2 - Walk Like an Equestrian
“Front right, back left, front left, back right. Front right, back left, front left, back right. Front right, back left, front right, back--”
And my intense whispering to myself was interrupted by a yelp as I flopped forward and landed on my steadily numbing chin.
I sighed and slowly pushed myself back onto my hooves. This whole ‘walking on all fours’ thing was harder than it looked. I figured it be as simple as walking along with both legs at the same time, but the first three times I tried that are how I ended up with a bandage on my face.
“Well, least y’all can git yerself up now,” Applejack chuckled, a warm smile on her face as she walked past me a bit.
“Okay first of all--” I began, but my rant was cut off when I looked past her to see what looked like civilisation. Beyond the little cobblestone bridge going over a small, calm river was a collection of thatch-roof houses. Real medieval looking job. One tall building stuck out over them, along with…
“Is that a crystal tree?” I asked, pointing a hoof toward the shimmering purple tree thing that seemed to have a castle sticking out of it. Seriously, the heck was that about?
“Oh, sorta,” Applejack said, looking toward the crystal castle tree thing in question. “That there’s the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle. She’s the Princess of Friendship, y’know.”
My jaw hung open for a few seconds, before I could finally comprehend what I just heard. “The Princess of what?”
“Yeah, Ah don’t really get it either,” the mare admitted, shrugging her shoulders. “But anyway, this here’s Ponyville. Got everythin’ you’ll ever need, and the locals are mighty friendly.”
“Sweet,” I said out of instinct, then blinked slowly and looked at her with an awkward face. “Um, what exactly do I need?”
“Y’all are gonna need somewhere to stay,” the farmpony explained, “which means y’all are gonna need some bits.”
“Um… bits of what?”
“Bits,” she repeated, cocking her eyebrow. “Like, what we use to buy things. Remember?”
Hoof and forehead got reacquainted as I processed that knowledge. Bits were the currency. Registered.
“Right, right,” I muttered, nodding and putting my hoof back down. “And where can I get some… bits?” It felt so weird to say. Such a simple concept, but to me it sounded like the most vague thing.
“Check the board outside town hall,” the mare said, pointing toward the not-so-tall and not-so-sparkly building sticking up over the thatch roofs. “There’s almost always somepony hirin’.”
“Odd jobs, huh?” I summarised, then nodded again. “Yeah, I can handle that. I mean, I’ve nearly got walking down.” That earned another weird look from Applejack.
“Aaaaanyway,” she went on awkwardly, “Ah really gotta mosey on home. Got more chores t’do, y’know how it is. Y’all got it from here?”
She could make up any excuse she wanted, I could tell she wanted as far away from me as possible. And thinking about it, I couldn’t blame her. I probably looked like a complete lunatic to her.
“Yep, I think I got this,” I half-lied, and offered her an awkward grin. “Thanks for all the help, Applejack. Can I call you Jack or…?”
“Mah friends call me AJ,” she offered a more sincere grin. “Don’t be a stranger. And if y’all are starvin’ fer work, or just starvin’, we could always use some extra hooves down on the farm. But y’all better focus on workin’ those hooves a’yers so y’all ain’t stumblin’ around like a pig gettin’ in the cider.”
Oh, so now you’re calling me a fat drunk.
“Uh, yeah,” I chuckled, feeling a warm flush on my face. “I’ll work on that. Thanks again.”
We waved hooves as she walked back the way she came, and I couldn’t help but notice she was rather quick on her step.
“Alright,” I muttered, and slowly shambled toward the bridge in an attempt to cross it into… Ponyville, did she call it? Well, it was to-the-point. “Walk properly, get a job, something else, profit. That can’t be too hard, right?”
“WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!” I yelled in pure unbridled frustration after falling on my face for the fourth time since I entered Ponyville. Not once in my life had I figured putting one leg after the other would be so difficult.
I pulled myself back onto my hooves and sighed, shaking my head. I didn’t like the way other ponies were looking at me, judging me with their dumb judging pony eyes. They thought they were so cool, didn’t they? Walking around on all fours like it’s no one’s business. Why didn’t those fancy-pants unicorns use their magic to just float themselves around?
