• Published 25th Jun 2012
  • 7,924 Views, 585 Comments

Halo: X Team in Equestria - The Good Dark Lord



A team of 6 OC SPARTANS from a FANON version of the Halo universe end up in Equestria. Crack ensues.

  • ...
49
 585
 7,924

Sir Cuss- a- Lot

"SHIT!" Richard yelled as he and Ashley struggled against the powerful winds that were sucking them out of the Longsword. "I HATE PHYSICS!"

Both SPARTANs lost their grips on the Longsword's ramp. Braden appeared just as they fell away.

"FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" Was one of the few words Richard could say as he was free falling. He noticed that Ashley was drifting away from him, possibly due to a gust of wind.

Anyways, where was he? Oh yes.

"ShitshitshitgoddammitshitassdammitcrapcrapshitAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"

Richard was nearing the ridiculously green and lush ground. He braced himself the best he could, and hoped to some non specific deity (Even though as a SPARTAN he was naturally an atheist) that he wouldn't end up like a screwed over Helljumper.

*HONK HONK*

Richard noticed a train below him. The train was incredibly cartoonish in appearance, and was very colorful. It was moving along a railroad that was directly where he was maybe sort of probably going to land.

"Oh shit I think I'm going to hit that."

Richard crashed right through the roof of the second last car the head locomotive was pulling. Somehow, don't ask, but apparently Richard's impact with the roof was enough to break his fall. He landed on the floor with a loud *THUD*. The wooden floor he landed on splintered, but fortunately it didn't break.

**********

A generic family that consisted of an OC stallion, an OC mare, and their OC filly daughter sat in the third last compartment, waiting to arrive at their destination: Appleloosa. They were the only ones in their section.

*CRASH*

"What was that?" The mare asked in alarm, protectively holding her daughter.

"It came from the other section. I'm going to check it out." The stallion said.

"Be careful daddy." The young filly adorably said.

The stallion gave a small smile and reassuringly patted the filly on the head. He walked over to the back door, opened it, walked through, and closed it. He stepped over to the other compartment, taking care to not lose his balance and fall to his death.

He reached the compartment where the noise had come from, and opened the door.

A large blue creature was on its knees and hands, groaning in pain. It put one hand to the side of its head, and seemed to be trying to regain its senses. The stallion noticed a large hole in the roof and a noticeable dent in the floor beneath the creature, so he assumed the creature had crashed through the roof.

The creature suddenly looked up at him. It had no mouth, but it did have one eye that was thin and almost stretched all the way to the very sides of its head.

They stared at each other for a full half minute.

Eventually the stallion decided that his soul had been stared at for long enough, so he calmly closed the door, and returned to his wife and child in the other compartment.

"Was there something wrong?" His wife asked.

"Nope." He replied as casually dismissive as possible.

**********

"Well that was weird." Richard thought to himself after the pony had left.

He brushed the thought aside and stood up. The room he was in rattled and bumped, causing him to take a step back. He looked out the nearest window. The landscape outside was moving by at an alarmingly fast pace. "I'm on a train." He mentally slapped himself. "No shit Sherlock!"

"Okay, first course of action: get off this train, and follow the tracks back to the others."

Richard proceeded to the back door and stepped out. He looked to both his left and right, and noticed that the landscape the train was currently traveling through was becoming increasingly arid. He hopped over the small gap and entered the next compartment. It looked like the previous one, but plainer. He opened the door in the back, and discovered that he was at the end of the caboose, as there was but a small platform to stand on and a safety railing.

Looking at the horizon, he realized that the greenery filled environment he was originally going to fall into was now several miles away, and that he was currently in a dry sandy desert. And for every second he spent on the train, the deeper he went into the desert.

"Goddammit."

He positioned himself on the railing, and prepared to jump. "Okay on the count of three I'm going to jump. One... two... thr-"

The caboose hit a bump.

"SHIT!"

