I believe if there's any kind of god, it wouldn't be any of us. Not you or me, but just, this little space in between.
A story about an semi-irritable earth pony named Azure, who's been told his whole life that he can't use magic. Instead, he tries his absolute best to prove them wrong. Join Azure as he fights against a world that seems to have it out for him.
The cover art is from the wonderfully talented Spirit Shift, here be his DA
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting, do warrants exist in this version of Equestria? because it seems like twilight is really abusing her authority.
7421339 Hah, the princesses are just used to ponies questioning their actions. I guess we'll see how it plays out next chapter, which will be released soon!
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/3tbs-1469284090-339022-full
This is the most horrifying thing I've seen in... at least week.
Not much to say about the story yet. The concept is interesting enough, though. I'm really always a bit annoyed at fantasy-flavoured settings that establish magical powers as an inborn trait. Something about the idea that some people are just born intrinsically superior rubs me the wrong way. A nice little "rage against the heavens" story like this is always enjoyable.
Seriously, though, don't do things like this:
That's just sloppy. Numbers smaller than a hundred are written out as words, not in digits. Also, try to keep narration separate from internal thoughts. "'Who is this mare,' I thought" flows a lot better than having personal commentary blend into the narration like that. It makes it easier for the readers to tell apart what is actually happening and what the main character is simply thinking to himself.
7423190 Thanks for the correction bud, I knew I missed at least one grammatical error in there. I also agree with your statement about personal dialog vs direct thought. I will do my best to avoid it in the future. I hope you continue reading and leaving constructive criticism for me to improve myself. I also plan on releasing the next chapter today with any luck so stay tuned!
The story seems interesting so far, it's a little early to tell though...
The cover art is horrifying though.
Gonna wait and see what becomes of this fic.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
18:7_7/25/2016
...Eight what? Minutes? Years? Sweet merciful Celestia, how long has it been!? Tell meee!
(Takes deep calming breaths)
Seriously, though, I'm liking your main character already. His magical methods remind me of the ones in my story. Best of luck to him!
7435691 Hah, I'm not sure how that part got cut out, maybe lag from when I saved it. It was eight hours ago (already fixed it), and I'm glad to see your enjoying the story bud.
Well, my jaw just hit the floor. Well played...
Squee! It's time for an adventure!
The relationship of the family is sweet and your main character's determination is admirable.
I'm also happy that you've now given me an idea of what the story end goal is. I was a little worried your main character was just going to meander around trying various things, but now I know what this story's about: finding the lost library.
Golden Quill struggling with the knobless door is funny. I like seeing racial relations explored in Equestria.
You might want to give this chapter another look, though; the spelling and grammar are off in some places.
Looking forward to more!
7447367 Ha, darn my tendency to love writing more than editing. I'll look to find the errors that somehow, both myself and my editors, always manage to miss. I'm always glad to see your comments, and I hope you keep reading buddy :)
Twilight is female in this story, right? The cover art is a picture of a male Twilight so I just assumed...
7458955 Heh, sorry if that confused you. I left a note in the first chapter notes, which said the current picture is just a place holder.
Seriously? Having an alicorn Princess under his tracks, and the idiot chooses visiting Canterlot of all cities, without at least bothering with a disguise?
7459078 Canterlot was his original destination, the fact that Twilight was pursuing him seemed like a problem to be sorted out later. And Azure cared little for subtly at this point, considering how aggressive he acted towards his pursuers.
Considering Azure left Canterlot before the birth of Twilight, how can he be acquaitance with Luna?
7459146 Ah, that is a good question, one that I can't answer without spoiling anything. I thank you for asking though, and you'll probably get your answer next chapter!
I assumed at first that she'd literally turned into a piñata. You can't take things like that for granted where magic is involved... although that line was hilarious.
...Should we know who Silver Quill or Iron Quill are? Are they related to Golden Quill from the last chapter?
I love how the guards refer to it 'this late after moonset'; really gives a feel for how they see things.
The fight scene left me a little confused... did the guards change into smoke? Or just send smoke towards him? I didn't know they could do that; a little warning might have been nice.
...Also, why do batponies have feathers on their wings?
Nitpicks aside, I'm glad to hear more about Azure's magic and I'm looking forward to learning more about his relationship with Luna. Keep it up!
7459354 *Facehoof* Thank you bud, that's what I get for writing in the wee hours of the morn. I fixed the issues you mentioned, giving myself grief about letting it happen in the first place. So yes, it was supposed to be Golden Quill, and I seemed to be remembering bat ponies from some fanfic, and not the cannon form. So I rewrote it to fit properly, and reworded the fight scene slightly. Bat-Pony magic really was never really explored in the show, so I like the idea of them having dark-type abilities.
