Non puto, igitur, ego sum nobili
Twilight landed in the garden, panting heavily. She leaned against a seapony statue and wiped her forehead, Spike rolling out of her grasp and lying on his back in the grass.
"And I didn't even get my gems." Spike sighed. Twilight shot him a glare. "Hey, I was just trying to get something good out of this mess." Spike defended.
"How practical a goal, little dragon."
Twilight whirled around, but couldn't see anypony near. Suddenly, the statue she was leaning on smirked and coiled on itself, its red and yellow eyes glinting.
"Discord." Twilight stood between him and Spike. "What do you want?"
"Me?" Discord asked, his tone deeply hurt and a stone hoof held over his heart. "Twilight, dear, you wound me." The seapony statue somehow snapped a hoof, and Discord lounged over the plinth in his "normal" form. "Why, I was just going to offer a way to get something good out of your situation!"
Twilight frowned. "What do you mean?"
She looked down to see herself dressed in flowing white cloth with a familiar face-shaped scepter in her hooves. She glared at Discord in irritation, looking up to see him similarly dressed and wearing a truly ridiculous amount of laurels.
"I mean that I'll show you a thing or two about handling this goddess business." Discord said with a wink. "I've had plenty of experience being worshiped before."
"I think I'll pass." Twilight said suspiciously, hoisting Spike onto her back and stepping out of the robes as she walked away. "Thanks for the offer though."
Discord shrugged, leaning back and twidling his thumbs. "If you're sure."
Twilight walked a few more paces. She looked back at Discord, who was whistling calmly and plucking a hedge's leaves that turned into meowing frogs as they fell. She stopped, sighing deeply.
"What exactly would you show me?" She asked carefully. Discord was immediately at her side, his form a yellow-eyed replica of Twilight.
"Oh, just the basics." Discord said boredly, flipping through a book that exploded upon being closed. "How to make the mortals do what you say, what type of marble works best for monuments in your honor, how to distill copious amounts of alcohol." He waved a hoof. "The list goes on and on."
"Why would I need alc- You know what, not gonna ask." Twilight interrupted herself. "I just want to know how to get them to leave me alone!"
Discord scoffed. "Simple!" He chuckled, grabbing his hooves and rolling himself into a floating list. "First, you just have to..."
He paused. Discord turned back into his usual form, sitting with a puzzled look back on the plinth. "How to make them... Leave..."
After a moment, Discord just raised an eyebrow at Twilight. "You want these ponies to stop giving you constant loving attention and monuments in your honor?"
"Please." Twilight said.
Discord gave Twilight an unreadable look. He thought for another moment in silence. Eventually, a slightly forced grin spread across his face.
"Why, I'm sure Celestia can advise you there." Discord said stiffly. "She's got an exceptional talent for being boring. Maybe she can give one of her long-winded speeches that will make everypony be too asleep to bother you with their undying love."
Twilight stared at Discord. "Discord, what's wrong?" She asked.
Discord looked so shocked that his mane fizzed with electricity that shot between his horns. "Wrong? With me?" Discord laughed. "No, no, no, I'm doing better than I've ever been! Why I was just on my way to tea with my friends." Discord looked away towards Ponyville. "With my friend," he amended quietly.
Discord gave Twilight a quick snaggle-toothed grin. "I'll go ahead and give you a second's head start."
Twilight didn't even have time to react before Discord snapped, a purple flare shooting up into the sky and forming an arrow down at Twilight. Discord was gone in a blink, his laughter echoing around the garden.
"Oh dear." Twilight gasped. The sudden sound of thundering hooves grew louder and louder by the second. Spike held on tight to Twilight's back as she flew towards Celestia's court as fast as she could.
Twilight galloped to the doors to Celestia's court, panting heavily. Spike looked at the doors in growing apprehension.
"Uh, Twilight? Aren't there gonna be ponies in there too?" Spike asked.
"Doesn't matter." Twilight wheezed. "Need to get Celestia's help. Can't be worse than out here."
Twilight burst through the door, skidding to a halt and slamming the doors behind her. She panted and wheezed for a moment, leaning against the door heavily as she chuckled a bit in relief.
"Oh thank goodness I made it." Twilight breathed, turning around. "Celestia, I-"
Twilight came face to face with a space packed to the brim with nobles. Celestia slowly cringed from the other end of the hall. Everything was deathly still.
"Lady Twilight!" A mare close to Twilight exclaimed. "I must deeply congratulate you on your-"
The mare's voice was lost immediately in a sea of voices all trying to give congratulations and adoration louder than everyone else. Nobles pushed and shoved to get closer to Twilight in a growing wall of ponies and noise. Twilight gaped at them, shrinking back as Spike clung to her back even tighter.
The moments before the wave of nobles crashed into Twilight stretched on for an eternity. Twilight felt her heart pounding in her ears and throbbing in her chest, her eyes widening in fear. However, she also felt Spike clutching tightly to her mane, his eyes shut tight as he braced himself. Twilight felt a sudden determined calm fill her. No, she wasn't going to fall here to this absurd tidal wave of fancily dressed well-to-dos. She felt her wings spread as time seemed to speed back up to normal, the nobles falling over her and crashing against the door.
Celestia looked on with a gasp of horror, her horn lighting up. Before she could even formulate her spell, Twilight burst from the rolling tide of aristocrats, a purple shield surrounding her. She shot up to the ceiling, flying in a swift arc across the court with streams of purple magic trailing behind her. Every pony in the hall stopped their clamoring and gazed upwards as Twilight blitzed like a shooting star towards Celestia.
Twilight nabbed Celestia in her magic grip as she shot past, and the two alicorns slammed through the back doors with a crash. The doors flew shut again with a resounding crash, leaving the hall in silence.
