and her crew are probably a bit out of our plucky heroes challenge range for a open fight, but that's what makes Fallout Equestria so entertaining. It's about the characters and their trials and tribulations. Like when 'Pip killed her first alicorn, or many of her other fights. Near death situations with narrow victories and hard earned lessons feel better, than say, curbstomp battles, as fun as they are. Those kind of need to wait until enough factions are introduced that the politics and percussions are more dangerous. Not to say early fights shouldn't be relevant.
I don't actually know Wild Arms, so I'll go read up on it a bit before saying anything about what appear to be mana pots and soul-binding weapons. Don't get me wrong, Me Gusta. Interesting too, how many of those does she have?:pinkiehappy:

Oh, and yes,
QAWESXRDCTFVYBNUIMO AWESOME STORY!

what language is this seriously

Well, chapter 4 is up! Hope folks keep enjoying the reading as much as I am the writing.

@cadeyzz:
Yeah, but I heard the dark side had cake so how could I resist?

@Snowfyre
Glad you think so! I was worried trying to shove a whole other cosmology into an already well done crossover verse would be tricky, and it is. Tricky, but fun.

@Pinkius
You make good points. Had it in my head most ponies wouldn't care much for a spear in a world where guns are the commonly accepted weapon, no matter how shiny it is, but you're probably right that a few vendors would've taken a pass at trying to buy it off Longwalk. As for the fights up to now I'll admit I was wondering if I was taking it too easy on the heroes so far. Chalk that up to some of Wild Arms JRPG nature clashing with Fallouts western RPG nature. One of the balancing acts I'll have to get used to when writing this is striking a good mix of JRPG battle elements without sacrificing the harsher nature of the FoE universe. Don't hesitate to keep providing constructive critique, as I'll appreciate all the help I can get.

@Deathpony
What, Arcaidia's language? I call it Madeupese. I'm kinda trying to give it a French/Italian feel, but I got next to know knowledge of foreign language, so mostly I'm just hoping to make it sound exotic.

I've been dabbling in some Pathfinder D&D recently, and if you've played enough Fallout, you can draw the lines between the mechanics. If you're specialized in a certain type of fighting, and you have support, you can take out targets much stronger than you'd think possible. Of course with a melee character like Longwalk kiting is a silly notion, but charging, disarming, sundering weapons, tripping and grappling all seem to be options. I took a peek at Wild Arms, just the first bits of the first 2 character arcs, and unless Arcaidia is a straight lift of the character I haven't seen yet, it looks like you're just taking a handful of concepts and moving them from Wild Arms to Fallout. I'm interested if your version of the starblaster is an ARM too, it seems like it would be, but there's always the chance it's not.
Anyways, some synergy between the characters might be in order, because while it seems Arcaidia is perfectly capable of carrying the party at the moment, having her spend less energy to just slow or disarm enemies and let Longwalk have free reign on them would be interesting, especially since what's been holding Longwalk back for the most part is enemies closing in to TOO close of range with him, and grappling, or biting; Of which has happened a grand total of... 3/4 fights? If you count being ambushed by Crossfire, and the geckos. Mind you, Longwalk isn't the cleverest of ponies, but Arcaidia seems bright, B.B. too. Longwalk's going to be the silly Idiot Hero for a number of chapters at least~ at least he knows what a gun is now.

I've found with Melee characters in Fallout at least, you want to either be un-hit-able, un-kite-able, or do lots and lots of damage; knocking your enemies around keeps them from hitting you, makes them easier to hit, and if your lucky, can knock their weapons out of their hands, or stun them to death. But, snipers can kill you, ambushes can kill you, chest high impassible walls can kill you, cliffs, dropping your weapon, throwing your weapon with no quick way to retrieve it. I think you get the picture.
Knowledge is power, and while we might meta-game, know where the ambushes are, save-scum, rely on guzzling healing potions while everything around us is paused; characters in a narrative can't rely on that stuff, they need to be careful, they're playing on hardcore. And while they may have more options, they're don't have little messages that appear above their heads to tell them they can't rest while there are enemies nearby. Longwalk should really find out more about these guilds before he goes around pissing them all off, unless of course he's going to be a badass and claim he doesn't care, which admittedly, he probably doesn't. On the other other hand, if he weren't holding the idiot ball, the plot might end up resolved too soon, and we can't have that happening now can we?

Anyways, I can't help but wonder why nopony has thought to freeze the bomb collar off. It might short circuit the collar, but if it's instantaneous, it might freeze the blasting cap, or the c4, or it may kill the battery wholesale. I don't think there is a definitive source on what activates the collar aside from the detonator, distance, or incorrectly tampering with the electronic bits. Also, some high explosive ordinance seems it would be very valuable in these ruins, aside from using it like a grenade, it could be used to attempt to crack open a wall, or container, maybe a safe. it IS a shaped charge, of course they'd need to tape it to the target or something... perhaps the ruins have tape! Or heck, maybe if they go back and ask Crossfire for some tape she'll give it to them. There's always a use for duct-tape! Not in the actual GAME of course, that'd just be broken, but you can duct-tape prisoners, duct-tape explosives, duct-tape explosives TO priso- Anyways. Duct-tape, it's amazing.

WALL OF TEXT - I probably could summarize this stuff, but where's the fun in that?

