Sweeny Tom

by Even Evil Has Standards

So Close!

Pinkamena led Sweeny Tom down to the kitchen. Once he was seated, she presented him with a shot of ale. "Here," she said, "drink up." As he obliged, she watched with a look in her eye before asking, "Have you thought about it?"

"Hm?"

"About ol' headless up there. What shall we do with him?"

Sweeny Tom downed his ale and answered, "I don't know. I wasn't quite expecting this to be honest."

Pinkamena sighed. "Of course. Anyone who's SO concerned about the past, no matter how long ago, always forget their priorities. No room for fun, not like my fun. Oh what a wastie it is to be like Big Mac and kill off little cuties for their annoyance rather than do what I did years ago. Oh the shame of it. The shame of it. The sha-" The word struck a nerve and triggered something in her brain. "The shame of it." Her face when she said it...oh mother.

"Shame?"

Pinkamena:
Seems a downright shame.

Sweeny Tom:
Shame?

Pinkamena:
An awful waste
A plump, portly frame wot his name 'as...
'Ad...
HAD!
It need no tracing...
Businesses need lifts, debts need erasing...
Think of it as funny thrifts,
As loving gifts,
If ye catches my drifts!

Nopie?

What a waste...
What with the meat as it is...
As you get it...

Sweeny Tom:
HEH HAH!

Pinkamena:
Bye George, I think you've got it! Take my ol' cupcake place!
Business no fun without acquaintances or toast!
And a friend is best for eleven at most!
They canna compare for taste!

Sweeny Tom:
Ms. P.D.P., what a charming motion!

Pinkamena:
Well, it does seem a waste...

Sweeny Tom:
Seems practical, but appropriate as always!

Pinkamena:
It's an idea...

Sweeny Tom got up from his seat and pulled Pinkamena into a dance.

Sweeny Tom:
Oh Pinkamena how I've lived without you I'll never know!
It's delectable!
It's undetectable!

Pinkamena:
Think of it!
Soon, loads of others will be coming for shaves!
Think of 'em as cupcakes!

Sweeny Tom:
How choice!
How rare!

They stopped their waltz and went to the window.

Sweeny Tom:
Oh what, oh what is that sound out there?

Pinkamena:
What Mr. Tom?
What Mr. Tom?
What is that sound?

Sweeny Tom:
Those are crunches pervading the air!

Pinkamena:
Yes Mr. Tom!
Yes Mr. Tom!
It's all around!

Sweeny Tom:
It's man devouring man, my dear!

Both:
And who are we to deny it in here?

"These are desperate times, Miss Pie, which means desperate measures."

Pinkamena pulled some cupcakes out of the oven and selected one with the colors of the rainbow. "Here we are! Fresh out of the oven!"

"What is this?"

Pinkamena:
Fact'ry Dash!
Have a little Dash!

Sweeny Tom:
Is it good?

Pinkamena:
Sir, it's so good, it'll be gone in a flash!
It came from Cloudsdale up high
It is to do or die!

Sweeny Tom took a bite and thought it was heavenly.

"Good for business too," agreed Pinkamena.

Problem is, we's only gettin' it once a week.

She selected a scarlet one.

Jamsey's rather nice.

Sweeny Tom:
If he's for a price.

Pinkamena:
Should order something else though since no one swallows him twice.

Sweeny Tom:
Maybe something lean?

She selected a rustic green one with a hint of yellow.
Pinkamena:
If you're loyal, here's Porter of the Sodor Marine
Outwardly he's clean.
But inside is of whe're's he been.

Sweeny Tom:
Is that Celestia, for the test-ia?

Pinkamena:
No sir!
Look closer
And you shall see
It's Henry!

Sweeny Tom examined it closely and looked appalled. "Is that vicar?"

Pinkamena:
No sir, it has to be Henry
It's green.

Sweeny Tom:
Whew!
The history of the world my dear saves-

Pinkamena:
A lot of graves.
Do a lot of relatives favors!

