Spike of All Trades

by Ariamaki

Chapter 72: Crunchy Creation

Spike had been half right earlier! Twilight did indeed get herself some Hayburgs while she was out. The thing he hadn't predicted was that she would come back home with a second order for him. Her entrance was presaged by the smell of sage, as well as fryer grease and sesame seeds and all sorts of other things. Even...

"You got me the burnt ones?"

"I got you the burnt ones!"

Twilight Sparkle slipped through the door levitating a few grease-spotty paper bags around her. One of them was open just wide enough to let a tiny mid-air space-train of horseshoe fries dance out of the bag and into her mouth. Another was held well away from the others, and that was the center of the wonderful char-black miasma Spike had just noticed.

Once they found out about his unique dietary interests, a few of the local restaurants started saving their really unsalvageable rejects. At some places that meant under-oiled entrees that had stuck to a pan so bad it required surgical intervention, but at Hayburgs? It meant that when they strained the fry oil after every shift, all the conglomerated bits of detritus got sent to the ‘Spike Sack’. Then when Twilight or Spike came by they'd tip a little extra, and the salespony would hoof over the goods.

"Half of me doesn't want to ruin my appetite for testing later, but the other half of me already has his claw wrist-deep in the bag."

"Trust me, my self-control was no closer to succeeding. This bag was a double-hayburg heavier before I got home!"

"And now you're a double-hayburg heavier, ey?"

He was fairly sure Twilight scrunched her muzzle behind the burger she was already unwrapping.
"Awful. I rescind my gratitude for your incredible assistance and willingness to put up with my foibles."

"Does that mean I get to rescind the assistance and willingness?"

"Nope!"
His (word!?) booped him on the snout and they both broke down laughing.

Their meal went by fast (even considering that he had a normal combo on top of his collection of carbonized crispity-crunchities) before Twilight had to head back into town: Her work was far from done and the break to eat had been just that, a break.

"Be safe out there! And if I'm right I'll have a real doozy ready for when you get back tonight, so don't fill up. Again."

"Roger that Spike!"

Fueling up on all of that fast food had given Spike a bit of an idea, and he could get a hint of that same burgeoning pressure-pain sensation from the other day. It felt like the minutes before he'd acquired the Dragon's Den, and if that was any example to go by? It meant he was right on the cusp of the Creative Kitchen.

"...Nopony will mind if I close a little early. Oh! Wait, no, duh, Twilight has a sign for this."

He walked over to the drawer with all of the front door signage, cleanly stacked with little tabs of hard paper in-between to make it easier to lift them out. OPEN was already in use, and they had a spare since it was a critical binary: Same was true for CLOSED, HOLIDAY HOURS and SAVING THE WORLD. He was looking for... There we go!

A quick trip out to the front door to switch it for the current sign and he was ready to get to cooking.

ATTENDANT OCCUPIED: PLEASE COME TO THE BACK WINDOW FOR SERVICE.

That was his favorite sign: It might as well say they were closed but it technically didn't. Nopony bothered with the inconvenience for pickups, and they had a drop-off slot for returns. It was only rare school emergencies or vehement arguments that would ever be big enough to draw a pony all the way around the bulk of the tree to visit the back window.

It would be good if nopony showed up, since he was going to be working with poison! Well not like literal poison, but food that was fairly toxic if prepared incorrectly. He'd heard rumors that griffons and even the rare pegasus would delicately remove the deadly glands of pufferfish to get at their prized meat, but in pony culture the food Spike had in his claws right now was nearly as fatal and far more common.

He had a sizable quantity of the dread potato, harvested from the edges of the Everfree. Apparently some species could tolerate them despite the whole 'nightshade cousin' thing, but ponies of any of the three races? Not a chance. But Spike could eat them and rather liked them: They had a weird sort of fluffy-creamy thing going on that seemed to go perfectly with fresh butter. He'd ordered these in from a bovine grocer, since their freaky stomach arrangement allowed them to handle potatoes more easily than hay.