I foresee the next chapter being where more freaky crossover stuff happens~

And it's official much like the hush now quiet now moment in PH I'm crying...
Hate and love you in equal measure right now, mostly due to you managing, in one chapter no less, to make me care about Shale and look towards future unveiling of her past and then crushing those hopes in a way that makes it clear the reveal will still happen but she won't be around to "Be Better"
Anyways awesome chapter and I look forward to the next!
(Damn you)

New Chapter!:twilightsmile:
More questions than answers? Par for the course for FoE stories.
And though this is now wholly speculation, I believe that LIL-E is probably Littlepip and that Watcher helped her get that bot running. Though to be honest the colorful swears might be a dead give-away or better... a red herring!
Anyway looking forward to the next chapter and hoping that you keep things paced this well in the future.:pinkiehappy:

I am really enjoying the story, so far though you kind of need an editor to fix the minor spelling errors every now and again. I was going to ask if you needed an alicorn character for your story, because I had an idea for one; though if you don't that's fine as well :)

1285571
Glad to hear your enjoying it. Hmm, yes, few ponies can swear like Littlepip, but anypony who'd spent enough time around her might've picked up the habit as well. LIL-E certainly ain't tellin'.

1287985
Yeah, I need to keep reminding myself that I need to go back through the chapters to hammer out some of those errors. Always seem to miss some no matter how many times I go over a chapter before putting it up.

As for alicorn's, got my own ideas on how I'll be working a few of them into the story. This is taking place roughly 20 years post-FoE so there's been a lot of time for alicorn's to spread out across the world, and by now there'd be a second generation of natural born alicorn's though the oldest of them would still only be in their early teens. In any case, I can't say if I'd use the idea or not, but I'm an open minded sort and there's no harm in pming me about it.

I would offer myself as an editor, but I hardly know anything about it (otherwise I would try) and I will pm you a brief description of the charcter later

1292368
Wow talk about awesome, this is like the third time I've been directly quoted! Seriously though the only other pony that would swear like that is probably Homage and she's pretty busy most days...
Velvet wouldn't, and to be honest she's too busy with the Followers anyway.
Calamity couldn't hide his accent and is very much a stallion.
Xenith is busy with the Angels, honestly "LIL"-E, I can't really think of anyone else it could be.

A crossover with a universe that already is one... You have me intrigued Sir!

Would just have loved it if your chapters was a little shorter, it is so hard to find time to read 20K words when there is so many other good Fo:E stories out there that need love, and pre-reading to do. But who knows when there is coming a little review your way

By the way, have anyone showed you the Super (non secret) Fo:E G-doc yet? There is always a bunch of Fo:E guys and galls that you can talk to, and it is rather normal that there is someone to bounce ideas with or people to pre-read something if it is what you need

1464394
Heheh, my apologies on chapter length, I do have trouble keeping things concise sometimes.

Hm, never used googledocs before but I certainly could use a place to get as much direct feedback as possible. Might be I'll check that out, thanks.

1464832
No it is me that are thanking for a awesome story :pinkiehappy:
Oh and if wait an hour or so should I be done with the first review, so that you story joined the Fo:E group in here are already helping :rainbowkiss:

And don´t mind my comment about the length of the chapters, it was more in fun than anything else

My pre-reading session ended early today, so I have some REVIEW TIME!

I must say that I was surprised by how fast you story hooked me, by the fifth paragraph was I hooked. That explanation of the world trough the eyes of a tribal was just written amazingly. And Longwalks inner monologues are also helping on making it a good reading experience.

Tribals, check. Mysterious thing that sounds like a cryopod, check. And a awesome unicorn filly named Ice Frosty Littleblue Scary Death Unicorn, who are using icemagic and are talking something that sounds like gibberish, double check. To say it in as few words that I can, this are gonna be good. I am seeing so many blocks that you could build on already. As a first chapter is this like it should be. Showing a lot, explaining nothing so we have to come back. Just the way I like it. That it have taken inspiration from a Japanese maid RPG are obvious, but when I say it like that isn´t there anything wrong with it. The Japanese have something with stories that we just don´t have.

Blue liquid in a glass flask... I am so much declaring that a Mana potion! Actually the first time I see one of those in Fo:E and now that I think about it, is it actually rather weird that they haven´t been used before now. :rainbowhuh:

And excuse me, but what are there wrong with the colours blue and silver? I think that Ice Frosty Littleblue Scary Death Unicorn have a good taste. Like me have she learned the joy of being dressed in blue, the best colour out there, thank you

Nitpicks

I didn’t need to yell for Trailblaze to run by I did anyway as we both began to bolt down the hill as fast as we could without risking that prophetic leg-breaking fall Trailblaze had mentioned just moments earlier

I think that your "by" should be a "but", because that would make more sense to me

They certainly seemed very intent on dining on my and Trailblaze though

Should be a me instead of my

who had stopped stinging as she noticed me standing and was giving me a happy look

I think that a t have sneaked into your singing there

The Pip-Buck 3000 have already been used in another story if I remember correctly, but I can´t remember which one and are unsure about who came up with the idea first. Its just a heads up before a angry mob of fans are coming after you :pinkiecrazy:

Ans a little sour note to end it all of with, but meant in a friendly way to improve on the story.
I think that you need a pre-reader or to read up on some comma rules, because you are in a dire shortage of them. It was not so bad that it ruined the story, but I took myself in missing them from time to time, and it is sad that a awesome story like this are breaking the flow by a little thing like that.