Sweeny Tom:
Are those beneath serving those from up above!*

Pinkamena:
Lots of people shave
Ergo lots of flavors!

Sweeny Tom:
Ooh, how'll they know as the treats pass the teeth

Both:
That those up above will be served by those from beneath.

Pinkamena brought out another trayful. "Now let's see. We've got..." She held up a cupcake with a moon and wand.

Tinker.

Sweeny Tom:
Pinker.

She selected a pink one with three buttons.

Pinkamena:
Tailor?

Sweeny Tom:
Paler.

She selected a pale red one with a gold stripe.

Pinkamena:
Butler?

Sweeny Tom:
Subtler.

She selected a dark blue one with SCC initials.

Potter?

"That's ironic," muttered Sweeny Tom.

Hotter.

She selected a cerulean one.

Locksmith?
(Then a wood yellow one.)
Lovely bit of clerk.

Sweeny Tom:
Maybe for a lark.

She pulled out a purple one topped with green.

And here's Spike the Sweep.
You'll love him dark and cheap.

Then she selected a dark red with half an apple.

You'll love Big Mac the "massaceer"
At the pique of his career.

Sweeny Tom:
He smells pretty dank.

Pinkamena:
That's because he stank.

Sweeny Tom:
WAIT A MINUTE!

"Didn't we just see Big Mac at the contest?"

"Yes we did!"

"But then how...?"

"He's in a dual role. There was a budget problem."

"Oh."

We'll, have you any Beadle?

Pinkamena:
In a week or so I am told.
Anyway, he isn't bad till ya smell him.
He's so greased.
Stick to the preist!

DING!

Pinkamena felt something strike her chin with such force that she fell to the floor. Sweeny Tom picked her up the neck of her dress and hissed, "If it weren't for a preist, we wouldn't be having this conversation." He released her; she massaged her face before selecting a hippy styled one. "Here we have fiddle player."

Sweeny Tom:
No it's piccolo player. It's piping hot.

Pinkamena:
Then blow on it silly.
It helps to do that first.

Sweeny Tom:
The history of the world my sweet-

Pinkamena:
Oh Mr. Tom?
Oh Mr. Tom?
What does it tell?

Sweeny Tom:
Is who gets eaten and who gets to eat!

Pinkamena:
And Mr. Tom
And Mr. Tom
Is also who does the sale!

Sweeny Tom:
Fortunately my dear
It's very clear!

Both:
Ev'ryone goes down good with a shot of ale!

"Since Marine didn't appeal to you," said Pinkamena, "how's abouts..." she selected a mahogony one "...Rear admiral? Although I don't think Skiff was made of mahogany..."

Sweeny Tom:
Too salty, I prefer general.

Pinkamena:
With or without the privates?
They're extra.

"You don't mean...Those kin-"

DING!

Now it was his turn to get an uppercut. Pinkamena loomed over him looking livid. "What kind of parody do ya think we're doing?!? South Park edition?" She helped him up, though and they continued, albeit a little shaken. Sweeny Tom noticed a dark brown cupcake with an upside-down horshoe.

Sweeny Tom:
What's that?

Pinkamena:
Tis fop!
Finest in the shop.

She showed him a light yellow one with pink butterflies.

We also have shepherds pie pepperd
With actual shepherd
On top!

Then she whipped out a pure black one.

The fun has just begun.
Here's politician-very oily.
Served with a doiley.
Have one!

Sweeny Tom:
I'll take it with a bun
You'll never know when it'll run.

She slid over a fiery yellow and orange one with a flame.

Try Spitfire.
Fired she's direr.

Sweeny Tom:
No, Wonderbolt is too coarse and too mealy.

Next was a cupcake with all sorts of colors.°

Pinkamena:
Here's actor,
That's compactor!

Sweeny Tom:
It also arrives overdone.
I'll come again
When you have Judge on the menu.

Pinkamena:
WAIT!
We don't have him yet,
But we have something you'd fancy more, I'd bet.

