Where did Spike go and why are all of these bells going off in my head while I am trying to sleep. When I finally get to where he is I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Where ever he is.
There is something wrong but I just can't remember
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The title made me think of Metallicas song by the same name.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eeqGuaAl6Ic
8673957
the insperation mostly came from a Poem by the same name as well, but the song was one of the inspirations for some of the themes. I even tossed in a few lines pulled directly from the lyrics in a few places.
An interesting concept is what I would call this work. Interesting indeed. Though I have a few qualms.
1. The constant mentioning of emotion magic and Spike's odd disappearance is far too often mentioned, making it easy to pick up on what's going on. Instead, maybe try and lessen the obvious dropping of foreshadowing to one time instead of three or four.
2. Twilight would, and should, be far more worried ab9ut her best friend and #1 assistant and basically brother. She seems completely undaunted by his random absence considering how close they are. I have no idea if that's due to the emotion magic or whatever but I'd say her reaction to the situation is weird considering it's Twilight.
3. Twilight was apparently dealing with EMOTIONAL magic. How did that affect her MEMORIES so harshly? That just seems a tad bit odd.
Anyway, still a good read but could use some touch-ups. I give it 4 Chaos Emeralds out of 7.
8674629
Thanks for the feedback. This is the first time I've written anything that wasn't assigned by a highschool class so I wasn't sure how to get the story in my head across through words. That lead to the over abundance of forshadow because I didn't really know what was too much or what was too little to make the connection.
The emotional thing is also a good point. I may go back and swap any mention of emotional magic for something along the lines of mental or compulsion magic
Thank you for reading.
Yeah, that's sad and somewhat unsettling.
It was interesting for a while, but it kind of took too long to really hit the dramatic irony sad gut-punchline, so to speak; and by that time, I'd already figured out that Spike was dead and Twilight was in an advanced state of denial.
A big problem later on is that Applejack's dialog isn't very much like how she talks; the closest it ever got was “You ready to go sugar cube?”, which is one of many bits of dialog here with a missing comma.
On some more technical problems, you have "an" instead of "an'" ("and" with the d unprounced) at one point, and you used the word "rout" when you meant "route".
Overall, the story feels unpolished. I would recommend cutting out a third to a half of the non-dialog content and really brushing up the dialog. At no point in any story should AJ and Twilight's dialog be so similar that it's hard to remember which one is the current speaker.
9045781
Thanks for the feedback. My problem is I have stories in my head but not the writing skill to do them justice