And don’t get me started on the winged ones. They didn’t even need to use their legs, just fly around on those fancy-pants wings of theirs. How did they even stay aerodynamic with those tiny wings?!
But before I could ponder if there was indeed a pony around here named Fancy-Pants, a pair of mares walked up to me. One cream-coloured with a pink and blue mane, the other a unicorn rocking a real seafoam look.
“Um, are you alright there?” the hornless pony asked.
“Uh, yeah I’m good,” I lied, flexing my hind leg a bit. “I just tripped over a rock or something. Um, is town hall this way?”
She nodded and pointed a hoof toward the large circular building in what looked like the town square. “Right over there. You’re new in town, huh? I’m Bonbon, and this here is Lyra Heartstrings.” She moved her hoof to the seafoam pony.
“Hey, I’m, uh... Sharp Sight,” I muttered, my new name still sounding weird. The alliteration is nice but… still, weird.
Lyra finally opened her mouth, and I just realised how wide her eyes were opened as she stared right at me. “Hiiiiiii…”
I need an adult.
“Ummmmmm… okay, I uh, I need to get going,” I muttered, skirting around the potentially insane and hopefully less-insane ponies. “So, um… catch you later…?”
“Yup, see you later,” Bonbon nodded and started to walk off.
“Can I touch your face?” Lyra muttered before her friend dragged her off.
I kept my horrified stare fixed on the mares as they walked off, whispering to each other.
Alright, I thought, backing up a few steps more, Okay, new assessment. You’re in a town of ponies that are possibly out of their minds. But you can do this. Just keep a low profile and you’ll be-- “MOTHER OF--”
I stumbled back and flopped onto my backside, for once I turned around, my sight of the town hall was replaced by a pair of blue eyes right in my face. Now that I was significantly backed away, I could see they belonged to a very, very, very pink pony. Like, pink all over apart from her eyes and the blue and yellow balloons on her flanks. Oh, and her white teeth displayed in her unsettlingly wide grin.
“Hiya new pony!” she began, talking as if her words were being fired out of a machine gun. “I’m Pinkie Pie and I always love meeting new ponies and you’re a new pony so I love meeting you so nice to meet you!”
“Uh--”
“But I dunno how much I love you since we just met and I dunno who you are except your name is Sharp Sight cuz you were talking to Lyra and Bonbon and that you know Applejack cuz I saw you come into town with her!”
“How did--”
“But O-M-G, a brand new pony in Ponyville! Are you gonna move here? There’s loads of really nice places, like Twilight’s castle! But she’s already got Starlight Glimmer living there so I dunno if she has anymore rooms but it’s a big castle so there’s probably lots of rooms even with Spike living there too!”
“Who is--”
“Gaaaaaaaaasp! I just realised if you’re moving in Ponyville then that means we gotta have a ‘Welcome to Ponyville Sharp Sight’ party! We can have it in Sugarcube Corner you should totally come I mean you have to you’re the guest of honour! I gotta go get prepped there’s so much to do there’s treats to bake and invitations to send out and music to set up oh wow I gotta get on that see you later welcome to Ponyville byeeeeee!!”
And in a pink stream of light, she was off in some direction that I couldn’t follow.
I hastily powerwalked toward the town hall, nearly tripping over myself multiple times on the way. I couldn’t register anything that motor mouth pony said, and I was too busy fearing for my life to think about attempting it. All I could think at that moment was how Applejack could leave a poor tourist alone in this town full of crazy people--ponies. Crazy ponies. With butt tattoos of flowers and fruits and musical instruments. How do you even play a harp with hooves!
Thankfully, the craziness seemed to tone down when I got inside the town hall. It was much quieter, pretty spacious too. I looked up at the banners hanging from the ceilings; yellow and blue ones depicting similarly coloured ponies on them. I mentally admitted to myself that they were kinda cool.
I approached the curtained doorway at the back of the room, assuming the mayor’s office was that way. I’d guessed the leader of the town was responsible for keeping track of vacancies, or at least point me to Sparkle Shine Real Estate or whatever schmaltzy name it might have. I took comfort knowing my own taken name at least had an air of respectability.
I hopped onto the little raised platform at the end of the large hall and approached the dark doorway.
