- Member Since 22nd Jul, 2016
- offline last seen Sep 3rd, 2017
PKMN Trainer Red
Totally not the secret alt of another account meant just to post clopfics on.
PKMN Trainer Red
Joined 22nd Jul, 2016 ·
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PKMN Trainer Red · 13k words · 787 37 · 16k views
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Dusk Shine's Love Life149 stories ·529 members
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A raging boner, I have. Pardon me, you must.
Loved it.
This needs a sequel, possibly with Gleaming pregnant.
Interesting
THIS IS A SPOILER REVIEW (Not that there is much to spoil in terms of story)
I've been critiquing clop fics for awhile now, and this story shares one of the many problems with most modern clop fics.
Absolutely no build-up.
There was no explanation as to why Dusk wished to seek a sexual relationship with Gleaming. Not only that, but this is very out of Dusk's character (assuming it goes off of Twilight's minus the girly girl in her). I could see Gleaming doing that somewhat, but it just doesn't suit it for Dusk to go above and beyond and rape his sister.
A way this could've worked is have two perspectives of Gleaming and Dusk with their own chapters or just split the chapter in half to explain motives, their person, and other key development elements.
I will give you this though, the story does have good detailing and does a good share amount of showing, not telling, but when it comes down to the hard facts, this is not a story, but is instead detailed word porn.
Maybe I'm being a bit hard considering porn does not have story, but on a site all about making stories, a clop fic should not only possess sex, but it should also contain a decent story developing the feelings in why one would have such desires or how they became closer and came to that point.
Again, I'd like to mention that much of the story is well detailed (though some parts could be more detailed) and you should keep trying at making stories! Have a good day!
I'd also like to say that this isn't really a romance or Slice of Life from the way you wrote it. Sibling sex is not an average kind of thing and the sex started by way of rape.
7416542 i agree this soo needs a sequel >~<
7416932
Did you finish the story? This isn't rape, and Dusk isn't "seeking" a sexual relationship with her because they already have one.
Sequel?
7417066 Rape is defined by non-consentful sex. Nothing more and nothing less.
Rape is if someone tells someone to stop and they don't, which Dusk didn't.
7417066 Yeah, I didn't catch that part, either way, this story still isn't very good in my opinion.
7417571
They were roleplaying; Gleaming was 100% fine with it, and didn't actually want him to stop at any point.
7416932 I'd argue that clop doesn't always need a real story if it's meant to just get you off. Internal consistency is key, not build up in most cases. Unless you are going for emotional attachment, which in that case build up in some form is a necessity. It all depends on your audience and what you are trying to accomplish.
Although your claim that they are out of characters is a bit worrying, as I have yet to read it.
7416932
7417066
Hey guys, I see this is sparking a bit of a back-and-forth, and I'd like to point to my author notes at the bottom of this story. Gleaming Shield has a codeword, so if she actually didn't want sex, she'd have used the codeword (and while she was doing oral she could either have bobbed off or have an equivalent hoof signal).
As also mentioned in the author notes, I tried to write Gleaming's thoughts and view so that, if you aren't aware it's roleplay, it could read like she doesn't want it, but doesn't out-and-out say that (when she's saying something as dialogue, that's a different animal, since dialogue isn't direct thought). If you see any passages that are really iffy, then please point them out to me! It could be something that I genuinely did overlook, or someplace I got too clever with my wording and came off too strong.
Re: tags. Given the actual intents behind-the-scene (roleplay), I figured SoL would fit as it reads as being something 'normal' enough that they do something similar on a regular basis, given Dusk doesn't even need any lead-up like "Hey let's roleplay" before actually starting. Admittedly, there might not be perhaps enough gooey romance moments for the Romance tags though I think I will edit in a few extra lines to the ending later to make that more appropriate.
7416542
7416963
7417406
I've been considering one. I have just been trying to think about where the most appropriate place in the timeline to fit would be (and who else to gender-flip, and what to do about the Canterlot Wedding...)
