• Member Since 12th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

DragonsHeart


I find that the plot is always the most important to me, everything else is just a wonderful bonus.

T

This story is a sequel to The Other Ones of Me (A Mass Effect Crossover)


Shepard has made amends with Twilight and her friends, as well as have regained some of her memories, but she's still stuck in Equestria with no way back. Will Equestria be her new home, can a star traveller and war hero ever truly settle down in the peaceful lands of Equestria? Will she be able to settle down, maybe find a loved one and start a family, or will she ever become a wanderer?

This is the sequel to my first story, but this is also a start to a group of stories called EverFree, that I want to write. Hope you enjoy the sequel.

This story takes place before, during and beyond Season 4, so some (or maybe a lot) of elements will appear from the TV show.

Rated sex for some sexual elements that appear in this story.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 22 )

A good start, but you need to proof read it. There are numerous typos and grammatical errors.

7795256
7795288
Odd, my proofreader already read through it and checked for mistakes, can you give me an example?

I’d think it be easier if I got off you Shepard?

should be: off of you Shepard? or off you, Shepard.

Considering that you just did hundred push ups with me on you back, I doubt it,” Spike says, rolling his eyes and hoping off her

should be: one hundred not just hundred, and Spike hopped off her, not hoping which would not make sense.

“You only recently got out of hospital after a nearly fatal injury.”

Should be: out of the hospital. You are missing an article.

These are just three that I found in the first half page. There are many more.

7795340 Most of these mistake you seemed to pointed seem to be because I was trying to write in more casual sense, so when most people say one hundred they say hundred, since it shortens the sentence. Also the hopped is past tense, this story is in present tense.
But I'll read through it again later and try to fix my mistakes.
Sorry:fluttercry:

spell out okay and avoid using numbers for anything. that's the only thing I notice.

7795368 you mean hopping not hoping. Hopping means to jump. Hoping is to desire that something happens, completely different meaning. Also proper use of articles is not really optional. You could say a hundred but to say just hundred sounds ignorant and dumb which none of these characters are. Shepard is special forces and a high ranking officer in the military she would be highly educated. Twilight is extremely smart and Spike is being raised by Twilight, such basic flaws in grammar that is usually only seen in individuals who speak a language that lacks articles as their first language is not appropriate for these characters. To be more casual you should emphasize the usage of contractions and colloquialisms , especially idioms: I can't go to the store. vs I cannot go to the store. Two birds with one stone. That is as hard as pulling teeth. etc..

7795392 Ok I fixed the hundred thing and the hopping thing, english is not my best subject. But I'll like to point out, and while I admit I was wrong about the hundred and hopping thing as well as a few others, that no matter how well educated one is, it has to do with how ones speech, since we learn speech from our parents usually, we can of course correct our selves with lots of practice, but even then we can sometime slip up.
But anyway I got my brother to look through it so it's probably a lot better.

“What is your quest?”
“.... what?”
“What is the capital of Assyria?”

:rainbowlaugh:

7795296
could of — "could've" or "could have"

But this chapter has much better grammar and is much easier to read than the previous ones.

And in what way is this alternative universe? What is different from the canon?

7796749 That is because it takes place through and during season four of MLP, and possibly beyond.

And thus the romance....starts to bloom. :heart::heart: Also XD poor Twlight. :pinkiesick:

Shepard and Twilight are my new ship!

IT"S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHEPARD!!!! VS CHAOS VINES!!! BEGIN!

This is the sequel to my first story, but this is also a start to a groups of stories called EverFree, that I want to write. Hope you enjoy the sequel.

...Does that mean spelling Everfree EverFree was intentional?

8508852
Maybe, I don't know. It looked nicer, and it'll props make more sense near the end.

Luna damn you Discord! You just had to be a massive plothole again, didn't you?! I can't wait to see Fluttershy tear him a new one for pulling this stunt. Also good couple of chapters and it's really great to see you updating the story again.

8509033
Yeah, this chapters were the easiest to write so far, and it helps that I found an easier way to edit chapters.

Discord is going to play for this one. Big time and very, very painfully.

It lives glade to see another chapter

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