My name is Ril, I'm the queen, well proto-queen, of the newly made hive in Equestria and before I say anything else no, I'm not evil.
I had a plan for my hive, get it going, expand it a bit, and become a great queen, it's a great plan. The only problem is that Queen Chrysalis made it seems that every changeling are evil, which is not true! Another problem is that Equestria isn't as a pushover then I thought.
Now with a new hive that is maybe going to be burned to the ground what could I do to save it? Well, try and get a peace treaty going of course.
And there's another problem, the diplomacy they use is much different than mine, it seems threatening them that I would punch them if they don't agree is not diplomacy. Well, I grew up near the Griffen Empire and had danger all around me so that's my diplomacy.
Oh and there also the fact that I kinda accidentally ponynapped the Alicorn of Love. That doesn't really help me at the moment, right?
I don't own the cover art, I just found in on the internet.
Also, the cover art isn't what she looks like, it's the closest to what I have in mind.
The story has been inspired by Queen Aze story, The Wedding Aftermath go check it out if you don't already know it.
Rated Teen for language, Ril will start swearing when she's mad.
Cadence you peachy pony you. I wonder how this will go?
This is to FUN
so cadence's shaking, is it the "gagged and struggling in ropes?" kind, or the "traumatized by past experiences with changelings" kind? it was a little unclear.
in all not a bad start in all, I see some potential.
And of coarse I have a suggestion, in stead of...
"Third-person, Crystal Empire"
change it to something like.
"Meanwhile in the Crystal Empire"
Not only is it a bit more humorous, but it's also a lot less redundant since you don't really have to tell the reader about the shift in perspective if you've changed the scene so completely. Also if Queen Ril is going to be the only character written in first person you probably won't need to point it out at all.
7448864 Cadence shaking is the 'Trying to get the bag off of her head.' Kind of shaking, will change later.
Needs some revising and proofreading, but otherwise looking to be a funny story.
Obviously Cadance has some kind of kidnapping fetish that she just won't admit to.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
7451952 HA!
I like myself some good Changeling Story.
*gets some popcorn*
Keep going
hello 7458831 question the queen is the mother of all workers in the hive?
7513831 yes...
well this is going to be good, so waiting for the 2nd chapter.
hello 7515012 I like the new art.
another question
when will the next chapter will come out. not that I want rush you. I'm just curious
7526088 It will take some time, mostly due to the fact that I didn't know how the start of the chapter will go.
7526093 ok,
you need some help. maybe I can help. I also have problems with my story. so I have a little experience
7526093 so I did bookshelf with all the stories where the queen is the mother of the hive and I wondered if I missed any or if I have all. what do you think? http://www.fimfiction.net/bookshelf/851658/queen-mother-of-the-hives
7529003 I think it's cool that you did that. I also want to ask you something. There's a story on there... The Wedding Aftermath. the writer is a good friend of mine and is somewhat in a bad spot, depression sucks~
He's working on two other stories, one that comes after The Wedding Aftermath story and a Sombra story and would love to hear some feedback on the stories. What's good, what's bad, what needs to be improve on, etc etc. I'm trying to help him out but I want people to comment on his stories.
7529019 ok sure, I am not finished reading The Wedding Aftermath. but when I finished reading it, i shall give him constructive criticisms
7529517 :)
Well, look like this Queen is both hot-headed and unlucky... It's not like anything can go wrong with such a combo right?
Every
hive
Ril's
There might be more, but I'm on my tablet, now.
7583829 oh, ty good sir
7583829 there are a few more in the story, but sadly I can't show them with my XBox.
7584428 wait, your reading this on your Xbox?
7584439 Xbox 360 yes, if I can get the money together I would be reading it on my PS4, need to fix it sadly. and yes game systems have been able to veiw stuff like this since the PS3/Xbox360/Wii.
7584512 Woah, that's cool!
7584535 yea writing on the PS4 was easier than on here and the only face I can do is
cause I can't access the others on 360, and it'the only one I remember, but could on PS4.
7584576 ic
7584578 Eyeap, that and I want to play my Fallout4.
7584589 Fallout 4 :)
7583892
I'm on a real computer, now.
I'd suggest reviewing titles and names of species. Things are capitalized inconsistently.
an
Separate into two sentences.
Combine into one sentence.
ask
Separate into two sentences.
guest
and pointed
sidestepped
male drone
Or is that redundant? Is there an entomologist here?
delete 'at'
should have asked
triple-checked
revise sentence
back up
awkward repetition of drone
unnecessary capitalization of amber
pacing nitpick: unless this is going to be a plot point, or a setup for a joke, the story seems to dwell on it for too long.
[quoteI sighed and looked around the room for the upteenth time. ]umpteenth
other than
redundant musk
revise sentence. Clarify that she's comparing to Chrysalis's changelings when she says, "looked the same."
Change 'of it was' to 'were'
that the
Every
there's an extra space before 'I'
the same colour as amber or amber-coloured.
Ril's
space
Needs to be:
I had a plan for my hive: to get it going, expand it a bit, and become a great queen; it's a great plan.
7584665 Thank you sir for your help, I'm sorry that you had to read my story with bad grammar and mistakes >_<
7584724 It's cool.
Funny story, and I like being pedantic.
7584615 sucks that Sony is being stupid and shooting themselves in the leg by not leting mods on tho.
Why has this been put on hiatus? I'm just curious.
This was just as hilarious as the first chapter.
7586427 working on a different story that long needed to be looked at
Oh, go on, Ril. What's the worst that could happen? The Pony Princesses are all pussycats.
What next chapter?!!
Plz make more!
Will this ever be continued?
So, uhhh. This thing dead?
Hi, anyone there. Is this story dead?