Best Laid Plans

by Darth Atrox

The Human

Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Life was hell.

No, seriously, it fucking sucked.

Although, consistency was, apparently, life's strong point. Being shortchanged through life, well, this was a perfect end apparently.

His parents were tall---hell, his dad was six-five! He is five-one. His parents were athletes. He walked with a limp. His parents were fit, he is overweight.

Have any of you picked up on the fact that his parents are being described in the past tense?

Yup, orphaned at 12. Car accident.

Stayed in a group home till he was 18, being beaten, and abused by his peers. Simply because they could.

Yes, abused as in sexually abused. People always ask.

'My whole fucking life, I've received the short end of the stick, and THIS is the fucking ICING on the GODDAMN CAKE!' He thought to himself. Twenty-Six years of hell, but life wasn't finished with him. Apparently it wanted his balls too.

Testicular Cancer.

Oh yeah, life was just fucking with him now. Here he was. A short, crippled, pasty white guy who was about to be castrated.

"Excuse me, Mr. King?" A young nurse asked. Oh yeah, his name's James King. "The operating room is ready for you. I'll be wheeling you over.." She said. He gave her a curt nod. After hopping off the table, he limped over to the wheelchair.

/)(\

Black. That's it, just...black. There was...nothing around.

'I always imagined a void being white.' James thought to himself. "Wait...am I dead?" He asked aloud.

"Not really." Said a strange voice. It actually sounded vaguely familiar. "You're...on the precipice. You're not alive, but you're not dead either."

What the fuck was going on!? Was this God? Or and Angel?

"Well, I am a God. Just not your God. I don't have any power over you unless you will it." Okay, so some weird ass Pagan God or something wants you for some reason. Assuming that all of this was real, of course.

"Oh, it is real. Don't worry about that." An elongated figure seemed to fly into his sights. It's body seemed to be comprised of different animal parts. It's left arm was am eagle claw and it's right was a lions paw. It's left leg was a hoof, and it's right was what seemed to be a dragons leg. It had a long serpentine tail and it's head was equine-like. It had silver eyebrows and goatee, as well as piercing red eyes.

"...da fuck are you?" Tactful as ever, James couldn't help but ask. However, instead of becoming upset, the creature laughed.

"I know you don't know about me, but that's alright. I try not to come around your reality. I always get too jealous." It spoke. "I'm getting a little off topic. I am Discord. God of Chaos." There were no dramatics or flashing lights. Just a simple introduction. Very simple for a guy who just called himself a God.

"And?" James asked.

"Glad you asked!" Cried the beast. "How would you like the powers of a God?" Discord said, cutting to the chase.

"I'd like that very much. Too bad this is all just a dream." He complained.

"And what makes you say that?"

"A 'God' just jumps into my life and offers me omnipotence out of nowhere? First of all: I don't believe in Gods; second of all: why me? If there's one thing my life has taught me is that if something sounds too good to be true, it is."

"Trust me, I know all about your life. That's why I picked you. You've been powerless your whole life. You've had nothing. Now I'm offering you everything!"

"Ah. I get it. So why now? I could've used you a little sooner." James asked.

"I needed to gather enough power to make the trans-universal jump and enough to make a return trip for two, just in case you decide to accept."

"Aren't you supposed to be a God? Shouldn't all of this be easy for you?"

"Normally you'd be right. But I am physically...indisposed at the moment. You see, I love chaos. It's just what I do. But the inhabitants of my universe despise chaos. They love their perfect, harmonious world. So when I spread chaos, they found a way to imprison me. My powers and body are quantum-locked in stone. But my spirit is free to roam. And if I absorb enough ambient power from the atmosphere, I can even jump universes." James nodded, accepting the explanation.

"Okay, lets assume, that I'm not insane. What do you want from me? There's no way in hell you would do this without you getting something out of it." He asked.

"Well, I just want you to spread a little chaos. You see, The spell that keeps my body frozen is keyed to my signature. If I put you in my body and "put you in the driver's seat," so to speak, the spell won't recognize you as me and release my body. Then, have a little fun. Cause a little chaos. I'll be taking body back after a while, but...let's just say I think you deserve it."

