Rainbow Dash asks Twilight out on a date. It ended up pretty well.
A TwiDash one-shot.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 31st Dec, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 24th, 2021
todorokishh
I’m never active, so if you follow me you’re probably wasting your valuable time.
todorokishh
Joined 31st Dec, 2015 ·
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Okay, this was very rushed. A first date should be special, but this didn't explore really anything dealing with Twi and Dash's feelings as a couple. Twilight said she always had a crush on her, and then they left? Also, that was a very short meal, at least as a reader. Try to draw things out as they would happen in real life.
Regardless of those things I think you should pay some mind to, it was a cute idea. Nothing too original, but it was very fluffy.
Please don't take this personally, I would just like to help you improve.
7430654 Alright. I'll do better in the next story I write. Thanks for the pointers.
Presenting; "Bullet Points, The Story".
7432272 Come again?
7433078
Nearly every sentence in the story came across as a series of bullet points. Just a string of events that you declared to be happening without any flow to it.
7433477
7433500
As I say to everyone who's new to writing, we've all been there. Just takes practice.
7433505 it does. Thanks for the pointers
Ok, when I saw this story written by you, I was surprised... Srsly, you aren't even a shipper! Though it looked like there was all sunshine and rainbows in this, not a single bad moment. (other than it being really rushed)
But I must say, you do very well in writing something you aren't fond of, I'll give ya that. I can't even click on something that has Appledash in it. So, well done..?
Story was too rushed with not enough emotion. No conflict, no comfortable resolution, just fluff and a very predictable plot. I understand it is a one-shot, but it's very bland and shallow.