Chapter 1 - The Book
June 15th, 2106
Antonia City, Antonia
All I could hear was the quiet sound of my boots on the hardwood floor. It was like a steady rhythm to keep me focused, and it was almost relaxing.
I looked around me, and took in the surroundings for only a moment, just to get the feel of where I was inside of the massive archive that was the National Antonian Library and Database. The NALD housed two compartments; a public domain, and a government-only archive nicknamed the “Vault of Steel” (literally describing the “Super steel” walls that encased it), guarded twenty-four–seven by an elite security force. Even the halls of the NALD are patrolled by the guards, armed with standard infantry rifles. I was currently in the main hall that lead to the front desk, where almost everyone who entered was redirected to the public domain. My goal wasn't to get inside of the public space, rather, it was to get inside the Vault of Steel.
I reached down into my pocket and carefully grabbed the document, I took it out of my pocket and gave it a once over, making sure that nothing was damaged. The papers I held would grant me explicit entry not just into the vault itself, but into one of the most classified rooms inside it. I was never aware the room existed until yesterday, when the details came from up top, specifically from the Supreme Commandant himself. I was never actually briefed on what exactly I was getting, but if they didn't tell me, it's not hard to assume its something vitally important. Why they chose me, an old and worn out marine, out of all the other agents to do this is beyond my realm of understanding, but it's probably for a good reason.
The Librarian must've seen the papers in my hand, because he perked up when I approached his desk. I was the first to speak.
“Good evening, Librarian,” I stopped in my tracks to prevent myself from colliding into the wooden desk. “I have permission to get inside Room 113.”
“Short and to the point,” The Librarian responded with a tone that wrought of the Monday grumps. “You have the papers to prove you know what the hell you’re trying to access?” He continued to eyeball the papers in my hand, waiting for me to make a move.
The Librarian wore a large, dark-blue trench coat, and was almost my exact height, as is everyone else. He had the iconic Librarians’ Medal hung over his right breast pocket, which said he, and only he, was the Librarian of the NALD. Being the Librarian was an extremely honorary position, but nonetheless a position that required extensive amounts of maturity and work ethic. Having this huge responsibility on someone's shoulders tends to wear them down a lot, but they are motivated by the pay and government bonuses, alongside the fact that someone must do it, if no one else.
I politely set the clearance documents on his desk and slightly pushed them towards him, he grabbed the papers and shook them lightly, probably out of habit, and then ran the papers through a Magitech scanner, visually scanning them himself afterwards. After giving me and the documents awkward looks, he reached under his desk, unlocked a drawer, and pulled out a lanyard reserved only for the Supreme Commandant himself. That was a risky move on his part. He didn't know if I was a spy or not; but despite my reasoning, it was almost an honor to be in the presence of such a symbol of power. It made me lean forwards towards it and caused me to lose myself in my own thoughts. Though, the Librarian knew what my intentions were, and yanked it away before I could get close to it.
“If you really are who you say you are, then what's the weather on Mars?”
I stared blankly at him for a moment, before the realization struck me like a truck. I can’t believe I actually forgot about that, I thought to myself in the heat of the moment. Immediately, I blurted out in an almost-crazed slur; “It's… It’s a nice 72 degrees Fahrenheit with sunny weather all day.”
“How about Earth?”
“400 degrees Fahrenheit, with nuclear snow and heavy cloud cover all year.”
The Librarian stood there and gave me a long and hard glance, as if he were trying to break my bearing. after having him stare at me for a minute as I awkwardly stared back the Librarian eased up, and so did I.
“Well then...follow me, Agent Randall.”
The Librarian slowly handed me the Commandant’s lanyard, and I stared at it for what felt like hours. It didn't matter what kind of training I had, I was so overwhelmed by this it rendered most of my training irrelevant. The Librarian shook me a little and told me to “just put the damn lanyard on,”, so I complied and wrapped the string around my neck. The Librarian turned towards the Vault’s door and walked forwards, not waiting on me to catch up. When I did catch up with him, I had only one question on my mind, and it was a somewhat odd question.
“Librarian? May I ask a question?”
“Sure…what is it, agent?”
I stared at the passing windows, then turned my gaze towards him.
“What is it like being the Librarian?” I asked after a moments pause.
“... Terrible. Just like every other day of the year.”
