My Life as a Post-Adolescent Pony

by Unicorncob

9 - Lifestyles of the Rich and the Magical

As it turned out, Ponies do know what a camera is. I picked one up at the Canterlot Tourism Centre, along with a few brochures. Thank Pony-God they each came with a map, or I'd be wearing on the guards' nerves pretty quick. Or getting mugged down a creepy alley. Or both, somehow.

I spotted a café and picked up a coffee, sipping it as I perused a map of the city splayed out on the table. I'd walked in a straight line since leaving the castle, so I was certain I was on the main street. Restaurant Row wasn't far away, and if what Twilight told me about the bearded Pony was right, I assumed Star Swirl Street was dedicated to magical stuff. Though, the big building there marked as Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns was a big clue.
I made a mental note to check both out at some point--I wanted to see what Equestria classed as five-star cuisine (well, three-hoof, according to the brochure), as well as what mystical mumbo-jumbo some weirdo in a back-alley shop might be peddling. Satisfied with the routes planned out in my head, I folded the brochure back up and stuck it in my bag. I made a note of landmarks around the city as well, to take pictures of. What kind of self-respecting tourist would I be if I wasn't taking dumb selfies in front of statues depicting notable figures?

I sat back in my chair and took a sip of my coffee as I started Pony-watching. The whole reason for dining al fresco is eavesdropping and disrespecting privacy, after all. True to Twilight's word, almost every other four-legged sentient being around me sported a horn on their forehead. Some of them were sat at the same café, using their magic to lift their mugs to their lips while my hooves shook trying to do the same. From the looks I got from some of them, they probably thought I was some kind of neanderthal.

Clearly I was playing Pony Life on hard mode.

Eventually, I finished my last mouthful of coffee. Dang, these ponies could make a mean mocaccino. I'd been watching the local creatures milling around, and it gave me some perspective. Slowly but surely, I came to realise that these Ponies had a society that wasn't unlike where I came from. They put hay in sandwiches instead of plucking flowers off the ground. They drank water, but out of glasses instead of rivers or troughs. They've actually established their own society, with leadership and currency. Back in my old world, the most impressive thing a horse could do was run an obstacle course really fast.

It wasn't the ability to fly or lift things wth their mind that intrigued me about these Ponies. It was the fact they could emulate human culture, and dare I say do it better than them. Sure, it wasn't perfect from what Twilight had told me, but I certainly hadn't heard of any wars going on.

Looks like opposable thumbs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Feeling refreshed, I decided it was time to go do some exploring. I was in a strange place with a loaded camera, and the urge to take stupid pictures of my stupid face was too strong to ignore. Maybe I'd be able to do that thing where I get a perfectly-timed shot of myself getting punched in the face after annoying someone? For some reason, I've sorta always wanted to do that. It'd make an interesting story. Or at least a funny one, at my expense.

Gotta laugh at yourself, right?

---

Soon I was trailing behind a small group, led by a Unicorn mare wearing a polo shirt aptly labelled Tour Guide. Shortly into my photo spree, I'd found myself back at the Tourism Centre where this group was huddling together for a walk around Canterlot. Tour groups were invented for putting private lives on display, so I tagged along to indulge. Plus, I'd have somepony to take responsibility if I ended up in trouble. And the two most important things you need when visiting abroad are a scapegoat when you commit a local taboo and a way to ask where the bathroom is.

With my brochure and the tour guide doing her best not to sound like a robot to help me, I followed my fellow clueless visitors around Canterlot. I was happy to start snapping pictures when I wasn't the first to do it. It started with Restaurant Row, where my hopes were quickly dashed. I expected a long line of delicious eateries all lobbying for my money, but a few glances through a few windows left me deflated. I couldn't imagine the mental gymnastics involved in order to convince anypony that those portions that looked barely able to sustain a gnat could be classified as meals. And even then, I could taste the bland lettuce and tofu through the glass. No thank you.

Though, I did catch a refreshing whiff of mixed spices coming from the end of a small alley. An orange building that definitely stood out from the grey and white, called The Tasty Treat. The tour guide mentioned that it was not only the only restaurant in Canterlot with a zero-hoof rating, which should at least render the place condemned, but it was also one of the most popular restaurants in town. I made a mental note to stop by before I headed back to Ponyville.

Naturally, I checked a box off the "Jerk Tourist" list and snapped a selfie of me making an obnoxious face next to a random guard. He didn't react, but I was getting that "I swear, if you're still around when my shift's over..." vibe from him. Surely being annoying to the local law enforcement wasn't an arrestable offence. Right?

Right?

"And here," the guide said, waving her hoof toward a building, "we have Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Named for its founder many centuries ago, Princess Celestia was once Headmare before her duties passed onto Princess Twilight Sparkle."

