Rainbow Dash has a problem. It's not her grades. It's not that Sunset Shimmer keeps tormenting her. It's not that Fluttershy is her only friend.
Okay, well, it's all of those things.
But mostly it's her stepmom.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 23rd Dec, 2013
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
Oroboro
Just a gal writing about gals bein pals
Oroboro
Joined 23rd Dec, 2013 ·
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YOU'RE WELCOME. Good to actually see the things you write see the light of day. Though I know that there are BIG THINGS™ COMING.
I will be SO DISAPPOINTED if nobody gets kicked in the face in this draft.
7443678 NOBODY GOT KICKED IN THE FACE.
OROBORO, YOU HACK, I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU IN CORN STARCH.
My, Rainbow has quite the foul mouth on her.
Nice read, I enjoyed it.
Serious review: I like the improvements you made over the draft that you submitted to the write-off; there are a lot of little touches here and there that alter both the characterization of the story's principle participants (like how Rainbow Dad's offer to divorce Crystal is no longer a serious one), and the different context behind Crystal finding the panties. I get more of a sense of Crystal as a nosy buttinsky, and Dashie's anger toward her seems more plausible, and less like projecting mommy issues.
I'm still not keen on using the opening as a dream sequence, and there should have been more kicking in the face, but on the whole, a clear improvement over what was posted before. I'm happy to see it posted and to give it my thumbs up.
EDIT: Shouldn't this have an OC tag too?
So I'm guessing that this takes place a year before the first Equestria Girls Movie, huh?
Good story nonetheless, plus Rainbow Dash having a tea party with Fluttershy and her own father was pretty funny.
I was all on board the 'Dash is an unresonable teenager' train until this line. Crystal literally made it impossible for Dash to get along. Blaze made the only choice he could, give Dash a place to stay before she found one on her own.
Okay it's good on paper, but I feel it might have needed to be longer to flesh stuff out. I mean we only see a little of Crystal and what we see doesn't exactly paint her in the best light making Rainbow's actions seem perfectly justified.
I feel the aim should be for both sides to have a roughly even point of perspective or atleast make it so no one side is the outright bad guy is what I'm saying. Plus we don't really see their relationship develop and there reasons for disliking each other seem a tad petty and hollow. I think if you built more on Rainbow's own issues with her actual mother then maybe that would help, though then it would probably make more sense for Rainbow to atleast try to form something of a connection with her.
Here Rainbow feels a little petty and acts a tad like a brat more than anything else and if Crystal was truly mean or rude then I'd get it. However, again we don't see enough to form a solid opinion or thought. Also it's mentioned that Crystal seems to love Rainbow's dad a lot but I don't see that based on what we've been given, she acts more like Sedusa from the Powerpuff girls than a geniunely nice person and I don't think that's the intention.
I'm not saying it's bad, just that there feels like there are some parts missing. Still the writing is solid along with the grammar and it does give some good ideas, such as Rainbow having an abusive mother which I think could be a good story plot.
Given that I'd probably give it a B- not terrible and good potential, but still not quite good enough. Then again that's just my thoughts.
This story was actually pretty good. It was a short glimpse into teenage Rainbow Dash and how she was living her life. I liked how supportive both her dad and Fluttershy was for her and I think that scene with Zephyr Breeze was kinda funny.
What was RD's biological mother like? I imagine that she left enough of an impression that Dash's later behavior was influenced by it. Is there another story where she appears or this is expanded upon?
Hahahah, a glorious read well done, well done man, nice job!
Very nice.
On one hand, I really enjoy your portrayal of Rainbow's emotional state over the course of the story.
On the other hand, both Rainbow and Crystal come across as obnoxious jerks, and it's difficult to imagine Rainbow actually being a responsible homeowner for any real length of time, which makes the ending feel a lot less satisfying than it might.
Still, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more of your work.
Honestly, this was kind of disappointing. Was I supposed to sympathize with Rainbow? Because I didn't. Whole lot of setup and conflict that might have gotten me there eventually, to learn more about why she's being such an insufferable brat, but it just doesn't really go anywhere or resolve, and then Rainbow leaves, and that's the end.
Frankly the summary had me expecting a whole lot more.
--CG
I have added a word.
Short, simple, feels like it comes to a very sudden end without proper closure on what felt like the main conflict.