Not that Spike had any plan of baby-birding this stuff, no no. Twilight banned them both from using the lab's digester in the kitchen after her last experiment with 'energy drinks' went awry, anyways. He had a much simpler and much Spikier plan: See what the Dragon's Kitchen could do about it.

Previously he'd gotten an alert that his Tiger's Eye Stir Fry wasn't going to give its full benefits, and ever since he'd been brainstorming what to do. The failed dish had still managed to give Vitality a boost, which was both the only raw-stat bonus he'd seen yet and an interesting sign of potential. Now he had the perfect test subjects: A half-bag each of solid baking potatoes, and smaller yellows that the shop owner said could be used 'any which way'. But the most appealing? An entire bag of positively tiny spherical gold potatoes, almost gem-like on their own.

Spike's recipe plan was extremely simple, all things considered. Toss them in butter and oil, hit it all with salt, pepper and maybe some herbs, finish with the powdered gems left over from last time and then roast them. If he was right about what the Creative Kitchen meant? This was a sure-fire way to find out, and it'd leave him with plenty of time afterwards to handle their real dinner.

Optimally, the Creative Kitchen would expand his potential and allow him to render these weird little roots safe for his pony friends. If not... Well, it was always nice to have an indulgent little snack to himself from time to time.

The entire time he'd been thinking all of this, of course? His hands and body had been running more-or-less on autopilot, and the spuds were already in the oven. So now it was just a waiting game, and a tentative planning game, and... Well, everything was a game to him now, right? So it was the game of life as he watched the clock tick down.

- - Forty Minutes Later - -

Ding!
Ding!

...Spike couldn't help but smile, because the oven timer had not just gone off twice. One of those was the clock, but the other sound represented the real fruits (vegetables, technically) of his labor.

A skill has been mastered through persistent effort! By pushing the boundaries of what society considers palatable and seeking to expand the culinary world, you have set foot in the [Creative Kitchen]!

[Creative Kitchen] (Subskill) Lv Max EXP: 0.00% MP: ALL+
It is the domain of the creative, the scholarly, and the exceptional to move the limits further away from their fellows. Those who find this power are all three in one way or another, destined to make a mark in the world... If by no other means then feeding those in need of growth. Is that not what we all seek to achieve, in the end?

Your Dragon's Kitchen has expanded to include a new class of recipes, the Creative Kitchen.
Creative Kitchen recipes require Internal Alchemy, or alternately cost entire bars of mana.
Creative Kitchen recipes can directly improve the core Attributes and enhance their growth.
Your studies of Dragon's Kitchen can now create different recipes that provide identical buffs.
All Dragon's Kitchen recipes can now make any physically-edible food digestible and harmless*.

*- Intoxication, gastric issues, pain, spiciness, bitter and sour flavors et al do not count as harm.

And then aside from the actual skill box was another notice, a subsection of sorts:

The iconic gems of the Creative Kitchen are as follows...
Strength, which shines like Diamond
Dexterity, of the dazzling Topaz
Vitality, from the vigorous Tiger's Eye
Intelligence, in an innocuous Amethyst
Wisdom, like wood's wild-worn Amber
Luck, to find luxurious Gold

...Got there.

Spike took a bite of his newest creation and just sat there for a moment, appreciating the way the thin crispy skin split and the creamy interior spilled across his tongue. It was perfect, and it would be the perfect fuel to help him in figuring out... At least five more recipes by the weekend, although to be honest he was aiming to lap that. While he focused on more ideas he took another bite from the dish and couldn't help but smile. Wait until Twilight got a load of this!

Tiger's Eye Roasted Potatoes: Modestly increases Vitality, 4 hours

- - - -

It was only when Twilight was already home and halfway through her own dish of potatoes (she had taken an immediate liking to them, no surprise given her taste in burgers and hayfries) that Spike realized maybe he was planning to go a little overboard.

"...Uh, listening to myself now I kinda wonder if that's a bit much? Like, the whole point of me telling everypony about the Gamer in advance was so I didn't upstage your reveal."