"So is day court over?" A stallion asked. The guard by Celestia's throne finally snapped awake, looking blearily around. Seeing the eyes of an entire hall upon him, he gulped.
"Uh. Yeeeessss?"
"This is getting slightly out of hand." Celestia commented thinly as she and Twilight made their way across the castle to Luna's wing. Through the vaulted windows the two alicorns could see carpenter and mason ponies cutting and smoothing what looked like Twilight and her friends standing heroically on a cliff.
"Slightly?" Twilight asked, observing another half formed statue of all of the Elements of Harmony that looked suspiciously like a memorial.
Celestia gave Twilight a tired and embarrassed grin. "Our ponies tend to get a bit overemotional about things like this."
"A bit." Twilight droned, watching somepony sanding an incredibly stylized sculpture of Twilight and Spike, who was significantly taller and wearing some kind of armor. Spike looked on in awe, leaning back to try to keep it in his view as Twilight kept walking.
Celestia shook her head. "Alright, a lot. Don't worry though Twilight, with Luna's help we can still solve this peacefully and rationally."
Celestia pushed open the door to Luna's wing and was greeted with the sight of Luna's guard locked in fierce combat with robed ponies wearing mismatched purple armor.
"May the heretics face our Lady's justice!" One of the robed ponies cried, knocking a guard out of the air with a spell.
"We cannot lose! We fight for the one true Goddess!" Another screamed out, kicking a guard across the face.
Twilight stared emptily at the commotion for a few moments. When she looked up at Celestia, she saw a look of absolute discomposure on the sun princess' face.
"What the shit." Celestia blankly said, her voice having suddenly lost every ounce of its usual regal and caring tone. Twilight looked on in surprise as Celestia lit up her horn, grumbling under her breath. Everything in the hall stopped in its tracks, surrounded by a yellow glow. Celestia stormed to the other side of the hall, still muttering as she went. She looked back at Twilight with an irritated look.
"Well don't just stand there." She snapped. Twilight snapped into action, galloping to catch up with Celestia. Spike poked a guard carefully as they passed, withdrawing his paw quickly with a look of awe. When they got to the other side of the swarm of fighting ponies, Celestia's spell dropped.
Everypony in the hall crumpled to the floor, groaning and disoriented. Celestia picked up her pace into a trot, eyeing Luna's chamber doors with a look bordering on desperation. Twilight followed as quickly as she could as shouts from the robed ponies started to reach her ears again.
"Wait! Lady Twilight!" One called, "we have read the signs you have given and have acted in the name of your glory! We shall claim this heathen castle in the name of friendship, knowledge, and kindness, even if we have to wade through a thousand battalions!"
Celestia turned slightly to look back at them as she reached the door. "Do you hear yourself when you speak?" She asked sharply, pulling Twilight into the room and closing the door before the robed ponies could reach them.
Luna watched Celestia pace up and down by the window, her mane ethereal whipping around her and muttered curses filtering from her side of the room. Luna turned to Twilight who was breathing raggedly, her teeth grit as she covered her ears to block out the calls of devotion and righteous anger that filtered through the locked door. Spike patted her on the back awkwardly, attempting to give some encouragement.
"Okay, this needs to stop and it needs to stop now." Celestia said angrily, stopping and looking out the window at the crowds below. "This is even more ridiculous than when Cadence asce..." Celestia squinted. "Are they burning sacrifices on the lawn? Ohoho, no they did not just burn my favorite petunias!"
Luna looked around, assessing the situation with a slowly growing and confident smile.
"Have no fear!" Luna declared. "We have a plan!"
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You got me pretty good with that one!
7487555 Agreed, I literally LOL'd at that one.
7487555 Profanity is most effective when the person you least expect uses in the most perfectly placed circumstances.
Not when it's every other word in a narrative laced with stupid puns and wanton sex humor.
*glares at "Sausage Party"* Rogen... my critical wrath will one day destroy you...
*checks Google Translate* ... Ah. Clever and fitting title.
My latin is rusty but I'm assuming that chapter header means "I am not to be put of/with nobility"
Alcohol? Why would not want to learn how to make alcohol in this situation?
DRUNKENESS IS NEEDED POST HASTE FOR THIS.
~Skeeter The Lurker
And again to another writer i say 'Space, the final frontier!".
\\//, 'Live long and prosper!'
7493252 Google translate gives as 'I do not think I'm famous'
I would've like to hear his reaction to seeing Celestia's throne empty. The Princess he was guarding disappeared five feet away from him, and in a crowded royal court he's the only one who didn't see what happened.
According to what it translated to... the title of the chapter is, roughly...
Do not think, therefore, I am of noble birth.
Corrections offered without malice.
alcohol
the Elements of Harmony
I just fucking lost it when Celestial said 'what the shit.' OMG IM DYING
Luna's plan: Booze... lots and LOTS of booze
This story is getting nutty. I love it!
7567203
I think it's supposed to be: I do not think, therefore, I am of noble birth.
7488641
Literally same. You know that the story is amazing when you start laughing because of the chapter title.
We will kill in the name of peace!
I will hurt this guy for her kindness!
Hoof
But... poor petunias...
Still, at least it wasn't anything sapient, like a sheep or a goat.
Oh SHIT!!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ok I don't care how stupid or how unrealistic this story is, to me, this is the funniest story on fimfiction that I have read so far, and I have read a total of 170+ stories, in fact this is probably the funniest chapter I have read on any story.
No! Not the beautiful lawn! I love how chaotic this story is getting, it just makes it more funnier, and my brain imagining everything that's going on in this story makes it even more funnier.