We walked on wards without exchanging another word, right up to the massive Vault door, our arrival prompted two guards standing on opposite sides of the door to face us, gripping their AR-68s tightly. However, they eased a little when they realized the Librarian was the one approaching.
“Ease off boys, he’s clear,” The Librarian said, standing only a yard away from the guard, “Tell someone to watch the front desk for me while I work with this man.”
"Yes, Librarian,” They both said. The guard on the left turned towards the keypad and punched in the code. The door hissed sharply as it unlocked and swiveled open, revealing a metal wall with a another door in the middle of it.
“We’ll inform one of your replacements to stand watch over your desk, as you ordered,” The guard stated, opening the small metal door.
“Thank you,” The Librarian said, nodding quickly before rushing through the door, once again not waiting on me.
The smell of aging paper flooded my nose as I walked in, and the cold temperature inside made me wish I had brought a coat. I sneezed profusely as I walked into one of the dustier areas of the Library, constantly hunching over to sneeze. I looked at the floor beneath me each time I hurled myself forwards and realized it was no longer wood, but now super steel, possibly four meters thick. When I looked up, I saw that there were shelves that soared all the way to the top of the ceiling, which was around twenty feet up. The shelves themselves seemed to contain millions of books and documents, all of them somehow neatly organized. At the ends of each shelf sat a door that lead into other rooms of the vault, which were reserved for the storage of documents that required certain environments to be preserved in, or were just there for extra space. In the middle of the main hall lay several tables, some of which were occupied by high-ranking government officials. Most of the time, they were there to just get work done in a more quiet environment than in the comfort of their own homes, mainly because their houses lay next to busy streets. I was lucky to have my home on the top floor of an apartment building in the Danesville metro area, as the floors beneath my room blocked most of the noise coming up.
The room we were headed to was nowhere to be seen, because it was hidden from plain sight, as it contained the most secretive of documents known to the PGA. Only a few people in the world know of it, and are not allowed to disclose any information regarding Room 113.
“Agent, over here,” The Librarian ordered, stopping by Room 112, which was located at the far-left corner of the lobby. I walked over and stopped when we could both whisper audibly. The Librarian scanned our surroundings, making sure no one was eavesdropping on us. “Whatever you see in this room, you are not allowed to touch or mess with unless I give you explicit permission to do so. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Librarian, I understand.”
“Good, follow me.”
The Librarian opened the door to Room 112 and went inside, with me curiously following behind him.
“Help me move this shelf, agent,” The Librarian said, pointing to the shelf at the end of the room as he closed and locked the door behind us. It was a lot warmer in here than in the main archive, which I was thankful for, but the smell of paper was still present.
I looked around for a little while, and found the shelves in here were ironically scarce of books, except for the shelf which the Librarian had pointed towards. I walked with him, and together we swiftly moved the shelf to the right, revealing yet another locked metallic door. However, there was no lock that I could see, and obviously you wouldn't leave something like this unlocked, so I suspected it was under some type of unicorn enchantment.
“It's just a simple locking spell, agent. It was cast with me in mind, so only I can open it, including the Supreme Commandant himself,” He said, guessing what I had on my mind.
“I assumed it was under influence.”
“That's certainly a way of putting it, agent.”
“It's just a marine term,” I replied absentmindedly, looking at the door again, my mind speculating as to what was behind it and ignoring the fact they let a unicorn closer to this than most of the government officials in the PGA. “So what exactly am I getting into? I understand why no one told me, but what is it?”
The Librarian looked me in the eye and said, “I'll tell you when we get inside.”
He turned towards the door, and placed his hand on the handle, which then opened without any hesitation whatsoever. He gestured me inside, politely holding the door open for me. Really, it's just because I would never get the door open if he closed it behind him.
“After you, agent,” He said in a tone that sounded more sarcastic than relaxed.
When I walked in, the temperature immediately changed from warm to cold, causing a sudden chill to run down my back. The room itself only had four shelves, and one kind of pedestal display, all of which were encased in glass boxes and panels. The lighting was barely there, with only a single light bulb illuminating the room. The documents that were stacked on the shelves were in old file casings from 2018, only a year before I was, in the correct term, “spawned”.
“I’ll give you two guesses as to what you’re after in here, agent,” The Librarian said, looking visibly bored.
My mind went to the pedestal in the back of the room, and I walked over to it, seeing a book inside which was titled Course of Action. It was the only book in the display.