PS. Doombringer, we will never forget your sacrifice, rest in pieces where ever you are
PPS. Yes I know we get Arcaidias real name, but as you write her does she sound like a Ice Frosty Littleblue Scary Death Unicorn, so I am going to keep calling her that

1465318
I shall correct typos asap. Hm, yes, me and commas must learn to be better friends. Glad you're liking things so far, though by all means don't hesitate let me know if anything crops up that could use improvement plot/character wise.

Blue liquid in a glass flask... I am so much declaring that a Mana potion! Actually the first time I see one of those in Fo:E and now that I think about it, is it actually rather weird that they haven´t been used before now. :rainbowhuh:

Arcaidia even used the word mana in her speech. Yeah you'd think bottling some liquid magic would've been an idea somepony would've worked on in the Ministry of Arcane Science.

And excuse me, but what are there wrong with the colours blue and silver? I think that Ice Frosty Littleblue Scary Death Unicorn have a good taste. Like me have she learned the joy of being dressed in blue, the best colour out there, thank you

Heheh, nothing, nothing, in fact they are a fav color combo. Longwalk just noticed that Arcaidia has kind of a color theme she doesn't break off from. Ever. There may or may not be a scene down the road where he tries to convince her to wear a different color. That might not end so well for him.

The Pip-Buck 3000 have already been used in another story if I remember correctly, but I can´t remember which one and are unsure about who came up with the idea first. Its just a heads up before a angry mob of fans are coming after you :pinkiecrazy:

Hmmm, *scratches brain* Can't remember how many differing Pip-Buck types there are...I remember the 3000 being the standard issue one...I think?

1466919
Without looking at the wikies would I say that there is 3 different kinds in the game, the 2000 model from fallout 1 and 2 and the 3000 model from 3 and new vegas, and the 4000 bling bling edition that are a easter egg/ weird wasteland encounter.

In Fo:E is there a lot more, I think that I have seen 4 or 5 different kinds so far, but it is hard to know when they don´t name the model half the time.

And I am not going to hesitate if I sees anything that could need a improvement, that I am saying it in my own special way is just a minor detail, but I like to say the things like they are. How should the writer else know if there is something that could be better?

So is there anything better to do when you have a case of the flu than reading a good Fo:E story? Well... REVIEW TIME could maybe make it better. I hope that there is just as much meat on this review as the last one, if not are you welcome to blame it on my snotty brain, because I know that I am going to do it.

However on the morrow she will be sent away

Okay I have to ask, but what are Adventure Time doing in this story? It is not like I don´t like a cameo here and there, but a giant friendly hawk in the wasteland would be a little weird :derpytongue2:

Yay, welcome back awkward silence, we missed you!

and

I found myself craning my neck to look at my back, just to make sure there weren’t any wings there I’d somehow missed over the past sixteen years.

Celestia I knew that there was a good reason to why I liked this story so much! You are just hitting the head of the nail spot on time and time again with your jokes. That you also have your 1. person telling style under full control is also a nice thing. It is rather rare to see Fo:E stories where you really can feel that it is a person that are telling it to you, and not just a book set in 1. person. It is one of your many things that makes the story comes to life. Another thing I have to praise is that you remember that it are ponies that are in the story, and not just humans on 4 legs, with some of them equipped with extra accessories like horns and wings. And the best thing was that it was not something that I was aware of until I noticed Trailblaze´s ears and tail when she head that she could not "play" with Longwalk, so more kudos to you for making it a so natural thing of the story.

I am actually a little bit surprised that this story is so new to me, for I can see a lot of potential in your work. You know how to show the new ponies in a good way, both how you are telling about them trough Longwalks eyes, and how you let them breath a little bit so the reader don´t get to much info thrown after them. You know how to make interesting ponies, with both good strengths and flaws. And I can´t wait to see a little bit more of your part of the Wasteland, because your story doesn´t sound like it is borrowing from others, yet. When that is said is it also nice to see a little love for Fallout 2, or it is there I guess that you have some of your Fallout inspiration from, with the tribals and geckos. The only thing that I can point my finger at is still the commas, while I think that this one had more of them so it was easier to read, was there still some places that could need some. But as the whole work is that not a important thing.

And so does the plot thicken, and there is a lot of questions up in the air. Who and what are Odessa? What are the ARM, and was it a bad idea for Longwalk to use it since it look like to have side effects? And are there any more cakes to poor Ice Frosty Littleblue Von Scary Death Unicorn so she dosn´t have to eat the icky wasteland meat?

A few nitpicks again, sorry I pre-read to much to let them flew over my head. And do not hope that they are to much, if you rather would like my nitpicks in a message, if I find more of them that it, would I have no problems by doing that so they are a little bit private.

How long at Hard Tack been keeping this bottled in?

I think that the at stole the place of another word

Outsiders bring nothing but pain to our tribe

Someone stole the space before this sentence

The tribe’s tends varied in size

Should it not have been tents?

she said as she got up and went to go get a fire going in the cook pit

It is properly me that is wrong, but isn´t it names a cooking pit?

Arcaidia had drifted in only to be given a barrage of cold stares from the majority of the tribe and my mother had had to lead her away back to our tent

I think that you have a had to many

fifteen minutes of out and out galloping I realized that we were quickly reaching the end of the valley

How can you go out and out of galloping?

