Nock One Up

by Pony with a Pen

The RSI

“Move your fat plot out of the way already; I want a peek too,” Luna whispered.

“Older sister privilege,” Celestia replied.

“Oh, come on! You’ve stared long enough. It’s my turn now.”

“Shush, he’ll hear us. Besides, if you’re so impatient, then go get your own bush,” whispered Celestia.

“But I was the one who found this bush!” Luna said.

“Luna, why can’t you—”

“Your Highnesses, may I be of… assistance?”

Slowly, Celestia and Luna turned around.

“Perhaps I could suggest a more suitable bush for your, uh… needs,” said the dirt-covered pegasus mare. “Wha-whatever they are.”

With her torso half-buried in the bush, Celestia replied, “Thank you, my little pony, but this bush is perfect for our…”

The Sisters quickly shared a glance before Luna continued, “Royal Shrub Inspection.”

“Yes,” Celestia agreed. “Princess Luna and I are nearly done with our yearly Royal Shrub Inspection, or RSI for short. It’s going very well.”

“Very well,” Luna repeated.

“You are one of the castle gardeners, correct?” Celestia asked.

“Uh, yes, Your Highness,” the gardener replied uncertainly.

“Well then, you should be very proud. This is by far the best RSI we’ve ever done. Keep up the good work!”

“Th-thank you, Princess, I’ll make sure to tell the others. But I don’t remember—”

“Please,” Celestia interrupted. “Don’t let us distract you from your duties; we’ll be finished soon.”

“Oh… O-okay, Princess,” said the mare as she bowed and awkwardly trotted away.

When she had traveled out of earshot, the Sisters sighed and returned to their voyeurism. The castle gardens lay sprawled out before them on this warm spring afternoon, but they took no interest in them today. Budding trees and blooming flowers only obscured their view. Beyond all the vegetation, the Royal Guard’s most eligible bachelor patrolled the area, and from their hiding place, Celestia and Luna could see his entire patrol route.

As they resettled into their positions, Celestia reluctantly ceded the bush’s prime vantage point to Luna.

“Finally,” Luna said as Celestia rolled her eyes. “Wait, where is he?”

“He must be there, Luna. Keep looking.” Celestia answered as she rested her head on a hoof. Despite being on the moon for one thousand years, Celestia still thought Luna could learn more about patience. Granted, after seeing this stallion for herself, Celestia could understand her Sister’s eagerness.

His features were fairly plain—pale blue coat, two-tone brown mane and tail, and yellow eyes—but, dear gods, his physical condition. Toned muscles, healthy fur, piercing gaze, neatly preened wings—Celestia blushed at the thought of him.

“Nope,” Luna reaffirmed. “Definitely not there. Is he on a bathroom break?”

“Unlikely,” Celestia replied. “They’re trained to go for hours without breaks. If there isn’t another guard to cover for them, they won’t leave their position. I once saw a stallion pee in a flower vase just so that he wouldn’t have to leave his post unguarded.”

“Then where is he?” Luna asked anxiously. “Also, that’s disgusting.”

“Luna, one of the gardeners probably just needed his help lifting something heavy,” Celestia said as she plucked a patch of grass, gently tossed it upwards, and watched it float back down to the ground. “The changing of the guard isn’t for another three hours; he’ll be back.”

Princess Luna’s searching gaze scoured every bit of movement and shadow in the garden to no avail. Small critters danced between trees and darted between flower bushes, but it seemed that not a single pony roamed the garden.

After a few minutes spent without seeing a single pony, let alone the one she actually wanted to see, restlessness overcame Luna. She had resigned herself to waiting for him, but her wings itched and limbs begged to be moved. Luna fidgeted and squirmed—accidentally pushing and prodding her Sister. Each time, Celestia gave an annoyed glance in response, but all of them went unnoticed.

“Oooh, I can’t take this anymore,” Luna whined.

“Neither can I,” Celestia said irritably as she stood up. “Sister, you are exhibiting the patience of a filly, and despite the many rumors, I am neither a mother nor a babysitter. If you can’t wait like a grown mare, then I see no reason to remain here. I’ll be in the castle if you need me.”

“Would you like me to escort you back to the palace, Your Highness?”

Once again, the Princesses slowly turned their heads towards the unexpected, unfamiliar voice, but they didn’t dare speak.

“After untangling a squirrel from one of the gardeners’ manes, Rosewing came by to inform me that you were in the middle of your RSI and that I should assist you in any way possible,” said the guard.

The guard. Him.

“Uhyeswewhereumwhatyouhow,” Celestia and Luna furiously stammered over each other, desperately trying to keep their eyes from bulging out in surprise.