“Is this it, Librarian?” I asked, pointing to the single book inside.
“Lucky guess,” The Librarian scoffed, “You know what it is, agent?”
“What do you mean, Librarian? It's a book.”
The Librarian sighed, “No, no… I mean, what kind of book is it?”
I looked back at the book and I studied the cover of it, even though I remember there being a quote that says to never judge a book by its cover. In this case, it was really my only option. I noticed that the author of said book was the former Supreme Commandant Grayson A. Milburn, the man that gave humanity a chance to once again rule the world, the man who changed this world’s history forever. I only met him once when he was visiting the marines in the Roan peninsula, during the Equestrian Campaign of 2022. The speech he gave there didn't tell us how good we did, because we already knew how much ass we kicked. Instead, he gave an inspirational speech, saying that we can win if we all work together, and that this battle proves that. Though the speech itself didn't really motivate me, it was the fact that he left the safety of the Antonia Isles to personally spend time with his troops. So when I saw his name on the cover of that book, added with the title, I could tell what it was.
“Librarian… is it the Supreme Commandant’s autobiography?” I asked, half stunned by what was probably the only written copy of the Supreme Commandant’s life after Earth and first hand accounts.
“Indeed it is, agent,” He replied in the same grumpy tone as before, “It's crazy that it's coming home with you, isn't it?”
“Yeah… wait, what?”
If I thought the lanyard was awesome, then this took the cake by the millions.
“That book, from what I already know, could change everything we understand about the PGA,” The Librarian said, resting his hand on my shoulder and opening the display case for the book. “It hasn't been revealed to the public for a reason. God knows what the damn thing holds… for now.”
“Are… are you saying I'm going to read his autobiography?” I asked with much surprise and shock.
“Right on the dime, agent. They said you’d be writing a detailed report on it as well.”
The Librarian was offering the book to me, which I almost hesitated to take. When I did take it, I studied the autobiography once again, checking to see if there was a description on the back, though I found nothing. I am holding the most important historical artifact of all time, I thought in utter amazement, even if the “writing a report” part turned me off. I was more anxious than ever to read it myself, and learn everything about the Supreme Commandant, but I managed to tone down my fan-boyish thoughts, and focused on getting it back home.
“So, what next? Are we going to put the book in a suitcase, or anything similar to one?” I asked, looking at the Librarian with curiosity.
“Of course we are! We aren't just gonna let the one thing that can severely harm our national security hang out in the open!” The Librarian laughed, heading out of Room 113. “We have a stack of brief cases by the vault door for anyone to use if they need to. I think it's a stupid idea, but the problem with that is the idea came from the Supreme Commandant himself.”
“Heh, go figure,” I replied satirically, “But why didn't we grab one on our way in?”
“Agent, in case you haven't noticed, it's Monday, and I am tired as hell,” he said, losing his hard-earned filter, “Now, follow me so I can check this damn book out for you,” A nod of my head was my only reply.
The both of us walked out of Room 113, covering the door with the shelf from inside the adjacent room. I held the book in my left hand as I walked out of the room, trying to keep the cover of it from being seen by anyone. Several officials inside of the vault’s main lobby cast curious glances towards me, mostly because the Librarian was walking alongside me. After what felt like a somewhat tense walk to the vault door, we finally made it to the briefcase containers, which were exactly where the Librarian said they’d be.
“Alright agent, just grab any briefcase and put the book in it. We can bind the pages closed with some rubber bands inside,” The Librarian said impatiently, folding his arms across his chest.
I reached out and pulled one of the briefcases out of the container. The briefcase was made out of a smooth type of leather, and was held together by some kind of metal underneath the leather layer. I set the briefcase on one of the tables adjacent to the containers, and after I laid the book inside and wrapped it shut with rubber bands, I carefully shut the briefcase and headed over to the Librarian.
“You done?” He asked, standing close to the door, I nodded in reply. “Alright, let's go.”
The Librarian headed to the door and pressed a small, red button with the words PUSH TO EXIT over it. After only a moment, the vault door outside hissed and creaked as it opened up, with the small door opening soon after, we both walked through, passing the two guards on the way out.
The evening sun shone through the hallway windows, illuminating the corridor with spots of orange light. The overhead lights seemed unnecessary in the warm glow of the sun. The walk, aside from the sights and the temperature shift to normal levels, had nothing exciting happen, and had nothing discussed. When we got to the Librarian’s desk, there was another man sitting there, looking at his mobile phone. He was obviously the substitute for the Librarian, and he seemed rather bored.
