The Runaway Learns a Lesson
"Oh my Celestia Mother, why are you nagging me about my style!" A goth pegasus shouted at a pony with a rainbow mane in anger and rage. With steam coming out of her pierced nose.
"HEY! Young lady that is no way to talk to your mother," a stallion said.
"It's no use, Soarin there is no taming this brat," Rainbow Dash glared at her daughter and scoffed.
"Oh my god, you guys are so ridiculous," Midnight scoffed and screamed in frustration. Midnight went to her room and slamming the door shut. She looked at her pet cat and gently strocked her fur. She then sighed and sat up. "Oh Mittens... I feel like they don't understand me at all..." Mittens rubbed herself against Midnight's face and purred gently. Midnight picked up her cat and held her and looked in her mirror. Midnight had a dark look, navy fur coat, dark rainbow mane and dark pink eyes. She wore eye line, and dark eye shadow just the way her aunt Rarity had taught her. She had piercings on her nose, lip, ears, belly button and eye brow line all of them had the shape or design of a moon attached to them. She wore her hair in a braid with her messy bangs hanging off covering one eye. She has one tattoo on her shoulder of a black heart with the words "Never Ending Night". Her cutie mark was a grey heart with a moon in the middle and stars around it. Her talent was that she knows about all the stars in the night sky. "I don't get why they think I'm so different from everypony else.... maybe I should run away." Mittens gently purred against Midnight and hissed a bit at the idea of her owner leaving. "I know you don't like that idea, Mittens but... I think it's my only option."
*knock knock* "Midnight, open this door now!" Midnight flinched at the sound of her grandfathers booming voice.
"Oh crap, Grandpa Spectrum is going to kill me, I have to get out of here." Midnight grabbed some of her stuff in a saddle bag and flew out her window with Mittens in her other side of her bag. She got out a window and saw were she wanted to go and made a V line to Ponyville.
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Midnight flew for about 10 minuets after landed at a normal house. She landed and went over and knocked on the door and waited. The door opened and stood before her a grey mare with a gold main and crossed adorable eyes stood before her. "Hi, Aunt Derpy....can I talk to you I know it's late out but I could really use a friend..." Midnight put her head down with tears in her eyes.
Derpy smiled and lifted her head. "Of course you can, my dear. Come in I'll make you some tea and get you a muffin." Derpy moved out of the way to let her in. Midnight politely wiped her hooves before entering and sitting down on Derpy's couch. Derpy kept her word and brought some lemon tea and a lemon muffin since lemon was Midnight's favorite flavor. "So, Midnight what's troubling you?"
Midnight lowered her head looking down at her tea and sees how much she has really been crying in her reflection. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her hair was covered in dry tears making her braids look messy and sniffled a bit feeling Mittens jump up and comfort her. "Well, Aunt Derpy, I just feel like my parents don't understand me.....today my mom said that my stall isn't appealing to other ponies."
Derpy looked at her muffin and thought for a moment. "Are you sure that's what she really said, it sounds like she was unhappy that you got a tattoo on your shoulder." Derpy put her hoof on the tattoo.
Midnight thought for a moment and looked in a mirror at it. "What's so bad about it? though I think its pretty."
"Well, you might think that, and your mom might think that, but sometimes companies don't hire ponies with tattoos because they show immaturity and sometimes are gang related." Derpy got some more muffins from the kitchen and set them on the table and looked at Midnight.
"I guess I didn't think about that...." Midnight looked in the mirror and started crying.
Derpy walked over to her and put her hoof on her back. "Your parents love you, Midnight they only want what's best for you. your mother is still very young and learning how to be a mom even though its been 17 years. Your father was so clueless that when you were born he fainted when he saw you all covered in blood he thought you were well dead".
Midnight hugged her aunt tight, clinging to her. "Thank you Aunt Derpy, I feel better."
They both hear a knock on the door and they both see Rainbow Dash and Soarin rush in. "DERPY, IS MIDNIGHT H-", Rainbow stopped mid-sentence seeing, her daughter and quicker than they could see she goes and holds her crying. "Oh my god, Midnight me and your father were so worried about you." Soarin joined their hug. Comforting his wife and daughter.
"I know, I'm sorry mom..I'm going to get this tattoo removed....I kind of forget that you guy's love me for awhile". Midnight hugs her mom.
"Sweetie, you have no idea how much that means to us," Rainbow hugged her daughter. "How about we go home."
Midnight nodded and she walked to her saddle bag and Mittens jumps in it and she puts it on. "Again, thank you so much Aunt Derpy."
Derpy smiles and watches as her guests leave happily, going home for a night well spent.
-The end-
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7461176 thank you so much!!
Fantastic first story! Hope you make more stories!
7461453 Thank you so much
Grammer mistakes were everywhere, and paragraph structure was non existent. You REALLY need to work on it.
And I am not impressed with the messages or how they were delivered.
Running away is bad?
Young moms have it hard?
Ask permission before getting tattoos?
