Ain't No Space Safer Than That
Principal Celestia stretched her arms and looked at her desk. It was the moments like this one, when she truly enjoyed what she had achieved in her life. There was nothing better than a brief moment of satisfaction from a job well done. There was, however, one minor problem.
“Farmville request,” Celestia muttered to herself. “Another one. Just because the students can add me, doesn’t mean they can send me requests without getting suspended.” She groaned and looked at the monitor. “Who even plays Farmville anymore? That’s so 2012…”
The door of Celestia’s office opened. “Hello, sister,” Luna said, waving a piece of paper. “I have a little question…”
“I have a question too,” Celestia replied, her eyes focused on the monitor. “Can we transfer a student to Crystal Prep for sending me a Farmville request? I’d like to see them trying that on Abacus.”
Luna sighed. “I’m afraid we can’t do that.” She put a piece of paper on Celestia’s desk. “Also, I got this petition from our students and I believe we should issue some statement on that.”
She was speaking loudly and clearly. Long years of working with her sister taught her that Celestia’s approach to managing school matters was simple. Things Celestia didn’t hear about, or didn’t bother to listen were considered unimportant by default. Unfortunately, this seemed to be the case.
“Definitely,” Celestia muttered, clicking something on her computer.
“No, I can’t do that without your permission or knowledge,” Luna said. “For starters, we’ll probably need some place for that. Not to mention consultations with the–”
Celestia turned away from the screen. “You really want me to read that, don’t you?”
Luna nodded. Celestia sighed and took the paper. Her eyes were shifting from one side of it to another, as she read it in silence, interrupted only by the sounds of incoming notifications coming from her computer.
Finally, Celestia put the petition back on her desk. “Okay,” she said. “So, a group of students wants to create something called ‘safe space’ in the school, right?” She turned back to the computer and typed something.
“Yes,” Luna replied. “Frankly, I’m not sure what could that be. I mean, space is usually not safe. You die there and no one can hear you scream.”
“Well, I actually know,” Celestia said.
“You just googled it, didn’t you?” Luna looked at her sister and sighed.
“I’m not sure why it’d be shameful.” Celestia pointed at her computer. “Scientia potestas est, and this little thing has as much scientia as you can get.”
“You googled it too,” Luna muttered. “You always check your Latin sentences in the internet.”
“No, we had Latin at school.” Celestia looked at the monitor again. “So, A Safe Space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of– Huh. That’s quite a lot of things.”
“What?” Luna raised her eyebrows. “I’m not sure how one’d feel uncomfortable in Canterlot High. It’s not Crystal Prep, where you can’t even touch the wall without police coming to check your fingerprints.”
“Well, I’m not surprised by that,” Celestia said. “They put a bunch of insane kids in a building with crystal walls. I’ve heard their last two janitors ended up in a nuthouse.”
“Insane kids?” Luna asked. “I always thought you were saying that kids are the future of the world.”
“They are, but I also say that future is scary, destructive, and uncertain,” Celestia replied. “Though I must admit that Crystal Prep students are more cultured than ours.”
“It’s the ties,” Luna said. “A student in a tie doesn’t make as much fuss.”
“Yeah.” Celestia looked at the petition. “So, we can say that our students are comfortable, right?”
“I asked a few of them if they feel comfortable,” Luna replied. “They generally are. Two guys and three girls asked if I was trying to seduce them.” She shuddered. “That’s when I felt uncomfortable.”
“Charming.” Celestia shook her head. “A propos: do you treat our students differently because of their sexual orientation? The internet mentions it.”
“I don’t even know what is their orientation!” Luna exclaimed. “It’s not like it’s written on their foreheads or something. Should I start asking?”
Celestia sat straight in her chair and imagined that. Then she imagined the consequences and smirked. “Better not,” she replied. “Unless you want more of them thinking that you want to seduce them.”
“No way.” Luna shuddered. “One of those guys was Snails. Anyway, I guess we can research deeper into the matter of comfort, but generally it’s not a problem. How about being unwelcome?”
“Not a problem either,” Celestia replied. “We welcome everyone. Even Abacus is still welcome in Canterlot High, though, I must admit, hardly tolerated. And we let both Twilight Sparkles in. Even though one was a pony from another dimension and the other–”
“Well, she could use a safe space, I think,” Luna said. “I thought Fluttershy was troubled, but she… I want to hug her anytime I see her.”
“Don’t.” Celestia looked into her sister’s eyes. “Her issues are a matter of an entirely different space. The personal one. Not to mention that I’d have to give you a very long vacation. Up to twenty years.”
“Okay,” Luna said. “So, she may not feel comfortable after all. Maybe even she and other students feel unwelcome. But how about safety?”
Celestia furrowed her eyebrows and sighed, resting her hand against her chin. “Just when I thought we’d get through this conversation without addressing the elephant in the room, you just had to go and, pardon my French, kick it in the nuts.”
“What?” Luna asked.