Richard fell off the caboose, and rolled a few times when he hit the ground. The train continued going down the track as if nothing had happened, and slowly got smaller as it got farther from Richard.

Richard was lying flat on his stomach on the railroad. "Well, at least there's no third rail. Heh." He stood up and stepped away from the railroad track, in case another train should come by.

Before he started his trek, he tried to remember what he had learned of this world from Kenny. "Okay so I'm in a cartoon in a country called Equestria that is populated by talking ponies. Crap."

A sudden thought popped into Richard's head. He checked what weapons he had on him. "Hmm... a battle rifle and a magnum... and they're both broke. Damn. Wait, I got one frag grenade. Good. And what about my... phew, didn't lose them." Richard unsheathed his dual combat knives from his waist and examined them. They appeared to be undamaged, and sharp as ever. He put them back into their holders.

Richard opened a com channel. "This is Major Richard 046, do any UNSC forces read me over? Braden, do you read me over?" Nobody answered. He shut the channel off. "I'll have to try again later."

Suddenly he felt thirsty. He checked himself to see whether he had any water on him. He didn't. "Ah crap."

Richard looked down the railway towards the direction he had come from. Over there was water. And his teammates. Richard started walking. "It's probably closer than it looks." He thought. "Why, I bet within the hour, I'll already be there."

**********

It had been one hour and twenty minutes, and it seemed to Richard that he had barely covered any distance. There was a slight drag to his walk. He may have been a SPARTAN, but he was still a human, and he was really freaking thirsty. His last drink had been about an hour before the slipspace accident.

Sand was kicked aside with every step he took. All of the cacti he passed by were shriveled and dry, they most likely did not have any water in them. Every now and then he spotted a small lizard or scorpion that quickly scurried off. A rattlesnake tried to bite him, but only succeeded in fracturing its fangs.

The scorching sun blazed heat down upon him, seemingly mocking him. "Screw you too sun." He looked ahead. The greenery in the distance was still far off. "How fast was that damn train moving?"

Something caught his attention off in the distance to his far right. He squinted. The shapes were hazy, but they eventually revealed themselves to be a town.

Civilization!

But Richard did not move in. He did not know whether or not the inhabitants would be hostile or not. Too many unknowns. He decided to try calling X Team again.

He opened a channel. A voice immediately answered. "Hello? This is X 1; SPARTAN 007; does anyone read me over?"

"This is X 2; SPARTAN 046; I read you." Richard noticed his voice sounded like it had a little static in it, so he didn't know how well it came out on the other end.

"Richard! Richard is that you?!"

"Colonel, my equipment is damaged, and I can see a town. Orders?"

"Richard, stay away from any and all population centers and stay where you are. We will come to you. Can you confirm if Ashley is still alive?"

"Negative. I have not seen her since falling out of the Longsword."

"Richard, we're coming to get you. I'm sending X 4, 5, and 6 to get you. Clear?"

Richard suddenly lost whatever saliva he still had in his throat. His voice came out tired and raspy. "Hurry."

The call was dropped. Even though he was practically dying, Richard was glad to know that at least four other members of his team had survived. He looked over to the town again, and almost shit a brick.

The town was gone. After a few moments of contemplation, Richard realized that he must have seen a mirage.

Then he almost shit another brick. Not only was he vague as hell about his location to the team, he had just sent them on a wild goose chase. For all any of them knew, they were searching in the opposite direction.

Richard quickly tried to create another com channel, but all that came through was static. "Oh, NOW it decides to be fried by the sun." He sarcastically said to himself.

Richard continued his epic journey of following the train track that was built by ponies through a hot sandy desert.

He decided to ignore just how retarded that ultimately sounded.

**********

Night had fallen. After the day's hike Richard had covered a decent amount of distance to his destination, but he still had a long way to go. Fortunately he had managed to leave the desert and was now in the grasslands. He also found a small running stream, which he drank gratefully. But now he needed rest. He was sitting against a rock, away from the tracks, sleeping.