James thought about it. Hard. On one hand, this could all a stupid dream. On the other, this could be real. It was a very slim chance, but if Gods did exist then it was more than possible that they could transcend universes.

What do I have to lose?

What did he have to lose? His life sucked. No friends. No family. He was just pathetic and alone. There was absolutely no one.

"Alright. I accept." James held out his hand. Discord smiled and reached out and gripped it with his bear paw.

/)(\

"Doctor! He's flatlining!" Cried out the nurse.

"Get the defibrillator!" The doctor ordered. One of the other surgeons quickly wheeled one over. The head surgeon quickly set it up. "Clear!" He cried. Jame's body jumped at the voltage, but nothing happened. "Clear!" He tried again. Nothing. "Clear!" Nothing. "Clear!" Nothing. "Clea---"

"---Doctor! It's over. He's gone." One of the nurses draped a white sheet over his body.

"Time of death: 8:32 PM." The doctor said. 'But what went wrong?'

/)(\

In the Canterlot gardens Discord's statue exploded in a white flash of light. However, instead of Discord, a human stood on the pedestal. He stepped off slowly, and observed his surroundings.

'I feel...different. Stronger.' James thought. He noticed a large pond near him. Stepping towards it, he observed his reflection. Instead of himself, he saw someone else. It was a good-looking guy. His short, black hair was combed neatly, and his stubble was cut short and neatly trimmed. "What happened to me?" It wasn't a bad change. Hell, he loved it. He was good-looking, and tall too! He was easily six foot two. And he was cut! "I look like a superhero!"

'This is how you see yourself.' A voice inside his head. 'Everyone has an idea of their perfect selves. This is how you want to look. The thing is, you now have the power to actually change your form.'

"Cool. So why am I naked?"

'The peoples of this world don't normally wear clothing, me included. You're in my body you know. Just conjure yourself up some clothes.'

James snapped his fingers and he was immediately wearing a black suit.

'Nice. What is that? Italian?'

"Yup. So, tell me about these 'peoples.'"

'Well, for starters, they're not people. They're ponies.'

"Say what?"

As if to prove his point, a white stallion stomped over to him. He was wearing some gold armor and he had a stern expression on his face.

"Who are you!? What are you doing here!?" James only stared.

He held out his hand and calmly said: "There's nothing to see here. Go back to your post." The stallion looked dazed for a moment before turning around and calmly leaving. "I've always wanted to do that!" He claimed excitedly. "Jedi Mind trick, baby!" He laughed. "Let's get out of here." Snapping his fingers, the garden and courtyard disappeared and were replaced by a large forest.

"You know, Discord. I don't think I'll ever get tired of this."

'Yeah.' Discord laughed. 'I know what you mean.'

"And you never will again." He snapped his fingers and felt Discords presence slip away from his mind. Buried. "Now. Time to have some fun..."

Comments

[OminousTen]

eagainst.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/anarchy.jpg

looking interesting, Human with broken past seizes control of chaos in a world of Harmony
All he needs now is a kick ass title I vote for Anarchy

[Khorne]

His title should be Anarchy or Mayhem

[reader of the night]

Love it how he screwed Discord, you gave me these powers on loan so you could free yourself and give me a taste of sweet sweet power?
Awesome, now go fuck yourself.

[Smurf]

i like this, this looks awesome

[kazoie1]

this is prob one of the best ideas i have ever heard of...ever

[Levite]

This fic has potential I tell you that. "I'll be taking my body back after a while".
I wonder what will James do when he realizes he has no body to return to.

[Andreno]

Very interesting. I want to see more of this.

[Jack Kellar]

i1114.photobucket.com/albums/k535/jedidan669/JEDI/jedi-mind-trick.gif

[Adamanthys]

"And you never will again." He snapped his fingers and felt Discords presence slip away from his mind. Buried. "Now. Time to have some fun..."

Heh heh, I'm liking this guy. Not going to be discords bitch...