And as a last note, if you are working in G-doc can you use Ctrl+f to find double spaces, it is a rather useful toll to kill of those pesky little thing, and I think that I saw at least one this time

PS. I declare first post of this chapter to be captured in the name of me, Sir Doomande of The Frying Pan, not because I want to be one of those irritating things that hunt the first posts down, like Longwalk hunts down a gecko, but because that I like this story rather much as of right now

1503708
Thanks for the review! Went and fixed most the errors you pointed out, including that double space stuff (turns out there was a lot of that going on). Gradually transferring chapters over to googledocs so I can work on them there, but slow me is slow. :twilightblush:

Heh, if you think the plots thickening now...well, just wait. Because I'm injecting stuff not just from Fallout and MLP (drawing a lot from Fallout 2 as you've already noticed, but also from Fallout Tactics, a much unused but awesome Fallout game!) I'm also gradually injecting more and more elements from all six Wild Arms games. Technically there are seven in the Wild Arms series, but Alter Code: F is actually a remake of the first game. Fun random fact, the first Wild Arms came out in the US the very same year the first Fallout game did. Might be why I see the two as somewhat linked besides the similarities between the settings (post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with mutant monsters and bandits and the ruins of the previous advanced civilization.)

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

PS: Might be slow updating the next chapter due to the NaNoWriMo I'm participating in this November. Fun opportunity for me to work on my writing all hardcore-like.

1511270
Just take the time you need to write. A lot of other Fo:E stories are also a little bit slow right now because there are exams around the world, so no stress there. And I have still 5 chapters that I need to read before I begin to yell for more, so that buy you a little time :rainbowlaugh:

And well... Thicken was proberly not the best word to use there, but I think that it gets the point across. Its just that you are starting to show your plot rather quickly, but that is again also a thing that are used a lot in J-rpg´s... God that means that I can expect a million plot twists FUUUUU.... :pinkiegasp:

REVIEW TI.... What is that in the title? A link to some music. Well I have to click that... Why is it that I first sees that now? That is like üpper good writing music, and it was also in the other chapters!

I can´t say how nice it is that you write Wasteland with a capital W, it is a land after all so it should be capitalized instead of just underscore that a lot of other writers do all the time. I know that it is a small thing, but in my world is it small things like that that make a story good or bad, and your story is really really good. While it isn't in the same league as The Last Sentinel or Heroes is it rather high on my personal of Fo:E stories. And beside The Last Sentinel is this the story that I am looking most forward to read more of.

I must say that you are doing something with the setting that are just amaze me. I can´t put my finger on something specific because that are so many good things, but it suprises me time and time again how the live in your story seems so... a life.
And on that note is it interesting to see what you did with Fo:E´s ending. While I think that there is 3 or 4 different NCR´s out there must I say that yours are the one that seems most interesting (beside the "original one in Heroes). And I can´t wait to Longwalk and Ice Frosty Littleblue Von Scary Death Unicorn set their feet in NCR territory

Yet again is there some new questions that pops up: What are the Skull City? And are the guilds going to be a pain in the but? And who the hell was the one and only Mighty and Mysterious Mirage, and are she going to make me any bottlecaps in the near future?

And a little word on on the music for this chapter. While it wasn´t bad in any way can I not really see how it capture the essence of the chapter. Yes it is good to show the village that they see, and especially the marked, can I not see what it are doing in the top of the chapter, because when it is the first thing you see should it be something for the whole chapter. It is maybe me that are reading to much into it (it totally am) but I think that the music could have been better this time

It is looking better and better with each chapter, but there is still is some commas missing here and there and a double space that peeps it head up a few times are really minor details when you think on the overall quality of your work

Nitpicks
"I did follow her example though and set down Gramzanber long enough to pull out one of the water skins from my own saddlebags and upended some of the life-giving water into my parched throat." His story is in past tense, so should that set not have been a sat?

"Gramzanber clenched tightly in my teeth" Should there not have been a with in here?

"It was just if judging by what I’d seen on Arcaidia’s Pip-Buck this Persephone pony she was supposed to find was probably located somewhere down in NRC territory" You made a typo in NCR

And to end on a happy note: Joke of the chapter: "My gun was just bigger. And didn’t fire bullets. And wasn’t a gun."

1532801

I can´t say how nice it is that you write Wasteland with a capital W, it is a land after all so it should be capitalized instead of just underscore that a lot of other writers do all the time. I know that it is a small thing, but in my world is it small things like that that make a story good or bad, and your story is really really good. While it isn't in the same league as The Last Sentinel or Heroes is it rather high on my personal of Fo:E stories. And beside The Last Sentinel is this the story that I am looking most forward to read more of.

Heh, I can't quite recall if Wasteland was capitalized in the original but it felt like that's how most ponies would refer to it. Glad you're still liking things. Hm, I've read Heroes and love it, but don't think I've read The Last Sentinel. Consider that on my list of things to check out.

And a little word on on the music for this chapter. While it wasn´t bad in any way can I not really see how it capture the essence of the chapter. Yes it is good to show the village that they see, and especially the marked, can I not see what it are doing in the top of the chapter, because when it is the first thing you see should it be something for the whole chapter. It is maybe me that are reading to much into it (it totally am) but I think that the music could have been better this time

Ah, yes, the music. I'm horrible with chapter names, so when I was writing the first chapter and was trying come up with a name I was also listening to some Wild Arms music to keep me in the writing mood...and it just struck me 'Whoa! I could totally name my chapters after different songs from the Wild Arms soundtracks!'. Of course it can be hard to find a soundtrack that has a title that fits the chapter and has a feel that fits the entire chapter at the same time; so mostly I try to find one that'll tie into some major part of the chapter instead of the whole thing.