Well duh. This is rather obvious.
And while I understand Derpy giving the moral, Midnight's reaction is all wrong. Run aways need time to cool off before regretting their actions. Most kids run away out of anger, and angry people are not going to be rational.
As for Midnight, she is unintelligent, unlikable, and uninteresting.
Final Score: 1.5/10
7462425 this is a first story and i didnt have a proper editor
and non of those things you said are the moral of the story AT ALL. The moral of the story is listen to your parents they want whats best for you and if they know somthing is right you should ask them why they think its right first before you get angry. this was NOT a revew. it was a chanse to critisise a first time writer. there for i find your revew invalid. i asked for constructive critisisume not plane out rudness. i never asked for a revew.
I can set what you were going for, but the delivery makes it a headache. There are grammar and spelling errors throughout, so much so that you'll probably lose readers before the ending of the story.
I highly recommend combing through your work to try and find mistakes yourself. Even fimfiction highlights spelling errors. After that, find an editor who will take the time to help fine tune things with you.
7462462 i did not have an editor for this story this is my first story and i wanted to go threw the prosses of posting and stuff on my own first and writing one. i know have one editor and a backup editor in case mine flankes out on me.
I mean it sounds like it has a lot of potential, but it really needs a lot of fleshing out. There is some work to be done with grammar. The character development could use some revising, but the idea of the story would be really great if the story is fleshed out.
7462485 I know i know, pleas pay attention to the comments before pleas
i already know all this
The next person who says somthing about the fucking grammar im going o blow my damn top off. I KNOW MY GRAMMAR IS BAD. i have an editor now. and charicter development didnt happen because there was no room for it, as in if i wanted to develop charicter i would have to have made her a filly and carryed her life frome there.
I am starting on a new story that wil lbe plenty edited and lots of charicter in it!!
7462489 the other comments appeared after I was done posting mines.
7462501 alright then i apologise
7462503 No need. I'm sorry if I caused you any added discomfort.
7462515 its alright
Maybe go and reread your story real quick since you forgot to capitalize some of the names. For instance, I saw you write 'Rainbow dash' instead of 'Rainbow Dash.'
Will check out later and let you know how it is
Maybe you should make sure your summary has proper punctuation and capitalization first before you ask for reviews for your actual story. I counted five errors in just two sentences. Is English your first language?
7464140 Excuse me!! That is so rude. I wrote this at night so if there are afew mistakes it was dew to my poor eye site. Elnglish is in fact my first laungage! And i did not have an editor for this story.
7464239 I wasn't trying to be rude. It's just that even spellcheck should have caught at least a couple of the spelling errors. And I'm sorry to hear about your poor eyesight, but you should get outside help before you upload your writing and promote it in a blog.
7464255 By poor eye site i ment being so tired that i couldnt see properly.
This story is hot ass on a summer day.
7464375 is that bad or good?
Oh.
7464435 is somthing wrong ?
7464486
Just a short summery, might do more later.
1. Bad spelling and grammar in pretty much every single paragraph. Did you type this on a mobile device by any chance?
2. Too much tell and not show. Instead of writing 'a goth pegasus', discribe to the reader how the character looks. For example: 'The teenage pegasus flicked her short rainbow mane and stamped her hooves on the floor, the multitude of piercings in her ears clinking together while she glared at her mother through mascara flanked eyes.'
This single sentance convays a ton of information to the reader including appearance, tone, and the feel of the scene.
3. On that note, the characters are bland and disposable. If you use an original character, then you really need to spend the time (and words) on fleashing them out for the reader.
I'd suggest at least an 1000 words at the start, dedicated to introducing the main character and her circumstances.
4. It's boring with the main conflict over in a flash. Might be down to the low word count, but you could easily expand it.
Since you've already got a lot of comments about grammar, I won't judge you on that. I really like how you wrote Midnight's character, you gave her a lot of depth and made her feel as if she was alive. And I love how you chose Derpy for the role of the comforting adult, you wrote her perfectly! Overall, this is a nice, sweets story with a great ending, have an upvote!
7466219 oh hey since your my backup editor if my main one wont edit it can you edit this. And uhh hehe im making ajustments to your job. you seem to be on more than my main one so i am going to use you for my short storys. which means you will be editing my one chapter storys. I hope you okay with that.
7464568 I understand all of this thank you for the feedback i will try harder next time to build charicter.I have take what you said to heart and I am whith my new story describing and showing the storys of my new charicters. i think you will be pleased with my newst story when it comes out, if you chose to read it.
7464255 I apologise for my rude behavior, i have a sweet spot temper for that kind of subject and it makes me blow up very easily.
but anyway with what you said i didnt use any word document or anything i used the fimfiction websites writing thingy to write this. i do it for all of my storys. but i know have a spell checkr that i copy and paist things in to spell check. I am working on a mobal divise but it is a tablet that transforms into a minny lap top when its atached to the key bored. The brand is RCA (Androyed sorry if i spelled that wrong!) I perfer writing on this because i can have it in my lap and close to me so no one (Hint hint my daughter) will see what im writing beofroe i can switch to a different tab.
