Welcome to the family

Xzaves #1 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

Haven't read any of this but shouldn't chapter 2 be "torture"?
Unless there are people holding torches or using fire as a weapon

Von Voctavia

Von Voctavia #2 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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"I am of coughs taking about a human,"

"I am of course talking about a human,"

Von Voctavia

Von Voctavia #3 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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from a eternal embrace of death
from an eternal embrace of death

in a world not your own what would you do first?
in a world not your own, what would you do first?

I remembered what I did from awakening from such embrace
I remember what I did awakening from such embrace

people that we're slavers
people that were slavers

"...One work for me,"
"...One, work for me,"

"You have killed alpha,you are alpha now."
[Alpha and Beta are letters and are normally capitalized, but is okay not to.]

Fist thing, I outta to is find out where I am
First thing, I outta to is find out where I am

Later when they were done I decide to ask some questions, like. "What is this place called?" I asked, the one that mostly talked looked confused.
Later when they were done I decide to ask some questions, like; "What is this place called?" The one that mostly talked looked confused.

I was informed that there where caves that they used
I was informed that there were caves that they used

"I am not sure, a furless hound," he said. "Whatever it is it looks mad.
"I am not sure, a furless hound," he said. "Whatever it is it looks mad."

I then pointed to me
I then pointed to myself

"Witch one's your alpha?"
"Which one's your alpha?"

smile on his muzzle, and a sword in hand he laugh then spoke.
smile on his muzzle, and a sword in hand he laughed then spoke.

I put my gun back and walk over to hims whispering.
I put my gun back and walk over to him, whispering.

He shuttered at this.
He shuddered at this.

[edit] I'll add more here

Von Voctavia

Von Voctavia #4 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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Interesting premise... gonna keep my eye on this :)

Dash32

Dash32 #5 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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Hey kid (hey kid)! Do I have your attention? I know the way you've been living! Life's so reckless, tragedy endless! Welcome to the family! Hey! There's something missing! Only time will alter your vision! Never in question, lethal injection! Welcome to the family! Not long ago you find the answers were so crystal clear! Within a day you find yourself living in constant fear! Can you look at yourself now, can you look at yourself? You can't win this fight! In a way it seems there's no one to call! When our thoughts are so numb! And our feelings unsure! We all have emptiness inside, we all have answers to find! But you can't win this fight! Hey kid (hey kid)! I have to question! What's with the violent aggression! Details blurry, lost him too early! Welcome to the family! Hey! Why won't you listen?! Can't help the people you're missing! It's been done, a casualty rerun! Welcome to the family! I try and help you with the things that can't be justified! I need to warn you that there is no way to rationalize! So have you figured it out now, so have you figured it out? You can't win this fight! And in a way it seems there's no one to call! When our thoughts are so numb! And our feelings unsure! We all have emptiness inside, we all have answers to find! But you can't win this fight! Here for you and all mankind! I've lost my mind! Psychotic rounds in rabid dementia! I won't be fine! I see you're a king who's been dethroned! Cast out in a world you've never know! Stand down, place your weapon by your side! It's our war in the end, we'll surely lose but that's alright! So have you figured it out now, so have you figured it out? And in a way it seems there's no one to call! When our thoughts are so numb! And our feelings unsure! We all have emptiness inside, we all have answers to find! But you can't win this fight! Deep inside where nothing's fine!I've lost my mind! You're not invited, so step aside! I've lost my! Deep inside where nothing's fine! I've lost my mind! You're not invited, so step aside! I've lost my!

#MetalUpYourAss! #A7XForLife! #MetalMania!

Wrangle Wolfe

Wrangle Wolfe #6 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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Alright, I've stumbled across this. So it's time to look at what we've got here. Now, this particular comment is purely just from what I see in the description.

First off, grammar and spelling.

It's been a very long time since organized crime was in equestria

Capitalize the 'E' in Equestria. It is a proper noun.

Even with fear Celestia and Luna have kept...

"Even with fear, Celestia and Luna have kept..."
It just looks better on the eyes to me.

I am of coughs taking about a human

"Course" would be the appropriate word.

I try to prof read and use the auto-correct but it sometime give me the wrong word.

"Proofread", "Sometimes" and "Gives" are the words you're looking for.

I think those changes will overall give your story a better first impression. Grammatical and spelling errors aren't a good sign. Even if your story has some mistakes, the description is what pulls people in. There are instances that could be altered some, but I'll try to focus on the story more rather than be super nitpicky about the description.

However, the idea presented was enough to draw my away from what I was about to do so, that's something. Moving onward.

Brainless

Brainless #7 · Aug 2nd, 2016 · · · Ponyville ·

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7446322
I know they aren't good sign, I've been trying to catch the errors, (I feel like I have one in this comment) Thank you for the help, it's time for me to now, edit, edit, edit. This is going to take forever.

Brainless