**********

Richard opened his eyes to bright sunlight. He stood up, stretched, and gave a groan. Sleeping in one's armor kind of hurts. He suddenly realized just how hungry he was. He scanned the area for any game he could eat, but he saw nothing.

"Well, I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing."

Richard started digging in the dirt. It didn't take long for him to find his prize.

"Worm spaghetti with beetle grub meatballs. Yipee."

**********

For several more hours Richard followed the tracks. The further he went, the more lush the land became. He also started seeing animals such as rabbits and birds.

Richard noticed something strange about the horizon. It seemed distorted, like it sloped down suddenly and then came back up. As he came nearer the source of his confusion, he found out why.

He was standing at the edge of a massive gorge. The tracks spanned across its great length, supported by large wooden beams. A wide river ran along the bottom, which was being fed by a waterfall far to Richard's right off in the distance. Richard noticed a sign.

DANGER! YOU ARE NOW CROSSING GHASTLY GORGE!

"Subtle name."

He looked at the bridge. "Should I cross it? Or go around it? ...The hell am I thinking? Of course I'll go around it! No way in hell I'm crossing that bridge."

Richard turned north to go around the gorge. However, just as he took his first step, the ground underneath gave away. "OH SHIT!" Richard tumbled down the rocky slope. He couldn't find anything to grab onto.

"Owfrakballsdammitcrapshitfrakballsassshitdammit!" He finally hit a solid edge that was jutting out from the side. "OW."

He got up and dusted himself off. He looked up to the top and then down to the bottom. He guessed that he was somewhere at the half- way point.

He sighed. "I guess I'm going across after all." Richard began carefully climbing the rest of the way down, occasionally having to jump from ledge to ledge when a gap was just too wide.

He finally reached the bottom. The soil was hard and damp. As he neared the river the ground became more gravelly. He stuck a finger into the water's current, testing it. The water was moving at a fast pace, but it was nothing he couldn't handle.

Richard carefully waded into the river. The current pushed against him, but he kept his course. So far it was pretty shallow for him, waist height, and the water was clear. He could see salmon swimming past his legs. His foot suddenly felt a slope, and he took a step back. Looking into the water, he could see a noticeable drop off. He guessed that it must have gone down about ten feet. Richard stood on the edge of the drop off, launched himself into the deep water, and started swimming to the other side like an Olympic athlete. After about fifteen seconds he decided that he should check the water's depth. He was in the shallows again. Looking back he saw that the deeper water was only two feet behind him.

Richard trudged the rest of the way out of the river and onto the bank. He looked up at the cliff- face. Like the other side, there were plenty of ledges and easy places to climb around to get to the top. But, something was different. The cliff was dotted with large holes. Animal nests? He would have to be careful around those if that was the case.

Richard started climbing. With ease he lifted himself from ledge to ledge, getting nearer and nearer the top. Then he noticed that he had somehow gotten himself directly below one of the holes. He suddenly felt very cautious. He lifted one hand so as to move around the hole.

A giant sized blob appeared on his motion tracker for a second.

Richard froze. He pressed himself against the cliff- face, waiting. For what he did not know

...

Nothing.

He slowly reached his hand out to a nearby ledge. He accidentally knocked over a small pebble.

A red blur suddenly shot out from the hole above him. Looking up Richard came face to face with something that could make a Brute Chieftain piss himself in fear.

A giant eel was staring down at him, reared up, snarling, hunger in its eyes. The giant eel roared at Richard, spitting saliva all over him, especially on his visor.

He wiped the spit off his visor. "Oh, I am so going to wipe the floor with you."

The eel opened its mouth and quickly snapped up Richard. The monster tilted its head up to swallow him, when Richard grabbed onto one of its lower teeth. The eel started shaking its head so as to make him lose his grip, but Richard wasn't keen on the idea of being some animal's lunch.