And once again I found my face hitting something and my body falling over. Though this time, I wasn’t alone. A womanly grunted sounded in front of me, followed by the flapping of paper. I looked up and saw a brown mare with little glasses and a silver-grey mane. She had a folded white collar around her neck, with this cute little green poofy ruffle thing on it.
“Oh goodness,” she muttered and scrambled to pick up her papers. Looked like a big stack too.
Slipping through a window of mercy, I got myself up and tried to pick up some papers sitting near me. “Sorry, sorry, lemme just… ugh c’mon you… get up…”
In my attempt to be chivalrous, I had forgotten the loss of my fingers, and I was snorting with irritation as the papers slipped off my hooves and back to the floor.
And then I noticed that I snorted. As in, like a horse. Was I going native already?
I turned to the mare and saw her holding some papers between her teeth as she tried to organise her stack. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity.
Mouth. Duh.
I gathered some papers and grabbed them between my teeth, scowling at that awful taste. It was like licking a lot of envelopes at once.
I carefully set them on the stack of papers, clearly out of place with how unfocused they were but I didn’t dare touch them with fear of toppling the Leaning Tower of… Town Law Forms.
“Thank you,” the pony said, adjusting the papers and smiling at the neat stack on the ground. “I really should’ve gotten my secretary to do this. Or hire another secretary.”
My special ability of word association (Or perception, if my name and cutie mark have no choice but to establish a theme for me) allowed me to put it together. “I’m guessing you’re the mayor?”
“That’s me,” she said with a nod, “Mayor Mare at your service.”
“Mayor Mare?” I repeated, then a snort escaped my muzzle. “That’s clever.”
“Um, yes,” she muttered, then cleared her throat. “Ahem, how can I help you, Mr…?”
I blinked as I remembered why I was even standing there in the first place, and offered a little grin.
“Oh, Sharp Sight, ma’am,” I said. “I was planning on moving into town here, and was hoping there were any vacancies? A pony named Applejack pointed me here for that.”
It felt so weird speaking a pony ‘ma’am’, but if I wanted to survive in a world of ponies, I couldn’t afford to get on anyone’s bad side. Especially the supposed mayor.
“Oh! You know Applejack?” Mayor Mare chirped, suddenly sporting a re-energised grin as she began flipping through the stack of papers. “Well, any friend of the Elements of Harmony is a friend of mine! And the town’s, of course.”
“Elements of wh--” I began, before my face became the victim of a full frontal assault by sheet of paper.
“Here’s a free house,” the mayor said behind the paper. “Just off town square so you have a lovely view. It’s the only vacancy we have right now, though.”
I peeled the paper off my poor face and took a look at it. From the attached picture, it seemed alright. One storey tall, but it looked spacious enough. I started reading through the footnotes. Or would those be hoofnotes?
34 Appleseed Road, Ponyville, Principality of Equestria, PV463
-Single-floor house
-5 rooms
-Kitchen with refrigerator unit and oven
-Bathroom unit
-Close to town square
B20,000
“Uhh,” I muttered and prodded the bottom of the sheet, “what’s this number at the bottom?” I clenched my legs, getting a bad feeling.
The mayor craned her head to have a look for herself. “Oh, that’s the cost for the house. Twenty-thousand bits.”
The clenching intensified, and I felt my backside going numb. “Twe--?!” I spluttered. I had no idea how much twenty-thousand of these ‘bit’ things were worth, but if it was for a house, it had to be a lot.
“Oh don’t worry if you can’t afford it right off the bat,” Mayor Mare said with a casual wave of her hoof. “You can pay it off at a later date.”
“Oh, I can?” I asked, sounding a little more relieved. “In that case, I’ll take a look at it.”
“Splendid!” The mayor chirped, then shoved a big feather with a pointed end at me.
Sharp, you uncultured swine. It’s called a quill.
“If you’re happy with the place,” she went on, “just sign the dotted line on the vacancy form and bring it back here as soon as you can.”
“Will do,” I said, and looked at the form again. “Um, isn’t there a deed or…?”
“Oh, you’ll get that when you pay off the twenty-thousand bits,” she explained with a smile. “The house will remain property of the township till you pay the loan in full!”
And there was the catch. The house wasn’t technically mine until I paid it off. They could boot me out any time they pleased, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Whoever they were. Probably the pony police.