Something about that didn't sound right. Twilight inherited the throne and school from Celestia, and the school was opened hundreds of years ago? Just how old was she? Or were we simple-minded shutterbugs simply being taken for a ride?

As the name suggested, some Unicorns were milling around outside in the courtyard. Some had their noses buried in big books, others were lighting up their horns and sending waves of colourful light through the air like it was going out of fashion. Mostly to impress each other, given the clapping of hooves and shows of one-upsmanship among small groups of them. I spotted one firing a magical blast at his apple and turn it into an alarm clock. I couldn't make a comment, given how that would likely be my go-to if I were capable of such a thing. Which, as far as I knew, I wasn't.

"Almost makes you wish you had a horn yourself, huh?" a winged mare asked next to me.
"I'd likely end up opening the gates to the underworld or something," I half-joked.
"I wouldn't worry," she giggled. "From what I've heard, it wouldn't be the first time that's happened."

Wait, what?

I blinked and looked at her. "Come again?"
"I heard talk that the gates of Tartarus were opened some time ago. Apparently, it's how Lord Tirek escaped."
"Lord Who-Now?"
"Lord Tirek," she repeated, showing me a picture in her guidebook. "He could, and did, suck the magic out of everypony in Equestria."

I took a look at the Lord in question. A huge Centaur with flowing white hair, and arms a torso that made me immediately picture him tearing a giant tree out of the ground and suplexing it.

"Wait, you said everypony," I pointed out. "As in, not just Unicorns?"
"Yup, Earth Ponies and Pegasi have magic too," she said, proudly flexing her wings. "It's how we Pegasi can fly and control the weather, after all."

I stopped myself from questioning that 'control the weather' thing. She said it like it was common knowledge, and bringing up how I knew nothing about it would surely raise some red flags I didn't feel like dealing with. Instead, I took a look at myself. If this mare was implying what I thought she was, even though I couldn't cast spells or fly, I still had some kind of magic. What I could do with it was a whole other matter, if I truly had any to begin with.

Then it hit me. Twilight. She was big on this magic stuff. If anypony could confirm or deny my being more than just a talking four-legged creature with a weird tattoo, it was her. Well, I was more than that, but you know what I mean.

I made a mental note to ask her about it the next time I saw her. I was sure she would be too busy princessing to teach me what was probably kindergarten stuff at the moment. So I put my existentialism to the side for the time being and went back to being a weird tourist.

We carried on toward the rich side of town. Well, that wasn't to say most of the places in this city weren't stupid expensive, but this was where the rich Ponies played. Unicorns in suits, dresses and all other manners of fancy clothing strutted along like their farts didn't stink, and some made it their purpose in life to avoid acknowledging that our little tour group existed. I heard murmurngs of "Commoners" and "Poor creatures", and I could swear one stallion with a sweater tied around his shoulders called me a "Dirt Pony" under his breath to his (trophy?) wife. I didn't know if it was an insult or not, but the way he said it filled me with an urge to do something to him that would result in his having his pince-nez surgically removed from his backside. The presence of law enforcement stopped that plan, so I settled for a sneer of my own back at him.

I'll be poor just to spite you, Mr. Trust Fund.

I peered through some shop windows, and couldn't believe the prices. One painting cost more than the mortgage on my house. At least Canterlot Carousel was a bit more reasonable. Still pricy, but you didn't need to see a loan shark or sell some organs to buy a jacket from there. Plus, I wasn't an expert on fashion, but the outfits in the window sure looked worth the bits.

I furrowed my brow. Canterlot Carousel was a name that rang a bell. I wondered if Rarity was involved with the place. Was she the owner of a clothing chain across Equestria? The trendsetting head of a fashion empire?

And she furnished some random shmuck's home in return for a bit of manual labour? Man, that is generous. Or it could be her way of keeping me in her back pocket for when she needs some concrete socks delivered halfway across the planet or something.

---

The last stop on the tour was Canterlot Castle. Many of the tourists had been looking forward to it, but it didn't hit me quite as hard. As impressive as the architecture was from out front, it was slightly mulled by the fact that the first thing I did when I got to Canterlot was throw up in front of the nation's leader.

Now that'd be a souvenir. "I puked in front of Princess Twilight and all I got was this crummy T-shirt."

The group travelled through the main foyer and out the back to the gardens. A lot of marble statues adjorned the path, depicting different important figures in Equestria's history. One that stood out to me was of Discord, who was poised like he was about to begin a song number. The plaque in front of it said it was the pose he was petrified in by the Royal Sisters, who brought an end to the First Reign of Chaos. He escaped many decades later, and was thwarted during the shorter-lived Second Reign of Chaos. He'd since become an ally of Equestra, albeit an unpredictable and often aloof one, though he agreed to pose for another statue, for posterity.

"Lovely, isn't it?" My heart nearly leapt out of my mouth when Discord's voice popped up in my ear, and I turned to see the... uh...

