- Member Since 12th Aug, 2016
- offline last seen Yesterday
stallion-net
Just a brony doing what other writers on this site would do.
stallion-net
Joined 12th Aug, 2016 ·
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It's hard to write in second person, so kudos for making the attempt.
That said, you need to find a proofreader/editor if you want anyone to be able to make it past the first few paragraphs. In the first paragraph alone (my corrections in bold):
It's important to keep your tenses consistent. You can tell a story in the present tense, or (more traditionally), in the past, but you can't mix tenses - choose one and stick with it. You should also work on homonyms - it's vs. its and your vs. you're. Also, while conversational English can find its way into the written word (for example, most of Catcher in the Rye), it really ought not to be there until you learn when it can be appropriately employed.
A good first effort, but I strongly recommend you read more published works and keep an eye on how tenses, dialogue, and sentence structure are employed.
7480285 Thnx for the advice.
Pretty good for your first story im in fact somewhat hyped for the next part
Plz get rid of the acronyms in the story. It is too distracting from what is otherwise a good story.
7481852 I'll see what I can do
I'm enjoying it keep going
seeing couples their
you're
? = Needs a comma here.
has an
Needs '?' at end not full stop.
just put Anon here as everyone else does and delete the 2 insert (favourite.......) ones as well.
everything
? = needs comma here.
delete 'do just'
Sunset
who
Sunset's
a pair of
who
showed them to seating in
to take over the school, but with help
Sunset
? = the
"" not needed
* = Aria ( her name needs adding here)
or
'bed, dresser and closet' don't need capitals.
I do like this story, just a few typo hiccups, nothing to worry about.
It has a lot of potential :) I would love to see more of this, proven you can also find a worthy editor or proofreader.
Sorry to be a bit of a dick about it, but the main character seems perfectly ok with Sunset Shimmer; whilst redeemed, she committed to the same act not much more than a while ago. It just feels as though the character has developed or has double standards, despite obviously disliking Aria a whole bunch.
Will this be developed upon? Or are you going for the anime-esque 'Argument then resolve' plotline?
or playing video games on your game console while eating chips or other junk food, even your favorite snack.
She's
"What you doing?"
smirked
Aria
pathetic about you? (add 'you')
angrily
retaliation, but what came
you didn't finish because
angrily
Still good story, keep it up.
"Damn," You said,
you (Lower case here)
worse
kiss
delete 'a'
your
' apostrophe at start & finish of mental quote, remove quote marks. Remove brackets from game console and favorite game, irrelevant.
? = your
take
think
Meanwhile with Aria: (otherwise it sounds like he went to bed with Aria sort of.)
KISS
Yes, by all means keep it up, this is a promising story.
Please can you replace these with Anon or choose a name? It's easy for us to mentally substitute Anon for our name in our minds.
taking another
articles
Aria
you'd
delete 'the'
* = you
tongues were
lean
I'm guessing she fell asleep at
t05.deviantart.net/-3kgYvoT5mzMPYIaD2iKyaflV5I=/fit-in/700x350/filters:fixed_height(100,100):origin()/pre14/5366/th/pre/i/2015/359/5/2/aria_blaze_by_aliciathefox231-d9lftdj.png
Later in the story you could use this shower scene in reverse once they get better acquainted, but with Aria sneaking in as she has the more aggressive personality, it sounds more feasible.
7499416 thnx for the feedbacks, I thought using (your name) would, but if you insist on changing them to Anon, then I'll make that change, along with the other errors I made. The proofreader I have, it's not an advance version, so it won't show me the major mistakes I made. Anyways, glad your liking it so far.
7499284 The proofreader I have is not an advance version so it doesn't show the major errors I made, but thanks anyway.
7499289 well the thing is that she asked for forgiveness afterwards, the sirens however didn't not
7499416 she was asleep the entire time until her alarm woke her up.
Great, dream sequence posed on the other hoof. can't wait for the morning breakfast scene, should be awkward, interesting, maybe confrontational?
!