"Spike, that's... Quite mature of you, to think of it in that way. But don't worry! I promise it will work out even if you want to make two dozen dishes: If anything I'll appreciate the chance to get ponies distracted from the magnitude of the secret I've been keeping."

"Hahaha! Yeah, I can only imagine how stunned Rarity is going to be when she realizes that you managed to get together with royalty before her."

Twilight giggled and went to take another bite.
"Well maybe it runs in the family!"

There was a silent pause, thick like lead, before Twilight gently set her fork down.
"There's no way it actually runs in the family, right? I'm not somehow genetically predestined to have an attraction to mares in positions of power, or a thing for horns-with-wings, or-"

Spike stood up and booped her with one claw over her nose, causing Twilight to scrunch her face.
"Even if that is a factor it wouldn't change how you feel emotionally, right? Also I'm pretty sure I remember Cadance saying she made the first move with Shining Armor, so..."

"Right. Yes, of course, that... that makes sense."

"Freakouts about biologically-encoded leanings aside, we're still on track for the weekend?"

"Yes! Absolutely yes. I checked in with Pinkie Pie while I was out today, and her portion of the prep is going perfectly. And it's pretty clear from these that you're similarly on track!"

Good, good. Good. He'd still be able to look forward to everypony's reactions without having to worry about upstaging Twilight or turning it into being about him. Then again, maybe he was just so unused to getting attention at all that he was overreacting? Eugch, that... Well, he still had a long way to go on the road to being a better dragon. And another cobble on that path was waiting once he went to 'bed'... After he dialed in a few more recipes!

Comments

[Herald of Opera]

Of course the Treebrary would have an "gone worldsaving" sign in the manner of the "gone fishing" signs that I'm pretty sure don't exist outside fiction.

[xbox432]

I didn't know equines couldn't eat potatoes... You learn something new every day I guess?

Also, I'm liking the introspection Spike is doing, Twilight is right in that he seems to be acting very mature about everything.

[DrAnvil]

10530259
Potatoes are a bit of an edge case even for humans if I remember correctly.

[Booster Spice]

For SMASH get Mash.

You have a Dragons Talons, me lad.

Thank You Baked Potato

Potatoes. Boil Em, Mash Em, Stick Em In A Stew.

Oh good greif. No wonder Spike got an Unlock. If the toxin restriction is the main thing, then he next can unlock Tomatos, fried, sliced, pureeed, ketchup, soup. Ketchup on chips, then crisps in all the flavourings and garnishings?

Who is going to run The Spud Shack though? I mean I can see Spike doing a dilated temporal grind side, where he spends hours at night running up whole premade base selectionss and options, then stacks them in inventory stasis, then sets up a Food Stand, with apropiate licenses and payments? then gets grind in services to the public etc taking orders, building or selecting from premade then pulling them from the running fryer area beneath the counter to offer to patrons?

Spike can now discover The Chip Shop? Not a Hayburger, because theres no Hay? They cant do Chili or Curry Sauce, or Mushy Peas and Gravy? or Pie an Peas? Do they do Roast Sweet Carrot/Parsnip inna Bun? cant have ketchup without tomatoes? brown sauce is pickled veg?

Chip butties, chip buns, chip barncakes. Theres enough Spud U Like to make Mark Watney to head screaming for the hills. Closely followed by Rincewind?

But, Gold for Luck? Oh boy, Head to BonBon for Ferrerro Richers?

Intelligence from Amethyst? Oh boy. So many Geodes. Especially ones that look like Potatoes?

So now Spike has unlocked the capability to Directly grind his Base, Core stats, but that means he can also work on classifying various sources of gems etc into different increases, and even keeping an eye on negators or nullers, that when added to a meal block any or even all certain types of advancement, as in keeping an eye on those who would care to work against him for whatever reasons?

Bulding the array and network of interacting effects from base effect materials, and skill and subskills materials, to try and get hints from books of plants, animals, minerals etc from various places around the world, to plan trips and routes to gain materials for mixtures more effectively?