"Draconequus," he said, suddenly producing a book with the name and a crude sketch of himself.

Yeah, that. He was suddenly looming behind me.

"You look spooked, Sharpy," Discord went on, sending the book into thin air with a snap of his fingers. "Am I that scary?"
"Oh, uh, not really," I said, swallowing as my heartbeat slowly lowered from 'hummingbird wing' level. "I just didn't hear you coming."
Discord's long face stretched from his proud smirk. "Ahh, my stealth buff is paying off."
I blinked. "Stealth buff?"
"Oh, just a little Ogres and Oubliettes jargon," he said, waving his talons dismissively. "Oh, why don't you come to the Castle for a game one night?"

From takng a moment to pick out keywords, I figured he was talking about a tabletop board game. I dabbled in a few back in my old world, but I wasn't the hugest fan. Mostly because of all the numbers involved. Maybe it'd be different here, more exciting. But man, this place had an answer to everything.

"I'll think about it," I told him. "So what're you doing here? Just admiring your work over there?"
"That's the third reason," he answered, producing a large magnifying glass and pressing it against my temple. "The second one is I wanted to keep an eye on you and make sure nothing untoward or otherworldly was going on."
"I'm, uh, not trying to take over Equestra, if that's what you're worried about."
Discord scoffed and waved his paw. "Oh no, you're far too jumpy to be a villain. And you still really have no idea where you are, do you?"
"Nope," I admitted. "I'm more interested in surviving this place than conquering it."
"Oh, I'm not big on the whole 'conquering' thing anymore myself," Discord said. "Lost its luster after I started making friends. It turns out these Ponies are real characters when you get to know them."
"You're telling me. So, what's the first reason?"
Discord's eyes shifted. "The what-now?"
"You told me your second and third reasons for giving me a heart attack. What's your, uh, main quest?"
"Ooh! Already getting in the Ogres and Oubliettes spirit." Discord gave me a more genuine smile. I think. "I like it! So I'll tell you. I wanted to... uhh... you know... that thing you do when you're... not a hundred percent correct about someone's intentions and so you don't behave accordingly."
I tilted my head and stared at his strained face until I caught on. "You want to apologise for threatening to hurt me?"
"Yes, that!" He snapped his fingers and a square graduation cap flopped on my head. "You are a smart cookie! I'm still getting used to the whole 'friendship' thing, and maybe I'm just a teeny little bit protective of Fluttershy. She's been a dear friend to me, despite my... missteps. And her friends have all been rather patient with me and my well-meaning mistakes. Very well-meaning, I must stress."

I lifted the cap off my head and looked up at Discord. I realised I was once again taking all his rambling surprisingly well. Was I already getting used to him? Or was I just glad the omnipresent reality warper didn't have me on his hitlist anymore? Probably the latter.

"In hindsight," he went on, "I suppose my theory of you being some kind of alien in disguise trying to whisk Fluttershy away to your own dimension was a little farfetched."
I raised my eyebrow, which I was getting quite good at despite it not being my special talent. "That is a little out there, yeah. Well, I am technically an alien, but--"
"Oh, I don't blame you for leaving your own world," he interrupted. "I took a look at it while you were on your tour of Canterlot. Yuck."
I snorted. "No kidding. You can see why I'm in no real hurry to get back."
"Oh, speaking of conquering Equestria," he said, looking like something just popped into his head, "would you like to see another little statue I was involved with?"
"Sure," I said with a shrug.

I watched as Discord snapped his talons, and a door appeared. He opened it and gestured for me to go in first. And never let it be said that I refused chivalrous gestures from eccentric reality warping creatures that would probably kill me if I did. I stepped inside and found myself in another part of the Royal Gardens, with Discord stepping through behind me.

It was indeed another statue, though this one wasn't nearly as... welcoming. It was of a tall, lanky Unicorn with insect-like wings throwing her Swiss-cheese legs ahead with her face frozen into a roar of pure hatred, her snake-like tongue waving. Behind her was a scrawny Centaur recoiling like he was getting hit by something. And on top was a small Pegasus holding her face with a look of fear.

"This here," Discord said, now sporting a tweed jacket and square glasses, "depicts the last time our land was under serious threat. Here we have Queen Chrysalis, a rather nasty Changeling; Cozy Glow, quite the precociously evil little filly; and Lord Tirek, quite an untrustworthy peace of work."
I noted the level of venom in his voice when talking about Tirek, who looked different from the guidebook, I noticed. "I thought he'd be... beefier?"
"Oh, his stolen magic was drained by then," Discord explained. "For the best, really. Anywho, these three had found the Bewitching Bell, a dangerous artifact that could steal and bestow magic to and from different creatures, and used it to give themselves unimaginable power. But good old Princess Twilight and her friends prevailed by uniting Equestria against them. With my help, of course."
I had to ask. "How did you help?"
"Oh, I posed as these three's leader and got them to work together and find the Bell so Twilight could feel like she was truly ready to lead Equestria by defeating a devastating threat."