Sweeny Tom:
What's that?

She pulled out a black cupcake topped with red, each side tinged with white and grey. "EXECUTIONER!"

"Who was the executioner?"

"Tirek."^

Then they did another waltz.

Sweeny Tom:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!

Pinkamena:
Yes, yes I know my love!

Sweeny Tom:
We takes all the customers we can get!

Pinkamena:
High-born and low, my love!

Sweeny Tom:
Let us not discriminate great from small.

Pinkamena:
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,

Both:
And to anyone at all!

---

SODOR CITY HALL-END OF THE WEEK

"... You are to hang by the neck until dead. May Awdry have mercy on your soul." And the judge banged his gavel hard. Poor Philip hung his head as Zip and Zug escorted him off the dock, trying not to look remorseful. Gordon eyed the lad maliciously before following his master.

"Good show, m'lud," remarked Gordon. "That was spot on!"

"Indeed," agreed Judge Hatt, "But I wonder...did he really deserve that?"

Gordon snorted. "Please, m'lud. The boy was guilty of overly wrecklessness."

"If you say so."

As they traveled along, Gordon noticed little tiny hairs growing on the judge's face. "Pardon me, m'lud, but...you're face."

"What about it, Beadle?"

"Well, look at it in your reflection there."

Judge Hatt obliged and studied his reflection in the window of Sparkler and Amethyst's Jewels. He pondered this awhile, sat back and scratched his scalp, and said, "I suppose I could do with a shave."

"Worry not, m'lud, I have just witnessed a barber give the smoothest shave on the island. He could do it in a flash as well."

"Yes...I shall. And what will you be doing whilst I have my face cleaned?"

"I shall be persuing a very personal subject: the hand of your ward."

"Bravo! I'd do it myself, if I were a few years younger, and of course, not a widower."

"Strange though, when I offered myself, to her, I felt a little...reluctance."

"Very strange indeed. This barber should have some aftershave. He should, then he'd have you smelling like springtime."

"Splendid idea. Welp, let me show you the way."

---

TIDMOUTH-BARBER SHOP

"Where is he?" The barber was pacing in the upper room. Every so often, he'd glance out the window, then studied his razor agitatedly.

"Be patient," said Pinkamena, "or you're going to make the hole in the floor even longer and deeper in the floor."

"Huh?" He looked down and saw that there was indeed a literal hole in the floor. "It's just that it's the end of the week."

"So?"

"SO IT'S THE END OF THE WEEK!!! WHERE IS THAT BEADLE?!?

The force of his voice sent her flying into the window where she twitched, followed by a gurgly stomach and frizzy hair. "Pinkie Sense!"

"Wha?"

She looked out. "It's the Beadle and he's not alone...he's brought the judge!"

"Double wha?!?" He joined her at the window and looked out; sure enough, there they were. Gordon showed the judge to the front with his walking stick then walked away. "Show him in and keep out of sight."

Pinkamena obligingly led Judge Hatt to the room then hid down below in the kitchen where she put on a record (that played "Pretty Women"). "Well, if it isn't the great Judge Hatt"

"And how, pray tell, do you know of me?"

"Who in the world doesn't?"

"True. Well, this isn't

Sweeny Tom:
What can I do you for sir?
I can't do the growing of hair,
But I can do the scalp massage.
Sit, sir, sit.

Judge Hatt:
Well sir, my man's infatuated with love
An ardent and eager slave
So fetch the pomade and pumade stone
And give me a more loving tone
And perhaps some sprinkling of Prench cologne
But first, sir, I think
A shave.

Sweeny Tom:
The smoothest I ever gave.

Judge Hatt sat down in the chair while the barber placed a long towel over him. Then Sweeny Tom prepared for the shave, whistling along to the record. This lulled the judge so that he dozed off in the chair. The barber noticed this and the hand that held his razor Merry twitched violently.

Sweeny Tom:
Patience, my friend.
You'll enjoy your purpose.
Don't be hasty, Mr. Merry
Revenge has all the time in the world.