[Cervidaevian]

10530384
It's kinda funny how many fruit and vegetables are actually nightshade. Off the top of my head, in addition to potatoes there are tomatoes, tomatillo, eggplants, huckleberries, and peppers, and I know there's more that I can't remember.

[Black--Soul]

Magnificent chapter That one master of the kitchen.

I wonder when Spike start his benediction training? Hes on a limited time table and Celestia,Luna,Cadance are bussy rulers...

Interessting chekov guns hidden in plain view.
This might become quite useful/funny/inconvinient.

Spike can do his stuff in the Castle... Why is he still in Ponyville? Strange

[Mister Morden]

*- Intoxication, gastric issues, pain, spiciness, bitter and sour flavors et al do not count as harm.

Ha! This amused me. "It won't kill you, but you would be surprised by what you can live through."

[Starblade]

10530259
I know, right?!!!
This explains why they eat hayfries instead of french (or in their case, prench) fries. It makes so much more sense now.

[dzamie]

Ah, the fabled Potato. Spike should keep an eye on them; I hear they're quite excellent at removing a curse a certain kind of dragon can set on someone.

[Black--Soul]

10531403
Make it two. Better save than sorry

[HB_DS2013]

I’ve got a new recipeh!

[Cheshirek4t]

10531184
I suppose it's true
Thanks dude :P

[Hilltopper2]

10530476
Funny enough, Ketchup doesn't *need* tomatoes:
Banana Ketchup
Mushroom Ketchup

And I seem to recall a restaurant in San Francisco had Chocolate as an ingredient in every dish, and their signature condiment was a chocolate ketchup.

[Booster Spice]

10532527

I think this is one of those cases where the material becomes the name, like hoovering up with a Dyson vaccuum cleaner. Dyson really hates that.

Sorry for the unstable? reply, nothing happens for months then a whole bunch of reapir appointments trigger and the phone breaks. Think I just got exited after seeing pretty much nothing but rich persons eating establishments as in canon, finally Spike has the chance to make food stuff the other three quarters get, and a portion of them, as a luxury.

[Geminii]

10530245
It does feel a little Pratchettian, doesn't it?

[Geminii]

It's very like Twilight to suddenly realize the romantic parallels between herself and Shining, and immediately start to worry about it.

Also, it's entirely possible that just about all ponies have that particular predilection; it's just that there's generally been something of a lack of available (and interested) alicorns. It's not like Twilight would have necessarily twigged to a sudden increase of suitors (those who got past Spike, anyway) post-ascension. Particularly if she was used to casually fending off social-ladder-climbing faux-romantic approaches from her years as Celestia's personal student in Canterlot.

[Star Sage]

Well now, that's a hell of a thing to toss into a Gamer Fic, the ability to directly raise stats like that using buffs. Not to say they don't have it in others, but they tend to be rare materials. And the promise that they make raising stats easier outside of point spend makes that even more so. Now I'm very curious about the future of this one. Looking forward to seeing where it's going.

[Herald of Opera]

10530476
10532527
The original Chinese "ke-tsiap" was made with pickled fish. The things you learn playing Kingdom of Loathing...

[Ariamaki]

10536396
Not to mention its fish-saucey cousin, the Roman 'garum', another ketchup predecessor with fermented fish roots.

Now if only my Sauceror could dunk Yog-gurt in that stuff then maybe the Sea wouldn't be quite as much of a pain. :V

[Detsella Morningdew]

10530541
Unfortunately, for a long time, I had to keep a VERY close track, because my digestive system was quite messed up for some time, and even something as mild as potatoes was too much for it.

(Now I'm mostly better, which is a huge relief. Potatoes are the best. Still can't handle tomatoes for some reason, though, which stinks.)

[TheraseVoidCaller]

10530259
Potatoes contain a neurotoxin known as Solanine.

[Black--Soul]

Spike can serve his Celestia part in the Royal Kitchen and than deliver his food to the Slums about any Canterlot version i care to remember had...

[Zubric]

On a random sidenote, horses also can’t eat tomatoes yet received the MLP ponies eating them all the time lol