For instance Scenery Called "Everyday" is a real good town theme that fit the atmosphere of Saddlespring, so since this was the first time the party showed up in a town I wanted a town theme for the title. Unfortunaetly this doens't quite fit with the first half of the chapter, which would have been more suited to a fighting theme like Critical Hit...but then that title didn't really sound like it fit the chapter.

Anyways I added the links recently on impulse, thinking it might be kind of cool for people to hear some awesome Wild Arms music, even if it doesn't always fit all the parts of the chapter its in. :twilightsheepish:

Nitpicks

I shall get to correcting those asap; thanks again for spotting them!

Well you can thank Doomande for another reader. (Or curse him, that's really up to you.) Story so far is interesting, I don't know anything about 'Wild Arms' so I can't really comment on that aspect. As to fallout and ponies. You seem to use feet instead of hooves a number of times. I'm assuming the mana potion has to do with Wild Arms, so I'll let it pass. My biggest concern is rather small. Longwalk continually refers to himself and his herd as Tribals... why? That is a term that would only be bestowed by a more advanced outside influenced that labeled them as such.

Other than that your characters are good. You manage to develop an emotional connection between the Longwalk and Trailblaze so that we actually feel for him when she is about to die (or live).

Cheers.

1560499

Well you can thank Doomande for another reader. (Or curse him, that's really up to you.)

I'll go with thanking. More readers is a good thing in my book. :twilightsmile:

You seem to use feet instead of hooves a number of times.

I'll see if I can track those instances down and adjust the terminology a bit.

My biggest concern is rather small. Longwalk continually refers to himself and his herd as Tribals... why? That is a term that would only be bestowed by a more advanced outside influenced that labeled them as such.

True enough, but remember that Longwalk's tribe descends from Equestrian civilians who survived the end of the war. My take on it is that the term 'tribal' is used even by those of a tribe, because the original ponies who formed the tribe were the survivors of the bombs dropping, who while having to use primitive means to survive still retained trappings of their previous culture. Those ponies would have thought of themselves as living 'like tribals' due to their circumstances, so the term probably just stuck as the norm over the generations. That's my take on it.

1563938
That is a wonderfully reasonable flow of events. :moustache:

Doomande told me you wanted some comma help. I'm doing a run through of your first chapter using gdoc, editting via comments so that you can see what types of changes can be made. This should give you a general idea of where to use them, but I'd like to meet with you to give you some specific advice. Lets get in touch.

The edited gdoc

REVIEW TIME!

I am beginning to like the idea of guilds in the Wasteland rather much, both because it bring back good flashbacks to Last Exile and because it is rather logical that stuff like that would happen out there. I do not know why there haven´t been one that have done that before you, beside when you have guilds do you have a little bit of order and it looks like that most don´t think that that is something that should be in Fo:E. Can´t wait to Longwalk learn to use his ARM better and miss Ice Frosty Littleblue Von Scary Death Unicorn gets her hoofs on her gun and some more mana potions so she can kick undreamed amounts of guild flank.

Note on the music. I think that it hit the atmosphere way better this time. There was something exploring over it, with just a hint of the villages life. And there was just something that made me smile when I head it, so thank you for using that piece

I have not much else to say other than it is nice to see a little more to the characters in your setting and that you are still intriguing me with what you have here, especially this time with M.M what ever that stands for?

And some new questions does yet again spring into my mind. What are the Ruins, or more precisely who´s build them? What are the history about M.M and will she travel with Longwalk and miss Ice Frosty Littleblue Von Scary Death Unicorn on their next adventure? Is this question corner a returning thing? And to that can I only answer yes, yes it is

Nitpick time. I found a little bit more of them this time, but it are still to help and not to bother when I point them out :twilightsmile: And although they are there is it something that I can easily look the other way at, especially when there is so many other amazing things that want the readers attention

"Inside the saloon wasn’t too crowded" I think that you are missing a word somewhere here

"If I’d been in a better mood the music would be entrancing but as it was my head was too muddled for me to do more than give the instrument and its player a brief glance before I headed for what I figured had to be the main counter." I had a hard time understanding what you meant here, and maybe are it just me, but I think that you have some words to many or to few to make it work in the best way

"So stupid and probably suicidal as it was I resolved to do this.

Now I needed a plan. A good one. One that involved well thought out and detailed sets of actions with carefully thought through contingencies to guarantee a high degree of success…

…crap I’m doomed." There is a lot of present tense here, maybe intentional maybe not. But as it is now does it look like a mistake, it could maybe be reworded to fit the scene better, but I have no idea how to do it. Bid just see that it was out of place

"so any plans basically involved such a high number of unknowns as to fall apart like a poorly staked tent under a mildly stiff breeze" Should it not have been a ask instead of as?

" Right now I was still in my naïve stage" Should it not have been a then instead of now?

"I hear those are informative" This needs to be past tense, unless of course he still need to read some of those books we hear so much about

"no so much because I was curious but because I needed to keep her talking to buy myself time to think of a way out of this" Should you no not have been a not?

" Remember you’re here as a guest of the Labor Guild after you got your sorry flanked kicked out of the Followers of whateverthefuck" Should it not just have been flank instead of flanked?