7466251
Okay, so you want me to edit this one, right?
7466629 yes pleas
7466666
Okay, here are the errors I found:
You should capitalize mother because that's a name that the narrator uses.
You don't need the period at the end.
Decapitalize the P in "Pegasus".
You only need either "shouted" or yelled" and delete the other, but I personally suggest you should use the word "clamor".
I think you mean "mane".
Try using the word "with" before "Steam".
You don't need the comma.
You need to put the comma after "mother".
Decapitalize the S in "Stallion".
You need a comma after "use".
Delete the period and put a comma after "brat".
Capitalize the d in "dash".
You need a comma after "god".
You need to put the comma after "ridiculous".
You need to add "ed" and take out the "s" in "scoffs" and "screams". Try putting a period after "frustration", and make the self-explanatory edits for that.
I would recommend that you instead write " gently stroked her fur" instead.
Capitalize the "m" in "mittens".
Delete the period.
Decapitalize the "N" in "Navy", add a comma after "coat", spell "main" as "mane", and add a comma after it.
Add a comma after "line".
You should write "had" instead of "has", and I think you should capitalize the "e" in "ending".
Capitalize "i", and put the period after "away".
Capitalize the "m" in "midnight".
A comma after "idea", and capitalize the "m" in "mittens". Capitalize the "i" and then put the period after "option".
Comma after "Midnight", and delete the period.
Comma after "crap", and capitalize the "s" in "spectrum". Then put the comma after "here".
Capitalize the "m" in "mittens". I don't know what "a mad" is doing here, but I'm pretty sure it's not suppose to be there.
I think you mean "about", and I suggest you should use the word "before" instead of "and".
Use the word "She" instead of "Midnight". I suggest that you cut out "and" and adding as comma in its place and just write "waiting" instead of "waited".
I suggest that you put "a grey mare with a gold main and crossed adorable eyes stood before her" instead.
A comma after "Hi", capitalize the "i", a comma after "you", and delete the comma.
I think you meant "lifted", add a period after "head".
Comma after "can". You should put a period after "dear", and make the self-explanatory edits for that. Put the period after "muffin".
Write that as "Midnight politely wiped her hooves before entering and sitting down on Derpy's couch". Make the comma into a period.
You need an apostrophe before the "s". I think you mean "Midnight" by "Mightnight". A comma after "So", and put the question mark after "you".
It's written as "tear-stained".
Add a period before "and", and replace it with "She". Capitalize the m" in "mittens".
Comma after "Well", and comma after "Derpy". I think you meant "ponies" when you wrote "ponys". Put the period after "ponys".
Put the period after "shoulder". I suggest deleting "and it was certainly real".
You need an apostrophe before the "s" in "Whats". A question ark after "it", and put the period after "pretty".
A comma after "Well", a comma after "that", and I think you mean "immaturity" when you wrote "imaturity".
Capitalize the "m" in "midnight".
Delete the comma.
A comma after "you", and I suggest you replace the comma with a period.
You should write "hugs" as "hugged". Comma after "tight", a comma after "you", Capitalize the "a" in "aunt", and put the period after "better".
Capitalize the "D" in "dash". Add a comma after "DERPY", delete the comma, capitalize the "r" in "rainbow, add a hyphen in "mid sentence", add a comma after and before "and", and add a comma after "see".
Comma after "god", capitalize "midnight", and add a comma after it, and put the period after "you". Add a period after "hug".
Capitalize the "i", add a coma after "know", capitalize the other "i", and write "i kind forget that you guess love me for awhile" as "I guess I kind of forgot that you love me for awhile."
Write "hugged" instead of "hugs".
Comma after "Sweetie", and I think you mean "that" when you wrote "the". Put the comma after "us". Write "hugged" instead of "hugs". Write "How" instead of "Hows", and put the period after "home".
Write "nods" as "nodded". I suggest you replace "and" with "before". Write "walks" as "walked". I also suggest you replace "and" with "as". Capitalize the "m" in "mittens", and wrote "puts" as "put".
Comma after "Again", capitalize the "a" in "aunt", put a space before "Derpy". Write "smiles" and "watches" as "smiled" an "watched".
7466273 Ah, ok. Well I see that a lot of other people have offered advice so I'll just leave it at that.
7466896 Do you think you could PM me this stuff in the story im very busy and i cant put it in right now
7466969
Alright.
7466896 nevermind i got it
7467048
Oh, and one more thing:
Make that period a comma and decapitalize the "W" in "With".
Ok. Got around to reading this. I must say, I can see why people are mixed about this. The story is interesting but there are a lot of grammar issues along with spelling. I'm not one to talk since this is better than my own story(s). Once you fix these mistakes, I'm sure you will get more likes. Don't give up. I'm sorry if I came off as rude. Also...
tryestries.StopedStopped. Other then that, it's fine. Hope that helps