“Excuse me, I need to sit there,” The Librarian said grumpily.
“Huh? Who is…oh, sorry, Librarian. I'll leave you be,” The man said, quickly getting up and leaving.
“Hey!” The Librarian called out, as if suddenly realizing something. “What's the rule about phones during your shift?”
The man stopped and slowly turned to face the Librarian, unable to meet him in the eye.
“You want a citation? Is that it?”
“No… no, sir— Librarian.”
“Then put the damn thing up and go!”
“Ye-yes, Librarian. Sorry, Librarian.”
The man walked away without another word, obviously upset he had been chewed out by the Librarian. Partially chewed out, I should say.
“Damn kids…” The Librarian groaned, “Here, just set the briefcase here.”
I set the briefcase on his immaculately organized desk, “Who was that?”
“Nevermind him…let's just focus on getting this checked out,” he said, his fingers dancing on the keyboard as he documented this checkout. A few moments later, he sighed, handing the briefcase back to me after handing me a checkout slip. “If you lose this thing, High Command is gonna have my ass hung up on a wall, and probably yours, too. Guard. This. With. Your. Life. Understood, agent?”
“I understand, Librarian. You can trust me,” I stated, trying to sound and look convincing. It seemed to work.
“Well… I don't know if you have anything else to do here, but you've got nothing left from me,” He stated, reclining in his chair. “So if you have nothing better to do, you're good to go.”
“Thank you, Librarian,” I replied, extending my hand in an attempt to give and receive a handshake. The Librarian sat upright and returned the gesture, giving me the go ahead to head on out of the library without saying another word.
I did an about face and strolled towards the entrance of the grand hall, walking past several guards whose facial expressions screamed “I just want to go home.” I could understand, it was a tough job, just walking back and forth, waiting for the shift to end. I guess I'm lucky to be where I am now since my fighting days are over. I stopped at the small security checkpoint that blocked the front entrance; I left through the front door and out into the open world.
A nice, warm tropical breeze greeted me through the door, as I stood on the steps of the NALD. Clouds were dotted all over the orange-blue sky. Even though the large skyscrapers and buildings blocked my view of the horizon, I could still see the sun hanging around between two skyscrapers. All kinds of cars and military vehicles drove back and forth on the streets in front of the library, most headed back home after a long day at work, and others just getting their day started. Such is life in the Prosperianistic society I call my home.
While enjoying the urban scenery, I strolled towards my car, an old M-6 series, having its production halted in 2031. Nonetheless, it's kept my ass moving for the longest time. I've come to name her “Sally”, for no real reason other than the fact that I just can. Every time I see her, I feel a wave of relief hit me, as I'm struck with the realization that I'm done working for the day. I open the driver's door and climb into the seat, putting the briefcase in the passenger seat. I then set my hand on the wheel as I pull out the keys to Sally from my pocket. The keys fit snugly into the ignition, and I twisted it for a second to let the engine turn over, and soon the engine roared to life.
I backed out of my parking spot and drove towards the closest T-intersection. I stopped on the turn, waiting for the stoplight to go green when oncoming traffic stopped, and turned right when it did. My apartment complex is down in Danesville, which was quite a ways out. The only reason I'm not sleeping in a bunker, or anything of the like, is because the director thought it would be a good idea to make the undercover agents more inconspicuous by letting them live in common households, rather than in one giant complex prone to a crippling attack by terrorists. I see the logic, but that can allow an agent to be taken out easier if he’s discovered by an enemy organization. That's why we go through all kinds of combat training, even though the tub of blubber that is my lower torso wouldn't agree with the cardiovascular activity if it came down to it.
But soon enough, I would be passed out on my couch for God knows how long, sleeping my troubles away. Wait… I still have to read that book, I remembered, groaning audibly to myself at the realization that I still had work to do, and that my week was just getting started.
Ah, to hell with it for now. I can get it done tomorrow.
The knock on my door was enough to wake me up from my “small nap” on the couch, and I groaned, not wanting to move, but the knocking became more persistent and wouldn't stop if I didn't answer. I groggily got up and trudged towards my apartment door, looking through the peephole in it. As soon as I saw who it was, I went for the door handle and swung it agape to reveal the Pegasus who lived just a few rooms down from me. Her salmon coat and chocolate mane made her indistinguishable from any other pony. Her sky-blue eyes told me she needed something. Obviously, she did need something, otherwise she wouldn't have come here to wake me up at whatever time it is.