The SPARTAN placed both of his feet between the eel's teeth on both sides of its mouth. Moving quickly, Richard picked his only grenade off from his belt, pulled the pin, and chucked it down the eel's throat.

He pulled himself further up the mouth so as to give him some space from the-

*BOOM*

...Explosion.

Richard tried to keep his balance as the eel rocked its head back. It opened its mouth to roar, but instead only gurgled blood. That was his chance. Richard jumped out from the beast's mouth and grabbed onto the nearest cliff ledge. By sheer luck, he had managed to grab a ledge that was a few feet above the eel's hole. He climbed up a little bit, found his footing, and looked back down.

The eel's limp head was slightly hanging out of its hole. Its eyes were dark and glazed over, and its neck just below the jawline was an enormous hole of ripped up flesh and gore. Blood trailed down along the cliff. It was dead.

Several giant red blobs started appearing on Richard's motion tracker. He tensed up and looked around. Eels from the nearby holes were leaving their homes, closing in on him. However, when they did get close, Richard realized that they were not interested in him...

He started climbing faster. This was his best chance to get to the top while the other predators were distracted. Sure he could easily take them all on with his knives alone, it's just that he doesn't exactly have the time for them.

Richard finally reached the top of the gorge, and rolled over onto the flat surface. He stood up, and took one final look at the grisly scene below him. The eels were deeply engrossed in their meal. Richard started walking away.

After only ten steps he stopped and looked at himself. "Ugh. I really gotta find someplace to wash this blood and spit off."

**********

Richard found a sizable river to wash off the gore that evening. "Wait, evening?" He had not noticed that the sun was starting to set. "Better find some shelter soon." He stepped out of the water and scanned his surroundings. A couple hundred yards to the north was a forest.

A very dark forest.

"It will have to do."

The SPARTAN approached the treeline. He stopped. Not out of fear, but out of mild surprise. The trees were noticeably lacking in height. Most of them were a mere five meters in height, while the tallest ones were just under thirty feet. He entered the woods.

The stars were now visible in the night sky. Or at least visible when an opening appeared in the thick canopy. Richard was having a little difficulty navigating his way around the trunks of the trees, which he couldn't but help feel give off ominous vibes.

"Grrrr..."

He stopped and turned toward the direction from where he heard the animal. A large dot appeared on his motion tracker. He could hear something slowly coming near him in the bushes as it stepped on fallen leaves and twigs.

The creature revealed itself. It was a lion with a scarlet mane, bat wings flaring out from its back, and a scorpion's tail. It growled at him again.

Richard had read Greek mythology. He knew what it was. "A manticore. It's a goddamn manticore. Why am I still surprised by this world at this point?"

The manticore continued stalking towards him, growling, no doubt planning on eating him. He stood still, calm.

The manticore was now only two feet away from him. It reared up on its hind legs, raised its massive clawed paw, and-

Richard bitch slapped the manticore in the face. It coiled back, and gave a whimper.

"Beat it pussycat."

The manticore gave a frightened "mew" and ran off.

**********

Richard stepped into something sloshy. He looked down. His foot was submerged in muck. He pulled it out and took a step back onto more stable ground.

"I must be in a bog. Better call it a day for now. Last thing I need is to get stuck in a mud- trap in the middle of the night."

He noticed a large tree nearby with thick branches. He climbed up, and laid down on a branch that seemed to hold his weight.

**********

Richard suddenly woke up, and fell out of the tree. "Ow, dammit!"

He quickly stood up and started sniffing the air. That smell had woken him up. He sniffed again.

Smoke. He smelled smoke.

Either the forest was burning down, or somebody had lit a fire. He climbed back up the tree, and climbed higher until he was at the top, holding onto the tip with one hand. He looked over the horizon, searching for a plume of smoke.

He saw it. Just a few miles north, deeper into the bog, a thin plume of smoke was rising out from the treetops. Maybe it was the other SPARTANs. Or maybe it was some of the locals. Either way, he was gonna find out.