Unfazed, the guard continued staring ahead stoically. “Forgive me, your Highnesses, but I can’t understand either of you if you speak simultaneously.”

The Sisters hurriedly glanced at each other, then to the stallion, and then back to each other.

Flaring her wings, Celestia displayed her impressive wingspan—a trait pegasi found very seductive if she recalled—and obscured Luna from his view. “Would you please escort me back to the castle hall? Luna will remain here while she finishes her report for the Royal Shrub Inspection.”

“Wait, I will also mphm—”

Celestia forcefully covered her Sister’s face with a wing, successfully muffling her cries of objection and pushing her back into the bush.

“Of course, Princess Celestia,” the guard replied. “Please, right this way.”

Feeling quite smug, Celestia gracefully strode towards the castle with a smirk on her face as she looked back to see Luna utterly dumbfounded by what had just transpired. While she was still splayed out in a bush, Celestia was walking off with a hot stallion.

Turning back to her escort, Celestia considered what to do next. She already knew his name—why, she already knew his entire record—but reciting everything from his file back to him and then inviting him into bed was hardly a way to introduce herself.

“My little pony, tell me, what is your name?” Celestia asked.

“Private Long Arrow, Your Highness.”

“And when did you graduate from the academy, Private Long Arrow?”

“About two months ago.”

“Then, you were stationed at the castle?”

“By the recommendation of my superiors, yes.”

Weaving through the lush foliage, Celestia led the way to the castle with practiced ease. Long Arrow trotted confidently but calmly alongside her, easily matching her pace. For a stallion of his age, he seemed unusually collected, considering the situation. Celestia supposed it came with his training, but she didn’t recall the other guards displaying such composure around her. Most were either terrified that they would make a mistake, or so sure of themselves that they did end up making a mistake.

“They must have been very pleased with you,” Celestia said as they walked up the castle steps. They were never pleased with graduates. Never. How he had so impressed his senior officers was beyond her—that is, unless they were all attracted to stallions. “Most guards serve for years before they are offered a—”

“Private!?” screamed a gruff voice, startling Celestia.

“Sir!” Long Arrow yelled in response as he snapped to attention.

“Private! Who authorized you to leave your post?” demanded a gray unicorn wearing a general’s outfit. “Why have you left your station unguarded?”

“Rosewing informed me that the Princesses were in the middle of their RSI and recommended that I assist them, Sir!” Arrow replied, stone-faced. “Private Cloudy Seas is currently guarding my sector. He prefers a stationary position in the fountain. Claims that it heightens his senses, something about being the great-grandson of a seapony, Sir.”

“I see.” The general stared him down, thoroughly scrutinizing every last detail of the private. He neared Arrow’s face, blowing hot breaths from his nose onto the stallion, and watched for any indications of fear or anxiety. Craning his neck to the side, he examined Long Arrow’s armor, looking for any scuff marks or tarnishing. Afterward, he circled around the private, intensely glaring at him the entire time. Seemingly satisfied, the unicorn stepped back and nodded. “I’ll escort Princess Celestia from here, Private. Dismissed.”

Just as stoically as before, Long Arrow saluted the general and marched back into the garden. Without looking back, he continued into the distance, eventually disappearing behind a tree on the way to his patrol route.

Sighing, Celestia allowed her shoulders to slouch ever so slightly. “Playing Royal Guard, Luna? Are you aware that impersonating a guard is a criminal offense?”

“As is assaulting a Princess of Equestria, Sister,” Luna replied in her own voice.

“A gentle nudge is not assault, Lulu,” Celestia retorted dismissively.

Allowing her illusion spell to fade away, Luna flashed an unamused look at Celestia and rolled her eyes. Ignoring her Sister’s irritation completely, Celestia turned back to face the castle and began strolling towards its entrance, with Luna joining her shortly after. They passed beyond the large double doors leading into the castle and meandered through its hallways.

“Well, what did you think of him?” Luna asked as they wandered an empty corridor.

“He seems nice,” Celestia replied.

“Celly, we’re not looking for nice,” Luna said.

“Just because we’re more interested in his plot than his personality doesn’t mean he can’t have both, Lulu,” Celestia jokingly scolded. “He’s allowed to be a nice stallion.”

“Fine. He can be a nice stallion, as long as he’s nasty in bed,” Luna said playfully.

Shaking her head back and forth slowly, Celestia replied, “You’re incorrigible,” as the pair neared a tall staircase.

Luna halfheartedly tried to hide a smirk from Celestia as they began trotting up the stairs, but Celestia could see the corners of her mouth curling upwards. Together, they ascended the stairs in silence until they reached the top of one of the castle’s larger spires. Once there, they were greeted by sunshine pouring in from the balcony doors and warm, stuffy air.