"Crossfire put a bit of pressure on her weapon and the tip poked at the side of B.B’s head until a small trickle of blood welled up to mar her white coat" Should it not be mark instead of mar?

“You search her for weapons Brickhouse?” Your search should be in past tense

"It’s called ‘Escort Missions Suck’" It is me that missed something or should it not be sucks?

"Shard still had Arcaidia’s neck practically covered in pointy knives and was looking more and more uncomfortable s the proceedings went on." I think that your s are missing a a

"Brownie points there I guess" Are you sure you meant brownie? The cake? The ohh so lovely cake

"most of the ponies asleep save the guards at the entrance" Maybe add a sound to your asleep to get a better flow

"Down here was lit by more of the lamps like were up in the camp, and the illuminated a big archway in the wall that led into darkness beyond." I think this part need some T.L.C because it was a little bit hard to find head or tail in this

"I screamed past Gramzanber’s haft and dropped to the floor" Your shaft are missing a s

"Ancestors spirits line up and buck me with boulders did this hurt" Remember that it is in past tense, so should be a that

"As if my thoughts were a summons I heard the distinct sound of her icicle spell going off" Should your summons not have been a summoning?

"trying to get my legs into position to buck this thing off me, but whatever it was, and I could barely see anything at the moment, it was incredibly strong and agile and twisted with me" I think that you are missing some words in these sentences

" I couldn’t see much more than that because the thing instantly leapt dup onto the ceiling and with its claws striking sparks on the metal surface skittered towards me." you have a d on your up

" With agility beyond freakish it twisted in mid-air away from the silver spear’s blade and landed on the ground beside me and I suddenly found myself having to hold the thing at bay with both my forelegs and the haft of Gramzanber as both sets of its claws raked at my face." Beside having to many and´s in one sentence are you missing a s on your shaft again

"intending to fake a thrust I could then turn into a cutting motion when it dodge" Again, past tense, so it is dodged

"Orange sparks and arcs of light danced around the thing’s boy and up my spear as I hit and I felt a pressure in my chest and an incredible force hurl me away from the creature as light filled the room and a cracking sound like lightning" I do really not hope that Longwalk hit a boy! So I think that you forgot a d in body

and the joke of the day, "I thought we were being pretty stealthy. We crouched down and everything!"

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Thanks again for the review! Glad you like the Guilds. Even though now I've only been able to introduce a smidgen about them they'll get more of a role down the road. Also glad you liked the music. I'm toying with the idea of adding multiple tracks to one chapter.

And some new questions does yet again spring into my mind. What are the Ruins, or more precisely who´s build them? What are the history about M.M and will she travel with Longwalk and miss Ice Frosty Littleblue Von Scary Death Unicorn on their next adventure? Is this question corner a returning thing? And to that can I only answer yes, yes it is

Heh, and the question corner will have plenty of ammo to come, because I do love to pile on the mystery.

Nitpick time.

*cracks fingers* Fixin' time. As always grateful for the assistance in finding these little hiccups.

Damn it. I had a lot of thoughts about this as I read it.... unfortunately that was over the course of about a day and a half... and now I don't remember enough to actually make the comments.
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs/124974_o.gif

I love the language and I have to ask if it is an actual language.

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That's cool, if you happen to remember I love to read any comments you have, if not, also cool.

The language is one I've mostly made up on the fly, while trying to keep it structured enough to at least resemble a real language.

I have had a hard day today, so no big review this time, just a lovely overall comment over stuff and what else hit my mind.

So new thing with the music, I am going to hear it to build up some atmosphere instead of see how well it goes with the chapter, that is why it is the first real thing today. The music would not be something that I would normally hear, but it is actually rather beautiful. Giving a sense of being alone in a cave or something.

"Alright ladies, I’ll go in first. If you hear me scream, close the door" If I didn´t knew that there was more chapters after this one would I say that it was the end of Longwalk there. He are spilling form the group and tempting fate in the same time, that are just not a smart move boy

SPOILER FOR CHAPTER 5 INCOMMING I was a little bit surprised when Shale died in this chapter, not only had we not learned all about her yet, something that others do for bigger impacts, but beside that did she die in their first boss battle, so we are not even so far in the story yet. In some weird way is it rather refreshing to see that. To see that they are mortal, and are going to loose people so the fights are even more interesting. Not that most battles in Fo:E fics aren´t that, but there is always a little voice saying that they are going to be all right in the end, and that voice did you just shut up. And in some way are it just not the same reading about immortal ponies that can kill anything and just use a bandage after the fight, like it was a anime. So keep up the good work and let the story flow where it need to flow to dude.

And yet more food to the question corner: Filgaia, Odoryuk, Veruni, Hyadean and a giant turtle like thing protecting a hologram. What was those Ruin builders up to? And why should Shale die so she didn´t had the time to tell about the Volunteer Enforcer Corps? What ever that is. And what are they going to use the 50% extra EXP on that they get from being rested?

Nitpicks

"To either side about ten paces away from the opening me and Shale entered from there were metal ramps that led down into the chamber’s main floor" This sounds a bit clunky, and I had to read it a pair times before I got it

"Whatever she’d done it looked like she was reenacting her control of the door" I think that you want a did instead of done here

"I didn’t even try to slow down from a full gallop as I reached the monster’s side and drove Gramzamber straight into one of hind legs after ducking under its swishing tail" I think that you are missing a its with the hind legs

"Besides that might be B.B in danger too." Should your be not have been a bring instead?