“Magic, students flying, students getting pony ears when they play musical instruments, a portal to another world in the pedestal, students turning into demons, tearing holes in the fabric of time, students being sirens, sirens being students, magical plants trying to eat the students, and the overall quality of meat in the cafeteria being the constant fight between budget constraints and the wrath of health inspectors,” Celestia spat out. “How can we create a safe environment in such conditions?”
“Maybe Sunset Shimmer would help us stop the magic?” Luna asked.
“Yeah, because it totally worked last time she tried.” Celestia groaned.
“Well, students turning into demons is not a common occurrence,” Luna said. “We are overreacting to it.”
“Not common?” Celestia sighed. “We had, like… Sunset Shimmer!”
“She promised she’d never do that again,” Luna replied.
“Twilight Sparkle!”
“It was an accident with a highly unstable magical device,” Luna said. “The device in question had been deactivated and is no longer a threat.”
“Diamond Tiara!”
Luna shook her head. “Our investigation revealed that it was, in fact, a really bad PMS.”
“Flash Sentry?”
Luna raised her eyebrows and looked at Celestia, resting her hands against the desk. “What?” she eventually asked.
“I mean that one time when he thought himself to be a sex demon.” Celestia let out a nervous chuckle.
“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,” Luna said. “So, two cases. And two dubious ones. Not really a problem.”
“Indeed.” Celestia nodded. “But to think about it… If anyone is able to fully express themselves in a safe space, then what if someone fully expresses by turning into a demon? Then it won’t be a safe space anymore.”
“You keep using that rare event as an argument,” Luna muttered. “And I guess the students will have to know the limits of freedom in that safe space.”
“But then it’s not freedom if there are limits,” Celestia said. “If they want to turn into demons, or do whatever they want, then let them have it.”
“Yeah, but there are always limits, right?” Luna asked. Seeing Celestia’s expression, she continued, “Like, you can say you’re free to rule this school however you want, right?”
“Yes,” Celestia replied. “But then, there’s you, our budget, those annoying parents, rules, our retar– I mean, beloved students… But other than that, yeah, I’m free.”
“See?” Luna walked to Celestia and looked at her computer. “And this site even lists things you can’t do in a safe space. Hmm, there’s a lot of it for a place where people can fully express themselves. And I don’t even know half of these words… What is ace erasure?”
“It’s when a student aces an exam, but you erase their result because you feel they cheated,” Celestia replied.
“Okay. It’s not allowed then.” Luna shrugged. “Also, if we have a safe space, how about the rest of the school? Is it unsafe?”
“Well, the cafeteria is,” Celestia muttered. “But what about the people who won’t want to get out of the safe space to face the danger?”
“We’ll have to make it bigger,” Luna replied.
“Until it covers the entire school?” Celestia asked. “And, after that, the whole world? We can’t keep our students in an ivory tower, I think. If only because hunting elephants is illegal.”
“Well, it now occurs to me, that for some reason I’m not aware of, we have motocross as a part of the curriculum,” Luna said. “I guess it’s not that safe.”
“It’s a tradition,” Celestia replied. “I mean, the school founders preferred horses, but their children decided that motocross was cooler. And no, we’re not getting rid of it. After all, Crystal Prep gives bows to mentally unstable students.”
“Yeah.” Luna nodded. “Gotta be prepared when the ties are not enough.”
“Indeed,” Celestia said. “And I think I have an idea how to prepare our students for that. You can think of that as a compromise.”
Luna smirked. “I think I know what you want to do…”
When the students of Canterlot High walked into the school in the morning, they were greeted by a large announcement hanging from the wall. When reading it, some of them tilted their heads quizzically, while the others just raised their eyebrows and moved on.
Sunset Shimmer pushed herself through the small crowd gathered around the announcement and looked at it. “Huh,” she muttered. “They’re surely not beating around the bush…”
“What does it say?” Twilight asked, approaching her.
“Just look for yourself.” Sunset pointed at the poster.
In accordance with the decision 214/A/16 of Principal Celestia
Canterlot High School is from now on declared
Unsafe Space
Don’t worry – it has always been this way. Now you just know and you can be prepared for that. Remain calm and don’t worry. It’s not that bad, we swear.
Students are also reminded that turning into demons and sending Farmville requests to your teachers is strictly forbidden and may result in getting suspended or, in case of a repeated offense, expelled.
Constant Vigilance
Principal Celestia
Twilight shuddered, tears welling in her face.
“I mean, who even plays Far–” Sunset turned to Twilight. “What’s wrong? Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”
“It’s not that,” Twilight replied. She grabbed Sunset’s arm and whispered into her ear, “I sent a Farmville request to Principal Celestia yesterday!”
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I'm sorry, but the moral of this story cannot reach me in my safe space.
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/archer/images/8/8e/Fort_kickass.JPG/revision/latest?cb=20130131090123
7400478
It seems that Twilight has a lot to learn...
I'd expel her for that too
Safe Space... Those words haven't been used to death...
Trying to think of something to say, but... I've got nothing.
Woot woot! Yay!
I approve. I approve very much.
Headcanon ACCEPTED
7400483 POKEMON GO IS WHERE IT'S AT!
She send it the first time?