Only spotted one space missing but as I found nothing else, didn't think it worth pointing out, so well done on the writing skills sir, much improved
i love the dazzlings so i want to love this but i just cant get past of the spelling and grammar mistakes.
7507529 sorry
Interesting. Following
Mr and Mrs Smith moment going on here
I am now caught up and I love it
'was' on both.
Hey (capital)
others (plural)
hung
? = you
them were
delete double up
way, "This (missed quote marks.
then
For elements of harmony, they don't pick up on romance very well do they?
They say when two people fight, they really care for each other.
With that said, the plot is clear. They have been shipped.
? = thinking
? = how to
open
Just going to rewrite this one.
"Certainly, we've made thousands of Jewelry items based on how our customers would like them. Do you have a custom design?"
Add 'of' & 'items' then change comma to full stop after 'them'
we'll
Put 'too' after chair, maybe delete 'of', I'll leave that to you. (You got off your chair too,)
wash
some
It will have to be something really special as a necklace, I don't think she's easily impressed.
Anon needs some courage pills. 
freesites.com.au/login/members/imagemanager/images/d14220ee66aeec73c49038385428ec4c/Nixon-Advantage-Courage-Pills.JPG
Aria
Maybe put 'as' in here? Even 'then' could be another 'as'.
there's
I agree with Aria on this sentiment, If it's not reality TV for one, it's politically correct & chlorinated to death crap!
it's
Now I'm reminded of this...
it's
Last apostrophe one space to left to finish thought phrase.
...start of next chapter Anon tries to sneak up on Aria, 'What's that buzzing sound?'
This is great!
7566537 actually I have something different planned for the next chapter.
before
Should be 'I'
? = a (insert)
gift
think
stand
they
(edit; referring to their relationship not time between postings, only thought in hindsight how that sounded. 
) Although for proof I thought he might have pulled out the necklace and pronounce he'd just picked it up and was about to give it to her. That would have been extremely convincing, I think. 
About Kentucky time!
Another good chapter.
delete this 'the'
? = for (insert)
A small rewording, 'pulled it up, forcing you to separate'
'her breasts in her bra'
Space after dildo,
'any' to 'somewhat'
finish
Suggestion? 'With that, she continued by deep throating your shaft to the hilt.'
it's-it's (stick a hyphen in there as a pause)
eyebrow (lower case)
Change to 'I expected'
? = her
? = from lip-lock to breathe, (insert this just to indicate they didn't separate at the hips.)
# = both
also need full stop at end of sentence.
"After what you were just able to do for me, I would never do that, I promise," (maybe an additional bit of sincerity for extra reassurance to Aria)
Handful of fixes and it's perfect.
? = of
Damn, that was a hot chapter, keeping us interested til the end for sure!
I liked this chapter. I found nothing wrong here.
ear
7621067 lol how did I missed that!?
7621140 ih0.redbubble.net/image.16549040.0319/fc,550x550,royal_blue.u3.jpg
*chuckle*
Awesome story, no maybe you do one for sunset and adagio. I mean i read other but i think your may be better
Great ending!
7649679 I can't guarantee it, I'm still new to writing fanfics. But I'll when I get a chance
things
Applejack's
Should be 'Aria and I' but not pushing the issue.
sigh
Dash's
she's
of (delete)
? = 'run' or 'raced'
confess
comma after 'design'
You
comma after 'Aria'
speak
yours
happen
OK
everyone's
let's
I do
do
anal
Good final chapter, overall great story
stallion-net Okay just let me know if you do my friend
Ha
The fact that this was a dream makes me feel better. I would never do that to anyone. At least not with sexual intent. Only violent.
Meh. I'm a Mortal Kombat X guy myself. Why? BECAUSE FINISH HIM, THAT'S WHY!!!
No, the timings within the 'perfect range'. Even though I thought that he'd pull out the necklace and ask if it was good enough proof. Otherwise, fantastic thus far! Can't wait to finish it!
I can't wait to see how this plays out.
7533219 Oh I can agree with that.
I think Aria is kinda cute if you actually think about it.
It does makes sense that it was a dream. Nice work on this chapter.
Nice work on this chapter.
Yup, definitely an awkward morning.