Just as he was about to do the deed, the judge shook and was awake in an instant.

Judge Hatt:
Make haste sir.
When they are wed,
You'll be commended, sir.

Sweeny Tom:
My lord.
And who sir is the your man's intended?

Judge Hatt:
My ward that's pretty as a rosebud.

"Like her mother," whispered Sweeny Tom.

"What?"

"Nothing. Almost done, then we may proceed." Sweeny Tom resumed making the cream, humming cheerfully.

Judge Hatt:
You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Tom

Sweeny Tom:
Tis your delight sir, catching fire
From one man to another

Judge Hatt:
Too true, sir, love can make will inspire
The blood to pound and heart leap higher
What more-

Sweeny Tom:
What more-

Both:
Can man acquire

Judge Hatt:
Than love sir?

Sweeny Tom:
Oh, more than love, sir.

Judge Hatt:
What sir?

Sweeny Tom:
Females.

Judge Hatt:
Ah yes. Females.

Here, the barber had finished and lathered the judge's face, the former whistling while the judge hummed. Then Sweeny Tom reached for his razor and moved as if to slash the Hatt's throat. But he controlled himself and went about the shaving.

Sweeny Tom:
Pretty females
Fascinating.
Sipping cider.
Pretty females
Waltzing.
Pretty females
Are a wonder.
Pretty females
Leaning by a window,
Or - standing on a stair.
Something in them cheeses the air.
Ah, pretty females.

Judge Hatt:
Silhouetted.

Sweeny Tom:
Stay beside you.

Judge Hatt:
Galtzing

The record scratched. "That's not a word." remarked Sweeny Tom.

"No, but it's the only word fro glancing that I could think that rhymes with waltzing," snarked Hatt.

"Made from glancing and the synonym glimmering, nice." murmured Pinkamena, and she resumed the record.

Sweeny Tom:
Stay forever.

Judge Hatt:
Gasping lightly.

Sweeny Tom:
Pretty females.

Both:
Pretty females.

Sweeny Tom:
Blowing out
(Judge Hatt:
Blowing out)

Both:
Their candles.

Sweeny Tom:
Combing out
(Judge Hatt:
Combing out)

Both:
Their hair.

Judge Hatt:
Then they leave...

Sweeny Tom:
When they leave...

Judge Hatt:
Even when they disappear
They somehow remain inside you
There with you

Sweeny Tom:
They are still there.
They're all here.

Both:
Ah, pretty females.

Sweeny Tom:
holding mirrors.

Judge Hatt:
In their gardens.

Sweeny Tom:
Letter writing.

Judge Hatt:
Rose picking.

Sweeny Tom:
Star gazing.

Both:
They can make a man sing
Proof from Heaven.
As you're living.
Pretty females, sir!
Pretty females, yes!
Pretty females, sir!

The record was skipping, but neither of them noticed.

Sweeny Tom:
Pretty females
All the females
Pretty females!

He made to do one final stroke, the last stroke Judge Hatt would ever have for good, when...

"Mr. Tom! Mr. Tom! We've done it! We've-" That was Skiff's voice. The door swung open and the young sailor burst in, his joy fading when he recognized the customer. "You..."

The judge glowered at him. Then he picked up his coat and stormed out, making sure to give Skiff a blow to the stomach. The lad keeled over, clutching his stomach. He looked up to see the barber, equally angry.

"Get out..." he growled. Skiff staggered out. Moments later, Pinkamena appeared.

"What the bloody cupcakes happened? First I see the sailor go up the stairs, then I see the judge come down looking like he's going to yell at someone to get off his platform, then I see the sailor skedaddling by like he saw a skeleton engine-"

"I had him..." growled Sweeny Tom.

---

MEANWHILE

The Beadle was eyeing said "ward" as she gazed out the window with a smile on her face.

Author's Note:

*What? It's from a catchy song.
°There is a book of this character with him starring in Hinny of the Hills.
^Bet you didn't see that one coming.