The sparkle of my eye

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Comments ( 8 )

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metroid_freak

metroid_freak #1 · Aug 12th, 2016 · 1 · ·

Instead of apologizing for making mistakes and not doing anything about them, might I suggest consulting the writing guide and making a few grammar, construction, and spelling revisions based on what you find? That would help immensely. I would also work on the dialogue, especially during the naughty moments. The lines feel very...artificial and hentai-based, which rarely work well. I'd also consider seeking out an editor or at least someone who has some writing experience to assist you. You could also take a look at some of the higher-rated fics on here and take note of what makes them successful. Anyway, keep on keeping on and good luck with your future endeavors.

rainbowdarth

rainbowdarth #2 · Aug 12th, 2016 · · 1 ·

Almost had me fooled but it's just another story with some random person named Anon. Such a fake name.

Anyways on to something more constructive, this story could use a good editing. For Example...

Original:
You know that the finales are coming soon and you need to study for your exams."Damn it, I don't think I will pass math or science." You nervously said,"Why did those class had to be very hard for me?"
Slightly Edited:
You had known that finals have been coming up but you forgot to study. "Damn it, I don't think I will pass math or science. Why do those classes have to be so hard for me?" You said nervously.

You had a few spelling mistakes and you can easily just put those two talking parts together. I just kind of cleaned it up.

A general rule for me is if it sounds weird when you say out loud then it might need changing. If you have trouble then have someone look over it. It makes it so much easier to read that way.

''Why don't go see twilight for help?

"Why don't you go see Twilight for help?

Names of people are always capitalized no matter what.

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If you ever need help then you can ask me. I'm always happy to help.

Mister Phoenix

Mister Phoenix #3 · Aug 12th, 2016 · · 1 ·

7473750 Wait you hate that name too! I thought I was the only one. The reasons why I hate that name is two, one if your making a second person story it the reader who's the character giving the guy a name make the story broken and confuse because it now will go from second to first to third.

The other reason is that. Used to know a guy named Anon, maybe not speel the sameway but is still said the same way. He was a bit of a dk

Also author dude, lady, pony. Caps use caps when you are doing titles like Pokemon you spell it with a cap P, you do the same with writing like Bride of Discord, or To Love is Chaos ect, you should get the idea.

rainbowdarth

rainbowdarth #4 · Aug 12th, 2016 · · ·

7473779 Glad to meet another that dislikes the name Anon. The name Anon pulls me out of a story and breaks my immersion. It wouldn't bother me as much if they gave the main character an actual name.

2nd person only bugs me a lot when the character does something I wouldn't believe myself doing. I enjoy 2nd person more in the pick your own adventure books. But I can look past 2nd person if it is believable.

SunBlaze

SunBlaze #5 · Aug 15th, 2016 · 1 · ·

Damn this is pretty good have a follow

Anstca

Anstca #6 · Aug 17th, 2016 · · ·

That was pretty good. There were some errors in it but nothing that made it hard to understand. All in all jot bad for a first story, you should keep it up. Wile Im at it here have a follow.

Pony Knight