And today's joke is... Sadly no one. I could not find one that made me laugh this time, only a bunch that made me smile, so better luck next time

1610331

So new thing with the music, I am going to hear it to build up some atmosphere instead of see how well it goes with the chapter, that is why it is the first real thing today. The music would not be something that I would normally hear, but it is actually rather beautiful. Giving a sense of being alone in a cave or something.

One of my fav tracks from WA4. Been debating maybe putting the link to the tracks, rather than in the title, at a point in the chapter I felt the track would start up naturally.

"Alright ladies, I’ll go in first. If you hear me scream, close the door" If I didn´t knew that there was more chapters after this one would I say that it was the end of Longwalk there. He are spilling form the group and tempting fate in the same time, that are just not a smart move boy

Has he mentioned he's not the brightest colt in his tribe? :twilightsheepish:

Nitpicks

Fixed, and while I was doing so I noticed I had accidentally called the spear 'Gramzamber' for the last half of the chapter, which is now corrected. Hm, wonder how many other times I've done that so far? :derpyderp2:

And here... we... go.

We rejoin our valiant hero as he and his new companion trek off into the wastes. Quickly stumbling upon a group of ponies being attacked by floaty monsters they jump in to save them. After a vicious battle they defeat the monsters only to find that the ponies they saved are monsters in their own right. Smartly not trying to do anything at the time they head off together to the near by town of Saddlesprings. There the hero gets swindled and meets new friends. Some other things happen and they thrown into a set of Ruins to explore and bring back anything useful.

I didn't realize this was a Elderscrolls crossover too! I know Dwermer Spiders when I see them.

I like the Guilds. They make a certain amount of sense, probably arising from the unions of today.

So the Trixie look alike wasn't an accident..:trixieshiftright:

I'm going to guess that B.B. is Blood Bloom.

One question that popped up in my mind... Why is Longwalk so lacking in the ability to walk long distances? Shouldn't he have been named Trailblazer? I think it would have fit his personality more.

My thoughts? Oh, well I could give those too...

Grammar:
You need an editor. Your writing is good, but there are a number of places where punctuation is outright missing, punctuation is miss-used and there are some sentences that could use some work.

Story:
The story arc is mildly interesting so far. Which isn't a bad thing for being so early in the story. You've dropped a lot of hints as to possible directions for the plot to go. I think your biggest problem might be pacing. The last chapter basically started with a fight scene and then everything else was just kinda there. The spike of action near the beginning is good but there really needed to be something towards the end that. Every chapter should have a rise and, unless you are doing a cliffhanger, a short fall of action at the end. I know I have broken this rule before, but it's an important one. This is something you should watch.

Characters:
Over all your characters are well done. You write them consistently and believably. But I feel you have lost something without Trailblaze. Without her Longwalk is just another fool who thinks that he has to save everypony. The two best ways to connect a character to an audience is with comedy and tragedy. Trailblaze and Longwalk gave us the tragedy in the first chapters. For these last two chapters the connection has faded. Iron Wrought provided a little, but his part was so small that it hasn't had a lasting effect. Shale will provide some I'm sure, but her history was given to us without a great deal of impact. Sure she tried to end it in the last chapter, but not in this one. It would have been better if she was more consistent in her desire. Having the others forced to restrain her to keep her from running off and triggering the bomb collar would have made her tragic story more powerful. Finally, B.B. showing up. Well her motivations were good, but I don't understand how she failed to catch up to them before they got anywhere near the Ruins.
TL;DR: I like your characters, I just haven't connected with them yet.

World Building:
I don't have much to say. I like that you are not just piggybacking on the Capital Wastes. I like Detrot and the Guilds. All I'm really waiting for are the OCP and Robocop references and I'll be a happy reader.:trollestia:

Overall:
I'm enjoying it enough. I'll keep reading to see how things progress.

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I didn't realize this was a Elderscrolls crossover too! I know Dwermer Spiders when I see them.

Heheh, funny how weird bio-mechanical monsters can share similar looks. The 'Tunnelers' are kinda of a mish-mash of the actual Tunnelers from Fallout New Vegas: Lonesome Road, and the Wild Arms monster 'Empusa'.

So the Trixie look alike wasn't an accident..:trixieshiftright:

Indeed, was quite intentional. :raritywink:

I'm going to guess that B.B. is Blood Bloom.

:rainbowderp:

One question that popped up in my mind... Why is Longwalk so lacking in the ability to walk long distances? Shouldn't he have been named Trailblazer? I think it would have fit his personality more.

Thought about calling him 'Pathfinder' briefly in my initial writing of this, but went with Longwalk because, while it not really related to his talent, it is prophetic of the long journey that's ahead of him.

My thoughts? Oh, well I could give those too...

You make a lot o good points; and that video was really cool and helpful. Never really thought much about how to make pacing work, and the video makes a very succinct and effective example of how it should work. I'll have to start trying to incorporate the method in future chapters.

I agree that something is a little lost on Longwalk's character without Trailblaze there. Without spoiling future plot developments I can only say that you haven't seen the last of her in the story.

And yes, I am rather bad at keeping my grammar tight and clean. Really need to step it up with going back to older chapters to hitting them with the hammer of righteous editing. I'm mostly so eager to get to the next chapter though its hard to go back to the older ones for too long. :twilightblush:

In any case, thank you for the words both encouraging and critiquing, as they'll help me be even more pumped to work at making the story even better. :twilightsmile:

I already wrote this... but apparently it didn't take, so I'm just going to hit the bullet points
This was a much better chapter. The pacing was good. Characters are interacting better. Fight scenes were well done.