Great job! As an unofficial spokesperson for the Unexpected Love life of Dusk Shine group, I approve this wonderful raunchy display!
This was fine for a simple clop, but the ending was lackluster.
I would have liked see more details and emotions from the characters. Thumbs up but no fav.
andrewpegodadotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/the-oxford-comma_52c855ed979ed_w1500.jpg
Ooooooooooooooooh lordy loo~ What a delicious story with these two, funny and sexy~
Hahah., nicely done man! Nicely done!
I LOVE GLEAMING SHIELD!
...
I SAID IT, DON'T REGRET IT!
>consensual rape
Nailed it my friend.
7417760 Dude, I KNOW, I read that part. Listen, I undertand.
And Clopularity? Well, it's not really one particular scene but more or less my own opinion on why clopfics don't tend to work.
I find them as a way of gaining popularity for the most part, but is occasionally done right. I don't mean to bash you, I just really can't get into stories that don't really have a story.
If this was all just a roleplay, then I still am a bit mad at how it never really explained this in the story and worked on it, Even in a roleplay, these two seem too out of character, like something Dusk wouldn't do, but that's my opinion.
The one reason I don't like posting my opinions is that people don't seem to understand it is a subjective opinion. I never was saying you are a bad writer, in fact, I think you likely make good stories on your main account, I just never find a popular clopfic that does much else besides detailed sex.
7417770 I would to be honest, if I am to read a story on a story made website, I expect, well, a thought out story. A clop fic should not only have the first part of the word, but the second part as well, fiction. Meaning, a narrative that is somewhat thought out. Again, no shots trying to fire at the creator, I'm just giving my opinion.
7417787 I think I would've liked a story before this explaining how they got to this point of an incestuous relationship. Now, if you had made that, or make it now, I think this story would've been much better. :D
That would've shown the build up and fix a lot of the problems I had with the story.
But, you do you. I'm not going to force you to do something, just giving you what I think would be a good idea.
7418980
People probably don't understand your posts to merely be what you consider an your opinion because the way you write your personal critiques make it look like you're saying them as if they were fact, and then say the story is poor (or even worse, not a story at all, which is often incredibly insulting to a writer) because of that.
In your first post, written in a way that makes it sound like you're trying to pass them as fact, you say that a lack of build up is a problem (many would consider it not to be in a story like this), you say that it's not a story (when it is, in every definiton of the word), and you say that all narratives must have a well developed story (they don't).
I understand you didn't mean anything untoward, but the way you wrote it made you look like you were trying to say that the story broke concrete rules that must always be followed, which makes you come off as haughty and self-important. Instead of saying things like "this is not a story", or that it breaking rules on what a story "should" be, just explain that you prefer fiction with more meat in their narratives (or whatever other aspects you would prefer to be different). If you make sure that people know that you know that you're only stating your opinion, it'll go a lot smoother.
As for them roleplaying, it wasn't explicitly mentioned, no, but you can figure it out by how they act at the end.
7417787 make it sometime before the wedding maybe after gleaming's bachelorette party or during it?
I don't know, I kind of liked it. It was just so 'Dusk' to phrase it like that. He just wouldn't say 'cock'.
7419323 Looking in a bit too deep there. I never said this wasn't a story, I said it didn't work very well as one. Maybe I didn't word it right, but that's what I meant. I said there isn't much of a story within it, but never said this isn't a story.
Also, a review is mostly subjective, an objective review takes a long time to make, and so that's why I just went with my opinion. If I say something, I don't feel the need to say this is my opinion if I don't say it's fact.
But eh, I'm done here, I've spent enough energy on this story as is, and I don't like getting into debates that will end up with both of us still disagreeing in the end.
7417787 Thank you for being a good sport, and I'll be sure to look at your future content!
I will never understand the fandom's absurd obsession with the word buck. Dusk says fuck once, so there's no reason to not have Gleaming say it too. Plus, considering it's not actually a swear word and already standing for an action with completely separate connotations, it's one of those words that breaks the mood. Immediate boner killer, and when you're trying to do the exact opposite, it's not a good thing to have.