7459436 Personally, I was wondering if you were one of the ones who subscribed to the "The Shadowbolts Rainbow Dash saw were real!" school of thought and were calling them batponies by accident, which would also have made sense.
By the by, were those schools of magic you mentioned based of Dungeons and Dragons?
7459450 Ah yes, I've been a DM for a while, and the way magic is defined in that universe just stuck with me. I love exploring different magical theories, whether it be in fan fiction or D&D.
7459467 Cool. My dad has some old Advanced Dungeons and Dragons guides that I read for fun sometimes, so I thought the words looked familiar.
7459467
I think the "earth ponies cannot do magic because they don't have horns" opinion holds the same weight as "humans cannot fly because they don't have wings".
Calling it now, he picks Celestia.
7486620 Place your bits now everypony!
7486671 No, think about it. He was wanting an audience with Celestia, to show what he knows and what he hopes to learn. By doing a duel with Celestia, even if he looses, he still gets Celestia's attention and curiosity, which will still be able to open the metaphorical door he wants opened, even if he loses.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
21:59_16/8/2016
7487095 A very logical conclusion, my dear Crystal. There is always more to the situation though, and while Azure is pretty smart, he probably didn't expect the princesses to be his choices. I gave a small hint about Azure and Celestia, but it will take another chapter or so, before I can flush it all out. Also I'm glad you stuck around, you were one of my earliest readers. :)
7487188 You'd be more likely to get rid of a contagious rash than me as far as fanfiction is concerned. Seriously, as long as you update it and don't kill off your main characters without any proper buildup, I'll keep reading.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
0:20_17/8/2016
7487453 Much love my friend, and for you, the source of inspiration for the first scene in the chapter! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zm91n76dfA
Twilight was right, Azure and Luna are adorable together.
Perhaps it's because Night Light is one of my favorite characters, but his confrontation with Azure really hurt. I mean in a good way. I mean in a bad way, but it was good because that's what you meant... ugh.
Magic sounds trippy. It's simultaneously super technical sounding and also really slippery to understand.
When'd Golden Quill get there? This is the only place he's mentioned in this scene.
Why do you need both Golden Quill and Iron Quill? I can't tell them apart, and sometimes it seems like you can't either.
7487822 Hah, perhaps I need to ease up on the cider, at least when I do my editing. I fixed the error, which was silly, seeing as I had referred to him correctly a sentence earlier. Thank you for your constant vigilance, Magic, I don't know what I would do without you. :)
But Twilight asked Iron Quill.
I wasn't kidding when I asked if you really need both Iron Quill and Golden Quill. Why wouldn't just Iron Quill work?
The fight scene was intense and now I don't like Celestia at all.
Azure's humiliation is adorable.
...And the frying pan was funny.
I wonder why Pinkie showed Zecora to him. I know you said she seemed to be picking pictures at random, but she clearly wasn't, since she showed off all the Mane 6.
I hope Rarity isn't expecting a good harvest from that experiment. She should stick to just sewing the gems onto dresses.
...That was needlessly snarky, but the imagery was funny.
7493352 Corrections made, Golden Quill locked back in his office, and Rarity dresses are now slightly less frivolous. Apart from that, if you really don't like Celestia after the fight, then you might have missed some subtle clues throughout the chapter. I wont go into it, since I wanted the reader to understand for themselves.
Also, I had Pinkie mention Zecora because the reference wouldn't have fit quite the same. Pinkie is random anyway, so it could have just been anypony she happened to see.
Anyways, Thanks for commenting my friend, and reminding me of my inferior editing skills :)
7493413 My guess is that you're going for that thing where the main character is humiliated (or similar), the reasonable authority figure is oppressing the main character for reasonable reasons, but I don't care because I'm in the main character's head and want him to get his way, darn it.
...Something like that. I mean I'm not going to be surprised when it turns out Celestia was right all along, but that doesn't stop me from hating her. I mean I guess I should just be hating the situation, but I'd rather blame Celestia. Because I don't want to blame the main character for any of this, because I want what he wants. Make sense?
7493459 Celestia's actions, and the reasoning behind said actions (which will probably come up later) are indeed important. However, whether she was right or wrong in her choices has little impact on their current mindsets. Azure was directing all of his frustration on to her (whether she deserved it or not), turning a magical duel into a negative outlet for his emotions. Celestia could probably see this, and understood that continuing the fight might be a bad idea.