My only complaint is more a pet-peeve than anything else. I hate history lessons. Where one character sits down to explain everything to another character. This is not bad when you are building your own lore, but when you are detailing the lore from the derived story (in this case FoE) it is at best boring, and usually awkward, and at worst it can be insulting. Unless it is necessary for the reader to know these things for later in the story than it is just extra words that don't need to be included. In other words, unless the story will be dealing directly with the Ministries and what they did you don't need to tell us about them. This is true for everything from the Ministries to Celestia to SPP; reference whenever, but don't explain it unless you have to.
You've handled it well by skimming the conversation about the Ministries and not giving us the play by play, so props on that. :pinkiesmile:

1670414 Agg darn i ran out of chapters to read, your doing a great job i could feel myself being pulled in keep it up you have my approval. :twilightsheepish:

I don't usually read FoE fics, but the reincarnated Trixie is pulling me in.

Fun chapter. Lots of stuff happening. Giant robots, Left overs of the GPE. Death, destruction, and a hero who really doesn't want to kill anyone.
I can't wait to see how long Crossfire and the drifters end up sticking around.

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Yeah, I tried my best to make that part sort of abridged. Just need to establish sometimes that Longwalk is getting some baseline information about FoE history, since there'll be points he'll encounter relevant stuff and I need him to already know what things like the Ministries are so he's not asking too many questions mid-chapter.

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Thanks, I'll try to keep up a regular pace with getting more chapters done.

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Glad to hear it. :twilightsmile: Much as I love writing her language I'm looking forward to the point in the story where I get her talking normally. Give her some real dialogue.

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Everything is better with giant robots. :rainbowdetermined2:

Oh, and for those who like awesome things, doomande was awesome enough to have this made. Words fail to articulate my feelings of gratitude, so I'll get a small army of Pinkies to do it for me; Pinkie Mirror Brigade Go!
:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

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Funny thing, that particular piece was the thing that drew me here. It's been featured on EQD.

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:pinkiegasp: you are right! It are picture nr 34 here

Damn do I think that my money are well spent or what :rainbowkiss:

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I hope that particular piece has helped attract more readers. Arcadia is quite the mystery.

Fucking browser closed down in the middle of the story and ate my review, so this is not so much a review more a comment.

There is especial 3 things that you need to look at in this chapter: your wording, your scenes and the triple periods.

Normally do I think that you have some fine wording in your chapters, but it was like there was missing something in this, like I read a draft and not the final product after the finishing touches. Not that it was a bad chapter for that, but it was a little sad to be disappointed over something like that in your story while your normally are doing it so well.

This is something that I see in a lot of Fo:E stories, and I do not know why this is so common a problem, but your scenes in this chapter was way to long. You have 20K words here, and only one break in it. 20K words are rather much, it are a forth of the first Harry potter book. Think on how many sides that are, and how it would have been to read The Sorcerer's Stones with only 8 chapters. One of the things that frighten most readers away from Fo:E are the length of the story, and chapters none the less, so having next to none natural breaks (or chapters in your chapter) are killing the reading experience. I read a lot, and I had a hard time motivate me because it felt so long.

And the third thing is that you need a space after your triple periods, I know that it is a nitpick when you look at the other stuff I have said this time, but it are still legit.

And sorry if I sound a little sour this time, but all the positive stuff I had to say got nommed in my first review, and I would have to read the whole chapter again to make it sound right, something that I sadly do not have the time and energy to right now

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Don't sweat it, like I said, I appreciate all constructive criticism. :twilightsmile:

I'll see about trying to make chapters more manageable in terms of length and finding some places to provide natural breaks. I might need to go over chapter 8 again in that regard, as its pretty long and thinking back to it I don't think I put many breaks in there, if any at all. I might want to fix that before you get to it. :twilightblush:

SPOILER FOR CHAPTER 6
I know that this comment comes out form nowhere, but this segment is just to golden to go past me:

A plan quickly took form in my head in the haphazard ‘no time to really refine it’ way plans tended to with me. Step one; help Crossfire and Co. deal with the immediate pegasi threat here at the sheriff’s station. Step two; convince Crossfire not to shoot me and that it was in her best interest to help me rescue Saddlespring’s townsfolk. Step three; rescue townsfolk and get them as far away from here possible with as few deaths as possible because death sucks and I’d had enough of it for one day/lifetime/epoch. Step four; collapse in an exhausted heap and alternate between sleeping and crying for the next week. Step five;…profit?

Not only did you make a rather serous segment here, that showed the stress and pressure on Longwalk, but it had also so good humor that I laughed so much that I cried and a meme. Ye god! It is golden moments like these that I read your story for

Maybe now Longwalk will stop being a liability to his friends?

You do a great job with the internal moralistic arguments. It's nice to see a pony who not only isn't okay with killing in the beginning, but one who actually struggles with it. Knowing that on some level he has to in order to survive but still isn't okay with it.

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Heheh, Longwalk and plans still don't quite get along, but the guy tries.

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Thanks! There'll be more ARMs to come. :rainbowdetermined2:

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It was one thing I was wondering how it would come out, making Longwalk that hesitant to kill. :twilightblush:

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