Oh, the tea party talk/flashback had me at the heart. I wish this was a chapter long story, I'd really love to see more of this. Especially since it's hinted that Rainbow's mother was some sort of abuser. Would really like to look more into that. But overall I really liked it. Just wish there was more!
This is a pretty thoughtful story. I'm surprised there's no resolution between Dash and Crystal, but then again, I'm glad there isn't. It feels more real. At this point in Dash's life, having not met Twilight and gotten back together with her past friends, it wouldn't make sense that she would patch things up with Crystal.
It is rather remarkable that she gets to move out. Into a house no less. An apartment seems more reasonable, but a whole freaking house?
I will say though, this story should not have the sex tag. Pulling a prank like that isn't the same thing as having mature content in your story. I would advise remove it, but it's up to you. It does come off as misleading.
Going to admit, I too would have sided with Crystal in such a situation. Rainbow is being your typical, moody bratty teenage girl, and I don't think that's something Crystal or Blaze either want to admit or acknowledge. Do I get that Rainbow wanted to unwind? Sure! There had been a time when I'd gone so far as to punch a hole in my wall after a particularly stressful day at school when I was 16. However I don't think Rainbow realizes she can relieve stress without being obnoxious. She enjoys soccer, so why doesn't she go kick a ball around the backyard? Instead she chooses to be as obnoxious to Crystal as possible, and from the sound of it, Rainbow never gave her a chance to begin with.
Absolute proof that Rainbow is the master of pranks
I
7445632
Biological or stepmother? Cause if it's the former, you'll need to explain.
7445966
Any questions?
7445972
Sweet Celestia, both her biological mother and Crystal Waters?
Poor kid.
7445977 Crystal Waters is more of an overprotective woman who really wants to be a good mother but doesn't respect personal space.
7445989
Hmm, yeah, I can see how that would clash with Rainbow's personality.
This was some good fun.
It does feel like much has been left open for the sequel, info on Dash's bio-mom, more character for Crystal, how Dash deals with her house, how Dash meets her friends, etc.
It's good on its own, but could be made better with a sequel.
I liked this, no question. A bit coincidental that this is coming out as I'm working on a story involving Rainbow Dash, her family issues and psychology, but I'm not complaining.
7445632 I can NEVER get rid of that black spoiler tag while reading on my phone. If there isn't a known way of removing it, mind PMing me about who you think RD's biological mother is? I have a theory, but it's just so out there, that I have doubts.
Despite not being in the mood for family drama stories, having gone through a few in real life, this story was very engaging and well written and I do hope it gets a follow up at some point.
Also,
Oh, so even as a CHILD, he was still the obnoxious egotistical MLP equivalent of Jar Jar Binks. Well, to this story's credit, it at least had him as a passing aneurism as opposed to a 22 minute long one.
Pretty sure this guy would politely disagree with you.
pre08.deviantart.net/fc70/th/pre/f/2014/046/0/f/dr__wolf_by_flaminbunny-d76nij5.png
In fact, if this story DOES get a follow up, have the family go to therapy and have Dr. Wolf be their psychologist.
bloggingwizard.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/reader-engagement-make-it-so.jpg ...... please?
7445966 Biological.
7446555 Dr. Wolf? Wasn't that guy bio analyzed or something?
This story made me realize I want to see a lot more teenage human Zephyr Breeze.
Bit sad to see a complete tag on this. You've got me wanting more of this look into Rainbow's life.
7446420 If you're using Safari, there's no way to get rid of the spoiler box. If you're using something else like Firefox or Chrome, just tapping on it works. Though if I remember correctly, you can't post comments with Chrome on mobile for some weird reason.
7446703 He's the villain of Othello by Shakespeare and also Jafar's minion in Disney's Aladdin.
7444122 Have you noticed your criticism isn't internally consistent?
Here you say:
But then you say:
...So which one is it? Do her actions seem justified, or is she a brat?
You also kind of go into this shpiel about how the story should try to be fifty/fifty, which I don't think was ever the point. The story is about Rainbow Dash and how she moved out and a pivotal relationship in her life. It's not about her coming to terms with Crystal Waters. It's about a quirk of her characterization which exists not only in this story, but as a loose thread through Oroboro's other stories set in this universe. Even just looking at the current text, though, I thought it came across pretty strong that Crystal may not be a bad person but she's understandably grating on Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash has established conflicts with her Dad's first wife and doesn't want a mother and really just wants to play her music a little loud and practice soccer.