The tip of the tree that he was holding onto snapped off.

"OH FU-"

*THUMP*

"I really gotta stop falling off of things..."

**********

Richard trudged through the thick muck of the bog, getting nearer the source of the smoke with each step. He took the opportunity to walk on solid ground whenever he could, but for the most part he was forced to move through mud.

"Shit and more shit everywhere."

As a SPARTAN, he naturally did not like having to move through mud. It made him slower, and a more easy target. Instinct told him to look around for any Jackal Snipers. For all he knew, the Covenant had followed the SPARTANs to this world.

(They didn't but Richard has a right to be cautious ya know.)

The source of the smoke was now less than fifty feet away, on a small island in the middle of the bog. A thick grove of trees were in his way. He slipped through and stepped onto solid ground. He quietly sneaked through the trees, and found the source.

In the center of the island was a small campfire. Two trout were roasting over the fire on sharpened sticks. Richard looked around. Whoever had did this was nowhere to be seen. He stayed where he was, waiting.

"Oly Oly Oxen Free." A female voice calmly said.

"Did I really hear that?" Richard thought to himself. He stood up and responded. "Oly Oly Oxen Free, All out in the free, We're all free. Is that you Ashley?"

A SPARTAN in grey Rouge armor dropped down from the canopy in front of him. He noticed that she had some strange wooden decoration on her left shoulder. "Major." She simply said.

It took all of Richard's willpower to keep himself from giving an undignified "Gah!" in surprise. "Warrant Officer." He responded.

**********

After the two SPARTANs gave each other a brief simplified summary on what happened to both of them, they ate the two cooked trout and put out the fire. "We have to go north." Ashley said.

"I agree. How far do you think the others are?"

She shrugged. "If they haven't moved, ten miles. Give or take."

"Move out."

"Yes sir."

The two SPARTANs traveled north through the bog. After about an hour they found their way into normal forestry. And by "normal forestry", I mean creepy as hell atmosphere, trees, plants, and sound effects.

At one point during their hike, Richard heard a wolf- like growling. He turned his head to the shadows to see several pairs of glowing yellow eyes staring straight at him. They started coming closer, but stopped when Ashley turned and looked at them. The creatures quieted down, and quickly began backing off.

"What was that?" Richard asked.

"Timber wolves." Ashley responded.

"They seemed scared of you. Is there something I should know?"

She gave a light tap on the wooden decoration on her shoulder. "Where do you think I got this from?"

Richard took a moment to actually observe the piece of wood. Then he recognized it for what it truly was. "Oh."

Mounted on Ashley's shoulder pad was the top half of a wooden wolf's head.

**********

"He looks mad." Ashley quietly said.

"Yeah," Richard responded, "Let's not surprise him."

It was early evening, and just through the trees the two SPARTANs could see both the crashed Longsword and Colonel Braden. However, they felt a little hesitant about going near him. You see, SPARTANs have a knack for reading body language. And if Richard and Ashley were to choose two words to describe Braden right now, those words would be "bloody" and "murder".

Richard accidentally stepped on a twig, which snapped. Braden shot up from his sitting position and aimed his sniper rifle in their direction.

Richard looked to Ashley, shrugged, and whistled "Oly Oly Oxen Free."

**********

"...And then you brought us in here, I started telling you what happened during the past three days from my perspective." Richard said, thus finishing his tale. He, Braden, and Ashley were currently in the cockpit of the Longsword.

"Well, sounds like things went better for you two than us." Braden said.

Richard softly chuckled. "We leave you alone with those three for a few days, and look what happens. So, what's the plan?"

"Hold on now, I believe we have one more story." Braden looked to Ashley.

"Fine." Ashley said.

Richard noticed something was off. Ashley never responded to anyone, especially her superior officers, in such an informal manner. He suspected that she had something to hide, something she didn't want to talk about.