I stifled a snort at the thought of ponies in blue police uniforms busting down the door and putting hoof-cuffs on me during a sugar raid or something.
The mayor tilted her head. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh nothing,” I lied. “Just remember a funny… SO! I sign the form if I like the place, and pay it off ASAP or risk getting booted out at your earliest convenience?”
“That’s the gist of it!”
“Brilliant! I’ll get right on that then,” I said, and took the form and quill before trotting to the door. “Thanks, ma’am!”
“Thank you for the help with the papers, Mr…?”
“Sharp Sight.” I figured that paperwork was messing with her train of thought. I remembered why I never went into politics.
“That’s an interesting name. Welcome to Ponyville!”
I smiled and trotted back outside, eager to see what looked like my home for a while. Ponyville was the closest thing to civilisation I was aware of at the moment, and if Crazy Town was to be my home, then so it would be.
I arrived at the house, and much to my relief, the form did not lie. It was just off the town square, and it looked spacy enough. I opened the door, which I found strange right off the bat. Why wasn’t the place locked?
And then I realised it couldn’t lock. There was no sign of a keyhole anywhere on the door.
Either this was a very trustworthy community, or I was the universe’s biggest sucker.
I walked inside and took a look around. Indeed, there was a fridge and oven in the kitchen, and the bathroom had a working toilet, sinks and shower. Ponies can build and operate indoor plumbing. Go figure.
Next to the bathroom was a spacious room with a good view of the countryside surrounding Ponyville. Lots of trees and hills. I decided that’d be my bedroom, because if I was going to sleep and do private things, I didn’t want to be where locals could put their faces to the glass and watch me like I were a zoo exhibit.
And then I began wondering if this world had zoos. If ponies could talk, could other animals? Would zoos technically be prisons for tourists to visit?
I shook the thought of pony tourist zoos out of my head for the moment, as I had more pressing matters on hand. Or was that ‘on hoof’?
It was still bright out, I proposed not long after noon. There was time to go out and find paying work to do. I needed to see if ponies used proper beds, then get some food, then worry about the twenty-thousand bit debt I was in.
Oh, the form!
I took the quill in one hoof, which caused it to fall on the ground. I tried clenching it in both hooves, and attempted to write ‘Sharp Sight’ on the dotted line.
I say ‘attempted’ because the end result turned out to be an illegible mess of inky squiggles that went on, above and below the dotted line.
“Nailed it,” I muttered to myself while harnessing all the sarcasm in the world, and pumped my hoof in the air.
And then I went to dump my John Hancock at Town Hall and look for work on the bulletin board.
Some ponies turned and gave me funny looks when I giggled to myself at the thought of the name ‘John Hanclop’.
And I became convinced that I would not survive here.
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This isn't dead? What a pleasant surprise.
8178004 Real life happened, you know how it is
Dear God my sides, update when?
8179060 Update when I have a clear idea for one
8179123
Good enough for me :V
Until next time on "Sharp Sight's Misadventures as the Unofficial Errand Pony."
8267933
Season 1 now on Netflanks
8269236
And that is why I miss having any sort of TV subscriptions.
8269245
I feel you, sometimes it's worth it for once
Ah, don't worry, bud! You are just going to find yourself being shoved around by Murphy
a little bita lot.Also, what is wrong with Lyra? I'm going to assume you are going with the major fanon of "I am lyra and luvvvv huemanz." And that she detected somehow that he was a human...
8303312
Stick with Murphy, you'll be alright
And yeah I was sorta going for that, like she has this strong feeling he's not from around there. And she's likely going to stalk him for a while.
This is interesting so far I hope there will be more of the back story as to why Sharp managed to arrive in Equestria.
8306143
All shall
eventuallybe explainedSo dude has barely stepped in cartoon horse land and he's tying himself down to a house loan, without even considering going back to his own world or anything. There's nonchalance and there's plotholes.
9420674
Well he needs somewhere to rest till he figures out what's going on, besides it's not going to matter much if he manages to get out of there anyway
9420674
Before all your fancy thoughts you gotta eat, and before you get hungry better have where to sleep, going directly to going back without knowing left from right, or risking starving to death seems smart to me.
Second chapter and me am HOOKED!
Wtf Lyra.
Lyra knows something