Crystal Wishes, meanwhile, is probably more restrained and annoyed at effectively gaining a housemate who's a bit of a slob, plays loud music, and fights back. Plus, she doesn't have a ton of respect for Rainbow's personal space, and isn't afraid to try to push Blaze into taking sides.
I mean you could add more, but in this case I think the story works as it is. More can come later, but this is an open and shut case study into why Rainbow would want to move out, and provides a lot of relevant character information in a relatively compressed space.
(which incidentally are my thoughts on the story overall, enjoyed the read Oroboro, congrats on the dubious honor of joining the featurebox club with this one!)
7447864
I know my writnig was a tad contradictory, was kind of hard to get my exact thoughts out.
I wrote a review for this story.
You can find it Here.
I don't know Oro, this honestly didn't do anything for me.
Normally your works really are rather emotional, but this, it just felt...
Blank.
7450751
Or finally do something b*t*hy enough that he gets the hint after so long and sends her scrawny a$$ packing, but by then it'll be to late and Rainbow will have moved out and on to somewhere else and not want to come back.
I really know how Dash feels, my mom and I moved from the house I'd grown up in to get away from my biological father and the step dad we'd moved in with was a male version of Crystal, and god did I hat him. But thankfully my mom saw how he was with me like Crystal was with Dash and she got us out of there on time.
Why is the stepmom the villain? If you are trying to do a switch out, a "Kind heart all along", you aren't wording things right to permit it without a complete flip on the character.
Really, that's what killed it. And it seems like i"m reading someone venting their fustration out from real life issues and it's a shame because the attention to minor details, aside from a few issues, made this a great read.
But your single minded goal into turning someone into a Disney Evil Stepmother killed it for me.
7451702
Girl hon, and yeah I do cause I've lived it.
7452712
It's fine, I'm out of that situation now and things have gotten a lot better.
I've read Oroboro's stuff before, and I've been disappointed before. In fact, every single one of his stories that I've read have had one thing in common: a disappointing ending. And this time was no different.
The characterization was pretty good with RD being a stereotypical teenage brat and her step mom being understandably annoyed at such behavior. That, however, was my first problem with the story. Are we supposed to side with RD? Personally I thought she was being too much of a stubborn bitch to warrant such action on behalf of the reader. Crystal, on the other hand, is trying to deal with the equivalent of a loud, obnoxious, and destructive roommate and, assuming she's tried and failed to broker a peaceful resolution many times, is more understandable in her behavior than the rebellious teenager. I ended up siding with the enemy of the protagonist which was an automatic red flag.
My second problem is one that I've had with literally every single one of Oroboro's stories: abrupt, incomplete endings that leave something to be desired (granted, I have not read all of his stories, but at this rate I'm not going to waste my time). It wouldn't be so bad if these stories had sequels but none of them do. Here we end with the rebellious, cocky teenager getting exactly what she wants, FIN. This is one of those situations where giving the "victim" exactly what she wants is the worst possible thing you can do to her, which leads me into my last issue:
Bad parenting. It's something RD has, according to this story, experienced before. As of the resolution of this story, however, she is still the victim of bad parenting. Do I really need to point out the problem with buying an apartment for your rebellious teenaged daughter to live in, alone, with almost no modicum of parental authority? Throughout the story she is shown to have little respect for others or any sense of respect for anything except her friends and her various archetypal passions. I'd give her a week before she gets raped at a party after passing out drunk. Hell, she'd probably throw said party in the apartment her dad was stupid enough to buy her.
Congrats Oroboro, you've disappointed me again.
7453141
Thanks, and I actually owe a lot of it to everyone on here and another site I'm a member of because it was all of the support from them and y'all that helped me get better.
7446905 First I've heard of it. What do you mean?
7455185 watch "A Serpents Tale" on YouTube....here's the link...-----> http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=z9gH5hLHVck
7453650 Glad you hung in there My parents were like that...I'm now 19 making my own decisions...with limitations to consequence...trust me, my parents still are my parents...just not the parents that I knew as a kid...good to see that someone out there has an experience the the same as mine...good luck in life
7456932
Right back at ya sweetie.
7456913 um... That had nothing to DO with him being analyzed in ANY way.