The speed in which he said all that and the indescribable look on my face spoke volumes, I'm sure.

"I know, I know," Discord said, holding up his hands, "I admit I didn't think it through. But I only had good intentions."
His tone implied he'd already gotten the lecture, so I elected to spare him. I didn't have much authority to speak on it anyway, not being present at the time and all. So I took in the statue a little more.

A Changeling, a Centaur and a filly. A shapeshifter, a magic thief and a child. This place was really filled with all kinds, wasn't it? And if a villain could even be one of the 'good guys', so to speak...

"So, why show me this?" I asked. "I get this is an important bit of history, but why show a non-native to this world?"
"Well firstly, I thought it'd be some interesting lore," Discord said, shrugging. "Secondly, the statue was my idea. See? Good intentions."
"I believe you," I assured him. "Way to the underworld and all that."
"And thirdly," he went on, and I detected a hint of seriousness in his voice, "it's just to warn you that this place isn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows. These three attacked only a little while ago, and there's no telling when the next big villain will pop out of the woodwork. You might even get wrapped up in it, Sharpy."
"Huh? Why me?"
"Otherworldly secrets or some such? Who knows what some creatures are thinking. It's just to let you know danger might pop up in your face, but I'm sure you'll persevere. You Ponies always do."
"But I'm not a Pony." I looked at myself. "Well, I look like one, but... you know what I mean."
"You seem pretty comfortable in your own skin. Own it while you still have it, Sharpy old boy. You might even find yourself going native, if you haven't already."

The air felt thick and I could feel my pupils dilating. Why did everything suddenly get so ominous?

"But that's enough real talk!" Discord grinned, like he hadn't said anything at all. "You keep enjoying your time here in Equestria. Remember to check out the Tasty Treat, I've heard good things about it." He lifted the fur on his pawed arm, revealing a wristwatch. "As for me, I've got to get to Fluttershy's. Important teatime stuff, you understand."

He snapped his fingers and a little scooter appeared beside him. He hopped on and a helmet dropped from the sky, latching itself onto him.

"Uh, sure," I said, trying not to question why something from my world was here. "You two have fun."
"Oh, it's all we ever do!" Discord smiled, revving the engine. "Feel free to admire the statue some more. If you lean in closely, you can probably still hear them in there, arguing amongst themselves." And with a flash, he vanished.

"Excuse me what."

Comments

[Fictionfan100]

Hoping for more regular uploads than what has been so far, Cause the story is not that bad compared to most other stories i’ve read

[Unicorncob]

10963910
Thanks! Yeah I know, things have been awkward for me lately but I'm going to attempt to post more regularly

[StarzGecko]

I wish that Discord had instead reform these 3 villains because what he did and hasn’t shown never really has prove me he has changed at all.

Discord needs to show that he has changed by reforming the 3 villains to be friends but since he doesn’t care it’s just… doesn’t work for all the work M6 had done to led him to change when his don’t have anything bare fruit to show that he has changed and can changed someone like him.

Btw, nice story. I definitely need to read it again to refresh

[Unicorncob]

10967003
Tbf they all had their chances
Thanks!

[duckmagee]

So discord implies the villian three a aware in there stone prison that horrifying

[Unicorncob]

11404216
He might be joking, but...

[Luckyfanisaac]

Naturally, I checked a box off the "Jerk Tourist" list and snapped a selfie of me making an obnoxious face next to a random guard. He didn't react, but I was getting that "I swear, if you're still around when my shift's over..." vibe from him. Surely being annoying to the local law enforcement wasn't an arrestable offence. Right?

Now that'd be a souvenir. "I puked in front of Princess Twilight and all I got was this crummy T-shirt."

Pfffff

[Poparakelis]

I spotted a café and picked up a coffee, sipping it as I perused a map of the city splayed out on the table. I'd walked in a straight line since leaving the castle, so I was certain I was on the main street. Restaurant Row wasn't far away, and if what Twilight told me about the bearded Pony was right, I assumed Star Swirl Street was dedicated to magical stuff. Though, the big building there marked as Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns was a big clue. I made a mental note to check both out at some point--I wanted to see what Equestria classed as five-star cuisine (well, three-hoof, according to the brochure), as well as what mystical mumbo-jumbo some weirdo in a back-alley shop might be peddling. Satisfied with the routes planned out in my head, I folded the brochure back up and stuck it in my bag. I made a note of landmarks around the city as well, to take pictures of. What kind of self-respecting tourist would I be if I wasn't taking dumb selfies in front of statues depicting notable figures?

That's what 3-4 chapters with these fucking paragraphs glued?