Sure, they are ponies and ponies kick and buck with hooves. Yeah. We get it. It's phonetic rhyming, and it has absolutely no purpose for existing.
That was pretty good, and I Normally don't enjoy this kind of clopfic.
7416932
That is the first time I have ever heard Twilight described as a Girly Girl. Besides the fact that she is female and likes to wear dresses on occasion, theres nothing especially girly about her.
7417890
Huh.
I suddenly Fe the need to edit everything that I've ever written.
7419323
He really shouldn't have to preface his review with a 'Just My Opinion.' Of course it's his opinion, unless he's lying. Anyone not smart enough to figure that out seriously needs to look up what the word 'Opinion' means.
And OF COURSE he's stating his opinions as if they were facts: An opinion is something that one believes to be a fact.
The only reason why phrases like that exist is to assuage the oversensitive, insecure readers. And I see no reason why these people need to be placated. Any well adjusted person wouldn't even be bothered by him stating his opinion as if it were a fact.
Wether his opinions are correct or not is another matter entirely.
7421392 I wouldn't describe her as a complete girly girl, but it's clear she has her moments.
7421829
Idk, I guess im just not fond of the phrase. Which is weird, because I'm not what you would call a feminist.
7421915 It's fine, I believe you.
7421426
An opinion is a judgment about something, not something you believe to be a fact. For example, it's my opinion that Star Wars is better than Star Trek, but I would never consider that to be a fact, because opinions are subjective, and facts are objective. If someone is trying to portray their opinions as fact, that's exactly the type of behavior that makes them come across as self-important and arrogant to many people.
On the internet, where there's no visual or audial cues, you do need to make it clear that you were just expressing your opinion in some way, or else it's inevitable that people may read it differently, especially when there are many people that do treat their subjective judgments as objective fact. Phrases like "in my opinion" exist to facilitate accurate communication, not to assuage "overly-sensitive" people.
Also, when someone says things like "when it comes down to hard facts, this is not a story", they absolutely don't get to say that they were just saying their opinion.
Well... This was filled with incest.... The only thing I would not recommend is the two having a child. Due to the fact that their siblings, the child would be very likely to have problems. Other than that, my overall opinion will be told by Krieg the Psycho:
static.tumblr.com/ed3c92cd5a446373ebb14163dcb88fbb/ju1mulp/eq3nxeiyx/tumblr_static_dca91txxz2o8cc0wkw0kscsg8.gif
Krieg: "HNNNNNG-GUY TWILIGHT FED GIRL SHINING HIS MEEEEEEEAAAAT!!! Ah-Ha Ha! MAKE MORE!!! DO IT!!!"
Not what I had in mind... All out, this is pretty good. I actually clopped to incest. That means, ya done good, Pony Clopularity. Ya done good.
7420893
For the reason of L0L, I say this:
Who fuckin' cares if they bucking say both buck and fuck. It doesn't matter.
7427710
Me, and apparently you if you're so worked up about my comment.
7427772
Did you see not the first part of the comment? It states that I made for purposes of L0L! Take that comment like the Internet, my friend. Not seriously.
orig07.deviantart.net/e72f/f/2013/127/1/3/thor_and_mlp_meme_for_fimfic_by_ponpheonix-d64fsvg.jpg
incest is magic
7440645 cdn.meme.am/instances/66079553.jpg
This story was great. You should try making one with Rule 63 Applejack and Macintosh.
from his tutelage under Princess Celestia.
Shouldn't it be the male version of this?
7423939 It got a sequel anyways, I don't know if you saw that or not. I do intend to do more stories though with different set-ups and pairings, in any case.
7465945 Nope, it's Princess Celestia. Not a fully-flipped world. As you see in the sequel, most ponies aren't gender-flipped, just Dusk Shine, Gleaming Shield, the rest of the Mane 6 and Zephyr Breeze are mentioned as being opposite genders.
7419474 That was the point!
What was the second object?
7451723 That would be good! I would honestly want to read that!
7482299
The horn ring
7488262 Ah, ok.