7400478
Isn't that Fort Kickass, though?
Is it just me, or was there a big of SunLight in there?
7401478 Well they said things to each other at the very end, that's practically a guarantee of romance, right? I mean why would people talk otherwise.
Perhaps one of the most valuable lessons they can teach at CHS. Also, I quite like the tie/bow theory of restrained madness at Crystal Prep.
7400686
Fun fact: Scientia potestas est is one of the few sayings I remember. Some others are Beati pacifici (blessed are those who make peace) and some things everyone knows, like cogito ergo sum or si vis pacem, para bellum.
7400708
That was my first idea when I saw that term on tumblr. When I found the actual definition, I was like, "seriously? There must be more fitting names for that."
7400710
I guess if Pokemon Go can't make her go out more, nothing can.
7400765
Her first offense was turning into a demon. Though I guess she's overreacting a bit now.
7401478
7401759
I guess it's mostly Sunset being overprotective. Interestingly, no one noticed a much less subtle TwiLuna bit. More about it below.
7401746
Actually, after writing this one, I started planning TwiLuna in EqG setting. The biggest problem is that I want it to be dark romance and everything I can come up with is horribly cliche. Once I find some unusual way of approaching the topic, I may write it.
7402765
It's hard to do something illegal when the bow makes it harder for the air to reach the lungs. Though when the bows go away, you can be sure angry schoolgirls are out to get you.
Or maybe they think twice before getting those uniforms dirty. They seem hard to wash.
7402811 'Et tu, Brute?'
7402811
Descartes walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey mate, you want a beer?", to which Descartes replies "I think not" and promptly disappears.
7403114
7402964
I'll think of it. Though I've noticed some kinda of role reversal between canon Equestria and EqG universe: in Equestria it was Luna who unleashed her evil side while in EqG it was Sunset and Sci-Twi. We don't know much about VPLuna though.
How come no Principal. Celestia ponymoji? Darn it!
What about all of our lovely retards, I mean students...
7402811 That would be an awesome fanfiction. Just have people go to Sci Twi and be like "So I need to get to antartica to catch Articuno. Can you help me trick the GPS?"
ANd yes. I know. Articuno ain't out yet.
I like this. I'm not sure what I expected going in, but it wasn't what I got, but it was still pretty good.
7403949
She just keeps tricking GPS, until sad men in black suits come to her asking how she caught that Mewtwo in the middle of the most secret military base, right next to the frozen aliens.
7405599
Thanks. No Sci-Twi in a box, sadly.
7405795 YOU JUST CAUGHT ARCEUS!
ALL HAIL THE MASTER OF GOD!
The more I read the more confused I get. Congrats on another head-banger Sami, you made me crack a smile.
For a moment I thought I was going to have to rant, but this is definitely an anti-safe space comedy and I love you for it
7623526
Oh yeah. My general opinion on people who need safe spaces would probably cause them to run there if they heard it...
This is a line I will not be forgetting in a hurry.
Thanks for the story!
7980100
You're welcome
At least they're being realistic.
8003187
Oh yeah. It's definitely not safe, especially around the portal.
Alondro beams 4chan into all the college safe spaces! "Take that, ya bunch o' pussies!"
7623526 Is it just me or do all the safe-spacers seem very... punchable.
7400478 Alondro violates your safe space with his Deus Ex Self-Insert powers!
image.slidesharecdn.com/4-11am-imnottouchingyou-100415153641-phpapp02/95/4-11-am-im-not-touching-you-1-728.jpg?cb=1271346527
8158102
8157244
Hmm, considering the amount of traffic this story gets as of late, I can't help but wonder where y'all heard about it. The referrals say nothing, so I'm guessing Skype/Discord/fimfic itself
8158540 I just caught a glimpse of it on the "popular stories" tab. As a writer of my own political parody, it took my interest immediately.
8158592
Huh, so the traffic was enough to boost it there (though it's not that hard as of late: my newest story first appeared in the Popular Stories box at a 2:0 rating).
8158540 We must all do our part to beat up people who hide in safe spaces and steal their lunch money
Safe Spaces are the most retarded things to ever come into being.
Don't worry, Sci-Twi! You're still safe in a parallel world. You're essential to the plot there!
9120972
She may only hope Equestria's Twilight doesn't decide to kill all her alternative selves to get more powerful.
9121783
Nah, the Great Barrier known as a TV-Y rating will prevent that.
9121898
Too bad. Sci-Twi probably has a contingency plan in case it ever happened.
9122114
Fire the scientifically-enhanced Orbital Friendship Cannon! Now 20% more effective!
8903252
My course at uni doesn't have them.
10153661
Good for you
10153671
Indeed.
sci twi
" Siri play that sad song "
also, what is FARMVILLE
10674425
It was a thing on facebook about a thousand years ago when this fic was written. It was really easy to spam requests to all of your friends.
10674453
okay still don't know what it is but that's the reason they invented google
I tried to do I joke if you can read this
10674463
I actually looked at the fic's release date and I guessed there may be people who seriously don't know.