Throwing up the doors, Luna stepped onto the balcony and took a breath of the fresh air while Celestia quietly surveyed the room.

A table stood low to the floor in the center of the room, haphazardly surrounded by dozens of pillows. Everything was disheveled, disorganized, and covered in a layer of pillow feathers and candy bar wrappers; the only semblance of order in the room was a pyramid of empty ice cream cartons left on the table.

Celestia couldn’t remember when she and Luna had been up here last, but clearly, they must have had a good time. She cantered over to a large dresser sitting against the opposite wall and inspected the runes carved on its drawers.

Out on the balcony, Luna peered through a telescope. Originally, she had set it up with the intention of stargazing, but as she had recently found out, it had better uses. Like staring at hot stallions. From here, she could once again see Long Arrow faithfully patrolling the garden and working those sexy flanks. Those, sexy, sexy fla—

Luna jolted from a sudden icy touch on her shoulder. With two cold glasses gripped in her magic and an expectant look on her face, Celestia motioned for her to take a drink.

“Isn’t it a bit early for alcohol?” Luna said with a devious grin as she accepted the drink.

“As if that’s ever stopped you before,” Celestia replied teasingly. “Regardless, celebration is in order. We’ve officially made first contact.”

“You made first contact,” Luna deadpanned. “I sat in a bush.”

“Details, details. Besides, you got a good, close look at him while you were parading around in that Royal Guard disguise.” Celestia leaned towards Luna to cast her a dirty look. “A little too close if you ask me.”

“Jealous, Celly?” Luna snickered.

Celestia returned her head and neck to their upright position. “Oh, never,” she said, putting on her best pompous Canterlot noble impression. “After all, he did ever so politely escort me back to the castle, and we spoke of many things together along the way.”

“Like how you memorized his Royal Guard file?” Luna quipped.

Celestia rolled her eyes and trotted back into the room with her drink. “I didn’t get that far,” she replied in her natural voice. “Unfortunately, somepony interrupted us.”

“Aw, what a shame,” Luna said sarcastically. Setting her drink down on the balcony’s railing, she peered through the telescope once more.

Inside the room, Celestia took another long look at the mess surrounding her. The room—disaster zone, really—didn’t have a square foot of clean floor space, and upon further inspection, she noticed stains covering the ceiling and walls. It simply wouldn’t do. With a bit of magic, Celestia faded the garbage from existence, along with the stains speckling the walls and ceiling, and rearranged the pillows into an orderly circle around the table.

Celestia considered it a cruel trick of the universe that proper cleaning spells were so hard for most unicorns to cast. If the maids ever found out that they could be replaced by one spell from Celestia, they’d almost certainly live in constant fear of losing their jobs. Staffing the castle with maids kept ponies employed and happy and ensured that the palace was always welcoming.

“Hmm, just what kind of pony are you, Long Arrow?” Luna mused from the balcony. “Celly, what do you think? Strict authoritarian, or aloof loner?”

“I don’t know,” said Celestia as she flopped down onto a pillow contentedly. “He seems more like that ‘stallion next door’ type to me. I… I kind of like it,” Celestia giggled.

“Oh, you mean like the ones from Playmares?” Luna said with an excited grin.

“No!” Celestia shot Luna a glare. “No, like an honest, sweet, all-around good pony.”

“Mhmm.”

Celestia looked outside to see Luna lightly drooling on the balcony. “Stop thinking about the centerfolds in Playmares, Luna.” After rolling onto her side and sighing, she continued, “Do you have to make this awkward?”

“I don’t see what’s awkward about it,” Luna replied while using a hoof to wipe away some saliva hanging from her mouth. “We’re just peeping on one of our guards while planning to seduce him and fantasizing about what it’s going to be like to have… sex… with…” Luna paused to look at Celestia, whose head was lying sideways on the floor with the blankest expression Luna had ever seen. “…This is really creepy, isn’t it?”

Celestia nodded.

---

“Rules?”

“Yes, Luna, rules,” Celestia replied.

The Two Sisters sat comfortably on pillows beside each other. At the table in front of them, an inkwell, a quill pen, and a blank scroll rested.

“What happened to ‘all’s fair in love and war’?” Luna asked sarcastically.

“What happened is worker strikes and restraining orders,” Celestia answered coolly. “You know how quickly things can get out of hand when we get too competitive. Do you remember our last prank war? The entire kitchen staff went on strike for a week after we accidentally spiked one of their meals.”

“How were we supposed to know that they were also serving those delegates from Saddle Arabia? So they had a little stomachache, they were fine. Eventually.”

“They had diarrhea for a week, Lulu.” Celestia retorted.