“Hey, Scarlet,” I groaned in a fatigued tone, “Sorry, I was sleeping on the couch.”
“Oh! I'm sorry, Jason, I didn't mean to wake you,” Scarlet responded hastily, her wings pinning to the sides of her torso. “I just needed some help with my router, and you were the first pony—person, sorry, that I, uh… that I thought of to help me, because I still don't understand all these magitech shenanigans. The router has this red light, and I don't know what that's supposed to mean.”
“Well… I guess I could come over and check it out, but I'm no computer geek,” I stated. “Let me get my shoes on real quick.”
“Alright, take all the time you need,” She smiled patiently, but I knew she wouldn't stay that way for much longer, so I had to hurry. Though, I'm sure putting your shoes on doesn't take forever...at least, I think it doesn't, I don't know.
Luckily, it didn't take too long, and I was out in the middle of the hallway before I knew it, walking alongside one of my closer friends. Scarlet was fascinated by our culture, and left Equestria after graduating from college. She said that her grandmother’s stories about the Equestrian Campaign are what got her so interested in humans. I wouldn't have believed that as an explanation a few decades ago, but now it's a common reason since we allowed different species to roam our streets.
“Well, here's my humble abode,” Scarlet sighed after opening her front door. Her “humble abode” was always the messiest place. It wasn't unclean sanitation wise, it's just that everything was everywhere it shouldn't be. Her room was very unorganized, so much so that no corner of the room was spared of her mess. Her chairs were scattered around her room, the single lamp in her room was, for some reason, in the middle of it all, and her bed, which lay in the living room, was the same story. As bad as it may seem, she somehow kept the whole place smelling clean with air freshener.
“I still can't get over the fact that you haven't cleaned this up yet. It's kinda like a twelve year old’s room,” I stated critically, having the filter of a drunk and fatigued man, “Do you need help cleaning up as well?”
“No thanks! I like it just the way it is,” she chirped as she jumped onto the mess that is her bed, resting her head on the mattress. Somehow, despite my attitude or her situation, she always stayed optimistic about everything. “Besides, it’s not like the Supreme Commandant’s gonna come up here.”
I rolled my eyes, and scanned the room for the router, which proved to be an impossible feat. “Where...is the router?”
“Oh, it's in the kitchen. Sorry, I'll show you,”
I followed her into another mess, this time it was worse. Much worse. But I tried to stay focused on the task at hand… which was still impossible. Added that I was also extremely tired and my brain unwilling to boot up properly.
“It's next to…whatever these are, right here,” she stated as she moved two pineapples…that I had sent her a while back. At this point, I'm not sure what she actually does with the exotic fruit I send her occasionally.
The main light on the router, once it was revealed, was indeed flashing its red LED bulb, indicating it needed to be restarted.
“Okay, you paying attention, Scarlet?” I asked, soon receiving a solid nod from her afterwards, “This flashing red light only means there’s been a software update, and you just need to restart the router, I think. It's how mine works.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, I was just watching a documentary, then it shut off and said on the TV that the router has been disabled,” she said, trying to get a peek at the router, “But how do you restart it?”
“Well, there's just a small button on the back, you just press and hold it down for about ten seconds, then it should restart,” I said while moving away from the kitchen counter. “Okay… Anything else that might need my attention?”
“So I just restart the router, wait for it to update, and then turn on the TV?” she asked quickly.
“Yeah, that's the plan,” I replied, walking in the general direction of the living room, “Well, if that's it, I'm gonna go and get some work done. See you later.”
“Okay, see you later old man!” She said jokingly, waving me goodbye as I walked towards her front door. I only rolled my eyes in response.
I didn't want to leave, but I had to if I didn't want to get behind on work. Normally, they would have a team of people do this kind of work, but because the book is such a national liability if it's put in the wrong hands, you can't just assign a random number of people to work on something like that and hope they don't spill the beans. And I was already up and awake, so I thought I might as well do something productive for an hour or more.
As I continued my train of thought, I arrived at my apartment door, taking my key and unlocking it with ease. I opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind me. I threw myself onto the couch and sat there for a while, staring at the ceiling in deep thought. Then I shot upwards and went to look for the briefcase.
