The road to greatness begins with a single step.
Chase has been in Equesrtia for a few months now. Since then, he has develop feelings for a certain lavender alicorn. The only problem is he doesn't know how to tell her.
So he ask one of his friends for help.
Thank you: PrinceLightningStrike28, Omniwriter and GeodesicDragon for proofreading.
Edited by: Omniwriter and GeodesicDragon.
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Ok, I have a few problems with the story that I would like to point out.
1. Horses/ponies in the real world are considered to be sentient too, so by this logic bestiality doesn't exist. Now I'm not denying that Twilight is the exact same as ponies in our world and she's part of a more advanced species, but really a good few creatures on our planet are sentient in one way or another.
2. Applejack was able to place her hoof on Chase's shoulder no problem?
3. Twilight made spaghetti Bolognese, not a bad choice if I do say so myself. But horses are herbivores, therefore Bolognese is a no-no for ponies.
4. You've completely glossed over Twilight asking for Chase to stay longer. And their conversation about what happened during their days, although that may not be as important. And then you skip an entire HOUR of them being together. What did they do during that hour? Anything that made them bond at all?
5. After that there's cheesy dialogue for a bit. And Twilight really breaks character... She hasn't had a problem with being "alone" for all of this time in the show and I wouldn't imagine her breaking into tears about it. Sure, it's a fanfiction and I guess you can write characters differently. But you did place this in the "E-Like The Show" section of the "Humans falling in love with ponies" group. And THEN after Chase saying just a few sentences she instantly cheers up. Definitely sounds like a believable Twilight.
6. He goes from calling her "mare" to "girl". Get your pronouns right Chase, you're not in the EG universe yet. (Although I'm sure he'd love it in there)
7. And the story comes to a close. If I'm honest the story was a little too much in favour of Chase. Nothing has gone wrong from him apart from not being able to bake. I want to call him a Gary Stu but I just haven't seen enough of him to call him that.
I think that's it, although maybe I'd be able to find one or two more nitpicks. Now don't be disheartened by any of this, I was just nitpicking a little. You seem to be a good writer all things considered though; and I'm sure with experience you could become an even better one.
Bzzzt, wrong, pretty much every species on our planet is sentient, with very few exceptions.
The word you were looking for sapient.
Other then that same as GamingZebra wrote few logical errors and a tad cheesy.
Sentient - being aware and able to feel the word around us.
Sapient - being able to understand the world around us.
7396981 Thank you for your thoughts on the story and I appreciate it, and I will try my best at getting better.
Nice work, and let me be the first to welcome you to the world of ponyfic.
7396981
She could have stood on her hind legs.
I looked it up; you can get vegetarian bolognese.
That's probably my fault; I edited this at 2am, so I was a bit tired.
7397085 It's all fine, I couldn't find any major spelling or grammar mistakes in the story so kudos to you for doing this all when you were tired.
True but highly unlikely she'd jump up just for that.
I've never heard of it in my life. All I've dined upon are potatoes and Supermacs. (I'm Irish, if you don't know what Supermacs is just look it up)
7397047 No problem man, I look forward to your next story.
This is cute. Its pretty well written. The plotline is slightly overdone but its enjoyable nevertheless,
Well done.
You rushed the ending there I bit. Good but the ending was rushed. Still have a like for effort
7518108 Thank you, sorry for the ending being rushed. It was my first story.
I live the story do not lasan to them it is just a story i hope you do a chapter 2
SO LOVELY!!
D'AWWWW~! I can't stop smiling, That was an amazing one shot!
Excellent story! To be honest, I feel that you should add more chapters to the story. It would give us more info on the love life between Chase and Twi. If you can do that, make a prequel to go with it. Just a suggestion. ;)
7941112 Thank you. Sorry it took so long to reply back, lot of stuff was going on during that time.
8003933 Glad you liked it.
8057826 Thank you for the advice. I plan on making a sequel to this story in the future.
8098987
Quite the interesting tale there, though in my opinion, the only thing that lets it down was that it felt rushed. If it were a bit longer, then it'd be perfect. Oh wow, it's still a great story and I hope you do more like this in the future.
Beautiful fanfic