But yes, everything you said makes sense from such a perspective, heheh.
I was right in my prediction. He chose Celestia for various reasons, and even though he arguably lost the duel, he still piqued her interest. I foresee some form of communication between him and Celestia.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
2:28_19/8/2016
7493474
I'm concerned about Celestia allows open bigots like the Quills in charge of Canterlot University, and free to crush non unicorns right to knowledge with impunity.
In Rites of Ascension, she imposes a maximum legal fine to anyone who openly displays racist behaviour, specially in her presence ( as Twilight 's mom discovered to her horror).
7505660 You said it yourself bud, the key words here are "open bigots," but thus far, neither Quill has displayed their racism in front of Celestia. They've been snobby and rude, but their worst comes out in private. The story will go more into detail soon, but I love that you keep making good points. Thanks for reading, and taking the time to comment :)
I'm a little confused; I thought it was Pinkie Pie who hit him with the frying pan. Or is this bit referring to something else? The last chapter ended with the promise of an explanation for how Pinkie Pie hit him with the frying pan, so I assumed that's what these sentences were referring to.
Missing a space
Upon what?
I love Azure so much. He's smart, he likes Pinkie, he's kind to his family...
This whole story is adorable, period, actually.
Ooh, Golden Quill does have a reason to be a separate entity from Iron Quill. Sorry I doubted you.
Twilight is kind of a jerk to invite him without telling Azure; she's pressing her authority as Princess of Friendship a little too much.
But Golden Quill intrigues me and I'm looking forward to seeing how his character develops. He didn't do much here except make signs that he's interested.
Aah, changelings! Where did that plot twist come from?
(It wasn't inspired by the latest episode, was it?)
7506610 Fixed the grammar errors, not surprised I missed them, as I did my editing in one go. As to your first question, Azure is holding an ice pack to his eye, because Night Light punched him the face. I just took a round about way of stating it. I love that you enjoy my story so much, I'm trilled that everything is unfolding as beautifully as it has, and I hope you stay to enjoy the ride. Also never stop commenting please, I'm always happy to read what you have to say. :)
7506627 Ah... well, by itself, I like your roundabout method of describing his encounter with Night Light. But the last sentence of the last chapter was "Tell me how you hit me with the frying pan," so when Rainbow Dash said "I can't believe you let a unicorn hit you," I assumed she was talking about the same event. Not sure how I'd fix it myself, though...
7506655 Eh, I'm sorry for the break in story fluidity, I do sometimes skip small conversations, to move the chapter along from a starting different point. You can assume that Pinkie's response to that question at the end of the chapter would have been "Just wait until we meet up with Rainbow Dash, I'm sure she'd love to help me tell you about it."
Why are they so mean to Golden Quill? He's scared for his life; show a little compassion at least.
This chapter was so much scarier than the rest of the story. I mean, before this it felt pretty Original Flavor esque. Is this indicative of what's to come?
Scorch mark?
Azure's game was really cool, and I liked his strategy. Queen Chrysalis' game was so cold...
...But I'm left a little confused. How did Azure know which pony to attack? ...And why did he have to vaporize him? He couldn't have used an illusion or something? ...Also, how do we know for sure that the Golden Quill left is the real Golden Quill? I mean, uh... Azure wouldn't have killed Golden Quill, would he?
This chapter left me a bit more shaken than the stuff that came before, but that's probably the only response, since you've moved away from the warm fuzzies. So, uh, sorry if I don't sound as enthusiastic as I normally do.
7530588 Hey Magic, yeah this chapter definitely started to use that dark tag on the story. Twilight had struck Golden again for the repeat purpose of trying to focus his grip on reality. Whether or not that was effective, who knows? The scorch mark was left from the flames Azure used, had to double check to see that I had written correctly there.
Now to your list of really good questions. Yes, Azure didn't really have a choice in removing one of the Golden Quills, if he violated Chrysalis's rules, things might have gone further south. No, he probably can't use illusion magic, or at least not yet. I can't answer whether he knew which one was which, but his magical senses may have allowed him to tell them apart. There is so much to this one scene that I can't explain to you, that I wish I could, but would ruin a lot of what's to come.
As always, I enjoy your comments, and I hope you continue reading, even if this chapter was darker than the others.
7574973 /)
7574976 i think you meant XD
7575040 nah, /) is the type symbol for a brohoof, which is received like this (\
7575049 oh. well then (\
OMG! Can't wait for the next chapter! <3