After several moments of looking around the apartment, I finally found it under my bed in the bedroom, after I remembered I placed it inside a safe I own. I threw the briefcase onto the couch right next to me as I sat down and inspected the container. When I opened the case, I found the book was in the same condition as before, sending a partial wave of relief over me.
“Alrighty… let's read this thing,” I said to myself, sighing as I pulled the book out of the briefcase.
I unwrapped the book and opened it up to the first chapter after I settled on the couch. I skipped it after I read through the first page, as it was just summing up my—our own life story in one chapter, using less-than-excellent grammar to describe the details. It talked about how my family and home life shaped me into the person I used to be in late 2016, almost one hundred years ago. My family lived in the United States, originally living in Amarillo, Texas for five years, before we moved to Norman, Oklahoma.
Chapter one went on to talk about my social life, or an insufficient one, just because of how antisocial I was as a teenager. I never cared about having friends, and when I did have friends, I rarely hung out with them. Now, I realize the importance of it all, why my parents insisted I hang out with other kids my age, but I can't do anything about it now.
The chapter dived deeper into the details of our life before reaching the final paragraph that concluded the chapter. I assumed the rest of the details resumed on chapter two. I was curious if the next chapter would go on and describe more of my life's details, or if it would describe how we actually ended up on this planet. I hoped for the latter, but...
I guess I’ll have to read on and see for myself….
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Seems accurate, except why are they still using fahrenheit?!
7779753 Mostly it's because the humans here didn't really feel it was necessary to make an entirely new measurement system for temperature.
7779753 Cuz Merica! Thats why.
Needs more death with a touch of salting the fields.
Interesting, it certainly is an improvement.
Though if you need help with names, just ask me. I have a list of names of characters for my fics you can use. Mostly Human military commanders, but you can use their names whatever you want.
7780045 Niiiiiii. Propoganda. Niiiiiiii
7779759 What about celsius? that's a much easier system.
7780389 Well, it's just the way the character was raised. They were raised on Fahrenheit.
7780399 It's the year 2106. i'm pretty sure fahrenheit isn't used anymore.
But then again, maybe it is.
7780436 It's 2106 on another planet, not Earth.
7780457 So what is it on earth then?
7780436 meh, things would be so much simpler if everyone would just switch to the same system of measurement.
7780467 It's whatever they use on Earth during 2106. This story dosent focus on what's happening on Earth.
7780478 easier said than done done.
7780507 Indeed, Monty Python.
7780478 There are two types of countries in this world. Countries that use the metric system and a country that's been to the moon.
7780726 I'm an American. I don't think the measurement system had that much to do with it so much as how the system was used. Honestly, I find conversions within the metric system to be so much easier.
12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, however many of those in a mile...
10 millimeters in a centimeter, 100 centimeters in a meter, 1000 meters in a kilometer...
Oh yeah! Love it so far, big improvement. Wonder what was the special plan Celestia had Twilight do, guess we'll have to find out! Keep the story rolling!
7781240 Thanks man! I'm glad you like it!
7780726 There are two other countries that use the Merica system, but they arnt really that well off....
7782340
Is America one of them?thats what happens when you try to be funny.
Before I read it, what is the Dark and Gore tags for ?
7866788 Some Dark themes and maybe some minor descriptions of gore later on in the story.
7884185 I guess it's so good you had to comment twice about it
Your review is ready at the PCaRG.
Is this dead please don’t be I need one story in blitz univers to finish
8798063
It's in a Coma right now. I may conduct some surgery to it after I'm through with the Balefire graphic novel.
This was an good read, but not an great one. You accept criticism? Here you are.
The concept of this story is good, but not great as other works on the site. The plot is somewhat intriguing, I like intrigue plots. Had I noticed this story before, I would've given you this criticize much sooner, but decided to wait until I had found this story by myself.
After having read the first two chapters, the story has some potential. It might be good to keep writing, as it helps you improve more and more the better you write stories. I've felt that since I had begun writing two and a half year ago, where I just wrote straight forward lines without spacing out the paragraphics. Maybe you can be spacing out the paragraphics a bit more in your story? That would make this an much easier read than how it is now.
That is all I have to say for now. I'll continue reading this as chapters come in due time, I've tracked and favourite this just in case. I hope that action will be displayed soon...