• Member Since 18th Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen Jun 13th, 2018


Uhmmm hai


This is a voting based story. This means that you, as the reader take part in deciding the fate of Oscura. Good luck! And happy voting.

Hello and welcome to what might be the fanfic experience of your life. This is a Fallout Equestria fanfiction about a mare named Oscura, who will do anything to get her sister back who was stolen from her Stable while all she could do was watch. Now she has to go and rescue her from her captors, of course! But how do you do that when you don't even know who took her?

This book takes place approximately 170 some years BEFORE the events of the original fallout equestria book by kkat. Therefore not even littlepip's great grandma has been born yet.

-check blog for q&a on lore of FoE:SL-

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 17 )

Hmm, I vote for option D.

Interesting idea for a fanfic so far, i'll keep an eye on this one.

Okay guys. Voting is closed for chapter 1. Thank you (: even if I only got one vote, I'm glad people are reading it(though sadly a bunch of people hit the dislike button). Well today (8/12/16) I am going to go with option D. It was the only option with a vote :3

7468083 thank you for commenting! It's really helpful to see people actually want to read and participate in this type of fanfic :3!

Aww, a bit late for the voting... But I would have voted for D anyways.
(I'll be faster next time.)

It looks like you are starting a bigger project here. I'm curious how it will turn out.

Let's analyze:
The story itself seems to be partly inspired by the game Fallout 4 (like you said yourself). The plot itself is good, with only negligible plotholes.

Your writing style is a bit rushed. I know you probably already heard it, but try to show what is happening, don't tell it. (I personally recommend this guide, at least till (including) section 'Pacing'. If you have one day too much time and nothing to do...)

Also the story is a bit fast. Maybe you can take your time and slow it down? (For example more descriptions and/or showing details. For instance: What is with the other pods?)
As it seems to be your first story it's still acceptable, but in the long run you should try to improve this points.

More critical is spelling and grammar, especially punctuation.
Maybe you should look for a proofreader and/or an editor who can help you with that.

(I hope I caused more use than damage with this.)

All in all it looks promising.
I hope this story will get more attention in the future. At the moment I can't even see the upvote/downvote-ratio. (One of the upvotes is from me.)

7477751 I might try that out. I'm just worried if I don't rush I won't be able to crank out a chapter every week. I probably could try to make it really detailed in post editing but that would mean a new chapter approximately every Tuesday or late Monday. It gives less time to vote but I'll do my best. I like it when people give some constructive advice, so thank you for that.

Be careful with 'a chapter every week'.
Especially with longer projects you can burn yourself out very quickly.
Really. For your own mental health. And for your motivation.
If you have to force youself to finish a chapter till a hard deadline, you can lost motivation and, even more important, your fun to write the chapter.

I recommend instead of 'I write a chapter till date X' to use 'I write a chapter around the end of next week'. And in doubt say a longer time than you will need. At worst the audience will be happy the chapter is published earlier than expected.

If you need more time to write a new chapter and/or readjust an older chapter, take it!
Most readers (including myself) prefer quality over qantity.

Never forget: you are primary writing for your entertainment. So don't stress yourself out.

7479848 thanks! This is really helpful. I plan to take this advice. I just wrote about 5 pages for the next chapter on my phone so I'll put your advice into the editing process. I wonder if there's like a direct message feature on fimfic

Hmm, I pick option C, I dunno really.

7489896 thank you for voting! and sorry about the paraphrasing, I won't have that next chapter

New chapter! Yay!

I would vote for Option A.
(You mean stay "for now", right?)

Most what I said in my first analysis (7477751) does also applies to this chapter.
But you had made good improvements. You took more time to describe the scenery and the stories goes a bit slower and less rushed.

While opening the story I reread the description and I suggest you to do the same.
At least for now most of the description seems to be irrelevant for the actual story. It would be better to 'clean it up' and make it more readible. Maybe add a few paragraphs and blank lines. I say that, because a 'wall of text' often has a deterrent effect.
And you completely forgot to mention this is a voting-oriented story. This is a very rare and important (in my opinion) detail. You should mention this in both short and long description to attract more readers. (Really! Maybe even make it bold or something.)
It's good you have fun writing, but don't forget about school, friends and stuff.
Also: I don't have any problems with your 'paraphrased system'. This seems pretty good for me.

7491438 thank you again for the advice! I'll do my best to fix most of the description stuff up tomorrow after school when I'm not on my phone haha. And I'll do my best to improve chapters as I go. Right now I'm doing my best to implement plot points that will be more than significant later on. I wrote that description to describe the overarching plot(more or less, I wrote that description based on a finished book. As more of an anchor to keep me moving towards my desired ending rather than getting carried away in sub-plots. Much like a real play through of fallout 4 would have you not care that much about your son and rather more about becoming the general of the Minutemen xD)

I want option A

Comment posted by DJBronyBacon deleted Aug 21st, 2016

I vote for B.

It's good to see a new chapter!

You already said it yourself: This chapter is weaker then the others. But not because the 'minimal action' (some chapters simply have to be this way), but because, in my opinion, things are happening to fast again.

For example the ship between Aurora and Oscura. At least for me it came out of nowhere.
Another thing is Doctor Valentine. His introduction was a bit too quick for me. You basically wrote it like "Go to X he will solve your problems". Better would be something like "I have heard about this doctor X, living in Y. He has a good reputation in finding lost ponies. Maybe you should visit him and ask him for help."
And what happened to the Power Armor? Did they left it behind, because it was too dented for repair?
Marcus was planning to open and enter the Stable. I wonder how does wants to do that? The door is build to withstand megaspells; you can't simple open it by force. Maybe he didn't thing about that. But if I remember correctly Oscura forgot to lock the door behind her, so he can enter, if he finds the button to activate the elevator.
There are some other, smaller things, but I don't want to annoy you too much.
(I really do! If you want me to stop analysing your story just say it; by comment or PM. Of course I will read and vote either way.)

Like I said before I still recommend you looking for a proofreader. There are still some errors; things like punctuation and wording.

May I suggest doing something about the cover-art? Especially how it would look in the "Latest Updates"-category on the startpage. For me it looks a bit too dark and featureless. Maybe a few more brighter colors or something like that can help. But I'm not an expert in this category.
It's just that your current cover simply 'doesn't stand out', but disappears in the background.

I'm happy you are still continuing the story, even if there seem to be few readers (and some jerk who has nothing better to do than tell you what you can improve.). I don't know if I would have this much motivation to continue.

Edit: When is deadline for voting? Or isn't that decided yet?

7529505 thank you for voting plus I'm really happy you always leave very in depth comments. Maybe in the next week I will fix everything that was wrong with this chapter. At the point I was at yesterday, I just wanted to get a new chapter out so I didn't fall behind. I kinda knew that this chapter would completely suck but I wasn't sure how to fix it. Though I'm not sure what to do about Aurora though. I don't know much about romance and I basically wrote that in so as to provide some entertainment for myself. And for a reason to get Curie and Oscura alone.

How would you like to be my proofreader? You always have a lot of insight into what a chapter did wrong or right. If you want to be, go ahead and PM me

Weird but true fact: I have an OC called Oscura. But her surname is Galaxia

Login or register to comment