“It was a joke!” Luna said defensively as she threw up her hooves. “No one was hurt, we all had a laugh—”

“Two ponies spent seven days hidden in their bathrooms,” Celestia interrupted. “Every member of the kitchen staff threatened to quit, and most pharmacies in Canterlot still have us on their blacklist. We’re setting ground rules.”

Defeated, Luna reluctantly nodded her head. “Okay, fine.”

Picking up the quill in her magic, Princess Celestia dipped the pen in ink and began writing on the scroll as Luna trotted out to the balcony to retrieve her drink. The premise of their wager was simple: first one to seduce and have sex with Long Arrow wins. However, they had to set proper boundaries, lest the tabloids be filled with stories of their wild shenanigans for the next five years.

“First rule,” Celestia said, “Long Arrow must never find out about this wager. Ever. Even if he finds out indirectly, whichever one of is to blame immediately forfeits.”

“Makes sense,” Luna said as she took a sip of her drink.

“Second rule, love magic and illegal, inhibition-altering substances are off limits.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. How do you plan to win the bet now?” Luna quipped.

Ignoring her, Celestia continued, “Third rule: Long Arrow must be aware or our true nature before, during, and after sex.” She expected Luna to make a remark about how it’s not as kinky that way, but thankfully, her Sister held her tongue. “And finally, nopony is to be intentionally harmed in any way.”

A few minutes after writing the last rule, Celestia set the pen down and looked over the scroll for any potential loopholes; centuries of bureaucracy and overly opportunistic ponies had trained her to abhor loopholes.

“What about mild, accidental injuries?” Luna asked innocently, or at least, what most ponies would perceive as innocently. Celestia knew better.

“Luna, could you just—” she sighed. “At least try to avoid it, Luna.”

“Accidents happen, Celly,” Luna said with a devious grin. “Accidents happen.”

Celestia rolled up the scroll and quill in her magic and trotted out to the balcony to glare at Luna. “Yes, and with an alarming frequency when you’re around,” she said before unrolling the paper and shoving it in Luna’s face. “Now sign.”

With only two inches between the paper and her muzzle, reading it wasn’t the easiest task for Luna, but from what she could see, Celestia had put an inordinate amount of effort into this document. Their wager was a straightforward one, and the brief summary of winning conditions and the short list of rules reflected that. She didn’t see much room for “alternative interpretations” or “unintentional misunderstandings.”

Near the bottom, beside Celestia’s signature, a blank line waited to be signed. However, just above the signature line, Luna noticed something interesting. “What’s this about the loser forfeiting their dessert to the winner for a month?” Luna asked, pointing a hoof at the previously unmentioned ante.

Celestia looked straight into her eyes with a small—definitely evil—smile. “Just thought I’d up the stakes a little. That isn’t a problem, is it, Lulu?”

“Not at all,” Luna said, nonchalantly taking the pen from Celestia’s magical grasp and scribbling her own name onto the scroll. “I’m glad to see you’re taking an interest in dieting.”

As Luna returned the pen to her, Celestia flashed a smirk to her cocksure Sister. “Well, it seems we have a bet then, Moonbutt.”

“It would seem so, Sunbutt,” Luna replied stoically before cracking a smile of her own. “This will be fun.”

“Yes, I suppose it will be,” Celestia giggled as a blush formed on her cheeks. “I just hope there won’t be any hard feelings once this is over.”

Both of the Princesses’ grins broke into excited smiles as they locked eyes and stared each other down.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry. You’ve never been the jealous type, Celly,” Luna teased.

“Flatterer,” Celestia replied sarcastically. “But I was referring to Long Arrow. Hopefully, he won’t be disappointed when he finds out that the Princess of the Night isn’t also the Princess of the Bedroom.”

Luna chuckled before retorting, “I think he’ll take it well. Most stallions like it when mares spice things up by taking it outside the bedroom.”

Rolling her eyes, Celestia briefly considered the depths of Luna’s fetishism before realizing that she had no desire to know.

“Besides,” she continued, “I’ll make sure his mind is on… other things,” Luna finished seductively as she flicked her tail.

Celestia held her tongue, planting it firmly in cheek, and shook her head softly while smiling. Her Sister was incorrigible, but soon enough, Luna would be eating her words—not her dessert.

Comments

[Shachza]

They stand as paragons of virtue and purity for their little ponies, and they would never sacrifice that trust and respect for a meaningless tryst.

After all, doing that would result in a clear conflict of interest on the guard's part that would likely cost him his job in the worst way.

[Lemonymuffin]

"Seducing a royal guard—how could they possible do something so immoral and short-sighted?"
http://alexanderlozada.com/iasip/?IlByaW5jZXNzIENlbGVzdGlhoHNleGVzIHRoZSBndWFyZCI=

[Jet Cannon]

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